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Developing attraction for people who are good for you...


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Posted
Unfortunately, some issues cannot be worked out in a vacuum, only within a relationship. One cannot address her fears of abandonment, for example (something that creates the RAWR in me), when not facing a situation where that fear exists.

 

Professional help might do some good and I don't mean that as an insult. I have finally accepted the fact that I need it so there is no shame in it. It's wrong to use people as dating guinea pigs to work out your issues.

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Posted
It's all resonating.

 

Re: the bolded... I will feel RAWR for that reason both with the dude who's bad for me who I haven't invested in, as well as the guy who's good for me who I have invested in.

 

I don't know why I fear loss of guys who are clowns who I haven't invested in, but I often do. :mad:

 

At the risk of stating the obvious, if you have not dug into this with a great therapist, do so.

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Posted
But your slow burn list doesn't include passion and excitement at all.

 

I think we've established that feelings can grow, but can it grow to the level of passion and excitement? Or should it?

 

That's my question??

 

There are plenty here who've said their slow burns developed into quite passionate relationships. I've experienced it a couple times, but the gross majority of my passionate relationships have been the unhealthy RAWR variety.

Posted
It's all resonating.

 

Re: the bolded... I will feel RAWR for that reason both with the dude who's bad for me who I haven't invested in, as well as the guy who's good for me who I have invested in.

 

I don't know why I fear loss of guys who are clowns who I haven't invested in, but I often do. :mad:

I'm going back to formative years. Your mother. What did she teach you about men? We often get our phobias from our parents, whether we're aware of it or not. Parents teach verbally and through actions where children learn verbally and through observation.
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Posted
At the risk of stating the obvious, if you have not dug into this with a great therapist, do so.

 

You're one to talk.

 

I've been in therapy with an amazing therapist off-and-on since 2008.

 

She tells me yes, slow burn is better - at least for me. Anxiety is a tell-tale trigger.

 

But I need evidence, because my experience is all over the map such that it's unreliable.

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Posted
I'm going back to formative years. Your mother. What did she teach you about men? We often get our phobias from our parents, whether we're aware of it or not. Parents teach verbally and through actions where children learn verbally and through observation.

 

Nothing. She taught me nothing about men. In many ways, my mother was a blank canvas, providing no example to follow. My dating life has been a lot of "trial by fire" ;).

 

Dad left when she was pregnant. My male role model was my gay godfather. :laugh:

Posted
That's my question??

 

There are plenty here who've said their slow burns developed into quite passionate relationships. I've experienced it a couple times, but the gross majority of my passionate relationships have been the unhealthy RAWR variety.

 

Ok, I thought you were saying no passion in the slow burn for you (and really, it doesn't matter what happens with other people if it doesn't happen that way for you). But you have had it happen, so that's good.

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Posted
here's a weird thought... I don't trust men who need this non-stop passion all the time or who get all googly eyed over a woman's looks.... even if it is mine.

 

There will always be a woman who is better looking than me.

 

There will always be a woman who does this or that in bed better than me.

 

If that is what drives him, he'll never be faithful. He'll never be there when the **** hits the fan. He's not worthy of a life-time commitment.

 

When I was with my ex, I always felt like I was with the most beautiful girl in the room, no matter where we were. Not even trying to exagerate or anything, I mean I'm sure there were plenty of people that thought there were more attractive girls in the room, but to me she was actually the most beautiful girl in the room.

Posted
You're one to talk.

 

I've been in therapy with an amazing therapist off-and-on since 2008.

 

She tells me yes, slow burn is better - at least for me. Anxiety is a tell-tale trigger.

 

But I need evidence, because my experience is all over the map such that it's unreliable.

 

Geez, I was not being mean...I was just offering advice and trying to help.

 

And I am one to talk, I am seeing a therapist, have been for a few months, have seen many in the past.

 

Time for Babolat to leave the room...good luck to you.

Posted
Nothing. She taught me nothing about men. In many ways, my mother was a blank canvas, providing no example to follow. My dating life has been a lot of "trial by fire" ;).

 

Dad left when she was pregnant. My male role model was my gay godfather. :laugh:

Did she ever talk about your father or warn you about men? Or did she focus on independence with the subtext of, people aren't reliable so don't be dependent?
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Posted
Did she ever talk about your father or warn you about men? Or did she focus on independence with the subtext of, people aren't reliable so don't be dependent?

 

She spoke of him only one time when I was a child, until at 22 I finally flipped out and pressed for more info.

 

As a child, all I knew was, "He left before you were born."

 

She never spoke of men, ever. I know now that she dated, but I never heard or saw them.

 

She led by example in showing me that she wasn't going to depend on anyone but herself to provide for herself, me, and my Grammy. In retrospect, this wasn't just financial, but emotional as well.

 

I grew up with the understanding that the only person I should ever really rely on for anything is myself.

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Posted
Dad left when she was pregnant. My male role model was my gay godfather. :laugh:

 

Back in the room for a quick second...

 

This to me is something to focus on. My ex gfs dad left when she was 5. No male role model other than an alcoholic foster dad who kind of rasied her. Her mom was pretty much absent after age 5 too.

 

My female best friend, who is 45, never married, a trail of failed relationships, her dad died when she was 4 and her mom never dated or remarried.

 

My ex wife, her parents divorced when she was 12, dad was a cheater, alcoholic.

