wildBlue Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 My boyfriend (21yrs old) and I (20 years old) have been living together for about 9 months. Before moving in together we dated on and off for a year and a half. (Mostly on- we only broke up once fore a few months, it wasn't a every-other-week breaking up situation.) Less than a week ago we found out his grandfathers' (who lives out of state) health has began to deteriorate and hes been given a year or less to live. My boyfriend has spoken little to me about this relative, to my understanding the grandfather moved from TX to FL after retiring, so while my bf was school age. He grandfather, understandably, wants to spend time with his grandson before he passes. He has offered to pay all fees related to my bf breaking the lease (which I'm not on) as well as to pay off his car and all living expenses for the first six months my bf is in FL. Being vulnerable and in debt, my boyfriend has basically decided to take the offer. My bf says that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me- but says he feels like he has to make this move. He agrees that this is selfish of his grandfather and said he may consider moving back here after the 6 months. To make matters worse, this is all happening in the next two weeks. I'm devastated and cannot afford to keep this apt (not to mention I'm not on the lease). I just lost my job at the beginning of the month and do not have the means to move into another place, nor do I have anywhere to go or put my stuff on such short notice. As if losing my lover/bestfriend isn't devastating enough- I'm getting put out of my home that I've been paying my share of. I feel like I have no say in any of this. I feel like my boyfriend is making this decision for the wrong reasons based on what he has said. I feel like he is going about this situation the wrong way. He should have broken up with me and then done whatever he wanted. Or if he cares about our relationship (like he continues to say he does) then he would plan for us to make this move together, in a reasonable amount of time. I'm so hurt and confused and am not thinking clearly. I'm devastated and would appreciate any feedback or advice. Am I being cold-hearted? Am I being reasonable? Is he? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
clia Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 My bf says that he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me- but says he feels like he has to make this move. He agrees that this is selfish of his grandfather and said he may consider moving back here after the 6 months. Oh, yeah, selfish old grandpa who has less than a year to live wants to spend some time with his grandson. How selfish! I can't believe how selfish that is. Oh, and to make matters worse, grandpa has offered to pay off grandson's car and pay all of grandson's living expenses for six months. What a selfish, selfish man. Are you serious? Sorry, but you are the one who is being selfish. You do understand that grandpa is dying, right? Which means that he isn't going to be around for long? Which means that your boyfriend has a very limited window of time to spend with grandpa? Because from your post, it seems like that hasn't occurred to you. All you are thinking about is yourself. Look, the right thing to do here is to give your boyfriend a big kiss and tell him to go to FL and spend quality time with his grandpa before grandpa dies. Tell your boyfriend to be sure to ask grandpa stories about his youth, how he met grandma, about your boyfriend's mom/dad when they were kids, etc. Those are stories that will get lost when grandpa dies in a year. Plus, it's pretty interesting stuff. Tell your boyfriend to write them all down and/or to record them. He should take a lot of video of grandpa also while he's there. It's unfortunate that you can't support yourself, but your boyfriend is under no obligation to support you, or frankly to even check with you on his life decisions. You aren't engaged, you aren't married. Your boyfriend really doesn't owe you anything, and it sounds to me like grandpa has offered him a pretty good deal. You are both also very, very young. This might be the opportunity your boyfriend needs to get something going with his life, if he's so broke. So, I suppose you are going to have to figure out how to make some money. Are you looking for a new job? Can you move back in with your parents? Do you have any friends you can crash with? Texas to Florida also isn't that far. You can do long distance for awhile with your boyfriend. Check over in the Long Distance forum. There are a lot of people who do it. He should have broken up with me and then done whatever he wanted. How would this be any different? You would still be in the same boat, except then you would also be dumped. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but my jaw hit the floor when I read your post... 3
