Are gfs insecurities my fault? Are mine hers?

[IAmRobot]

A few days ago, my phone went off for 3 hrs. I had a really really long work day. Hit the gym after and couldn't charge my phone til midnight. At that point I see voice mails / messages / missed calls of my gf.

 

I call up and she seemed really moody. Asked me 5 times where I was and even asked me "are you sure you're not lying to me" at one point. I took it easily, comforted her, but honestly I did not see it as a big deal and did not want her to make a big deal out of it every time my phone is off for a few hours.

 

The next days she seemed a bit off / cold and yesterday, we met up to go to our merengue class together and again I could feel her insecurities as I was being lovie dovie with her. The same night of the class our teacher (been to this class twice) had invited everyone for drinks. I could not go (sister's bday) but she decided to go. I am getting really bothered by this. It seems a bit off that she would go to a place where there is primarly male to female interaction with noone else she knows.

 

Am I off for being bothered by this? Or did I by comforting her insecurities and her not reciprocating the comfort create mine....

 

It's honestly becoming such a big deal in my head. I really find it weird that a girl wants to go by herself to a bar in the middle of the night to grab a drink with people she does not even know the names of.

[CherryT]

How long have you two been together?

 

I suggest having a conversation and just laying it out on the table. If you've never disappeared for a few hours without telling her she could jump to conclusions. Just like you are. You can voice your insecurities and she can hers and hopefully move on from it.

[heartshaped]

You both seem a little insecure. Three hours is nothing to worry about and maybe she just wanted to go out and be social?

[fanine]

You both sound very insecure. Her for being so moody when your phone is only off for three hours! And you for not liking her going out. I mean, you were busy that evening. Why couldn't she go out and be social? It's good meeting new people. If everyone was doing,the same class there is something in common there. Maybe she just didn't feel like going home and being alone?

[thatone]

I call up and she seemed really moody. Asked me 5 times where I was and even asked me "are you sure you're not lying to me" at one point. I took it easily, comforted her, but honestly I did not see it as a big deal and did not want her to make a big deal out of it every time my phone is off for a few hours.

 

 

The stop giving those types of responses to insecure behavior.

 

You need to get out of the mode of trying to "fix" something you didn't break, otherwise you'll find yourself with broken women forever.

 

If you blew up her phone for hours at a time, demanding that she explain her every action, would she stay with you, would you expect her to?

[Keenly]

I get the feeling she only went out because of spite.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Maybe she went out out of spite, maybe she just wanted to make some new friends. I initially get along with guys better than girls most of the time, 'cos I'm a bit of a tomboy. I go to gatherings of mostly men sometimes, and others I'll go hang with only my girls. I wouldn't stress over her going out because you're just feeding more insecurity into your relationship, and justifying her behaving the way she did over your phone because you'll be overreacting to pointless stuff too.

 

Re the phone, apologise and tell her you didn't mean to make her worry, and then back off and let her work through those insecurities herself. Trying to 'persuade' and convince her you weren't cheating only validates that she has a reason to potentially feel that way. You're entitled to be away from your phone and if she takes that as evidence of cheating you have way too large a trust issue in your relationship. If my bf implied I might have been unfaithful because my phone had died for three hours I'd be livid that he didn't trust me.

[tbf]

Without knowing your interaction pattern prior to the phone battery dying for three hours, it's not possible to provide a tailored response to the situation.

 

To expand on this, if prior to this incident, the two of you were always in contact, texting each other all the time, it would have been common sense to contact her using the work phone or by email, to tell her that your phone died and that you'll text/call her when you get home to recharge your phone.

 

If prior to this incident, you weren't in constant contact and three hours or more of no contact was normal, then she needs to get a grip.

 

But I do find it interesting that while you're criticizing her insecurities and then having insecurities of your own, even with foreknowledge that she's going out where to yank your chain, she could have gone out and turned off her phone instead, it makes me wonder about the trust level in your relationship and how many games happen between you, on a regular basis.

