bloominnora Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 It's actually 6 years since he was my bf but I saw him today and I looked just awful, so awful he may not have even recognised me! I was so embarrassed and it's brought back a shed load of issues. Firstly, I feel I should not let him affect me so much, so I'm cross with myself for letting him get under my skin. It shouldn't matter whether he saw me or not! I was a newly separated mum to two primary school aged kids, and my ex husband had a drink problem (and subsequently took his own life). I started online dating a year after separation and after a few disasters I met him, J. He totally swept me off my feet, I'd never been treated so well in my life. After 1 month, problems started. The first hint was when physically fought with his friend because I was talking to the friend. I jokingly said the next day 'I hope you're not going to do this with every guy I ever talk to'...little did I know! He was controlling, kept an eye on my phone records, didn't like me talking to men even if it was for work reasons. Then he'd say it was only because he was concerned. He blew hot and cold, going from amazing to nasty but it was all for my own good. I wasn't, in his opinion, very intelligent or streetwise and so I needed protecting. I was also under suspicion of being unfaithful to him a lot, and so I was quizzed and had to prove I wasn't, in ways such as sending him a picture message of my work to prove I was at work. (I work with my Dad only). My personality really changed from outgoing to timid like a mouse. Then, fourteen months into our relationship (1st December), he dumped me. He continued to text me and visit me (and have sex with me) but at the beginning of Febuary I told him during a text conversation I'd had a one night stand (I hadn't) knowing he wouldn't want to be anywhere near me again. I was trying to put a stop to his contact. I was ready to stop, but he kept on getting in touch, and turning up at my house. Anyway then he boasted he'd met someone else and that' he'd met her with online dating and started a relationship with her the previous October. He bragged that she was five years younger than me and a lot slimmer than me.... ....which takes me neatly to my weight problem. When we were together I'd only prior to meeting him managed to lose a lot of weight by going to a slimming club. I'd lost 5 stone, which is what I gained over two pregnancies. I binge eat for comfort, and so for me this was a real achievement. I wasn't skinny either but I didn't want to be and I was happy at a certain weight. While I was with him the emotional rollercoaster meant that a small amount of this weight crept on. To his credit, whilst we were together he never once mentioned my weight and in fact we had a very active sex life and he physically at least, fancied me rotten. After our break up he used some jibes about my weight to hurt me and yes that worked. Initially I was so broken hearted I was in physical pain and I lost weight, but then I started piling it on. I attended the doctor two years later begging for some intervention or help with my weight. I was diagnosed with depression and put on Sertraline, which I have since weaned myself off as I felt that the tablets had done the trick and didn't want to be on them too long. And I worked at getting rid of my smoking habit, which I have managed to do successfully but then I piled on even more weight. So at the moment, I've put on all of that 5 stone, and then another 5 stone. Today I was dashing to the shop, having one of those days where I hoped that I wouldn't see anyone I know as I'm wearing ill fitting baggy jeans, a shapeless top and have hair in need of a wash. I felt really unattractive and frumpy. And he's in a car, stopping at a zebra crossing, indicating to me to cross. I recognised him and turned my face away but was I too late? I did not see any spark of recognition from him, but then it happened so quickly! My body shape is totally different from the last time he saw me, and my hair shorter. So I'm hoping that by turning away he didn't know it was me. I know he would be disgusted with me, as I am I suppose. The thing is it would probably give him a right chuckle, a laugh at my expense. I am so embarrassed. I have tried the motivational self talks, getting myself trim to get the ultimate revenge, walking in to a bar looking amazing. I've tried losing my weight for that reason, I've tried losing it for lots of reasons not least my health as I've now developed asthma which is, according to the doc, because of my size. I have had some success with the 5:2 diet recently which is the first thing that's worked in years, but it's slow (and steady hopefully) with some set backs when I binge eat again. I can't figure out why I'm still so hung up on this one person, it's hardly like he's so hung up on me, I doubt he's hardly given me a passing thought over the past few years. Yet me seeing him floors me....and I would love to know why. He doesn't deserve the space in my head he's getting, and all over what, a fourteen month long relationship with a control freak? In the time since we broke up, my ex husband committed suicide, I have brought up two grieving children, who are now teenagers and I grieve for him too as we shared our life even though our marriage didn't make it. I'm aware I'm opening myself up here for a certain amount of 'fat bashing' - seriously if you are going to take that angle don't think I haven't heard it all before. I'm genuinely looking for some insight into why after such a long time, I am still affected by one person who I loved so much that when he left me I literally had a nervous breakdown. I've seen him a very few times since but I have not conversed with him at all. How long does it take to get over someone.
unexpectedlyhere Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Hello! I'm sorry that seeing your ex made you feel like crap. I don't think you should blame yourself for this reaction though. From reading your post it looks like your main issues are your health and how your weight affects your self esteem. I'm afraid I'm not sure how to help there, but keep seeing professionals and keep pursuing your health goals! The fact that you bumped into your ex affects you because you're feeling down about yourself in general and he was probably really judgemental when you were together and that feeling stays. It doesn't mean you're not over him, I bet you really are! You would have been upset if you'd seen anyone you knew. Keep working on yourself and don't worry about him, you're so much better without.