Jangles524 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) Oh, yeah, selfish old grandpa who has less than a year to live wants to spend some time with his grandson. How selfish! I can't believe how selfish that is. Oh, and to make matters worse, grandpa has offered to pay off grandson's car and pay all of grandson's living expenses for six months. What a selfish, selfish man. Are you serious? Sorry, but you are the one who is being selfish. You do understand that grandpa is dying, right? Which means that he isn't going to be around for long? Which means that your boyfriend has a very limited window of time to spend with grandpa? Because from your post, it seems like that hasn't occurred to you. All you are thinking about is yourself. Look, the right thing to do here is to give your boyfriend a big kiss and tell him to go to FL and spend quality time with his grandpa before grandpa dies. Tell your boyfriend to be sure to ask grandpa stories about his youth, how he met grandma, about your boyfriend's mom/dad when they were kids, etc. Those are stories that will get lost when grandpa dies in a year. Plus, it's pretty interesting stuff. Tell your boyfriend to write them all down and/or to record them. He should take a lot of video of grandpa also while he's there. It's unfortunate that you can't support yourself, but your boyfriend is under no obligation to support you, or frankly to even check with you on his life decisions. You aren't engaged, you aren't married. Your boyfriend really doesn't owe you anything, and it sounds to me like grandpa has offered him a pretty good deal. You are both also very, very young. This might be the opportunity your boyfriend needs to get something going with his life, if he's so broke. So, I suppose you are going to have to figure out how to make some money. Are you looking for a new job? Can you move back in with your parents? Do you have any friends you can crash with? Texas to Florida also isn't that far. You can do long distance for awhile with your boyfriend. Check over in the Long Distance forum. There are a lot of people who do it. How would this be any different? You would still be in the same boat, except then you would also be dumped. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but my jaw hit the floor when I read your post... Wow, yes his grandpa is deteriorating in health, but that in no way shape or form gives him the right to **** all over his girlfriend. If they have an apartment together, then it's a responsibility tethered to a lease, a legally bound contract. So you're telling me he has the right to just break the lease, **** her sideways, leave her with nowhere to live, offer 0 options, and go "LOL SEEYA" and bail on his free ride to florida for a year? Lol, wow, you're about as ****ty of a person as her boyfriend is. I assume you're one of those people who feign love then break up when it becomes inconvenient. I think he should totally go to Florida, but he needs to deal with his RESPONSIBILITIES. welcome to ****in LIFE. People DIE and we still have **** to deal with. Edited August 29, 2013 by Jangles524 2
nescafe1982 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Wow, I feel for your situation OP; what a bummer. These are just some responses I had when reading your post. They are not really a single coherent stream of advice so much as some general ideas, so take from them what you will. First, you two are young. Very young. You probably get that a lot and its obnoxious to hear, but I'm telling you this for a valid reason, I promise. Between now and when you marry, you will run into increasingly heavy situations like this: BF moves for a job or to care for an ailing family member, you have to relocate for school, etc. There's really no "right way" to do a relocation... it sounds like this has been less than ideal for you, but if he's made the decision to move, all that is upon you is the decision of whether or not to keep dating him. The rest (his motivations, the people pressuring him, etc) is beyond your control; the best you can do is raise your objection. If he decides to move anyway, you can't control that... so start thinking about what you want to do with the move. Second, your precarious financial situation poses a problem for your relationship. Just like his money problems might be coloring his mind as he considers whether to move in with this aging relative, so too does your poor financial standing make you dependent on your relationship with your BF. In the future, you should avoid getting into a situation of fiscal dependency on someone you're not married to... it makes it very, very difficult to negotiate situations like the one you're in right now. (Okay, so this point doesn't help you right this second... but I'm saying it's a teachable moment so heed the lesson). Third, always be on the lease. Always. No matter what your living situation. It makes you more secure in the legal sense and ensures that the rent you're paying counts for something (e.g. a share, renter's history, legal residency, etc. These are important!) Now, as for your sitch with the BF, have you talked about what this means for you guys? It doesn't sound like he's given you a clear sense of where you stand, and what his moving means for you two. I think you have every right to know those things. I would also make an appeal for a bit more time to gather your resources and get settled in a new space: it sounds a little like he's just bailing and leaving you holding the bag... not very loving or considerate. If he cares for you he will make more of an effort to make sure you are settled in a new situation before he just up and moves away. But in the future, you need to take more responsibility for yourself (by getting on a lease, not moving into a place you can't afford, etc). Good luck; I've been in your situation before and it ain't fun. 1
SugarLips72 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Grandpa is not selfish shame on you for thinking that. Your boyfriend is on the lease, it is HIS responsibility to pay it. If you actually are not on the lease then technically you do not have to pay. The complex is going to go after your boyfriend. He should talk to them about breaking the lease and you should obviously move out. 1
Balzac Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 If they have an apartment together, then it's a responsibility tethered to a lease, a legally bound contract. . Apparently you missed the fact that he's on the lease, not her. Anybody can break a lease or buy it out.
