Are gfs insecurities my fault? Are mine hers?

[Lixxy]

Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions. If you were born in a conservative country, you would deem people ware too liberal as stupid. If you are born in the Western world you deem people who are more conservative stupid.

 

What? Nooooo.... O_O

 

I was brought up by conservative parents; I'm now liberal...

IMO it's pretty blind to just carry on what your parents thought without any independent examination of your own, just because you happened to be born in a certain place with certain beliefs.

 

If you have given it your own thought - cool, whatevs, but referring to people with opposing views to you as "you people" is just outright rude and conceited... It's also a great way to get under the skin of anyone who was actually giving relationship advice to you!

 

My take on it is everyone can do whatever they want and have whatever beliefs they want. Going out for drinks is not a deal breaker. Going out for drinks with strangers is. Sorry, that's the way I think of it and that's the way my gf does too (as far as I know).

 

Well apparently it's not the way your girlfriend thinks? being as that's exactly what she did.

 

It goes back to what I was saying: It just seems like your conservatism is placing too many boundaries and rules on your relationship for it's own good by providing you both with a lot more margin for error.

[IAmRobot]

What? Nooooo.... O_O

 

I was brought up by conservative parents; I'm now liberal...

IMO it's pretty blind to just carry on what your parents thought without any independent examination of your own, just because you happened to be born in a certain place with certain beliefs.

 

If you have given it your own thought - cool, whatevs, but referring to people with opposing views to you as "you people" is just outright rude and conceited... It's also a great way to get under the skin of anyone who was actually giving relationship advice to you!

 

 

 

Well apparently it's not the way your girlfriend thinks? being as that's exactly what she did.

 

It goes back to what I was saying: It just seems like your conservatism is placing too many boundaries and rules on your relationship for it's own good by providing you both with a lot more margin for error.

 

lol I totally meant to write "people" instead of "you people". And my analogy was more to say that people will have their own thoughts and views. And you criticizing mine, is the same as me criticizing yours. (didn't want to have anything to do with where you were born or anything like that).

 

And yes you're very right on the gf. I think she's just not practicing what she preaches (which TBH I can do sometimes to). I think a talk about it would make her understand, but again, I haven't told her yet I was bothered by that, and I do not want to have to tell her what to do. If she can't practice what she preaches (it's not the first time this kind of thing happens, where there's a double standard towards what she wants and what she does) then maybe it's time to move on to someone who can.

 

Cheers, and no offence meant at all . In fact I am pretty open minded when it comes to about everything else, but once in a relationship that's it. Otherwise we could just call it dating, or non-exclusive and then obviously we'd both be free to do whatever we want.

[tbf]

Regardless of whether or not there communication style is constant, if a dead phone for 3 hours makes some one insecure, makes them blow up said dead phone, they have a problem.

 

 

3 hours is not that long, at all. Does she really NEED to be in contact ALWAYS. ALL day EVERY day? That sounds just really blanking exhausting, and personally, I would never be able to tolerate that. What the hell would you have to talk about in person.

It's not as simple as that, in this situation. Notice how they had a pattern of constant interaction where suddenly, he decided to change the rules without discussing it with her, not to get permission but to reset parameters. If he felt she was being too dependent and clingy, he needed to directly discuss it with her in a tactful manner. Instead, he pulled a pattern breaking test which can only erode on trust.

 

So now, she's reacting to his rug pulling, reducing dependency by going out and doing what she wants. Notice how he's now the insecure one?

[Star Gazer]

Regardless of whether or not there communication style is constant, if a dead phone for 3 hours makes some one insecure, makes them blow up said dead phone, they have a problem.

 

 

3 hours is not that long, at all. Does she really NEED to be in contact ALWAYS. ALL day EVERY day? That sounds just really blanking exhausting, and personally, I would never be able to tolerate that. What the hell would you have to talk about in person.

 

They had an established pattern such that breaking it would cause one or both of them to become concerned.

[IAmRobot]

It's not as simple as that, in this situation. Notice how they had a pattern of constant interaction where suddenly, he decided to change the rules without discussing it with her, not to get permission but to reset parameters. If he felt she was being too dependent and clingy, he needed to directly discuss it with her in a tactful manner. Instead, he pulled a pattern breaking test which can only erode on trust.

 

So now, she's reacting to his rug pulling, reducing dependency by going out and doing what she wants. Notice how he's now the insecure one?

 

All this is true. Except that I really didn't test her. I didn't turn off my phone on purpose. It really just went off AND we had seen each other twice that day. breakfast and lunch. I really don't care too much about her clingy behavior as long as she doesn't go over the top offending my integrity with that. I almost find it feminine to be "a little bit" clingy.

 

Also on another note she was supposed to go for a drink with friends that day and I didn't wanna disturb her too much with "oh my phone went off" when I didn't even think she would notice.

[IAmRobot]

They had an established pattern such that breaking it would cause one or both of them to become concerned.

