UGH such disrespect!

[Kindred100]

I have been with my guy for 8 years. We are engaged but don't live together. About once a year we split up for a few weeks because I find his behavior towards me controlling and disrespectful. He never apologizes, and always blames me which I find somewhat emotionally abusive. IN between arguments we get along pretty well. Conflict resolution skills on his part seem pretty non existent. It is always me smoothing over disagreements. We can go months and months without an argument though...but I really hate it when we have one.

 

We had an argument 2 weeks ago and he became disrespectful. Unlike what I usually do I suggested he owed me an apology. His reply was "If you think I'm going to apologize for a lousy "piece of a@@" then you don't know me very well"

 

I can't even believe that someone would say something like this to their fiancé. My brothers think I should forgive as he didn't mean it. My girl friends feel I am too good for that kind of treatment. I tend to agree with them....and this comment was the lowest of the low that I have heard from him.

 

I returned his ring to him without saying a word and left and haven't spoken to him since.

 

Am I overreacting? I feel somewhat sickened by it.

[oldshirt]

I have been with my guy for 8 years. We are engaged but don't live together. About once a year we split up for a few weeks because I find his behavior towards me controlling and disrespectful. He never apologizes, and always blames me which I find somewhat emotionally abusive. IN between arguments we get along pretty well. Conflict resolution skills on his part seem pretty non existent. It is always me smoothing over disagreements. We can go months and months without an argument though...but I really hate it when we have one.

 

We had an argument 2 weeks ago and he became disrespectful. Unlike what I usually do I suggested he owed me an apology. His reply was "If you think I'm going to apologize for a lousy "piece of a@@" then you don't know me very well"

 

I can't even believe that someone would say something like this to their fiancé. My brothers think I should forgive as he didn't mean it. My girl friends feel I am too good for that kind of treatment. I tend to agree with them....and this comment was the lowest of the low that I have heard from him.

 

I returned his ring to him without saying a word and left and haven't spoken to him since.

 

Am I overreacting? I feel somewhat sickened by it.

 

no. you under reacted over 7 years ago when he started treating you with disrespect.

[oldshirt]

I have been with my guy for 8 years..

 

I would see this as a valid concern if this was 8 months and the first few hints of disrespectful character were starting to pop through. But the fact that you have been with him and never moved forward to marriage etc or never moved on to someone else that was more compatable is very telling in and of itself.

 

The real question you need to be addressing is what have YOU put up with this so long?????????

 

Your post is essentially just asking us to agree with you that he was not nice to you. You are simply seeking validation that you were valid in having your feelings hurt.

 

OK fine, what he said was hurtful. But does that really help the underlying condition of your incompatibility and his generally disrespectful attitude towards you?

 

unless someone is a teenager or a college underclassman, a year is plenty of time to know if someone is a right fit and a decent person and of good character or not. If it ain't happen'n and there aren't any serious future plans after a year, you are justified in walking. 8 years with someone just marking time is a sign of some serious underlying incompatibilities and differing life goals.

 

The issue here isn't his sharp tongue, your real issue is why you are putting up with it and staying so long.

[Kindred100]

Very good questions.

 

One reason I guess is because of our ages. I am 45 and he is 55. We both own our own homes and just haven't wanted to sell them in a bad market. When we got engaged we had talked about selling and getting our own, then the housing market fell. Marriage was never really a big goal for me. During this time also my son graduated from college and moved out on his own. I work from home as well and so has been easy for me to just live here.

 

There are some compatibilities that I haven't found in other men. We basically enjoy each other's company for the most part. Travel together, eat dinner together, help each other out, share our lives. He isn't disrespectful all the time....he cooks for me as he loves to cook, and we discuss our days...sleep together, go to dinner. He doesn't cheat, drink too much, use drugs, gamble, looks good, dresses nice. Fixes things when they break. You know...a regular guy for the most part.

.

One of the reasons I asked the question is because of the disparity in responses I get from men vs women. My brothers...who are not disrespectful to their wives say "yeah but you know he didn't mean it, he just got pissed" and women will say "My man would never speak to me that way".

[oldshirt]

My brothers...who are not disrespectful to their wives say "yeah but you know he didn't mean it, he just got pissed" and women will say "My man would never speak to me that way".

 

only two possible options here. either he says it because he is thinking it (there for means it at the time)

 

Or he doesn't mean it which means that he is saying it simply to inflict pain and to put you down and hurt you.

 

Take your pick. Which do you prefer.

[oldshirt]

Oh and just FYI, I am a 49 year old married man and I have never said anything even remotely that hurtfull to anyone nor would I condone anyone who did.

[Kindred100]

I know you are so right. That's why I broke it off. UGH! I remember when I first met him and we were getting to know one another. He said he hated to argue because he says things that he regrets. What a fool.

 

I'm looking forward to my life without such words!

[Kindred100]

We will run into each other. And he is going to act broken hearted. Like I broke his heart for no reason at all. I am so done with this.

[Trimmer]

One of the reasons I asked the question is because of the disparity in responses I get from men vs women. My brothers...who are not disrespectful to their wives say "yeah but you know he didn't mean it, he just got pissed"....

