KentuckyGent Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Where to begin? Met X-AP in October 2010 just as I was starting chemotherapy. Although we were only friends at first we chatted each day for hours on end. Even early on she was showering me with gifts and attention which I appreciated. Fast forward to May 2011. With my treatment over, she invited me to a hotel room she was staying in while visiting family in my town (this is a long distance relationship). The physical affair began and the intensity deepened. I was good with it at first but as I fell harder began wanting more. There was lots of future faking. She had access to my email, phone and social media accts. and she constantly monitored who I was talking to. I dated a very little bit casually but she would demand I see only her (dbl. std. I know). We saw each other 1-2x per month for an overnight or weekend. We fought more and more and her interest seemed to wane (I firmly believe she found another AP). We would see each other but after she went back home it was like I didn't exist. Around January she said the affair part was over but she wanted to be able to "check on" me from time to time. I would hear from her occasionally generally out of the blue. Finally in early June I told her angrily that I couldn't do it anymore and to not contact me again. A month later I slipped up and texted her that my post-chemo check up was coming up. No response until a month later when she calls me at midnight. I asked her how she was managing to call me at that hour what with her husband. I finally got it out of her that she had left (I believe he kicked her out) and had her own place but that it wasn't because of me---e.g. they'd "grown apart", kids were now out of the house, etc. She did ask me if I had been dating anyone but then claimed that she asked that only to "make conversation." We talked casually for about an hour. I have avoided initiating contact with her. Then to today. She called again at midnight though I never heard the phone ring (I go to bed early and get up early). I texted her back this morning and the response was simply that "nights are hard to me and that's when I reach out. I shouldn't have and I am sorry. I just need to give myself time." Of course that's all vague and passive-aggressive type behavior which is a constant with her. I am in IC and know I should just be done with this but I do love her despite the way I was treated (cake eating, future faking etc.) and if there's even a glimmer of hope I don't want to give up on it though it is awful for my mental health. I have probably left out details as I have never posted here. What gives? My head has been spinning for 2 years but I have not been able to just give up hope.
Author KentuckyGent Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I understand that. Guess I am just perplexed about the resumed contact (on her terms of course).
bentleychic Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Why not call and ask her just that? What's up, what do you want? Do you want to resume a relationship with her? If so, ask if that's her intent and set your boundaries from day 1. If not, tell her to stop contacting you and block her from doing so. Good luck in your decisions!
affairaddict Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Hey Well chemo puts you in a fog and you crave comfort it's easy for people to say its normal etc.. When you are not normal. It's a tough time. I've found things very hard ending things whilst all this is goin on...
Author KentuckyGent Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I was in chemo when it started (3 yrs ago). I'm fine now.
Author KentuckyGent Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Why not call and ask her just that? What's up, what do you want? Do you want to resume a relationship with her? If so, ask if that's her intent and set your boundaries from day 1. If not, tell her to stop contacting you and block her from doing so. Good luck in your decisions! I don't want to push that as it will just push her away. Especially since she is just a couple of months post-separation (which I don't even know if that is for good or not).
Author KentuckyGent Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Why not call and ask her just that? What's up, what do you want? Do you want to resume a relationship with her? If so, ask if that's her intent and set your boundaries from day 1. If not, tell her to stop contacting you and block her from doing so. Good luck in your decisions! Yes Bentley I do want to resume. . . very much. I had given up hope when I thought she was staying with H. Her leaving (or being asked to leave) really was a curve ball I didn't see coming. It was tough but I was coming to terms she was never leaving or even tat she really never cared all that much and was just using me. Now I'm wondering what her mindset is.
imfine Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Why? Hello mouse, you appear to have grown extremely fond of the cat. 4
Author KentuckyGent Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 I suppose I'm just looking for insight into what she's thinking and really wanting. Heck I even texted and simply told her I'm available if she wants to talk later tonight and got a terse "I'm fine now, thanks anyway." WTF?
egalew Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Pierre, as usual, is right on with his insight. Having been a victim of this cake eating game, and suffering, I believe in being more direct with these cake eaters. Calling them out. Thus, I would e-mail: "We obviously want different things, and have different definitions of love/friendships. Your behavior and actions feel strange to me, and I don't appreciate it. Please don't contact me again and I will do likewise." THen go total NC. 1
Author KentuckyGent Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 I am a freaking mess! I was managing for the 2 mos. NC (had my moments where I missed her, etc.) then poof! she's back and then gone again, but with the kicker that she is now out of the house. I tried to just be a friend to her and still I get **** on. I know what I need to do but I am somehow still addicted to this ex-MW. That little piece of me that thinks if I'm a good boy and don't rock the boat she'll eventually come back to me. Pathetic!
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