 

But the pattern wasn't conscious. It was just there. It's not some kind of rule we adhere by. It's just something we do cuz we feel like it.

[tbf]

All this is true. Except that I really didn't test her. I didn't turn off my phone on purpose. It really just went off AND we had seen each other twice that day. breakfast and lunch. I really don't care too much about her clingy behavior as long as she doesn't go over the top offending my integrity with that. I almost find it feminine to be "a little bit" clingy.

 

Also on another note she was supposed to go for a drink with friends that day and I didn't wanna disturb her too much with "oh my phone went off" when I didn't even think she would notice.

No, I don't believe you turned off your phone. But there was an opportunity and you took it. The impact is that you're now paying the price for taking that opportunity.

 

Learn to expectation manage. If you preset a pattern of behaviour and find it too much to accommodate, resenting expectations, then you need to discuss it with her, instead of unilaterally making high handed relationship decisions that only benefit...you when you're not in the mood to uphold your side of the relationship dynamic you created or helped to create.

[IAmRobot]

No, I don't believe you turned off your phone. But there was an opportunity and you took it. The impact is that you're now paying the price for taking that opportunity.

 

Learn to expectation manage. If you preset a pattern of behaviour and find it too much to accommodate, resenting expectations, then you need to discuss it with her, instead of unilaterally making high handed relationship decisions that only benefit...you when you're not in the mood to uphold your side of the relationship dynamic you created or helped to create.

 

I honestly feel like this is way out of proportion. If she doesn't text me for 4-5 hrs, I don't make such a huge deal out of it. Although it might break our pattern.

[Star Gazer]

But the pattern wasn't conscious. It was just there. It's not some kind of rule we adhere by. It's just something we do cuz we feel like it.

 

So?

 

A comms pattern you are responsible for creating is a comms pattern she has every right to get upset with you for unilaterally breaking.

 

How old are you?

[tbf]

I honestly feel like this is way out of proportion. If she doesn't text me for 4-5 hrs, I don't make such a huge deal out of it. Although it might break our pattern.

Is she identical to you or is it possible that she might be different in how she processes and handles things?

[IAmRobot]

Is she identical to you or is it possible that she might be different in how she processes and handles things?

 

She obviously is different in some ways. But she shouldn't expect what she doesn't adhere too sometimes. That is called imbalance

[tbf]

She obviously is different in some ways. But she shouldn't expect what she doesn't adhere too sometimes. That is called imbalance

Have you discussed any of this with her or are you expecting her to mind read?

[Maleficent]

It's not as simple as that, in this situation. Notice how they had a pattern of constant interaction where suddenly, he decided to change the rules without discussing it with her, not to get permission but to reset parameters. If he felt she was being too dependent and clingy, he needed to directly discuss it with her in a tactful manner. Instead, he pulled a pattern breaking test which can only erode on trust.

 

So now, she's reacting to his rug pulling, reducing dependency by going out and doing what she wants. Notice how he's now the insecure one?

 

I don't agree. If I had a regular pattern of communication with a partner and he suddenly didn't return my call for three hours, I would be worried, then relieved nothing happened.

 

But there is no reason to freak out over this especially if this is a one time thing (now if he regularly does this - it's an entirely different story.)

 

However, I will add one thing. It's really easy nowadays to charge your phone wherever you are. The only plce I can't charge my phone is in my car. But I have a charger at work and at home and it's always plugged overnight.

 

To be honest, I find the 'my phone was out of power' excuse unacceptable, because I think it's so easy to keep your phone charged up.

But that's just me...

[tbf]

I don't agree. If I had a regular pattern of communication with a partner and he suddenly didn't return my call for three hours, I would be worried,

This is a reaction. Now if he had said to you that his phone is out of juice, you wouldn't have been worried at all.

 

then relieved nothing happened.

This is you. There's no way to know not only their relationship dynamics fully or how she subsequently reacts. Notice how he equates dependency with femininity? Someone like that will be attracted to and foster dependencies, unless it's inconvenient to him.

[crederer]

Well, she went off on you unjustifiably, that is a bit weird for her to do that.

 

Now, her going out, I'd go out too if I was invited by a prof. That's what college is all about, learning, meeting people and networking with people.

[Maleficent]

This is a reaction. Now if he had said to you that his phone is out of juice, you wouldn't have been worried at all.

 

This is you. There's no way to know not only their relationship dynamics fully or how she subsequently reacts. Notice how he equates dependency with femininity? Someone like that will be attracted to and foster dependencies, unless it's inconvenient to him.

 

I don't get what your point is?

 

Dude comes here and explains what happened and I give my opinion based on me.

 

As far as their relationship dynamics go - no one here knows about it, so I don't see how your opinion would matter here either...

 

Edit : like I said, I'm not a fan of the whole out of juice thing. But if he came with a story like OPs, I would certainly let it go this once.

[tbf]

I don't get what your point is?

