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Developing attraction for people who are good for you...


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Posted
Can I be blunt, Star?

 

Of course...

 

:::bracing:::

Posted

When you have that RAWR sensation, you fear loss and your behaviour reflects this.

 

When it's a slow burn, you have full control over your emotions and your behaviour in the relationship reflects this until you invest and then, you start to fear loss which then changes the dynamics to the RAWR one.

  • Like 3
Posted

My problem with slow burn is that I equate it to my ex. I never felt much attraction to him and it ranged from neutral to very mild. It was always low passion. I picked him because he seemed perfect for me on paper and because he was clear about wanting to commit from date 1. At that time, I strongly wanted commitment/marriage. That relationship ended up being very bad for me because after I got to know him better, there were all kinds of issues that had nothing to do with low passion. It was a case of commitment over chemistry/connection for me.

 

I am currently involved in the opposite situation, chemistry/connection but no commitment. Interestingly enough, my current mindset is no desire for marriage.

 

So I guess I found what I needed at different points?

 

Back to the thread, I worry that sacrificing on passion can still lead me to a crappy relationship....and while passion can build, it never really equals the super strong attraction I feel immediately...so slow burn = "long term" lower passion for me.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted
When you have that RAWR sensation, you fear loss and your behaviour reflects this.

 

When it's a slow burn, you have full control over your emotions and your behaviour in the relationship reflects this until you invest and then, you start to fear loss which then changes the dynamics to the RAWR one.

 

Yes, that's all true.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
My problem with slow burn is that I equate it to my ex. I never felt much attraction to him and it ranged from neutral to very mild. It was always low passion. I picked him because he seemed perfect for me on paper and because he was clear about wanting to commit from date 1. At that time, I strongly wanted commitment/marriage. That relationship ended up being very bad for me because after I got to know him better, there were all kinds of issues that had nothing to do with low passion. It was a case of commitment over chemistry/connection for me.

 

I think we both made royally huge mistakes in picking our exes, because they've given us a false sense of what "slow burn" really is and how good it can be.

Posted
I can't tell you what I equate what with, I can only tell you what feelings I experience at the same time with respect to RAWR right out the gate, versus the slow burn.

 

RAWR right out the gate:

Passion

Excitement

Intensity

Anxiety

Fear

Obsessiveness

Insecurity

Danger

Foreboding

Not myself

Emotional needs not met

Do things for him to prove my value to him

Giving and not receiving in return

 

Slow burn:

Butterflies that grow over time

Able to totally be myself

Secure

Understood

Comfortable

Wanted

Loved as a whole person

Emotional needs met

Do things for him because I want him to be happy

True partnership

 

Just looking at this, it is obvious that Star B (slow burn) is more attractive as a partner than Star A. Star A could be pushing decent men away.

  • Author
Posted
Just looking at this, it is obvious that Star B (slow burn) is more attractive as a partner than Star A. Star A could be pushing decent men away.

 

For the most part, Star A is Star A when she picks jackarses from the get go. I mean, I look at some of the dudes Star A dated and I'm almost embarrassed for myself.

 

:laugh:

  • Like 1
Posted
Yes, that's all true.
So somehow, there has to be a way to mitigate the potential negative emotions and behaviours that result from fear of loss, a way to anxiety manage.
  • Author
Posted
So somehow, there has to be a way to mitigate the potential negative emotions and behaviours that result from fear of loss, a way to anxiety manage.

 

I'm open to suggestions!

 

Then again, if the RAWR comes from negative emotions, ridding myself of negative emotions will result in a loss of RAWR...?

Posted

The caveat is that the physical attraction was there from the beginning, even though it took me a little while to really desire him.

 

Which is why you gave it a chance, without it then its just a friendship

Posted

Slow burn is okay as long as it comes to a boil. What I would stay away from if I were single would be the woman who admits I do everything right for her but has to force herself to have feelings for me. Some people can only feel that burn with unavailable or downright toxic people and never feel it when somebody is available and treats you well. If that is the case they need to work on those issues instead of trying to make themselves love some poor guy who will eventually get his heart broken.

