Babolat Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 No, I just value different things. I value men who are not phased or impressed by looks... I value men who can see beneath the façade and the exterior. In more ways than one. the ones who are drawn to the shiny, glittery things are like little children to me. I think all of us value this. Attraction is attraction though, physical, emotional, personaility, character. I think the article is suggesting if you don't have that initial "Holy **** she is HAWT!" attraction, and you need that, you may be single for a while. You might want to consider a person you don't get that feeling for initially, yet there is an attraction of sorts. Passion? Heck yeah, I need to feel passion for and from my partner. And not just physical passion. But yeah, physical passion is important to me. If I meet the woman of my dreams and the sex is well, bad, and not improving, I am probably going to end it. I spent 14 years with my ex not having this passion. No way will I do this again. I value attraction AND many other things. Back to my "entire package" in a lot of my comments on here. And I can't even remember how many times, after a relationship ended, someone would tell me "you could have done much better attraction wise"; yet she was attractive to ME. I don't care if she is attractive to others.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Not to get too personal, but... Have you had sex yet? The article mentioned that, waiting 6-7 dates, then maybe you will get your RAWR! I dunno..I am all about changing my approach to find a better mate (like that word ES!), but like KungFu said, it's got to be there for me from the get go. No, we haven't. And again, what does it mean for you that it's gotta be there from the get go? You gotta feel the RAWR! from the very beginning? If that's what you're suggesting, doesn't it contradict all your past (and current) experience?
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I tried to date a woman who would be good for me ... tried that slow burn thing y'all keep mentioning ... tried to overlook obvious physical deficiencies (healthy as opposed to fit, short hair as opposed to long). She was funny, we usually had a good time but the sexual attraction wasn't there for me. Talk about an awkward break up ... I'm breaking up with you because you're not hot enough even though I tried to like you, I just can't and don't see a future together. Thanks for the so-so sex and best of luck. Did you read the article in the OP? It specifically says you have to start with someone you find attractive in the first place, but that it doesn't need to be INTENSE. That that intensity can grow as you get to know the person. If you don't find them attractive to begin with, you'll never reach that RAWR! feeling.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I don't think that burning passion is necessarily about looks. I do need my man to have passion for me. I don't need him to think I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. I just need him to clearly want to be with me, regardless of whoever else is in the room. And I don't believe that passion needs to burn out. It's a renewable resource. After we had our kids, I discovered a new source of passion for him watching him interact with them. Sigh. Only a couple of you seem to be understanding the article or my question. Yes, you must have this in your R for it to survive long-term. But at the very beginning? Must it be there HOT HOT HOT from the very beginning? And are you ABLE to develop stronger and stronger attraction for someone? Or is it hot and just stays hot. 1
runningfar Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I don't need burning passion to start. I'm not sure I even really know what you're talking about. My relationships start off as friends and the passion and love just gets stronger the more I know him. I don't really see someone and want to rip off his clothes except for when I'm falling in love. I don't think everyone can build attraction but it works no other way for me, so it's hard to identify.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 This is how it went for me. I don't recall feeling particularly RAWR about my current boyfriend during our first two dates. He was my type and I was attracted to him and thought he was cute and all that and we had a great time together, but I wasn't dying to tear his clothes off or anything. But then on our third date, I got really, really nervous and realized how much I liked him, and that's when all the butterflies really started for me, and that passion really kicked in and the steamier sessions started. It steadily built up, and then we had sex on date 6 or 7 (can't remember) and have gone from there. So, Babolat might have a point... This is helpful and gives me hope (along with DrSeussgrrl's similar story.)
thefooloftheyear Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Sigh. Only a couple of you seem to be understanding the article or my question. Yes, you must have this in your R for it to survive long-term. But at the very beginning? Must it be there HOT HOT HOT from the very beginning? And are you ABLE to develop stronger and stronger attraction for someone? Or is it hot and just stays hot. My question for you is if you have had REALLY hot, are you going to be OK with ...eh....?? TFY
xxoo Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Sigh. Only a couple of you seem to be understanding the article or my question. Yes, you must have this in your R for it to survive long-term. But at the very beginning? Must it be there HOT HOT HOT from the very beginning? And are you ABLE to develop stronger and stronger attraction for someone? Or is it hot and just stays hot. I did read, and answer that question. Maybe an important point, while the strong attraction wasn't there from the very beginning of meeting, it was there from the beginning of dating. We didn't start dating until the attraction was sparked. Dating people as a means of getting to know them makes it tougher. But it sounds like it does happen! The trick may be knowing when to cut bait if it's not happening, and maybe what is "enough" attraction.