 

I have no memories of my mom growing up, literally. She was there, but I was always with my step-dad for some reason. I have no idea where she was...which might be some of my issues, plus my step-dad emotioanlly and physically abused my mom, is was an alcoholic.

 

And I was not attacking you, simply trying to help.

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Posted

I'm already aware that having a physically absent opposite-sex parent and an emotionally-absent same sex parent has laid the foundation of my abandonment issues and attraction to and fear of losing other emotionally unavailable people. This isn't new. Adults try to repair childhood harms via adult relationships.

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Posted
She spoke of him only one time when I was a child, until at 22 I finally flipped out and pressed for more info.

 

As a child, all I knew was, "He left before you were born."

 

She never spoke of men, ever. I know now that she dated, but I never heard or saw them.

 

She led by example in showing me that she wasn't going to depend on anyone but herself to provide for herself, me, and my Grammy. In retrospect, this wasn't just financial, but emotional as well.

 

I grew up with the understanding that the only person I should ever really rely on for anything is myself.

Yes, this speaks to me loud and clear, as part of your psyche. That's your RAWR trigger. The minute you get the RAWR feeling, you're no longer in full control of your emotions so it gives you anxiety, tripping the rest which can result in negative behaviours, in the attempt to regain control.
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Posted
Yes, this speaks to me loud and clear, as part of your psyche. That's your RAWR trigger. The minute you get the RAWR feeling, you're no longer in full control of your emotions so it gives you anxiety, tripping the rest which can result in negative behaviours, in the attempt to regain control.

 

So you think being in control of my emotions will help avoid this?

 

How do I do that?

Posted
So you think being in control of my emotions will help avoid this?
It's possible that your therapist feels this way, since she's pointing you towards slow burn, not because flashbang is bad but because it's potentially bad for you.

 

I can see why she might advise this but to me, it's a bit of a shortcut since nothing changes when you finally invest, so slow burn turns into flash bang.

 

How do I do that?
Instead of trying to control all emotions, perhaps try to control the negative thoughts that leap without substantial proof.

 

One way to do this is to react only to patterns of negative behaviours from partners. Also know that if the relationship doesn't last forever, you are lovable and you will survive and thrive which you know logically but emotionally, I'm not sure.

 

Be careful about pushing a partner over small things. This might be a form of internal testing, to see how far you can push him and also, as a way to regain or gain control.

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Posted

I'll try to keep that all in mind. :)

 

It's strange. I really like this new guy, and I've been so puzzled why I've been worried about not feeling RAWR, when in reality, I was recognizing a lack of fear and anxiety. I only feel good around him. His little texts make me beam.

 

I can't wait to see him tomorrow! :bunny:

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Posted
It's possible that your therapist feels this way, since she's pointing you towards slow burn, not because flashbang is bad but because it's potentially bad for you.

 

I can see why she might advise this but to me, it's a bit of a shortcut since nothing changes when you finally invest, so slow burn turns into flash bang.

 

This is kind of what I was getting at with the slow burn needing to lead to passion. Star, you've said that it has, at times.

 

When that happened, did it also lead to anxiety?

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Posted
This is kind of what I was getting at with the slow burn needing to lead to passion. Star, you've said that it has, at times.

 

When that happened, did it also lead to anxiety?

 

When it happened, I feared loss, yes.

 

The moment I care (invest), I become a mess. Sometimes he doesn't see it, I just internally go crazy. Other times, my behavior shows it through chasing behavior.

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Posted
When it happened, I feared loss, yes.

 

The moment I care (invest), I become a mess. Sometimes he doesn't see it, I just internally go crazy. Other times, my behavior shows it through chasing behavior.

 

In a slow burn situation, when you have good reason to believe that it is a relationship worthy of your investment, have you shared your anxiety with the guy?

 

In the right relationship, you wouldn't have to chase....because he'd be right there.

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Posted
In a slow burn situation, when you have good reason to believe that it is a relationship worthy of your investment, have you shared your anxiety with the guy?

 

In the right relationship, you wouldn't have to chase....because he'd be right there.

 

No, I never have.

 

I think I've felt that would either turn him off, or give him the playbook on how to eff with me.

Posted
In a slow burn situation, when you have good reason to believe that it is a relationship worthy of your investment, have you shared your anxiety with the guy?
Hell no. Sometimes you have to keep anxieties to yourself. This is too much sharing early on.

 

In the right relationship, you wouldn't have to chase....because he'd be right there.
Agreed.
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Posted
No, I never have.

 

I think I've felt that would either turn him off, or give him the playbook on how to eff with me.

 

This is the vulnerability point--maybe the toughest part of relationships.

 

Eventually, with someone you really feel is worthy (and potentially you feel the most fear), you are going to take down the shield and let him in.

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Posted
Hell no. Sometimes you have to keep anxieties to yourself. This is too much sharing early on.

 

Agreed.

 

NOT early on. I'm talking in a slow burn scenario, where he's proven himself. In that scenario of delaying in inevitable anxiety, but now they are at least in a place where trust and intimacy are expected.

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Posted
This is the vulnerability point--maybe the toughest part of relationships.

 

Eventually, with someone you really feel is worthy (and potentially you feel the most fear), you are going to take down the shield and let him in.

 

Just the thought is scary. :o

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