 

Ruby mentioned a friend of hers and while I don't know them I would say it is only a matter of time before she breaks this guy's heart.

Posted
For the most part, Star A is Star A when she picks jackarses from the get go. I mean, I look at some of the dudes Star A dated and I'm almost embarrassed for myself.

 

:laugh:

 

Do these tend to be guys that sell big dreams early on?

Posted
I'm open to suggestions!

 

Then again, if the RAWR comes from negative emotions, ridding myself of negative emotions will result in a loss of RAWR...?

 

Try to really look at why it only comes from negative emotions. It is not healthy to always be bored by positivity.

  • Author
Posted
Do these tend to be guys that sell big dreams early on?

 

Hmm. Some do, some don't. For those that don't, I sell the dream to myself.

Posted
Slow burn is okay as long as it comes to a boil.

 

I agree with Woggle here. What concerns me with the slow burn/RAWR comparison is if there is a lack of RAWR, ever, in the slow burn category. Practically speaking, I believe you should know within 2 months if that desire is going to be there (which closely aligns with the articles recommended 6-7 dates). If it isn't after 2 months, it probably isn't going to happen. Cut bait before emotional attachment becomes so strong that you end up comfortably married to someone you feel brotherly about :o

Posted
I am currently involved in the opposite situation, chemistry/connection but no commitment. Interestingly enough, my current mindset is no desire for marriage.

 

So I guess I found what I needed at different points?

 

Back to the thread, I worry that sacrificing on passion can still lead me to a crappy relationship....and while passion can build, it never really equals the super strong attraction I feel immediately...so slow burn = "long term" lower passion for me.

 

Kind of where I am too...maybe that's why I Like you! :D

  • Author
Posted
If that is the case they need to work on those issues instead of trying to make themselves love some poor guy who will eventually get his heart broken.

 

Unfortunately, some issues cannot be worked out in a vacuum, only within a relationship. One cannot address her fears of abandonment, for example (something that creates the RAWR in me), when not facing a situation where that fear exists.

Posted
I'm open to suggestions!

 

Then again, if the RAWR comes from negative emotions, ridding myself of negative emotions will result in a loss of RAWR...?

I don't think RAWR equates to anxiety. It's more complex in that RAWR triggers anxiety because of the fear of loss which triggers insecurities.

 

Think about that for a second and if it resonates, it might help you come to your own conclusions of how to handle it.

 

Bear in mind that while you're confident in other aspects of your life, when it comes to love, there's a part of you that's insecure, believing they'll desert because of being unlovable/something you did or aren't. It's also possible that you select men who have a deserter quality about them, in hopes they'll stay with you, proving that you're lovable.

 

I'm throwing uncensored possibilities your way. Whether anything resonates, who knows.

Posted
Hmm. Some do, some don't. For those that don't, I sell the dream to myself.

 

I just wanted to point out that guys who take commitment seriously don't wave it around like bait on early dates. They may say that they are looking for marriage and kids, but saying that they see YOU as wife material on an early date is probably a sign of impulsiveness, if not direct manipulation.

  • Like 2
Posted
I can't tell you what I equate what with, I can only tell you what feelings I experience at the same time with respect to RAWR right out the gate, versus the slow burn.

 

RAWR right out the gate:

Passion

Excitement

Intensity

Anxiety

Fear

Obsessiveness

Insecurity

Danger

Foreboding

Not myself

Emotional needs not met

Do things for him to prove my value to him

Giving and not receiving in return

 

Slow burn:

Butterflies that grow over time

Able to totally be myself

Secure

Understood

Comfortable

Wanted

Loved as a whole person

Emotional needs met

Do things for him because I want him to be happy

True partnership

 

Pretty cool assessment. I have been "RAWR right out the gate:" far too many times and I like the slow burn list!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
I agree with Woggle here. What concerns me with the slow burn/RAWR comparison is if there is a lack of RAWR, ever, in the slow burn category. Practically speaking, I believe you should know within 2 months if that desire is going to be there (which closely aligns with the articles recommended 6-7 dates). If it isn't after 2 months, it probably isn't going to happen. Cut bait before emotional attachment becomes so strong that you end up comfortably married to someone you feel brotherly about :o

 

Throughout this thread, Woggle has talked about passion and intensity and love and said it must be there for a LTR to thrive.

