tbf Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 NOT early on. I'm talking in a slow burn scenario, where he's proven himself. In that scenario of delaying in inevitable anxiety, but now they are at least in a place where trust and intimacy are expected.Okay, far more reasonable although people, no matter how emotionally healthy, can be strange. The less you appreciate yourself, the less they appreciate you. Also with Star, she already feels vulnerable when invested. To become even more vulnerable, might be expecting too much of her, particularly at this juncture in her healing. 1
xxoo Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Just the thought is scary. I know it's scary. But I also believe that, with the right partner, it is the way to effectively manage these relationship patterns. Eventually speaking. Baby steps, definitely! No need to bare your soul to someone who hasn't earned that privilege. FWIW, I walk the walk. Whenever something is really bothering me in my relationship, after sleeping on it a few days if I still can't shake it, even if I know that the issue is me, I open up and let my partner help me. He always does. 2
Babolat Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 FWIW, I walk the walk. Whenever something is really bothering me in my relationship, after sleeping on it a few days if I still can't shake it, even if I know that the issue is me, I open up and let my partner help me. He always does. Same here; I try to work thru it on my own, if I can't, I talk. I allow myself to be vulnerable, and yes. it's scary.
Weezy1973 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 A couple of things: I read the article - and essentially it confirms my thoughts that online dating is crappy. If you give yourself time to get attracted to people in your day to day life, you are way more likely to find something meaningful. OP - the problem really is that you (and others like ES) are actually crazily attracted to people that are NOT healthy or good for you. Look at it like this: There is a person that was raised in a fashion where sugary and fatty food were used as a reward. Their brain literally now associates junk with with pleasure. If they did something good - they reward themselves with junk food - if they are having a crappy day - they self-medicate with junk food. Some people will decide to continue eating junk food even though they know it's incredibly unhealthy. Others will decide to eat healthy food, even though they crave junk food like crazy. There is no right or wrong answer. You can't control your emotions (or attraction) but you CAN control your behaviour. If you want a meaningful, long term relationship, it means you CAN'T pursue emotionally unavailable men! Just as we would hope that the person above chooses to eat healthy food despite their cravings, I too hope that you choose the healthy relationship path despite your RAWR! I've been on LS for over a year and I genuinely care for the people that struggle. Please, choose right - choose love. It is far better than the alternative.... 4
Imajerk17 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) SG, this is what I am curious about: You mention that you have needed a high level of attraction to continue. Which means that you can and have felt this chemistry in one meeting, BEFORE you've had a chance to really invest. What did it for you? What I'm getting at is that I suspect that it is something else before a fear of loss..... I know for myself, I feel chemistry when the woman has what I am looking for (consciously and subconsciously). It is the "good" chemistry, on the one hand, when I have "reason" (again both conscious and subconscious) to believe that she could love me back--i.e., she seems into me herself and she has flaws of her own. It is the unsettled chemistry, on the other hand, when I don't have this reason to believe that she could be into me as much--i.e., she doesn't seem to be into me OR she seems too well-put-together. A couple random chemistry generators for me (don't judge) --She joins our social group and I am the *first* person to make a connection with her. Where does THIS come from? Well, I'm the first-born. Maybe this is my subconscious attempt to keep the attention on me this time, instead of as before, having it go to a younger sibling? Someone who is already friends with guys in the social group wouldn't trigger that in me. At any rate, it means that if I were a woman, PUA wouldn't work for me, I wouldn't be swayed by "social proof". --She is into partying. Well, if a girl like THAT is into me, then that means I really have arrived and I finally am cool. Again making up for a socially awkward past... Edited August 31, 2013 by Imajerk17 1
Imajerk17 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 So I reread some of the later posts on this thread and you mention feeling a fear of loss for clowns you haven't invested in. I wonder if it is that these "clowns" set off triggers such as the ones I acknowledged for myself--triggers that don't make much sense on a rational level but that hint at some issues from a long long time ago. Maybe the last guy you were into who wasn't good for you reminds you of the douche from a while back who always got the hottest girl so if you can attract him that must mean.... This is just an example not sure if it holds for you specifically or not. Still thinking of when and at what point during the first meet you generally feel this intense chemistry (or you are aware that you do not feel it) might be a good thing.... 1
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