 

Dude comes here and explains what happened and I give my opinion based on me.

 

As far as their relationship dynamics go - no one here knows about it, so I don't see how your opinion would matter here either...

Don't take what I post, personally. My opinions are based off of observations of what the OP has stated in this thread about his girl and himself, rather than how I would feel if I were in this girl's shoes.

 

And if you're being honest, you challenged my perspective first so I'm explaining it to you and subsequently challenging your perspective back. That's the nature of LS.

 

Edit : like I said, I'm not a fan of the whole out of juice thing. But if he came with a story like OPs, I would certainly let it go this once.

Once again, that's you, not the girl.

[Keenly]

Its not him that needs to " manage expectations " its HER. Its HER problem if she gets insecure if she doesn't hear from him for three hours.

 

 

Look, I'm all for people making each other happy by being together, but you do not live for that other person. A relationship is two independent people who live their lives and share them together because they make each other happy.

 

 

He didn't do anything wrong, yet we have people trying to tell him it was his fault that she got mad.

 

Its THREE HOURS PEOPLE . are we all really that co dependent? God forbid we get hit by an EMP and you can't talk to your SO for days at a time. You know, like it used to be.

 

 

I dealt with this crap in my last relationship and its so irritating. If I didn't respond to a text within 15 minutes I got a guilt trip. For this guy, its 3 hours of a dead phone. Grow up.

 

I don't care what either the man or woman " expects " based on past communication. How about a little security in yourself? She needs some hobbies, because she sounds smothering.

 

 

I agree with the op that a little clingibess feels feminine, but that's just like some tie you up on the basement and never let you leave kind of thing.

 

 

What if he goes to a movie with his friends, and then dinner afterwards? How many times does he have to check in if he is with his family?

 

What if he falls asleep? What if he forgot his phone some where? What if his battery is failing to hold a charge?

 

 

 

How about a little more confidence and a little less insecurity, for both men AND women.

[tbf]

It's not about fault. It's about understanding your partner and how your behaviours can impact.

 

Let's say that while in a relationship, you and a partner always spent weekends together. Then, one day, you decide that you don't want to do this. Do you ignore their calls on the weekend, expecting they'll mind read or do you sit down and chat with them?

[Keenly]

It's not about fault. It's about understanding your partner and how your behaviours can impact.

 

Let's say that while in a relationship, you and a partner always spent weekends together. Then, one day, you decide that you don't want to do this. Do you ignore their calls on the weekend, expecting they'll mind read or do you sit down and chat with them?

 

Completely unrelated to the OPs problem.

 

 

I'd tell her around Wednesday. " hey look, im going to play dungeons and dragons with my friends on Sunday, so let's go out to dinner on Friday night "

 

 

Now if while I'm playing, I don't look at my phone for 5 hours, and I get yelled at or forty missed calls, there is going to be a conversation about how she needs to relax, and I'm not leaving her or cheating on her.

[Maleficent]

Don't take what I post, personally. My opinions are based off of observations of what the OP has stated in this thread about his girl and himself, rather than how I would feel if I were in this girl's shoes.

 

And if you're being honest, you challenged my perspective first so I'm explaining it to you and subsequently challenging your perspective back. That's the nature of LS.

 

Once again, that's you, not the girl.

 

My point was why is she angry he didn't respond right away?

 

Something could have happened. He could have gotten hurt, be in the hospital etc.

Once he tells her what happens, I see no reason why she would be all pissy about it. Unless he does this regularly, if her first reaction is to be pissed he didn't reply right away this one time - she is over-reacting and needs to keep her insecurities about whatever the hell it is she thought he was doing (like ignoring her or whatever) in check.

 

This **** ruins otherwise healthy relationships.

[Maleficent]

It's not about fault. It's about understanding your partner and how your behaviours can impact.

 

Let's say that while in a relationship, you and a partner always spent weekends together. Then, one day, you decide that you don't want to do this. Do you ignore their calls on the weekend, expecting they'll mind read or do you sit down and chat with them?

 

But this isn't what happened in this case. His lost batteries and he didn't get a charge to recharge them for three hours. He didn't just decide to not return her calls so he could work out.

[veggirl]

So?

 

A comms pattern you are responsible for creating is a comms pattern she has every right to get upset with you for unilaterally breaking.

 

How old are you?

 

He said they typically talk every 3-4 hours so how is going 3 hours w/o speaking breaking the pattern?

 

He didn't say that the pattern is "an immediate response to an attempt at contact". He said it is texting every 3-4 hours. Sounds like he was exactly within the precious pattern.

 

OP, your gf sounds dramatic and high maintenance. Good god it doesn't take a rocket scientist to call a phone, notice it goes straight to VM and realize THE PHONE IS DEAD. FFS. She is being ridiculous.

 

And sorry but jumping to the conclusion "omg maybe he's cheating!!" because his phone was dead is ABSURD unless he has a history of cheating on her or something. She is being cray cray about this OP.