What does "didn't mean it" mean anyway? Really think about it, and try hard to break it down. After some thought, it becomes an awfully vague and somewhat empty idea if you really think about it.

 

As oldshirt said, either he did "mean it", or he didn't "mean it" and just used it - perhaps instinctively - to injure. Is either one of these really any better than the other?

 

Oh and just FYI, I am a 49 year old married man and I have never said anything even remotely that hurtfull to anyone nor would I condone anyone who did.

I'm a 50 year-old divorced man, and I agree completely.

[2sunny]

We will run into each other. And he is going to act broken hearted. Like I broke his heart for no reason at all. I am so done with this.

 

Just treat him like you would a neighbor when you bump into him.

 

His disrespectful words are unforgivable. You've let his bad behavior go for 8 years - so essentially, he thinks you're going to put up with his bad behavior.

 

Being on your own is better than being with any man who is good 90% of the time but horrible the other 10%.

 

We train people how to treat us - you've trained him that disrespecting you is ok.

 

His inability to apologize is a big red flag.

 

 

And your brothers thinking it's "ok" to refer to you as a piece of a$$ is just NOT OK! He DID mean it because he said it.

Edited August 30, 2013 by 2sunny

[Kindred100]

The words themselves diminish me and our relationship. The truth is I was his whole world. I truly do not think he views me this way. I'm sure he feels it will blow over and I will forgive him.

 

Some people feel that 90% good is a pretty high percentage. That everyone has something, and nobody is perfect.

 

It's such darkness though. I don't think I have quite felt the darkness in this much intensity until now. What were mere arguments before has now just turned to darkness. And I know I won't return to it. 8 years is a long time. It's a lot of sharing and caring.

 

I dream of a man with sparkling blue eyes.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

It is not out of line to expect your partner/so/spouse to behave within acceptable boundaries even during arguments.

 

Those lines "can" be different, but whatever is acceptable to both parties.

 

For example...

 

I might fight with my husband and tell him he's being an axxhole about some situation. And that might be "acceptable" for us, but not for another couple.

 

But, in your case I think that the difference I read in his response was that he was saying something intended to insult you. I am assuming you were not fighting about bad sex?

 

So in a moment of anger, while discussing whatever, he says (basically)

He will not apologize.

You are a lousy lay.

He considers you a piece of axx, not a partner/SO

Fights are about winning, not resolving.

 

I agree with Oldshirt...

 

But, If you do try to resolve...you need couples counseling to learn how to fight.

 

But honestly...this seems to be an ingrained coping mechanism on his part, and for you to tolerate it...you need to find out if it can be fixed.

 

IIWII

[Kindred100]

I probably am a lousy lay sometimes. Our sex life runs the gamut from good sex, mediocre sex, and lousy sex. Just 2 weeks ago he made a comment that he always sleeps so good after really good sex. I know he thinks its good,,,but probably not every time.

 

He has had a few incidences of ED over the past month for the first time since I've known him. He is being treated for prostate issues as well.

 

I haven't really discussed the ED with him much..other than to say 'That's ok, we'll do it in the morning" and then we do.

 

Not sure if the ED issues are causing this reaction.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I probably am a lousy lay sometimes. Our sex life runs the gamut from good sex, mediocre sex, and lousy sex. Just 2 weeks ago he made a comment that he always sleeps so good after really good sex. I know he thinks its good,,,but probably not every time.

 

He has had a few incidences of ED over the past month for the first time since I've known him. He is being treated for prostate issues as well.

 

I haven't really discussed the ED with him much..other than to say 'That's ok, we'll do it in the morning" and then we do.

 

Not sure if the ED issues are causing this reaction.

 

So were you fighting abut sex? Or was he passive aggressively bringing it up in a fight about something else.

 

I can't tell by your response.

[Kindred100]

It was about sex indirectly. We had a misunderstanding about when I was coming over to see him. When I didn't show up he sent me a scathing email about me pushing him aside. I told him it was obviously a miscommunication as I thought I was coming over the following morning. He then launched into a "all I do is push him aside" and he cares about me more than I do about him.

 

I had been working very stressful job with 10 hours days since June. I see him 5 days a week normally. What really happened is he went 4 days without sex due to me being work burned out.

 

I told him to please stop dumping on me. He said "why can't you just apologize and come over" I said "Why don't you apologize for dumping on me over nothing" Then I got my answer.

[CherryT]

I don't think you overreacted. This man obviously has no accountability for his actions. Does he blame you for his short comings as well? I think you did the right thing to break off the engagement... Think about your future when you get into disagreements? My mother taught me that you don't ever get the respect you deserve. You only get the respect that you demand. I'm not blaming you because you are standing your ground now. I also don't know what your brothers are thinking... If my SO said that to me, my brother would have more than just a few choice words for him.

 

You should never feel like just "some piece of as*" in your relationship. His actions and words coincide with one another... and that's not good. He seems selfish and entitled and can't consider your feelings and your schedule... and because of that he resorts to being disrespectful. I would hightail it.

Edited August 30, 2013 by CherryT

[2sunny]

Seriously? A grown man treats you like his call girl and whines and cries when it's not fast enough for you to come over?

