Crushed...

[His]

I'm new here and not sure where to turn. I'm currently in a LDR for nearly 8 months. He is my Prince Charming...my everything. We've had ups, downs, and everything in between. We try to see each other often and do a ton of texting and we phone chat. In August, I was feeling as though I couldn't make him happy. He's cranky a lot, but I knew that from the start and I understand his moods. He couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't text him all the time. I feel badly about it, but with work and family...it's hard. I felt so weighed down and ganged up on. He was in a real mood and felt as though I was ignoring him. I wasn't and I reassured him often. Finally, I had enough...met with him to break it off and when he cried, I folded. He's extremely needy and clingy and he would even admit to that. Remember...I love this man with every ounce of my being. My soul is in love with his soul. He completes me in every way. He has faults and so do I. Anyway....after the break up incident we haven't been getting along. He's down because of money, family, job, life issues and being LDR isn't exactly stress free. He's depressed a lot and I try to help as much as I can. It all came to a head and he respectfully said he needed "a break" to get himself together. He told me not to worry and that he loves me, but he is depressed about how his life is going and needs to reflect. He said all relationship rules still apply...this js thinking, not a time to be with other people. He says he won't need longer than a week and he said..."baby...I'm marrying you and I'll always love you." I believe him because I know him well enough. The "break" begins and I hold tight to the no contact rule. He starts texting me 5 hours after needing his break and then begging me to please come back not even within 24 hours. I'm still not replying and/or calling. He wanted a week break...he will see what it's like to be without me. Does it hurt?????!!! Yes! I haven't held down food for days, haven't slept, can't eat, headache, tired, crying...sobbing. I feel as though he ripped my soul from me.

 

I don't know what to do...do I give in and return his messages? I feel as though I messed up in August and kinda derailed us temporarily. I love him so much.

 

Sorry for any typos...on the phone and typing!

 

Thank you in advance

[Toddbt12y1]

He will only get upset again, withdraw to this "break crap". In reality, you shouldn't play the let's take a "break" Game. Do not contact him. Test him. See if he feels the same after a week.

 

It Doesn't look good though

[His]

That's what I keep telling myself. I'm already days into the no contact and dealing with the pains of being without him. If he decides to turn the break into a break up...I'm already days into the healing. We are worlds apart, yet so similar. He's very jealous and cannot handle me being around men in general. He finds me intimidating due to success and beauty. I don't give him any reason to feel this way. He's a true gem. I know that saying all of this makes him look pretty awful. I think he's made some mistakes along the way. At one point he suggested a tracking device on my phone to help him with his insecurities. I agreed to it, but the GPS wouldn't always track properly. It led to many problems and I deleted it and told him it was nonsense. He has attachment issues and there have been issues because of it. I, however, will not succumb to the "let's take a break" thing any longer. I'll wait out the week and then changes need to be made or it's goodbye. I'm already feeling the pain of being without him because I won't give in. He asked for a week...he is getting one.

Edited August 30, 2013 by His
Spelling

[leafguy]

Stay the course with your break.

 

I turned into a bit of a needy / clingy / obsessive BF and the end result was she got into an emotional affair. Whether it was completely because of that, I don't know and I refuse to blame myself for her running off.

 

However, with that being said, I know what your bf is going through. He clearly isn't happy with himself and needs to change that before he can make the change to a happy relationship. I personally do not believe that a week is long enough to make any form of change to one's life that is meaningful and that will stick.

 

For me, I sunk into a huge rut where my confidence was based off how happy she was and how the relationship was going. If she was happy, I was happy. If she was upset and didn't want to see me every night, I got mad and upset.

 

Point of my story is, I think a month is about the minimum time before a noticeable change can be made. It has to become a habit...example is I have been at the gym 24 of the last 30 nights. It has become a habit and I feel guilty now if I don't go. I enjoy the outlet and am happier all around, despite how upset I am about my breakup a few days ago.

 

Bottom line is, you either try to help him work through it, or leave and hope he works through it on his own and leave the door open if he can change and be happier.

[His]

I'll be by his side. No way would I want him to fight his demons alone. He is needy/clingy/obsessive and would admit to that. He just has bad self esteem. I do not feel he's trying to see anyone else. I am proud of him for how far he's come in a few short months. He doesn't have a support system. He doesn't have friends that he would consider loyal. He doesn't go out unless it's to his cousin's house to play cards. He's an all around good guy. He just has insecurity issues and bad self esteem.

[LinkWorshiper]

I'll be by his side. No way would I want him to fight his demons alone. He is needy/clingy/obsessive and would admit to that. He just has bad self esteem. I do not feel he's trying to see anyone else. I am proud of him for how far he's come in a few short months. He doesn't have a support system. He doesn't have friends that he would consider loyal. He doesn't go out unless it's to his cousin's house to play cards. He's an all around good guy. He just has insecurity issues and bad self esteem.

