Developing attraction for people who are good for you...

[xxoo]

I've lived it. I've had the cute girl who was into me but "something was missing". I've also been painfully attracted to girls who weren't into me. Usually it was that they had a quality that I wish I had but did not. An example was this one girl who loved to party. She was always popular growing up and who was really really cute. I felt really off-balance during our date because I was socially awkward growing up and I guess on some level that still pained me even though I thought I was well past it.

 

Objectively speaking, was there a significant difference in the physical attractiveness of the woman with something "missing" and the woman you were painfully attracted to?

[tbf]

but that when we feel a very powerful immediate attraction, it is usually for someone who is bad for us (because there is something about them that reminds us of someone who hurt us in the past and our subconscious wants to remedy that).

Not always but I do agree that it happens some of the time. With my husband, the attraction was killer from day 1 where we were engaged in less than 7 weeks and married within ten months. He's a wonderful man, where we're very good for each other.

 

On the other hand, post divorce from ex-husband, I got involved with a man who had elements that were reminiscent of the ex-husband. Very flirtatious and always scoping the terrain, loving, soliciting and needing the external validation.

 

I'd argue that you can't assume that a good looking guy will necessarily act on things either... It is the ones who get unreasonable validation from that attention you have to worry about...

You should add that regardless of good-looking or not, people who solicit external sexual validation a lot where it's become a need instead of a fun want here and there, would be the ones to be concerned about.

[Star Gazer]

Now SG, my understanding is that you meet most guys online, where they start out as a 2D profile. What makes you write a guy back from OLD, and when on the date do you really start feeling it for him? You have posted threads about guys but in several cases they didn't become unavailable until well after you posted the thread.

 

No, that's not true that I meet most guys from OLD. It's about half.

 

But for those I do, I'm not talking about how I feel pre-meet or who I write back, that's not the issue, it's how I feel on the meet and after.

 

Typically, whether via OLD or the "normal" way, I either feel RAWR! on the first meet and want to see them again, or I don't feel RAWR! so I assume that's a bad sign and don't.

 

For those I feel the RAWR! upon meeting, THEY ALWAYS end up being bad bad bad for me thereafter. There are never ANY clues when I first see them/meet them. Just like the article said, they can scan a room, find the one person they're intensely attracted to, and that person ends up being bad for them. The article says it's because we're picking up on a sort of set of micro-cues that aren't all that obvious but that our brains are processing.

 

IME, feeling that RAWR! feeling RIGHT AWAY (as in, like, 2 minutes) causes me immediate anxiety. Those "relationships" always eventually crash and burn, whether after a couple dates or after a year of crap.

 

On the other hand, if I meet a guy and think, "Hmm. He's really cute. I like that shirt he's wearing, he's got great style. He is smart, kind and makes me laugh. He's fun... But I don't quite feel compelled to rip his clothes off..." - those guys have turned into second, third, fourth, fifth-twentieth date and on into relationships, and they ended for reasons having nothing to do with the fact that it was a slow burn.

[Babolat]

No, we haven't.

 

And again, what does it mean for you that it's gotta be there from the get go? You gotta feel the RAWR! from the very beginning?

 

If that's what you're suggesting, doesn't it contradict all your past (and current) experience?

 

 

I need some RAWR, and I am not sure how stating that contradicts all of my past and current experiences.

 

I am not dating now, I am doing things with female friends, who ARE attractive, yet I do not feel a RAWR for them. Ex GF, I felt a little RAWR on the first date, a MAJOR RAWR on the 2nd one.

[Babolat]

I'd be curious to see if your H would say the same... that his passion grew for you based on who you were as a person and your life together, despite the fact that your body changed after childbirth, you (maybe) have a few crows feet.... etc.

 

If there is one constant I observe amongst single, divorced men or never married men... and that is... Looks and dick-ability far, far outweigh anything else. Current spouse(s), and GF's not withstanding... I doubt it will last for them.

 

The 'likes' on your post also not withstanding... my guess is they 'like' it because they 'like' your qualities in their women (ie she's faithful and love/passion grow for her over time).... while they don't happen to have this quality themselves.... as men.

 

I hope readers don't forget that I work around all men. I've had plenty of data points over the years to draw from.

 

Funny enough, my father is like this. He can notice a very attractive, even physically gorgeous woman, and it doesn't phase him in the least.

 

When my mom got breast cancer and had to have a radical mastectomy, his love for her did not change in the slightest.

 

I'd recommend that women looking for a life-time companion look for similar qualities.

 

I want to Like this, but geez, given your recent comments about clicking Like....I won't.

[xxoo]

No, that's not true that I meet most guys from OLD. It's about half.

 

But for those I do, I'm not talking about how I feel pre-meet or who I write back, that's not the issue, it's how I feel on the meet and after.

 

Typically, whether via OLD or the "normal" way, I either feel RAWR! on the first meet and want to see them again, or I don't feel RAWR! so I assume that's a bad sign and don't.