 

That is treating you in a terrible manner! I'm glad you said no more!

[Kindred100]

I know. It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of it. When I am with him though he really doesn't treat me like a call girl. He has this horrible rejection oversensitivity that drives me up a wall. You see..the week leading up to this argument I had vacation time. We had no plans to go anywhere, and I really needed to spend some time doing chores at home. I'm not home a lot so the cleaning and maintenance chores needed doing. He felt totally blown off because I spent so much time at home..but really I needed to get things done there. So now he already felt blown off by me....and then when I didn't show up when he thought I would..he thought I was totally disrespecting him. That how could I not want to spend any time with him on my vacation.

 

I almost saw his point a little bit. I probably should have spent some time with him. Just as I was considering these points....he sent that email.

 

I'm not justifying what he did...just that those would be the points he would make if I tried to discuss it.

[Kindred100]

I think my brothers feel I should forgive him because we have been together so long, they think he obviously cares about me...and they basically like the guy. They see my point too though.

[2sunny]

I know. It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of it. When I am with him though he really doesn't treat me like a call girl. He has this horrible rejection oversensitivity that drives me up a wall. You see..the week leading up to this argument I had vacation time. We had no plans to go anywhere, and I really needed to spend some time doing chores at home. I'm not home a lot so the cleaning and maintenance chores needed doing. He felt totally blown off because I spent so much time at home..but really I needed to get things done there. So now he already felt blown off by me....and then when I didn't show up when he thought I would..he thought I was totally disrespecting him. That how could I not want to spend any time with him on my vacation.

 

I almost saw his point a little bit. I probably should have spent some time with him. Just as I was considering these points....he sent that email.

 

I'm not justifying what he did...just that those would be the points he would make if I tried to discuss it.

 

I don't "feel like a call girl" when I'm with him...do you realize what you typed?

 

You were busy! He acted like a little baby who wanted candy and Mommy said no - then he responded by treated Mommy like crap - expecting to make you el so bad that you would give him the candy!

 

You have a life. He wants you available when it's convenient for his needs.

 

He's looking abusive, ungrateful and completely selfish!!!

 

Consider yourself fortunate you didn't marry him!

 

When someone has to "justify bad behavior" - you should KNOW they did something wrong!

[Tiger Lily]

Kindred,

 

Not sure what the future holds for your relationship, but either way have you thought about individual counseling for yourself? Whether you stay with him or you eventually start another relationship, it might be good to get some insight into how you've stayed with someone like him so long, how to spot red flags, and not put up with similar behavior in the future.

[2sunny]

How long ago were you engaged and what was the date to get married?

[2sunny]

I have been with my guy for 8 years. We are engaged but don't live together. About once a year we split up for a few weeks because I find his behavior towards me controlling and disrespectful. He never apologizes, and always blames me which I find somewhat emotionally abusive. IN between arguments we get along pretty well. Conflict resolution skills on his part seem pretty non existent. It is always me smoothing over disagreements. We can go months and months without an argument though...but I really hate it when we have one.

 

We had an argument 2 weeks ago and he became disrespectful. Unlike what I usually do I suggested he owed me an apology. His reply was "If you think I'm going to apologize for a lousy "piece of a@@" then you don't know me very well"

 

I can't even believe that someone would say something like this to their fiancé. My brothers think I should forgive as he didn't mean it. My girl friends feel I am too good for that kind of treatment. I tend to agree with them....and this comment was the lowest of the low that I have heard from him.

 

I returned his ring to him without saying a word and left and haven't spoken to him since.

 

Am I overreacting? I feel somewhat sickened by it.

 

You aren't over reacting - so please stop questioning your gut.

 

A healthy conversation in your situation would look like this:

 

Him: I really miss you and want to take you out to dinner.

You: I've been really busy and have a million things going on. I'm sorry.

Him: I don't feel like you are making time for our relationship.

You: you are right - how about if we get together tomorrow night, ok?

Him: I would love that and I look forward to seeing you.

 

Or at the time when he got angry - an appropriate response would have been to tell you that he feels overlooked and an after thought and would you make time for him, knowing that you're busy. Or to OFFER to come over and HELP you with your tasks so the extra time could be spent together.

 

THAT would have been a response that was kind and loving of him.

[xxoo]

Or to OFFER to come over and HELP you with your tasks so the extra time could be spent together.

 

THAT would have been a response that was kind and loving of him.

 

That seems like the obvious missed opportunity to me. Is there a reason that you didn't spend the vacation together getting stuff done?

 

It sounds like you are still "dating" after all these years, and not fully invested as a couple. Thinking "I" and "you" instead of "we".

As an example, most couples I know with two home simply move into one and rent out the other.

Edited August 30, 2013 by xxoo

[Kindred100]

Yes Tiger I have thought about that. I think I just got comfortable...it didn't happen a lot. In this most recent incident..it has been a year since he acted like this. And this is the worst thing he has ever said by a long shot. I am normally not criticized by him. The baby behavior is what has happened in the past...about once a year...or twice...but not the insults.

 

We had been engaged for a few years without a date set. The housing market hasn't been good and we both own our own homes so we have basically stayed put.