[Lixxy]

A few days ago, my phone went off for 3 hrs. I had a really really long work day. Hit the gym after and couldn't charge my phone til midnight. At that point I see voice mails / messages / missed calls of my gf.

 

I call up and she seemed really moody. Asked me 5 times where I was and even asked me "are you sure you're not lying to me" at one point. I took it easily, comforted her, but honestly I did not see it as a big deal and did not want her to make a big deal out of it every time my phone is off for a few hours.

 

Have you directly given her any reason to mistrust you this much?

As in: Cheated on her and put your phone off?

 

Because if you haven't given her any reason to mistrust you, this is totally her problem. And you don't deserve to bear the brunt of HER problems in this way. It's simply not fair. She really needs to be confronted with the fact that HER insecurities are not YOUR responsibility.

 

 

 

The next days she seemed a bit off / cold and yesterday, we met up to go to our merengue class together and again I could feel her insecurities as I was being lovie dovie with her. The same night of the class our teacher (been to this class twice) had invited everyone for drinks. I could not go (sister's bday) but she decided to go. I am getting really bothered by this. It seems a bit off that she would go to a place where there is primarly male to female interaction with noone else she knows.

 

Am I off for being bothered by this? Or did I by comforting her insecurities and her not reciprocating the comfort create mine....

 

Whilst one partner going out for drinks with some friends is not in and of itself suspicious, the context of the way this was done seems off. -

 

This honestly seems like the kind of thing that she might know (?) might bother you, or at the very least that it's a double-standard on her part (would SHE be comfortable if the tables were turned and you went to somewhere like this without her?).

 

So it seems kind of like something someone in a huff would do.

i.e: "You had your phone off all that time. I'm annoyed. So I'm just going to go to this place without you" kind of thing, which is a completely childish and unhelpful way to handle a relationship problem.

 

 

 

It's honestly becoming such a big deal in my head. I really find it weird that a girl wants to go by herself to a bar in the middle of the night to grab a drink with people she does not even know the names of.

 

It probably seems worse than it actually is to you because you sense the possible reason as to why she'd want to do this in the first place... Whereas, if you two had a more solid relationship, the notion of her simply going to a pub and meeting some people wouldn't feel as threatening and as potential Relationship Apocalypse material...

 

 

 

 

You and her need to sit down together, and have a long, civilized talk about trust, insecurity, and dig deep together to get to the roots as to why you both feel the way you do. Issues may go as far back as previous relationship problems with exes, old school friendships (that turned out to break your trust for example), or even feelings that parents or people in positions of authority (like teachers) had over us whereby we felt they had ingrained insecurity in us.

[IAmRobot]

Maybe she went out out of spite, maybe she just wanted to make some new friends. I initially get along with guys better than girls most of the time, 'cos I'm a bit of a tomboy. I go to gatherings of mostly men sometimes, and others I'll go hang with only my girls. I wouldn't stress over her going out because you're just feeding more insecurity into your relationship, and justifying her behaving the way she did over your phone because you'll be overreacting to pointless stuff too.

 

Well this is the thing. My girl is no tomboy. I am NOT attracted to tomboys. I have many friends who are tomboys. What i am attracted to is girls who are more conservative and we have talked about this. We both expect each other to not go out and party too much, because that is plain unattractive to us. And I think if I had gone to a bar by myself to socialize, she would have not liked it AT ALL... Same thing goes with me. If she is the type of girl who wants to go out and socialize and make new friends... everything good, just not really my type.

 

I don't think she did out of spite. More to keep herself busy so as to "forget her insecurities".

 

The more I think of it the more I get pissed off. This is the same girl that would want me to pick her up at 11pm because she was a bit scared to walk the streets alone at night. And now she goes to a bar all by herself in the middle of the night to talk and socialize, with no friends.... I wonder how she even got home.

