How did this happen ???

[IWS2013]

Hi all,

Here is the situation I am in. I've been dating this lady I met back in January, and in my 40 years, I've never met a woman who blew me out of the water like her! I was married for 8 years, dated someone after my divorce, but I have never met such an intelligent and driver woman, who says certains word I have never heard from a woman before when she is wrong; she says "I'm sorry"!

 

Anyway, last year, she lost her Dad, and it hit her hard. She gets emotional often and tears up, and when she drinks, she gets extremely teary and sad. I can't imagine how that feels. Another thing that happens when she drinks is she becomes very argumentative and belligerent, and somehow, I always get goaded into battle, no matter how hard I try.

 

Getting to the point; this girl has shown me love I have never seen before from any woman, even my ex-wife of all of those years. When she looks in my eyes, I melt. We often said we were soulmates, and I thought it was corny, but it really seemed it, with us calling and thinking the same all the time!

 

Recently, perhaps the past month, I've noticed a shift in her patience with me. I was just laid off, but we knew it was imminent. In her previous relationship that ended a few years back, her Ex did nothing and she worked (she works for a fortune 500 for over 10 years). I am wondering if she ius having flash backs?

 

During the summer, my 6 year old son was with me every other full week (she has no kids, but my son loves her). The weeks he is not with me, I have been unofficially staying with her that week at her place. All was good and that was ending with school coming back and the every other weekends with him starting, but on this last Saturday night with her, she was drinking, got cranky, we fought, and she told me that this full week situation evolved into something it never should have and that she feels overwhelmed,

 

We did not talk the next morning, and I packed up and left. Of course, my car overheated by her place (Fate?), and she came down with water for the radiator. We wound up going up by her, talking and getting intimate and she apologized for what she said. When I got home to pick up my son for the week, she kept sending me these lovey dovey messages and the sayings about relationships people post on Facebook. All was good for a couple of days.

 

However, I was busy with my son and also job searching during the day Monday, and she was upset I couldn't pick up the phone to call, and said she doesn't trust me in her gut and doesn't want a part-time boyfriend who only contacts her when it's convenient for me. Uggh. She does not have kids and does not get it sometimes, so I let it chill overnight. Tuesday was quiet, and then Wednesday, we were texting and I called during the day and invited her to my sons party Saturday. Never got a confirmation, but I let it sit for a few hours.

 

We are late owls, so we spoke around 2am and she said she can't believe I am acting as if nothing is wrong (???). ABout the party, she said she doesn't feel comfortable with the whole family party now (she met my ex before - no drama), and she told me she feels smothered! I always encouraged her to see her friends and go out, take classes with her friends...etc...so I am far from smothering her! I said I don't know what to say after you wait until the last week of summer to tell me about the week by week issue, and yet, you are upset when I don't call you? I jokingly said "OK...I get it...you're not IN love with me", and she said YES she IS in love with me, but something is just not the same recently. I told her I understand, and let's just take a break. She said why can't we work through it, but in my gut, I felt the "be friends" thing not too far off, and I figured it was the right time for action. So, I told her I deserve someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. I don't sense another guy in the picture, but lord knows, since this is crazy,

 

I removed her as a friend in Facebook, sent all her calls to voice mail, muted all texts from her, and then totally removed her photos and contact info from my phone (backed up, but out of site). She called today, but I saw it was her # since I deleted her image and contact name.

 

Was I too drastic? OR....was I one step ahead of her?

 

Do I do 60 days of NC? 30 days (since I might have gotten the jump on hearing worse things from her)?

Note: during the 8 months with her, I did not lose my identity, and kept working out and improving myself, so I don't need NC to get myself back. I am not DISTRAUGHT, but a little blindsided and sad over what happened.

 

 

Any suggestions?

 

 

Regards,

ER

[FennecFox]

Essentially you sabotaged your relationship because you're afraid to fail... or because your ego can't handle being the one who gets dumped.

 

This woman sounds rational and mature. Not like many of the stories I read on here which often come across as very one-sided. She's been through a devastating and traumatic experience (the loss of a parent). I lost a parent when I was younger and it took me YEARS of counselling and therapy to really come to terms with it. I was angry a lot, I lashed out, I didn't understand my feelings.