 

Well, duh.

 

But that's not the subject of the OP or the article. I'm talkng about at the very beginning. The title of the thread itself speaks to these feelings GROWING, and thus existing later once the relationship is formed and intimacy established.

 

If the desire never grows, the relationship fails...always.

 

The question is, does it need to be there at the very beginning?

Posted
I don't think RAWR equates to anxiety. It's more complex in that RAWR triggers anxiety because of the fear of loss which triggers insecurities.

 

Think about that for a second and if it resonates, it might help you come to your own conclusions of how to handle it.

 

Bear in mind that while you're confident in other aspects of your life, when it comes to love, there's a part of you that's insecure, believing they'll desert because of being unlovable/something you did or aren't. It's also possible that you select men who have a deserter quality about them, in hopes they'll stay with you, proving that you're lovable.

 

I'm throwing uncensored possibilities your way. Whether anything resonates, who knows.

 

It's resonating with me! Sorry if I am stealing your thread Star.

 

I had a lot of anxiety with my ex gf. Not as much now that we are not dating but hanging out once every couple of weeks.

 

I felt insecure with her in ways I have never felt with a woman. I had trust issues, which I have never felt with a woman before. And though date 1 was not RAWR, dates 2+ were. We did not have sex for over a month, 6+ dates, which was cool, though we came very close.

 

Hmmmmmm.....

Posted
Throughout this thread, Woggle has talked about passion and intensity and love and said it must be there for a LTR to thrive.

 

Well, duh.

 

But that's not the subject of the OP or the article. I'm talkng about at the very beginning. The title of the thread itself speaks to these feelings GROWING, and thus existing later once the relationship is formed and intimacy established.

 

If the desire never grows, the relationship fails...always.

 

The question is, does it need to be there at the very beginning?

 

But your slow burn list doesn't include passion and excitement at all.

 

I think we've established that feelings can grow, but can it grow to the level of passion and excitement? Or should it?

  • Author
Posted
I don't think RAWR equates to anxiety. It's more complex in that RAWR triggers anxiety because of the fear of loss which triggers insecurities.

 

Think about that for a second and if it resonates, it might help you come to your own conclusions of how to handle it.

 

Bear in mind that while you're confident in other aspects of your life, when it comes to love, there's a part of you that's insecure, believing they'll desert because of being unlovable/something you did or aren't. It's also possible that you select men who have a deserter quality about them, in hopes they'll stay with you, proving that you're lovable.

 

I'm throwing uncensored possibilities your way. Whether anything resonates, who knows.

 

It's all resonating.

 

Re: the bolded... I will feel RAWR for that reason both with the dude who's bad for me who I haven't invested in, as well as the guy who's good for me who I have invested in.

 

I don't know why I fear loss of guys who are clowns who I haven't invested in, but I often do. :mad:

Posted
Throughout this thread, Woggle has talked about passion and intensity and love and said it must be there for a LTR to thrive.

 

Well, duh.

 

But that's not the subject of the OP or the article. I'm talkng about at the very beginning. The title of the thread itself speaks to these feelings GROWING, and thus existing later once the relationship is formed and intimacy established.

 

If the desire never grows, the relationship fails...always.

 

The question is, does it need to be there at the very beginning?

 

You are starting to confuse me, as you are answering your own questions in your references to your current dude, saying No in my opinion, it can grow slowly, and I am hearing you state you like this, though you are a little anxious as it's different.

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