 

Re the phone, apologise and tell her you didn't mean to make her worry, and then back off and let her work through those insecurities herself. Trying to 'persuade' and convince her you weren't cheating only validates that she has a reason to potentially feel that way. You're entitled to be away from your phone and if she takes that as evidence of cheating you have way too large a trust issue in your relationship. If my bf implied I might have been unfaithful because my phone had died for three hours I'd be livid that he didn't trust me.

 

I didn't "convince" her I wasn't cheating. My exact words at the end were I am supporting you in these. (i.e. - I wasn't like 'deal with it', but rather 'I love you baby ' and told her how my day went.) When she went a bit over the top with almost accusing me of lying I told her she's making a big deal out of it and what she's saying is not nice, still in a calm manner.

 

And yes we're both a bit insecure due to how close we are I think. But again is there 1 person on earth who doesn't have insecurities... Having insecurities is not a "disease" as people in the new world make it. It's just normal. Noone is perfect and everyone has their little insecurities, whether they admit them or not, it's another story.

[IAmRobot]

But I do find it interesting that while you're criticizing her insecurities and then having insecurities of your own, even with foreknowledge that she's going out where to yank your chain, she could have gone out and turned off her phone instead, it makes me wonder about the trust level in your relationship and how many games happen between you, on a regular basis.

 

Not many games happen. I think she just wanted to take her mind off and be less "dependent" on me. We are very dependent on each other, because of how close we are.

 

We usually call each other (almost) every day at night time (if we aren't hanging out with each other). Text throughout the day and hang out 3-5x/week

[tbf]

Not many games happen. I think she just wanted to take her mind off and be less "dependent" on me. We are very dependent on each other, because of how close we are.

 

We usually call each other (almost) every day at night time (if we aren't hanging out with each other). Text throughout the day and hang out 3-5x/week

Since you knew your battery died, why wouldn't you have told her this by email or called?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Well this is the thing. My girl is no tomboy. I am NOT attracted to tomboys. I have many friends who are tomboys. What i am attracted to is girls who are more conservative and we have talked about this. We both expect each other to not go out and party too much, because that is plain unattractive to us. And I think if I had gone to a bar by myself to socialize, she would have not liked it AT ALL... Same thing goes with me. If she is the type of girl who wants to go out and socialize and make new friends... everything good, just not really my type.

 

I don't think she did out of spite. More to keep herself busy so as to "forget her insecurities".

 

The more I think of it the more I get pissed off. This is the same girl that would want me to pick her up at 11pm because she was a bit scared to walk the streets alone at night. And now she goes to a bar all by herself in the middle of the night to talk and socialize, with no friends.... I wonder how she even got home.

 

 

 

I didn't "convince" her I wasn't cheating. My exact words at the end were I am supporting you in these. (i.e. - I wasn't like 'deal with it', but rather 'I love you baby ' and told her how my day went.) When she went a bit over the top with almost accusing me of lying I told her she's making a big deal out of it and what she's saying is not nice, still in a calm manner.

 

And yes we're both a bit insecure due to how close we are I think. But again is there 1 person on earth who doesn't have insecurities... Having insecurities is not a "disease" as people in the new world make it. It's just normal. Noone is perfect and everyone has their little insecurities, whether they admit them or not, it's another story.

 

You guys are in danger of getting into a 'tit for tat' dynamic, right? You do something she doesn't like, so she does something that is out of character and knows you won't like. I agree that everyone has insecurities, it's a good move to acknowledge that. But it isn't going to contribute to a healthy relationship if you're both acting on them all of the time...

[IAmRobot]

Have you directly given her any reason to mistrust you this much?

As in: Cheated on her and put your phone off?

 

Because if you haven't given her any reason to mistrust you, this is totally her problem. And you don't deserve to bear the brunt of HER problems in this way. It's simply not fair. She really needs to be confronted with the fact that HER insecurities are not YOUR responsibility.

