2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Engaged a few years - that's delayed commitment... And you COULD have moved to one house and made rent money on the other - splitting the rent between you two...and come out ahead...only doing cleaning etc on one house. But he still seems selfish - he wants his way - unable to apologize (that's a deal breaker for me) - and being disrespectful even once a year (showing his true lack of character). I think you are better off not having him in your life since that's the way he participates. He didn't OFFER you help - then yelled at you like you're a piece of trash - that is NOT acceptable! It's all about him, his wants, his needs. That's not partnership material. No date because you two own property? Come on - I know people that wouldn't let ANYTHING stand in their way when they intend to BE with the one they love, honor and respect!
DustinTheWind85 Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (The most important part is at the bottom;tldr @ bottom) I would like to give you my two cents about what your man is thinking. I have dealt with the same thing, and have reacted the same way. He is wrong to react that way, and he needs help learning a new way to communicate his feelings. He clearly cares about you, he enjoys sex with you, and from the sounds of it he is loyal (calling you instead of taking advantage of you not being their and being unable to fulfill his needs). It also sounds like he is not great at communicating emotion (like me). He feels anxiety, fear, pain, etc. and bottles it up and doesn't know what to do with it. Basically, it seems that your man is sensitive. He, like me, needs sex or affection and company from the woman he cares about as a sign of love. He probably subconsciously needs signs from you that you want and need him. His recent bout of ED certainly won't help his sensitivity either. Maybe he was afraid he wouldn't be able to please you the next day and was anxious about it but couldn't vocalize it. Essentially what I am trying to say is, it sounds like you have a good man that needs help learning to deal with and communicate emotion, possibly along with another issue such as anxiety. Verbal abuse shouldn't be tolerated, but if he is willing to work on it an 8 year relationship is worth saving. If he hit you or showed violent behavior, that would be different.
Tiger Lily Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Yes Tiger I have thought about that. I think I just got comfortable...it didn't happen a lot. In this most recent incident..it has been a year since he acted like this. And this is the worst thing he has ever said by a long shot. I am normally not criticized by him. The baby behavior is what has happened in the past...about once a year...or twice...but not the insults. We had been engaged for a few years without a date set. The housing market hasn't been good and we both own our own homes so we have basically stayed put. Take some time to think about what you want, Kindred. I am one to always hope that couples will work through their problems. But a lot will come down to whether or not is he willing to admit his own errors and work towards a change. In the meantime, I think individual counseling can give you some ideas on how to clarify your goals for the relationship (whether your goal is to stay together, or not), and how you can reach those goals in a healthy way .
Kimmie80 Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I can totally relate! I was with my ex for 15 years. On our 10 year anniversary, I had found out that I was pregnant with our 3rd child and he was having an affair. It lasted 6 months. My parents are all about the kids, and no matter what, you stay together. The kids don't need to be brought into our mess. Get over it and move on! So, instead of getting over it, I continued on. The next 4 years had its ups and downs. When we fight, I get called every name in the book, including a cu**. He even spat in my face a few times. Yet, he claims he loves me. He was brought up in foster care so he was never really shown how to love someone. I would always use this as an excuse. It was only a few months ago that I decided enough was enough. I deserved to be treated with respect. I am the mother of his 4 children and I will always love him, but I am no longer in love with him. He still makes me feel like crap for leaving. Blaming me for destroying our family. He reminds me every day that it is my fault. And trust me, I feel like a horrible person for destroying my children's home. But sometimes, we have to put ourselves first in order to make our children happy.
smoky eyes Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 My ex and I had terrible, though infrequent, arguments. You are SO right to break that off and since finishing with my ex I've also realized that it is not acceptable that someone says I'm crazy and have issues, or flips out if I'm too tired for sex. His reactions are extremely verbally/emotionally abusive and no one should have to put up with that in their primary relationship.
2sunny Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 It's bad enough that he was mean spirited to you - it was made way worse by him not apologizing.
Author Kindred100 Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 Yeah because to me it wasn't that serious of an argument initially. It was a misunderstanding really. Every single argument we have ever had have been over this type of issue. I've always been somewhat independent... And he needs a lot of attention. When I feel rested and happy we get along fine. I feel he is a fair weather friend...who treats me well during the good times..but doesn't support me during the bad. And since life is a series of good and bad times...well there ya go! I told him this recently. That he doesn't stay by my side when times are stressful. He says he does, but that I push him aside during those times.
chezron Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 I was married to a man like yours. They are incapable of looking at themselves, so forget couple's counseling, because nothing is ever HIS fault. Right? The fact that he won't apologize is a big red flag. Please save yourself the anguish and drop this guy. I sure wish I had. Because, listen, if he is treating you like this now it will get worse if you marry. And, it is not how well you get along in low stress times, it is how you get along when things are rough that is important. He treats you like crap and will continue to treat you like crap--or worse-- in the future. Look up "narcissist" because that is what he is.