 

You also say that you love her in a way that you've never loved anyone before but despite this undying, all illuminating love you're willing to put her through an awful lot of pain to keep your superiority in the relationship. She wanted to work things out when you suggested a break, if she truly had any designs on leaving then I think she would have jumped at the opportunities you gave her. You set her up to leave you by saying "oh you're not in love with me" and "let's take a break". You couldn't have made it any easier, but she declined.

 

Then you dropped her.

 

I understand that there is a lot of drama and personal history between you guys and much more to consider in terms of your son and your ex but it seems to me like you're fighting a battle. Love isn't adversarial, you're never one step ahead, you're just being cruel.

[IWS2013]

I had a blocked text which I should NOT have checked, and it said this from her:

 

"Once again, there's no excuse for my actions. I apologize for everything I put you through and for the things I said. I realize that I've pushed you so far away and ended the one thing in my life that actually made me happy and a better person. So from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. There's no need to respond, because I know we're done and there's no reason to prolong the inevitable. Just know that I do love you...but at this point that's probably irrelevant."

 

But the issue is that if she was feeling a bit smothered...two days later, she tells me; "Your the one that creates the distance and disconnect when were not together especially when you have your son. That's on you and there's no excuse for it. So keep blaming me for my "so called" insecurities because I'd rather not have a part-time boyfriend that I can only speak with when its at your convenience".

 

We were doing a small family thing for my son's birthday Saturday, and he really likes her. She indicated Weds night it was just too overwhelming for her.....so I saw a lot of bad signs all of a sudden....which is why I put a halt on communication to make her realize how she is jumping off on something we have together.

[bubbaganoosh]

First of all, she lets the alcohol do her talking then back tracks when it wears off.

 

If you decide to give it another try, my advice is to let her know that and that maybe she should watch the amount she drinks. If she can accept that then you should be alright, if not, be prepared for more.

[IWS2013]

Well said...

She gets insulted easily and does not like to be judged. When she drinks, she becomes very argumentative and belligerent, and somehow, I always get goaded into battle, no matter how hard I try to avoid it. If I tell her it's an issue, BAM....I am judging her!

[Sparkle304]

Hmmm, I think you made the right move. She is completely overwhelmed and frustrated with life right now, and you, unfortunately, are in the direct line of fire. I think you should talk to her or send an email stating that a break is needed just to figure things out. The break is not intended as a time to see other people, rather it's being used to strengthen your relationship. If you keep going down this road of fighting and arguing, nothing good can come from it. This is a new relationship and as such it can only bear so much emotional inconsistencies. Take a week or 10 day break, breathe, think and re-connect with other. I don't think this is unreasonable.

 

Keep posting.......

[IWS2013]

Thanks Sparkle...

 

What do you think of this?:

 

XXXXXXX,

I want to start by saying that I feel terrible that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. I love you and I'm your biggest fan and I want the best for you in everything!

 

I think we both can agree that if we keep going down this road of fighting and arguing, nothing good can come from it. It's true; this is still really a new relationship and it can only bear so much emotional inconsistencies.

 

After everything you've told me recently, I really feel I have things to think about. I'm sure you do, as well, such as some of the things that were said, and your feelings of being overwhelmed around my family on my son's birthday. My son and I are a package deal, and for 10 months out of the year, I only have him every other weekend.

 

I blocked you initially, but I have unblocked you. Please respect that we need a break just to figure things out. The break is not intended as a time to see other people; it's to strengthen our relationship. Take a week or 10 day break, let's breathe, think and we can re-connect with each other and take it slowly from there.

 

As you said perfectly the other day: "This is so stupid. It's a vicious cycle that we keep returning to and I don't know how or what will stop it". Perhaps this is what we needed. It may let us realize if we personally feel that we are better off apart or if we are better off together.

 

 

With my utmost respect,

ER

[IWS2013]

EDIT - THIS is what I sent:

 

XXXXXXX,

I want to start by saying that I do feel terrible about you feeling overwhelmed right now. I love you and you know I'm your biggest fan and I want the best for you in everything !!

 

I think we both can agree that if we keep going down this road of fighting and arguing, nothing good can come from it. This is still really a new relationship and it can only bear so much emotional inconsistencies, but neither of us should have a feeling of being overwhelmed, smothered, etc

 

After all that you've told me recently, I really feel I have things to think about. I'm sure you do, as well, such as some of those things that were said. I blocked you initially, but I have unblocked you. Please respect that we need a break just to figure things out. The break is not intended as a time to see other people; it's to try and strengthen our relationship if we are truly meant to be with each other. You said it perfectly just the other day; "This is so stupid. It's a vicious cycle that we keep returning to and I don't know how or what will stop it". Perhaps this is what we needed. It may let us realize if we feel that we are better off apart or if we are better off together. We both need to think about what we both want and what we both can accept in each other, and where this relationship goes from here.