Author bloominnora Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Thank you for your well thought out and considered reply. I feel there are excellent words of wisdom there and today when I went to buy some sugar laden snacks I had the words 'pursuing my health goals' go through my head and I didn't purchase. I would love to meet someone new, but it's been five years since I dated and I feel I need to sort myself out before I start going out and seeking out places where I could potentially meet someone....I suppose I always hoped that I'd just bump into this person. I am turning 40 this year so I hope to have plenty of time to look for a loving stable partner.
dgiirl Posted September 1, 2013 Posted September 1, 2013 How long does it take to get over someone. Your ex sounds like an *******. My exh was too! When he left, He said some unbelievably mean things. It was abuse! It took me years to get over the pain of our split. I don't think you are hung up on your ex. But I think you are still trying to process all the BS he said to you during and after your relationship. If you are like me, you internalize everything because if you can place blame on yourself, then maybe you can fix it. But staying stuck in the anger, keeps you connected to your ex. You get to pretend you're still in the relationship, even if its bad. Sometimes you have to realize that not everything is about you! You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't deserve the cruel treatment. He is an *******! Seriously, what kind of person breaks up with someone and then brags about their next relationship? Is that something you would do? Kick someone when they are down? The sooner you realize he is an ******* and your life is soooooo much better than it was with him, you'll let go!
Author bloominnora Posted September 1, 2013 Author Posted September 1, 2013 Thanks dgiirl, I think I am still hearing those things they said, some of them go round and round in my head. The 'you're lucky to have me, no-one else would have you' The 'so....what makes YOU such a good deal?' ....amongst many others. I've just been reading another thread on here about pushing and pulling, or blowing hot and cold, and about the addictiveness of intense relationships, and how one person manipulates the other as an ego boost etc etc. All very interesting stuff, I'm learning a lot on this forum. Some of the abbreviations are confusing. I've figured out NC is no contact and MM/MW is married man/woman (I'm clicking through the 'new posts' function) but no idea what EA.....can someone fill me in on the most common ones?
Brown-Eyez Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 You're still hung up on this guy after all this time because he hit your core spot of crushing vulnerability..the place you feel most unworthy He's a terrible person for capitalizing on your vulnerability but luckily you are free of him! the same thing has happened to me (though my guy was much kinder & just wasn't interested in putting up with my BS) but I felt (feel) terribly unworthy of being loved, so I'm now working on that in counseling. I think your weight issues will dissolve (pun intended) if you find a competent mental health professional to work through some of your self esteem issues (you will also become more invulnerable to mean spirited people too). hang in there and keep posting, this is a very supportive forum
Hopeful714 Posted September 22, 2013 Posted September 22, 2013 I read and wanted to respond to your thread because you responded to mine so kind and thoughtfully. It appears we seem to be in the same place...which is "stuck" and dealing with esteem issues. I have a few thoughts that may help you a bit if I may so interject... If your weight is an issue for you, you need to get that under control. If you had the where with all to quit smoking, and leave your abusive RS, I know you can do it. I am very fit and trim. It is because I follow a regular exercise program and for the most part eat very healthy. You need to do this if the weight bothers you. The positive...is that you sound like you do not have much weight to lose. You can do this. Join a gym if you can afford, or purchase some exercise videos to begin at home. A popular site here in the US is Collage Video. Look it up. You can view and find something you like that is your fitness level before purchasing something closer to home...possibly through amazon. When you exercise, it will prompt you to eat healthier as well. It is only through diet and exercise you will lose these pounds as well as gain self esteem through your accomplishments with this as well as the eye pleasing rewards from your mirror that you wish to experience. Antidepressants have helped me. If you need to get back on them and you can with few side effects, do so for a while longer. If you can afford counseling, go. Its obvious to me at this point I am still dealing with some issues, so Im planning on going back. I want to be mentally healthy again. Its expensive yes, but at this point I don't care. I need to be done with these lingering pangs of what I went through. I so want to be over him. Do your research on line and through books reading about red flags to look out for while dating so you know them...and thus are able to exit. Some that were helpful to me were as follows, look them up. Life Code A wolf in sheeps clothing Narcissism-surviving the self involved (loved it) Love Fraud It sounds like you have been through much in life. I have too. And its troubling that we sit and still deal with these issues, and ruminate about the awful things that were said to us, as these people just move on with their lives without a care in the world. It is THAT which hurts me so at this point. After an experience like we had, many people grieve, the say "what an idiot" and are done with it and move on. We for some reason, can't do that...or find it more difficult. Therefore THAT problem lies with us to solve. I haven't given up yet. My biggest fear is that I will run into my ex and his new girl and I will be alone. Looking sad and broken. I so do not want that to happen. I want to be happy again, and find love with someone who is true and not a fake. Best wishes to you. Be well!
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