Keenly Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Wow, yes his grandpa is deteriorating in health, but that in no way shape or form gives him the right to **** all over his girlfriend. If they have an apartment together, then it's a responsibility tethered to a lease, a legally bound contract. So you're telling me he has the right to just break the lease, **** her sideways, leave her with nowhere to live, offer 0 options, and go "LOL SEEYA" and bail on his free ride to florida for a year? Lol, wow, you're about as ****ty of a person as her boyfriend is. I assume you're one of those people who feign love then break up when it becomes inconvenient. I think he should totally go to Florida, but he needs to deal with his RESPONSIBILITIES. welcome to ****in LIFE. People DIE and we still have **** to deal with. She is not on the lease. He can break his own lease if he wants to. This is a once in a life time opportunity.
clia Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'll admit that her reference to the grandfather as selfish for wanting to spend time with his grandson before he died, may have colored my view of her situation. Wow, yes his grandpa is deteriorating in health, but that in no way shape or form gives him the right to **** all over his girlfriend. If they have an apartment together, then it's a responsibility tethered to a lease, a legally bound contract. She isn't on the lease. Therefore, if he wants to break it, he can break it. If she wanted to be part of that decision, she should've gotten on the lease. Also, she doesn't have a job now anyway. How was she planning to pay for the apartment they currently are renting? Or is boyfriend supposed to do that, too? So you're telling me he has the right to just break the lease, **** her sideways, leave her with nowhere to live, offer 0 options, and go "LOL SEEYA" and bail on his free ride to florida for a year? Actually, yeah, he does. As the sole leaseholder, he has every right to break the lease. This is why it isn't all that smart to move in with someone without getting married or being on the lease. I'm also missing why her not having anywhere to live is a problem that HE needs to solve. She's not a child -- she's an able bodied, 20 year old woman. Why are you treating her like a child? Doesn't she have any friends or family? Can't she get a job? Where was she living ten months ago? I'll grant you that this is a tough lesson for her to learn. Might there be some moral obligation on his part to help her out? Sure. If he loves her, he will help her out, to the extent he can. I don't see any indication in the original post that he's refusing to try to help her, but it doesn't sound like he's rolling in the dough either. He may not even be able to help her. So is he obligated to continue living this meager existence with her because she doesn't have any way out of it? Lol, wow, you're about as ****ty of a person as her boyfriend is. Thank you! I assume you're one of those people who feign love then break up when it becomes inconvenient. Actually, no, I've never done that. I'm looking at the big picture for these two. We're talking here about a 21 year old whose grandfather is dying, who from the original post appears to be in a poor financial situation, and who has been given a great opportunity. Are you saying he should give that up? Because I think that would be a mistake. And I also think the odds of this relationship working out in the long term, regardless of where he goes, are pretty low anyway. I think he should totally go to Florida, but he needs to deal with his RESPONSIBILITIES. welcome to ****in LIFE. People DIE and we still have **** to deal with. He is dealing with his responsibilities. I simply disagree with you that financially supporting his 20 year old able bodied girlfriend is one of those responsibilities. 2
Balzac Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'd make the suggestion that unemployed, young, go back to school. Apply for financial aid, get yourself on a more secure path to independence. 5
Keenly Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Is jangles really trying to say that he is obligated to pay the apartments rent while he is in florida?
Balzac Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I feel compelled, due to your age, FAFSA can grant you independent filing status based on risk of homelessness. Thst automatically qualifies you for Stafford Loans $9500. That money for living expenses, Pell Grant and other grants / do yourself a favor. 1
Balzac Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Have you filled a claim for unemployment? Filled out the online application for SNAP? There are proactive things you need to be doing now. Single no kids, no job, no cash to speak of $200/mo of SNAP is a very helpful resource. 1
crederer Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Uh, so he "agrees" that it's selfish, which suggests to me that you feel it's selfish? Wow...just wow. If he loved you enough you guys would be able to work a situation out where you can either find temporary employment and move there with him, or do a LDR for 6 months to a year and figure this out. My ex wanted to move to LA (I live near Toronto). We were together for a little over a year when she made that decision. We made solid plans to figure out how we were going to handle the situation. Her plans fell through for personal reasons but we, together, made a plan as to how we would deal with the situation. It sounds like he is using this as an excuse to dump you "gently".