 

I am just going to put this out there for you now to keep in the back of your head JUST IN CASE... mostly because I was where you are months ago, I rode an emotional roller coaster and don't have much to show for it at the moment. My ex is someone I love dearly, but we broke up for similar reasons, though it took him a while to get to a place where he even realized he had to work on himself. I tried to be supportive, tried to be his friend, tried to let him ride the tides... all that ended up happening was that he "met someone else", and I took a big step back. For a month we didn't talk, then he sent me a very misleading letter, and when we started talking again, I thought things were going in a good way. But he is not any better than he was, and it's starting to become clear that even if he really loves me and wants things to eventually work out, he's not doing it in a healthy way for either of us.

 

My point is that you have to be careful in this situation. There is a huge risk with people who truly care that they will sacrifice too much. I think that maybe is what I did and I am in even worse pain than I've been in a while. Make sure you have some boundaries so you don't get taken advantage of. Good luck.

[CherryT]

oh my... there is so much going on here. He's not emotionally stable and you can't give that to someone. Has he tried counselling? To get him to work through his depression? Were you planning on closing the distance?

 

I don't think you should ignore him if you want to get back together. Judging by his emotional behaviour, he probably won't understand that you're doing it because it's what he asked for in the beginning. I think you can respond to him and tell him you're still here and that you love him, but you want to give him that week to reflect. He misses you, but he can't use you as a crutch and not get over his own issues. You can't erase those for him.

[ThisGal]

I specifically joined this site just to reply to you! Lol. I somehow stumbled on this site when I typed in "long distance relationships" in my search engine since I am in a LDR myself.

 

Anyhow, while reading this all I can think of was wow she's way too emotionally attached; especially for 8 months. I'm not putting a time-frame as to when feelings should evolve; however, no one should be THAT emotionally dependent on anyone. It isn't healthy. "He completes me in every way." No human being should ever be able to complete another because one should already be complete before coming into a relationship...what another person can do is be a great addition to you life. "I love this man with every ounce of my being. My soul is in love with his soul." Please stop with the dramatics. I'm not trying to be rude but you sound too poetic to me, this isn't Romeo and Juliet, this is real life. Love is great but c'mon.

 

Honestly, I think he needs to seek professional help first. He is not capable of handling a relationship at the moment since he's clearly battling depression. And depression is a very serious condition. He needs to seek professional help, you aren't able to 'fix' him no matter how much assurance, love and support you give him, a professional is needed. He is also too clingy. That's a turn-off for anyone. No one wants to feel like the person they're in a relationship with cannot function without them. Needing a text or call every second of the day is not necessary. You also mention that he's down because of financial issues, familial issues, etc...maybe the stress is too much to handle. A relationship is prob the last thing he needs at the moment. He needs to clear his mind. He needs to focus on other things because his relationship can't be a priority when he's bombarded with other stress factors. Not saying he is unable to handle it all but some people can't deal. And you also need to ask yourself some questions, why you are latching on to him. I know you care about him and love him but love yourself first. And please go eat something and get some much-needed rest.

 

I think you should give him the break he asked for. He needs to process being without you. Also, when the break is over you two should have a really serious long, mature talk! Long distance relationship ARE possible if both parties are willing to make it work! It takes effort and dedication but it's doable. Anyway, I wish you two the best. Good luck!

Edited August 30, 2013 by ThisGal

[His]

I did stop no contact. We had a great talk. He's depressed. Has been battling it all of his life. He has severe abandonment issues. I couldn't keep up the no contact especially because it was due to his depression and he needed me.

 

Our relationship isn't like normal relationships. When I say I love this man...I mean it. It's over the top romantic love and we are connected in every way. I know that he cannot be the partner that be wants to be right now. Not to be poetic and dramatic, but it's true...my soul does love his. We see one another often and talk all the time. I am attached to him, but love him enough to say goodbye. I'm unsure if it will come to that, but if that's what it does...it does.

 

It is painful to love someone who's depressed. You start to assume every mood is because of you. Every bad day is as well. It's not. He's seriously sick from depression. How do you say goodbye to someone you love so deeply that you don't rip yourself clean in half? It's been so good. He was depressed when we first met over the exact same things. I was there and helped pull him out. I hope to be there again.

[His]

I did tell him that I'm there for him and my no contact was due to him needing time. He can't even take care of himself let alone a relationship. Am I attached? Yes! To see someone you love slipping away into depression is terrifying. He currently will not leave the house other than for work. Relationships can't be 100%/100% all the time.

 

I'm just to the point where I don't know what to do..

[His]

oh my... there is so much going on here. He's not emotionally stable and you can't give that to someone. Has he tried counselling? To get him to work through his depression? Were you planning on closing the distance?

 

Yes, we will be closing the distance within 6 months tops. I'm waiting for my home to sell. We aren't in a typical LDR where we never see one another. We see each other quite often.