nomadic_butterfly Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Ok. So I quit the online scene a few years back and literally at the end of December I realized I had forgotten one profile so LITERALLY the very second I went to click "delete profile" I noticed a message in my inbox and told myself, if he's cute and has a good profile, I will reply. Long story short we started corresponding and I still deleted my profile as I originally intended. It also turned out the place I was going to move b/c the job market for me was booming, was also the VERY SAME PLACE he was planning to move before he even met me (he was living there before anyway). His ex gf lived in Cali and he would stay with her for 6 months and go back to Europe for 6 months on whatever visa. So his family runs one of the biggest companies in his country (I verified everything already) and he was planning to move to LA permanently on a H1-B visa I think. We had more in common with each other, past, present, and future plans than anyone we had ever met before. Of course, here comes the hiccups. It was very hard for me to fully trust someone whom I haven't met in real life. I just think it is preposterous. He told me how it made him feel so I gave him more of the benefit of the doubt and that got a bit better. Then on his part, it was hard for him to be fully invested emotionally before meeting him as he said what if he met me and I didn't like a whole lot of things about him in person? His behaviors showed he was conflicted when he felt he was getting too close. I also asked him for a time frame of when he'd be in the States from the beginning to not waste our time as to be honest I was never found of long distance at this point in my life. We did the Skype/Viber/Email thing for like 5 months but I just could not handle it. First of all, he is shy and not the most communicative person as 1st of all his ex dictated when he could speak with her when he went back to Europe and because the two of us are just more "in person" kind of people. There were times when he'd be on a ball and we'd talk/skype lots and other times when he attended business trips, volunteered, playing sports, hanging with fam, LIVING REAL LIFE with major time difference so he couldn't talk. I also had engagements sometimes when I had to break our arrangements. When I moved from the East Coast to the West coast it put even more strain causing a whopping 9 hr time difference. Based on what he told me, he seems to be just like me and when we give we give our all and we both struggle to put everything into something when we never met in the first place. It was foreign to both of us. I am used to meeting guys online, NEARBY within a few weeks and he never did an online dating thing period. He was supposed to be in LA by summer time but then he won the visa lottery and that means waiting even longer but at least it would be much better for him. A part of me thinks if what he presented was accurate this could be heavenly once we are in the same place but a part of me doesn't want to put my all without being sure first. Patience is not my strongest virtue and there were times when I should have been more understanding to his schedule. He had said he was thinking to get me a ticket to visit him but I pulled the plug on it before that could manifest. I told him I cannot handle it and Skype/phone was all we had to maintain our connection and I know he's trying his best but my expectations aren't being met. I also didn't want to travel to a whole other continent to a country I have never been and stay with a man I met online. That can be so dangerous. Funny thing is I lived in Europe for two years and when he messaged me I had literally JUST MOVED BACK to the states. We still chit chat here and there and seems he isn't really shopping around as I am sure he realizes it would be the SAME THING all over again if he meets some American online. Its a catch 22 cause at least I know he'd be in American on his own and it wouldn't be for papers (though his family is well-to-do in his country as well so it's not a meal ticket). Am I being unreasonable? I just thought it too risky to put my life on hold for God knows how long until we see each other (could be up to next fall). I am not actively looking for another but I am not fully "sold" on this guy yet as well; not until we meet at least. Sorry for the novel!
FitChick Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Wait until you meet before deciding. Meanwhile, date locally.
ThisGal Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Sorry to say, I think you're wasting your time. I am in a LDR and we live in diff states but I would not have bothered if he was in a different country! It's tough already being in the same country. Let him deal with all this and when or if he ever moves to the States permanently then let him know he can contact you. In the meantime, move on. This is just going to be too complicated, you don't need that headache. I know it seems like everything has been a coincidence...you leaving Europe right before he contacts you, he living there, you going to delete that profile and you see his message, and whatever other similarities but I don't think there's much here. It doesn't help that there isn't a end in sight as to when this long distance will be short distance. Also, he may want a green card (yea, yeah, his family is 'well-off' in Europe but doesn't mean it's his money). Again, don't waste your time. Tell him there is too much on your plate and you can't handle the long distance but you wish him well and to let him contact you if he's ever in your neck of your woods. Otherwise, date locally. Local relationships are already complicated enough, don't give yourself a bigger headache; you also don't want to be emotionally too invested in him, because the more you talk to him the more you will be; keep distance. Good luck! 1
justwhoiam Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 It also turned out the place I was going to move b/c the job market for me was booming, was also the VERY SAME PLACE he was planning to move before he even met me (he was living there before anyway). His ex gf lived in Cali and he would stay with her for 6 months and go back to Europe for 6 months on whatever visa. Maybe I'm just slow... but your story looks rather confusing. Is that place LA? So that's where he wanted to move and where you wanted to work as well. Is that right? So his family runs one of the biggest companies in his country (I verified everything already) and he was planning to move to LA permanently on a H1-B visa I think. How did you verify that? That's interesting. Also, are we talking of a Western European country? Or an Eastern European country? It was very hard for me to fully trust someone whom I haven't met in real life. I just think it is preposterous. He told me how it made him feel so I gave him more of the benefit of the doubt and that got a bit better. Saying that was just enough to turn things in his favor? Wow. Then on his part, it was hard for him to be fully invested emotionally before meeting That makes sense. I also asked him for a time frame of when he'd be in the States from the beginning to not waste our time If he's that wealthy, that his family owns one of the biggest companies in the country, he could fly to the US whenever for whatever reason. 