Jangles524 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Is jangles really trying to say that he is obligated to pay the apartments rent while he is in florida? No I didn't see she wasn't on the lease. Had she been on the lease, then yes, he would have been obligated to pay his half. Sadly, not putting herself as a co-lease kinda screwed her in that regard. Either way, this forum seems to be a pretty big advocate of watching OP crash and burn, which is interesting to see. Usually LS is pretty mellow. To be honest, I would never just screw my girlfriend over that hard. Apparently those are sentiments I do not share with the majority in this thread. 1
nescafe1982 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Agreed with Balzac. This is a hard lesson that you could turn into a good opportunity for yourself. You're 20 with no dependents and nowhere to go but up; take every advantage you can get! 1
Balzac Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 It's entirely within the realm of possibility that BF's family isn't happy w his immediate life plan, or that an inheritance weighs in the balance, in addition to a terminal health disgnosis. It's not unheard of to financially facilitate a young family member returning to family in crisis and redirecting a life plan. 2
Author wildBlue Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 When I said that he agrees this is selfish, I meant that it is selfish that they want him to up and leave everything that he has worked for her. He has not left them, they moved out of state. And I understand that his grandfather wants to spend time with him- I said that in my original post. I understand that his family and his grandfather are his number one priority right now. But does that mean everything else drops to zero priority and he should leave in a matter of days?
Author wildBlue Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 And he is not supporting me. Up until three weeks ago I was working FULL TIME. I have been looking for work since the day I was laid off. I have paid my share of the bills every month I have been here and this month tapped into my savings to pay expenses, not thinking much of it. This is all horrible timing. I didn't make this post because I'm hoping he'll stay or hoping someone will tell me he should. I'm coming to terms with the fact that hes leaving. Now all I can do is ask that he pay his half of the bills for September and within the next month I can gather myself and find stability. This lease is up at the end of October. We've been planning for months to move into another place and have looked at several apartments. I will learn many lessons from this.
Balzac Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Lease terminates Oct? Seems to me the lease was never the problem. Most leases require a damage deposit and first and last up front. If you have savings, you can offer to pay BF your half and remain there until the lease is expired. If that's not agreeable - do a room rental short term. Not sure what you mean by learned because unfortunately people get hit by buses, crimes occur, fires but you never had a legal standing in a residence. The lucky factor for you is that your name wasn't on the lease. Go to school. Become self supporting. 1
heartshaped Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 This may be a deal breaker for me. It's not the fact that he's moving to be closer to his dying grandfather...it's the sudden move with no consideration of your feelings or what you're going to do. 2
Author wildBlue Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 He moved into this apartment and asked me to move in later. I will never again put myself in a situation where I do not have legal rights to stay. This was my first experience living on my own, of course I ****ed up. I understand now. Thank you to everyone who responded, even if some of the responses were not what I wanted to hear. I think this is a horrible situation for my boyfriend, his entire family as well as myself and I hope once the dust is settled we can all find peace. I did not mean to be disrespectful in my original post, like I said I am very frazzled and not thinking clearly. There are a lot of emotions I'm trying to process at this time. Going back to school has always been the plan. I'm lucky that I did not enroll this year, given this is the first week of class and I would not be able to handle another factor working against me. 1
Jangles524 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 This may be a deal breaker for me. It's not the fact that he's moving to be closer to his dying grandfather...it's the sudden move with no consideration of your feelings or what you're going to do. This is what I have been trying to say. My heart goes out to his family. but does that give him the right to just up and leave with 0 thought about what is going to happen to his girlfriend? Apparently to the majority of people here, absolutely. While, legally, nothing can happen to him, that doesn't make it the right thing to do. It doesn't matter how strong their relationship is. If someone is seriously defending her boyfriend in saying that he is doing the right thing by just dropping her like a sack of **** and pretending like she never happened, I have absolutely no clue how you ever managed to hold a relationship for more than 30 seconds. 2
Author wildBlue Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 This is what I have been trying to say. My heart goes out to his family. but does that give him the right to just up and leave with 0 thought about what is going to happen to his girlfriend? Apparently to the majority of people here, absolutely. While, legally, nothing can happen to him, that doesn't make it the right thing to do. Thank you both.
pink_sugar Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 My husband's mother barely made the effort to spend time with her son in her last years when she found out she had cancer. In fact, his stepfather only suggested he come over during her last few weeks of life. By then, she couldn't talk or anything. Even more ridiculous is that they only lived a few miles away. They even expected him to be vigil by her bedside and wait for her to die, regardless of other things going on in our lives. Sad, so it's great your boyfriend has a grandfather who loves him so much to want to spend the last of his life spending time with him. It is short notice, but you both aren't married and his grandfather does have limited time. Think of it as a temporary arrangement or if you don't have too much holding you back where you are (no job etc) try and see if you can move there. If you're meant to be together, you both will make it work.
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