 

If we can take a few days or a week to step back, breathe, think, and look at the bigger picture, I think we can re-connect with each other and take it slowly from there.

 

 

Love,

ER

[Sparkle304]

Your letter was mature and thoughtful. I think it sends the appropriate message that you're willing to work through this, but for the time being both of you just need time to think.

 

It was also effective that you recognized your role as a parent....yes, you are a package deal. Take it or leave it.

[IWS2013]

Thanks....

The final edit that I pasted took that last part out.

She is super super super sensitive, and she would sense it as pressure, which is NOT the message I want to send.

[Sparkle304]

She may be super sensitive, but you certainly can't be her doormat.

[IWS2013]

When her and I argue, the one who was wrong always apologizes to the other ones...it's a crazy dynamic, but it has worked for us. Her and I even laugh about the fact that what we argue over is such BS and is literally nothing.

However, this time, as she mentioned, she doesn't know what it is. So, some time will allow her to sort through things and figure out if she is overstressed and just projecting it onto me, or, sadly, if it IS me that is stressing her.

Regardless, with the letter in her hands, she knows I am not smothering her and letting her sort it out.

 

Don't you think?

[NXS]

Do you mind if I ask how old she is?

[Sparkle304]

When her and I argue, the one who was wrong always apologizes to the other ones...it's a crazy dynamic, but it has worked for us. Her and I even laugh about the fact that what we argue over is such BS and is literally nothing.

However, this time, as she mentioned, she doesn't know what it is. So, some time will allow her to sort through things and figure out if she is overstressed and just projecting it onto me, or, sadly, if it IS me that is stressing her.

Regardless, with the letter in her hands, she knows I am not smothering her and letting her sort it out.

 

Don't you think?

 

Not smothering, but being a doormat. She needs to take some responsibility for her actions. She's being hurtful and confusing. DO NOT DISCOUNT HOW THIS MAKES YOU FEEL.

[IWS2013]

NXS - She's 39

[NXS]

NXS - She's 39

 

I think this is all about your relationship with your son and it's no coincidence that she started acting this way when you had longer visitations over the summer. The week on/week off thing started getting to her for some reason and there are a few different possibilities here:

 

- She may be jealous of you spending more time with him and giving him your priority (congrats on this and having a good relationship with him)

 

- She may be missing not having children of her own and feel like she has some kind of part-time family with you and him and you being around your son highlights this

 

- She may not like being around children

 

I think you should bring this up and have a conversation with her about it and see what she says.

[IWS2013]

Respectable answer.

 

I can say the following:

 

* She may be jealous of you spending more time with him and giving him your priority - YES!

 

* She may be missing not having children of her own and feel like she has some kind of part-time family with you and him and you being around your son highlights this - YES YES YES!! She get's VERY sensitive about it when I tell her I have a lot on my plate and we have different priorities, she takes it as I am judging her. Her sister has two kids, her nieces. She loves them, but she is envious of her life...

- She may not like being around children - NO. She really does like my son, which I am grateful for. Kids see through people. He hated my Ex, but loves her.

 

I think you should bring this up and have a conversation with her about it and see what she says.

She always says IF we have kids.

I told her I am not opposed to if we do or don't....which is honest.

 

But when you mentioned, "The week on/week off thing started getting to her for some reason"...THAT is the $64,000 question.......!!!

[NXS]

Respectable answer.

 

I can say the following:

 

* She may be jealous of you spending more time with him and giving him your priority - YES!

 

* She may be missing not having children of her own and feel like she has some kind of part-time family with you and him and you being around your son highlights this - YES YES YES!! She get's VERY sensitive about it when I tell her I have a lot on my plate and we have different priorities, she takes it as I am judging her. Her sister has two kids, her nieces. She loves them, but she is envious of her life...

- She may not like being around children - NO. She really does like my son, which I am grateful for. Kids see through people. He hated my Ex, but loves her.

 

I think you should bring this up and have a conversation with her about it and see what she says.

She always says IF we have kids.

I told her I am not opposed to if we do or don't....which is honest.