Author Kindred100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 So he had a birthday card for me that I never rec'd due to this incident occurring. He asked me to stop by and pick it up. I told him I would but didn't say when. I actually wasn't sure that I would. So a few days go by and I get an email from him saying how stupid he is to have cancelled a golf outing because he thought I might stop by. I replied "why woud you cancel a golf outing for a lousy piece of ass" Haha..couldn't resist.
CarrieT Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I replied "why woud you cancel a golf outing for a lousy piece of ass" Haha..couldn't resist. Tell me, what truly serves the purpose of being so passive-aggressive? Does it REALLY make you feel better? Why not just let it go?
Author Kindred100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Good advice Carrie. I'm in the process. 8 years is a long time. I guess I should just wander over to the No Contact threads. 1
pteromom Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Some people feel that 90% good is a pretty high percentage. That everyone has something, and nobody is perfect. 90% is pretty good in some cases. If someone gets 90% of your jokes, likes 90% of the same movies, has 90% of the same life goals, is happy 90% of the time.. then sure, 90% is great. But when the other 10% is being called names, talked down to, disrespected, and most of all - NOT taking responsibility and apologizing so the relationship can grow, there really isn't anywhere to go with that. The 90% good part will begin to diminish as it is filled with resentment and hurt from the other 10%.
Author Kindred100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 My father was a very nice man. He was very kind to his wife and children and I really admired him. His kindness made such a positive impact on my life. My mother told me that if they ever did argue..he never apologized for anything. I was surprised by that. My fiancé..now my ex fiancé once said..why does an apology matter so much? Because it does....it just does.
2sunny Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 He's not going to apologize because he's not sorry. And telling YOU to come PICK UP a card? Wtf??? I'd tell him to keep the lousy card and his lousy attitude! Tell him you're not planning to come over for anything! What - he says jump and wants you to say "how high?" That's just a crappy man!!!
2sunny Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 So he had a birthday card for me that I never rec'd due to this incident occurring. He asked me to stop by and pick it up. I told him I would but didn't say when. I actually wasn't sure that I would. So a few days go by and I get an email from him saying how stupid he is to have cancelled a golf outing because he thought I might stop by. I replied "why woud you cancel a golf outing for a lousy piece of ass" Haha..couldn't resist. Tell me, what truly serves the purpose of being so passive-aggressive? Does it REALLY make you feel better? Why not just let it go? I think - considering the. Circumstances - it was a perfect reply...except I never would have agreed to "go get" a birthday card! I've had men fly across the country for my birthday - and never, ever would have thought that I needed to beg and crawl over to them to "receive a card"!
Trimmer Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 My father was a very nice man. He was very kind to his wife and children and I really admired him. His kindness made such a positive impact on my life. My mother told me that if they ever did argue..he never apologized for anything. I was surprised by that. My fiancé..now my ex fiancé once said..why does an apology matter so much? Because it does....it just does. Before an apology is given, two people are essentially on opposite sides of an issue. If one was wronged and the other doesn't acknowledge it, it's as if they are disagreeing and can't come to a meeting of the minds, so they stay opposed. When a true apology is given*, it has the effect that the wrongdoer says "I now agree with you that I was wrong." It brings both parties to the same side of the issue. So that's why an apology matters so much... It brings two people who are in opposition back together, on the same side, facing the same way, pulling in the same direction again. Looked at this way, that seems to me to be an absolutely, stupendously huge thing in any relationship from professional, to friends, to lovers and life partners. __________________________ * A real one, not one of those lame "I'm sorry you were offended" ones that basically blames the other person for feeling wronged...
Author Kindred100 Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Asking me to come over for a birthday card was his way to get me to come over to discuss what happened between us. He knows I would not allow him to come over here. He's backed himself into a corner with what he said and he knows it. It's as if an apology would make him a weaker person. Prior arguments we have had were not like this one. They didn't involve name calling, or even put downs really. They were arguments on how we do or don't spend time together basically. I have always felt somewhat smothered by him..like he wanted all of my time. I'm sure he is sorry he said it. But not because it was hurtful. Only because he doesn't have me now.
2sunny Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Asking me to come over for a birthday card was his way to get me to come over to discuss what happened between us. He knows I would not allow him to come over here. He's backed himself into a corner with what he said and he knows it. It's as if an apology would make him a weaker person. Prior arguments we have had were not like this one. They didn't involve name calling, or even put downs really. They were arguments on how we do or don't spend time together basically. I have always felt somewhat smothered by him..like he wanted all of my time. I'm sure he is sorry he said it. But not because it was hurtful. Only because he doesn't have me now. A strong and authentic man apologizes readily. Owns the bad behavior and no Longer does the hurtful words or actions. Just the fact that he told you to come get a card (and didn't make effort to BRING IT TO YOU) is enough for me to know he doesn't make effort FOR YOU... But couple that with another motive that isn't outright stated (I need to talk about this with you) is more than enough to understand he is perfectly inadequate for expressing his true motive and feelings. And no action to set things right = it's over. He's not honest and he's sneaky about trying to get you bumped back into your submissive role to suit HIS needs.
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