 

No I haven't. She has been cheated in the past a few times. And we;re both from a pretty conservative country. We support each other through our bad times. When she gets insecure, she knows she's at fault. I know it too, but yet I want to support her. So it's not so much that it is my responsibility and duty to comfort her, as it is my choice. Same goes with when I get insecure.

 

 

 

Whilst one partner going out for drinks with some friends is not in and of itself suspicious, the context of the way this was done seems off. -

 

This honestly seems like the kind of thing that she might know (?) might bother you, or at the very least that it's a double-standard on her part (would SHE be comfortable if the tables were turned and you went to somewhere like this without her?).

 

So it seems kind of like something someone in a huff would do.

i.e: "You had your phone off all that time. I'm annoyed. So I'm just going to go to this place without you" kind of thing, which is a completely childish and unhelpful way to handle a relationship problem.

 

Again i don't think she did it out of spite. More of wanting to be less dependent on me to do things. Doing things on your own gives some kind of "anxiety relief" I think. Where you prove yourself that you don't need anyone. I think this is the main reason she really wanted to do something by herself.

 

It probably seems worse than it actually is to you because you sense the possible reason as to why she'd want to do this in the first place... Whereas, if you two had a more solid relationship, the notion of her simply going to a pub and meeting some people wouldn't feel as threatening and as potential Relationship Apocalypse material...

 

It's not relationship apocalypse material. But it's something I'm not attracted to (and neither is she). Tables reverse she thinks of it the same. She doesn't want to be the gf of a guy who goes to random parties to meet you people.

And again it kind of hurt, because it's immediately after we had a pretty bad day. So instead of trying to work on us and her insecurities, it seems like she's just trying to go out and forget them....

[thatone]

Well this is the thing. My girl is no tomboy. I am NOT attracted to tomboys. I have many friends who are tomboys. What i am attracted to is girls who are more conservative and we have talked about this. We both expect each other to not go out and party too much, because that is plain unattractive to us. And I think if I had gone to a bar by myself to socialize, she would have not liked it AT ALL... Same thing goes with me. If she is the type of girl who wants to go out and socialize and make new friends... everything good, just not really my type.

 

I don't think she did out of spite. More to keep herself busy so as to "forget her insecurities".

 

The more I think of it the more I get pissed off. This is the same girl that would want me to pick her up at 11pm because she was a bit scared to walk the streets alone at night. And now she goes to a bar all by herself in the middle of the night to talk and socialize, with no friends.... I wonder how she even got home.

 

 

 

I didn't "convince" her I wasn't cheating. My exact words at the end were I am supporting you in these. (i.e. - I wasn't like 'deal with it', but rather 'I love you baby ' and told her how my day went.) When she went a bit over the top with almost accusing me of lying I told her she's making a big deal out of it and what she's saying is not nice, still in a calm manner.

 

And yes we're both a bit insecure due to how close we are I think. But again is there 1 person on earth who doesn't have insecurities... Having insecurities is not a "disease" as people in the new world make it. It's just normal. Noone is perfect and everyone has their little insecurities, whether they admit them or not, it's another story.

 

In all of those "we"s I see "you".

 

Sounds to me like you have told her how to behave, and she foolishly tried to live up to your expectations, and she is realizing that pretending to fit your ideal isn't necessarily the best thing for her.

[IAmRobot]

Since you knew your battery died, why wouldn't you have told her this by email or called?

 

Didnt have access to a phone. Only to a computer for a few minutes. And text through out the day, usually once in 3-4 hrs. But again it's not like a rule. More of a pattern. I don't need another mother to get worried about me whenever my phone is off for an hr.

 

Also, we had seen each other in the morning and lunchtime that day, so I didn't really see it as a big deal. Also at the end I called her as soon as I got home. (I could have gone to sleep - was very tired). I'm ok with the fact that she got 'a bit' worried. But after I told her exactly what happened, that should have been it.

[tbf]

Didnt have access to a phone. Only to a computer for a few minutes. And text through out the day, usually once in 3-4 hrs. But again it's not like a rule. More of a pattern.