 

For those I feel the RAWR! upon meeting, THEY ALWAYS end up being bad bad bad for me thereafter. There are never ANY clues when I first see them/meet them. Just like the article said, they can scan a room, find the one person they're intensely attracted to, and that person ends up being bad for them. The article says it's because we're picking up on a sort of set of micro-cues that aren't all that obvious but that our brains are processing.

 

IME, feeling that RAWR! feeling RIGHT AWAY (as in, like, 2 minutes) causes me immediate anxiety. Those "relationships" always eventually crash and burn, whether after a couple dates or after a year of crap.

 

On the other hand, if I meet a guy and think, "Hmm. He's really cute. I like that shirt he's wearing, he's got great style. He is smart, kind and makes me laugh. He's fun... But I don't quite feel compelled to rip his clothes off..." - those guys have turned into second, third, fourth, fifth-twentieth date and on into relationships, and they ended for reasons having nothing to do with the fact that it was a slow burn.

 

Have you had the "slow burn" manifest into a RAWR! over time? Or did the relationship remain low passion throughout?

[Babolat]

This post and the comments does have me thinking though, about two things.

 

One, this woman I started hanging out with 6+ months ago, we have developed a close friendship. I am attracted to her and I truly care for her. She has recently been talking about getting back into dating, how, who, etc. And I have wondered if we could work, as I have seen "ALL" of her, and I like her. I am afraid to mention this to her, or take that step, as I really really love our friendship and I would hate to lose that. Though spending time with her as a friend, no romance, no physicalness has really allowed me to get to know her as a person.

 

Two, my ex gf, who I have been hanging out with recently. The sex is incredible, has been since the first time, I enjoy her company, yet it did start off intense with date 2, a part of our connection feels physical, though I do really care for her. I feel a desire to take care of her. I am just not sure we are compatible or, in those areas where we are not, can I accept her for who she is and be OK with it. She has made changes since we broke up, yet she at her core is who she is. .Had I met her as a friend, seen her sides I do not like, my guess is we never would have dated. I don't know though.

[Star Gazer]

Have you had the "slow burn" manifest into a RAWR! over time? Or did the relationship remain low passion throughout?

 

Yes, I have.

 

One guy, on our first date, I actually remember thinking, "Is he ugly? I can't tell." But there was an intellectual and emotional spark, and I could tell he was into me, so I accepted a second date. And on the third, he finally kissed me and it was off the charts for the next few months until we stopped seeing each other. I couldn't keep my hands off him! But it definitely didn't start off with RAWR! Not by a long shot.

 

For the longest time, I equated "slow burn" to Skiman...which was an unfulfilling relationship, low on passion. BUT that R was that way for reasons that had nothing to do with the existence (or not) of initial RAWR! With him, the RAWR grew pretty strong in the first several months, and then went downhill as other unattractive relationship qualities came to life.

[Ruby Slippers]

One of my good friends has self-professed "commitment issues" and a history of choosing unavailable guys.

 

She's now engaged to a guy she pushed herself to "develop attraction" for. She recently told me that she loves him, he's crazy about her and would do anything to make her happy - but he feels like a brother to her

 

I myself am trying to figure out if I've been blinded by wild attraction in my current relationship. I find my boyfriend WILDLY HOT, and have since the first moment. I've always thought that I'm fairly immune to the sway of good looks. But have I put up with more than I normally would because of the raw attraction? Consciously, I have not - but maybe subconsciously.

[xxoo]

Yes, I have.

 

One guy, on our first date, I actually remember thinking, "Is he ugly? I can't tell." But there was an intellectual and emotional spark, and I could tell he was into me, so I accepted a second date. And on the third, he finally kissed me and it was off the charts for the next few months until we stopped seeing each other. I couldn't keep my hands off him! But it definitely didn't start off with RAWR! Not by a long shot..

 

Would you characterize this guy as bad for you?

 

Or is this an example of feeling strong desire for someone good for you?

[thefooloftheyear]

I think the older we get the less important the "RAWR" factor is...Attractiion is important, but the scars from pevious mistakes hardens us to a poiint where compromise in some of these areas trumps "the absolute perfect scenario"

 

If you can get it all, great!!

 

TFY

[thatone]

Curious to hear from those in happy LTRs/marriages, how their attraction started off and grew.

 

On the phone. Seriously.

 

We knew each other in the past, so there was initial familiarity and less inhibition, due to that.

 

But we first contacted on facebook and spent hours on the phone before meeting, talking about all sorts of things.

 

I don't think there is necessarily a magic bullet, spending a lot of time on the phone before meeting could very well end badly.

 

But in our case it removed the "getting to know you" phase before we met up and womed to the advantage of both of us.

 

That was a year and a half ago, still doing fine today.

[tbf]

That was a year and a half ago, still doing fine today.