1st of all his ex dictated when he could speak with her when he went back to Europe He surely talks about his ex a lot. Did he just break up? Maybe he's still in love with her? Why would he even talk to his ex once he got back? I mean so regularly that they had to agree times to talk? the two of us are just more "in person" kind of people. That sounds like BS, really. Pardon my French. But 1) just a fool would choose distance over "in person" and 2) if he's shy as you claim he is, in person shyness gets worse, not better. And that's also why he was trying to hook up through a dating website online. other times when he attended business trips A-ha. He attended business trips. What prevented him from having one to the US and take a chance to meet you where you live? with major time difference So, I guess the usual time difference was 5 or 6 hours. What was the major time difference you're talking about? Was he flying to China? Australia? And not flying to the USA to meet you (sorry for sounding repetitive, but you really need to think about this). I also had engagements sometimes when I had to break our arrangements. Like you had to talk to him at night while you had to go out instead? he never did an online dating thing period. I don't know about that. It could be true or not, though hard to believe. He was supposed to be in LA by summer time but then he won the visa lottery and that means waiting even longer I don't get this statement at all. He should be able to enter the country (USA) even if his visa is under administrative processing. if what he presented was accurate this could be heavenly once we are in the same place A majorly wealthy man sharing your interests and your views? he was thinking to get me a ticket to visit him but I pulled the plug on it before that could manifest. I told him I cannot handle it and Skype/phone was all we had to maintain our connection and I know he's trying his best but my expectations aren't being met. You are being intolerant, so what exactly keeps you "tied" to him? The mirage of money? I also didn't want to travel to a whole other continent to a country I have never been and stay with a man I met online. So he's not worth it already? In your mind? You'd just give it a go if he comes to you. Actually I thought this reason was the main one making you pull the plug... but it wasn't. So what was it? it wouldn't be for papers (though his family is well-to-do in his country as well so it's not a meal ticket). You sound really obsessed with money and social status... Am I being unreasonable? No. Very logical and quite cynical. And you don't sound really interested in him to begin with. I just thought it too risky to put my life on hold for God knows how long until we see each other (could be up to next fall). I am not actively looking for another but I am not fully "sold" on this guy yet as well See above.
Author nomadic_butterfly Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Maybe I'm just slow... but your story looks rather confusing. Is that place LA? So that's where he wanted to move and where you wanted to work as well. Is that right? Yea, he had already lived with his ex gf in LA a few years ago. The tourist visa he had permitted him to stay 6 months a year (he was granted a two year visa) and he maxed that out hence it being tough to visit before his new visa is approved. He said last year (before we met) they turned him back once he arrived in America because of the visa situation. If he's that wealthy, that his family owns one of the biggest companies in the country, he could fly to the US whenever for whatever reason. He surely talks about his ex a lot. Did he just break up? Maybe he's still in love with her? Why would he even talk to his ex once he got back? I mean so regularly that they had to agree times to talk? According to him, he hasn't spoken to her in over a year and he was referring to how it worked when he had to go back home to his country. She works for a travel company that has a headquarter in his country but is mainly based in LA. He's not fond of either one of us corresponding with exes as he thinks that gives a false hope. I still talk to my ex and he will be visiting me next week. I have no feelings for him but we remained good friends. Until I am serious with someone I am not cutting anyone off. A-ha. He attended business trips. What prevented him from having one to the US and take a chance to meet you where you live? He's maxed out his 2 yr stay on his previous tourist visa and it's difficult to get another one and now that the green card thing is pending he cannot come here. I looked this up myself to confirm the veracity of this claim. We have a 9 hour time difference. Like you had to talk to him at night while you had to go out instead? Yes, my life and his life does not stop for someone we met online and haven't met in person; that's rather silly. Anyway I spoke to him recently and we will meet in a nearby country later on this year. I am not obsessed with money; I am just not some idiot who is so over zealous for love that she cannot see the forest from the trees. I have seen many a people get duped by people from foreign countries feigning love and I am not going to be anyone's golden ticket to America. I don't care if it sounds mean it is reality. Lots of people have fell victim to scandal so that is why it was important for me to know he wasn't living in impoverished conditions at home and was looking for an American as an "escape." His dad wants to expand the business into America and he loves the US and that's why he wants to move back here permanently. Before living in LA he went to highschool as an exchange student here too. I did a background check on him and his family and so far all that he has said was truthful.
Author nomadic_butterfly Posted September 15, 2013 Author Posted September 15, 2013 Thanks! This is exactly what happened. I'll be very honest and say patience isn't my biggest virtue and I had a lot going on in my life when we first met from moving back from Europe to the East Coast then finding a job on the West coast and trying to get settled. I told him when he is in my neighborhood give me ring and we agreed that if we met other people we would let the other know. I now have an idea of when he will be here based on what we discussed about his case but it's still 8-12 months from now(depending on how fast the cases are processed). We spoke this week and it turns out though he can't come to America for the time being until this green card is sorted, we can meet in a neighboring country in a couple months so we will do that and I am looking forward to it. Sorry to say, I think you're wasting your time. I am in a LDR and we live in diff states but I would not have bothered if he was in a different country! It's tough already being in the same country. Let him deal with all this and when or if he ever moves to the States permanently then let him know he can contact you. In the meantime, move on. This is just going to be too complicated, you don't need that headache. I know it seems like everything has been a coincidence...you leaving Europe right before he contacts you, he living there, you going to delete that profile and you see his message, and whatever other similarities but I don't think there's much here. It doesn't help that there isn't a end in sight as to when this long distance will be short distance. Also, he may want a green card (yea, yeah, his family is 'well-off' in Europe but doesn't mean it's his money). Again, don't waste your time. Tell him there is too much on your plate and you can't handle the long distance but you wish him well and to let him contact you if he's ever in your neck of your woods. Otherwise, date locally. Local relationships are already complicated enough, don't give yourself a bigger headache; you also don't want to be emotionally too invested in him, because the more you talk to him the more you will be; keep distance. Good luck!
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