 

But when you mentioned, "The week on/week off thing started getting to her for some reason"...THAT is the $64,000 question.......!!!

 

Well that clears up a lot of the issues here, she does like kids and mentions having them and so the week on/week off is an emotional roller-coaster for her, so it's not really a $64K question because I don't think you've ever really discussed this with her. It sounds more like she mentions it in an offhand way but you don't really discuss it.

 

So it comes down to whether you want to have this discussion or not? and if so how to approach it in a different way.

[IWS2013]

Nice breakdown....

When we started it during the summer when my son alternates weeks with me, it sort of just came about, however, I would ask her what she had planned for the week. Halfway through the summer, I didn't ask, because, why would it be any different? She always speaks her mind, so she would have said something.

 

OK...bad for me assuming.....but there has to be some level of comfort.

 

Just last Saturday evening when she was sending me lovey mails after the night before bomb she dropped (see my OP), she wrote me; "Regardless of what was said last night, I hope you know that I truly love you with all my heart. Although words may sting sometimes and they cannot be taken back, I think I'd be lost if I didn't have you in my life." and she sent me a Facebook saying, ""Don't look for someone that will solve your problems. Look for someone who won't let you face them alone", and told me that's what we are all about.

 

 

But.....I sent that letter and I have to think about how I feel about finding out this was an issue so late in the summer for her, when she speaks her mind on the spot. And she also has to think. I guess I have to wait?

[NXS]

Nice breakdown....

When we started it during the summer when my son alternates weeks with me, it sort of just came about, however, I would ask her what she had planned for the week. Halfway through the summer, I didn't ask, because, why would it be any different? She always speaks her mind, so she would have said something.

 

OK...bad for me assuming.....but there has to be some level of comfort.

 

I think you're missing the point here, she may speak her mind on certain issues but you're not going out that long and this is a big issue for her. Not the arrangements as such but the emotional effect, she's 39 now and getting near the end of her reproductive years. She made off the cuff remarks about having children, that was her way of approaching the subject, she may speak her mind about certain things but she's not going to come straight out with this. Now I'm not saying she definitely is looking to have a child, it may be just that she has a regret about not having a family and this brought up her regret.

 

Just last Saturday evening when she was sending me lovey mails after the night before bomb she dropped (see my OP), she wrote me; "Regardless of what was said last night, I hope you know that I truly love you with all my heart. Although words may sting sometimes and they cannot be taken back, I think I'd be lost if I didn't have you in my life." and she sent me a Facebook saying, ""Don't look for someone that will solve your problems. Look for someone who won't let you face them alone", and told me that's what we are all about.

 

She told you she wants to talk.

 

But.....I sent that letter and I have to think about how I feel about finding out this was an issue so late in the summer for her, when she speaks her mind on the spot.

 

What do you think about this?

 

And she also has to think. I guess I have to wait?

 

Well I wouldn't leave it too long if you're still interested and emailing is a poor way of communicating, so much can be misinterpreted.

[IWS2013]

Thanks.... so when you say don't wait too long, the letter I sent said a few days to a week. Any less wouldn't be too smart, no?

[NXS]

Thanks.... so when you say don't wait too long, the letter I sent said a few days to a week. Any less wouldn't be too smart, no?

 

No (or is it yes??)... you told her you need time to think so you want to back up what you said and have thought about it.

[IWS2013]

Thanks...I meant when you said you wouldn't wait too long....

so

that isn't too long, you think?

[spiderowl]

I know you are not with her at the moment, but did you get any sense about how much she drank on a daily basis? She might be having the odd drink to drown her sorrows (and it may be her way of dealing with grief and stress), but if she is drinking regularly she could be becoming addicted. An old friend of mine started drinking in the evenings at home to relax. His wife accused him of becoming 'drunk and belligerent' and he of course just argued with her about various things, mostly to do with her behaviour. It was only years later that we all realised he was in the early stages of becoming an alcoholic. He still is, many years later, and has been married several times, none of which lasted once his wives realised he was never coming off the drink.

[IWS2013]

She goes through phases where shes does, then she doesn't.

I try to explain to her that just because I do not like how she acts when she drinks heavily, it does not mean it is a personal attack, unless drinking heavily is considered a personal trait. I also told her I have no issues with drinking, but in moderation.

 

Uggh...I miss her bad and I know she misses me, but nothing will really change unless she has time to think about what she said, and for me to think about whether I am her target for her stress in general.