Is fine all there is?

[Star Gazer]

Would you characterize this guy as bad for you?

 

Or is this an example of feeling strong desire for someone good for you?

 

Hard to say, in hindsight.

 

During? Good for me. The R was exactly what I was looking for, or so I thought.

 

At the end, when he told me he wasn't ready to be exclusive yet, despite having essentially told me several times that we already were (because he's doesn't multi-date)? Bad for me.

[iris219]

I don't feel super hot for any man until an emotional connection has been forged.

 

I found by bf physically attractive when we first started hanging out, but I was pretty neutral about him overall for the first couple of dates. I thought he was nice, smart, and attractive, but I wasn't sure we had enough in common to bond on an emotional level. I thought we were too different in terms of lifestyle. I considered not going out with him again.

 

But I did go out with him again and we did emotionally connect. I don't know how it happened, but by the 4th date I couldn't stop thinking about him and by the 5th date I wanted to rip his clothes off in a way I've never felt before. I was probably starting to fall in love at this point.

 

The caveat is that the physical attraction was there from the beginning, even though it took me a little while to really desire him.

[Babolat]

I myself am trying to figure out if I've been blinded by wild attraction in my current relationship. I find my boyfriend WILDLY HOT, and have since the first moment. I've always thought that I'm fairly immune to the sway of good looks. But have I put up with more than I normally would because of the raw attraction? Consciously, I have not - but maybe subconsciously.

 

You and I have talked over PM; and I get this feeling from you, much like my situation with my ex gf. Are you compromising too much for the sake of what looks like a great thing....

[Star Gazer]

The caveat is that the physical attraction was there from the beginning, even though it took me a little while to really desire him.

 

I think this is where I get hung up when people talk about this, because I equate "physical attraction" to "desire." I don't understand how you can have one without the other.

 

With the current dude, I find him physically attractive, and the desire is building. I was more than neutral after our first date; I did want to see him again.

 

This is different than what I *typically* experience/go for, which is super strong desire right out the gate. Notably, when I feel that super strong desire, if I take a step back and evaluate the guy as a potential relationship partner, either we're clearly incompatible in certain ways, or I know nothing about him to allow me to even take a guess about compatibility - it's all just vapid flirtation.

 

With the slow burns, I always think, "This guy is a wonderful human being" and find that we have tons in common and are very compatible.

 

I also tend to equate anxiety with passion...

[xxoo]

I think this is where I get hung up when people talk about this, because I equate "physical attraction" to "desire." I don't understand how you can have one without the other.

 

With the current dude, I find him physically attractive, and the desire is building. I was more than neutral after our first date; I did want to see him again.

 

But his appearance isn't changing, yet your desire is.

[xxoo]

I also tend to equate anxiety with passion...

 

Is this because you associate passion with disappointment?

 

Or because there is a trait in men that makes you both anxious and highly attracted?

[Star Gazer]

But his appearance isn't changing, yet your desire is.

 

Well, right.

 

But appearance has never been the big draw for me. There's been a big focus on "looks" in this thread, but different people are ravenously attracted by different things.

 

I've been out with objectively super attractive guys and felt nothing as well.

[xxoo]

Well, right.

 

But appearance has never been the big draw for me. There's been a big focus on "looks" in this thread, but different people are ravenously attracted by different things.

 

I've been out with objectively super attractive guys and felt nothing as well.

 

I'm the same.

 

I get confused when people talk about "physical attraction"...are they talking about appearance? Most seem to assume yes. Thanks for clarifying

[Babolat]

I also tend to equate anxiety with passion...

 

Hmmmm, can you elaborate on this? My definition of anxiety does not equate to passion. Just curious.

[Star Gazer]

Is this because you associate passion with disappointment?

 

Or because there is a trait in men that makes you both anxious and highly attracted?

 

I can't tell you what I equate what with, I can only tell you what feelings I experience at the same time with respect to RAWR right out the gate, versus the slow burn.

 

RAWR right out the gate:

Passion

Excitement

Intensity

Anxiety

Fear

Obsessiveness

Insecurity

Danger

Foreboding

Not myself

Emotional needs not met

Do things for him to prove my value to him

Giving and not receiving in return

 

Slow burn:

Butterflies that grow over time

Able to totally be myself

Secure

Understood

Comfortable

Wanted

Loved as a whole person

Emotional needs met

Do things for him because I want him to be happy

True partnership

[tbf]

Can I be blunt, Star?

[Star Gazer]

I'm the same.

 

I get confused when people talk about "physical attraction"...are they talking about appearance? Most seem to assume yes. Thanks for clarifying

 

Yeah, when I talk about physical attraction, I talk about that intangible feeling in your loins that physically draws you to them and makes you want to bump uglies.

 

I also think there's a difference between finding someone physically attractive and being physically attracted to them. It's like the hot guy you feel nothing for: you find him physically attractive, but are not physically attracted to him.