So you could have emailed her.

 

I don't need another mother to get worried about me whenever my phone is off for an hr.

But this is interesting and telling. Any idea why?

[IAmRobot]

I agree that everyone has insecurities, it's a good move to acknowledge that. But it isn't going to contribute to a healthy relationship if you're both acting on them all of the time...

 

I think this is key. I think we share our insecurities. Sometimes we complain over the board about them, but usually never "act on them". And that's why I didn't like what she did, as it was "acting on them" although I am sure it's only in her subconscious and she's not aware of it.

[thatone]

Do you want a companion or a child to protect? A child can't find their way home on their own. An adult companion doesn't need your permission to leave the house.

 

So you want her to not do this and not so that as if she is incapable of survival without you, but on the other hand you "don't need another mother bothering you."

 

Can't have it both ways.

[IAmRobot]

So you could have emailed her.

 

But this is interesting and telling. Any idea why?

 

Because it's way too obsessive. She needs to try to put herself in my shoes when these things happen too. I do put mine in hers always... :/

[IAmRobot]

Do you want a companion or a child to protect? A child can't find their way home on their own. An adult companion doesn't need your permission to leave the house.

 

So you want her to not do this and not so that as if she is incapable of survival without you, but on the other hand you "don't need another mother bothering you."

 

Can't have it both ways.

 

YESSS. Exactly. So I was OK with comforting her insecurities (and always have been). I don't mind taking care of her, doing little things to make her happy, being lovie dovie, but when she was like "Oh I'm going there on my own in the middle of the night". I was like WTF. So you don't really need me to take care of you. The way I see it, she can't have it both ways.

 

And by your same theory... and adult companion also doesn't need my permission to go **** someone else.... -.-'

[tbf]

Because it's way too obsessive. She needs to try to put herself in my shoes when these things happen too. I do put mine in hers always... :/

Whether you're aware of it or not, you were testing her.

[Lixxy]

Again i don't think she did it out of spite. More of wanting to be less dependent on me to do things. Doing things on your own gives some kind of "anxiety relief" I think. Where you prove yourself that you don't need anyone. I think this is the main reason she really wanted to do something by herself.

 

 

 

It's not relationship apocalypse material. But it's something I'm not attracted to (and neither is she). Tables reverse she thinks of it the same. She doesn't want to be the gf of a guy who goes to random parties to meet you people.

And again it kind of hurt, because it's immediately after we had a pretty bad day. So instead of trying to work on us and her insecurities, it seems like she's just trying to go out and forget them....

 

Lol, what do you mean by "you people"?

 

At this point you actually both sound too conservative for your own good, and those conservative ideals actually help keep your insecurities in place.

Going out to for drinks shouldn't be a deal-breaker, but if you want it to be - because it's the "conservative" thing to do - you're probably going to have a lot more issues where this came from.

[IAmRobot]

Lol, what do you mean by "you people"?

 

At this point you actually both sound too conservative for your own good, and those conservative ideals actually help keep your insecurities in place.

Going out to for drinks shouldn't be a deal-breaker, but if you want it to be - because it's the "conservative" thing to do - you're probably going to have a lot more issues where this came from.

 

Everyone has their own thoughts and opinions. If you were born in a conservative country, you would deem people ware too liberal as stupid. If you are born in the Western world you deem people who are more conservative stupid.

 

My take on it is everyone can do whatever they want and have whatever beliefs they want. Going out for drinks is not a deal breaker. Going out for drinks with strangers is. Sorry, that's the way I think of it and that's the way my gf does too (as far as I know).

[Keenly]

Regardless of whether or not there communication style is constant, if a dead phone for 3 hours makes some one insecure, makes them blow up said dead phone, they have a problem.

 

 

3 hours is not that long, at all. Does she really NEED to be in contact ALWAYS. ALL day EVERY day? That sounds just really blanking exhausting, and personally, I would never be able to tolerate that. What the hell would you have to talk about in person.