todreaminblue Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 that article was pretty spot on,I dont like it when i feel attracted to someone early on, scares me....... i dont know them well enough so why would i be attracted to them .....its confusing..... I have found i am much more comfortable when i date someone who has the traits i love.......but i dont have butterflies over......who doesnt make me feel emotive.....vibing off them i actually think i am petrified...and i truly do mean that word ...petrified of really getting close to someone so i do everything i can to turn off.....yep thats it......lol...my heart just said yep.. much better to date someone you dont have feelings of attraction for ....and grow them...... so now, i just have to date someone who i feel safe with and am not attracted to...cool...i totally agree.....much better............thanks for posting...smilin.....deb
Treasa Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You can be attracted to someone and feel love and passion without being all RAWR over someone. I honestly think that a lot of marriages end in divorce simply because people are living longer and/or getting bored faster and thinking that "the one" is still out there, and that THAT person won't ever get boring or stop being sexilicious. I don't care what anyone says, but a long, happy life together isn't like the constant sex Edward and Bella have in Breaking Dawn 2 in which nothing interferes because their daughter just magically grows up in a few months, and they don't have to stress over a screaming baby, finances, real-life ****, etc. Anyone who pretends that life is all this passionate bliss for years and years is lying or delusional. Or doesn't live real life. ....Um, I also did not implicitly say that I've seen Breaking Dawn 2. I just... Uh... *flashbang* 6
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I don't think that burning passion is necessarily about looks. I do need my man to have passion for me. I don't need him to think I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. I just need him to clearly want to be with me, regardless of whoever else is in the room. And I don't believe that passion needs to burn out. It's a renewable resource. After we had our kids, I discovered a new source of passion for him watching him interact with them. I'd be curious to see if your H would say the same... that his passion grew for you based on who you were as a person and your life together, despite the fact that your body changed after childbirth, you (maybe) have a few crows feet.... etc. If there is one constant I observe amongst single, divorced men or never married men... and that is... Looks and dick-ability far, far outweigh anything else. Current spouse(s), and GF's not withstanding... I doubt it will last for them. The 'likes' on your post also not withstanding... my guess is they 'like' it because they 'like' your qualities in their women (ie she's faithful and love/passion grow for her over time).... while they don't happen to have this quality themselves.... as men. I hope readers don't forget that I work around all men. I've had plenty of data points over the years to draw from. Funny enough, my father is like this. He can notice a very attractive, even physically gorgeous woman, and it doesn't phase him in the least. When my mom got breast cancer and had to have a radical mastectomy, his love for her did not change in the slightest. I'd recommend that women looking for a life-time companion look for similar qualities. 5
thefooloftheyear Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You can be attracted to someone and feel love and passion without being all RAWR over someone. I honestly think that a lot of marriages end in divorce simply because people are living longer and/or getting bored faster and thinking that "the one" is still out there, and that THAT person won't ever get boring or stop being sexilicious. I don't care what anyone says, but a long, happy life together isn't like the constant sex Edward and Bella have in Breaking Dawn 2 in which nothing interferes because their daughter just magically grows up in a few months, and they don't have to stress over a screaming baby, finances, real-life ****, etc. Anyone who pretends that life is all this passionate bliss for years and years is lying or delusional. Or doesn't live real life. ....Um, I also did not implicitly say that I've seen Breaking Dawn 2. I just... Uh... *flashbang* Very well said...Couldnt agree any more.. Ive often found it ironic that while its conventional thinking for many that men are all p**sy hounds and want sex 24/7, its the women who often complain the most about the lost passion/sex... Too many romance novels/50 shades?? I dont know...*shrug* TFY 2
tbf Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I think anything's possible since people invest at different times. But neither flash bang or slow burn is the right or wrong way. All you can do is to try it and see what happens, recalling what happened with skiman. The question might be, what behaviours do the guys exhibit, that cause flash bang or slow build within you. In other words, what triggers attraction within you and to what extent does anxiety play a role in it? 4
xxoo Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'd be curious to see if your H would say the same... that his passion grew for you based on who you were as a person and your life together, despite the fact that your body changed after childbirth, you (maybe) have a few crows feet.... etc. If there is one constant I observe amongst single, divorced men or never married men... and that is... Looks and dick-ability far, far outweigh anything else. Current spouse(s), and GF's not withstanding... I doubt it will last for them. The 'likes' on your post also not withstanding... my guess is they 'like' it because they 'like' your qualities in their women (ie she's faithful and love/passion grow for her over time).... while they don't happen to have this quality themselves.... as men. I hope readers don't forget that I work around all men. I've had plenty of data points over the years to draw from. Funny enough, my father is like this. He can notice a very attractive, even physically gorgeous woman, and it doesn't phase him in the least. When my mom got breast cancer and had to have a radical mastectomy, his love for her did not change in the slightest. I'd recommend that women looking for a life-time companion look for similar qualities. Yes, my husband's attraction for me has deepened as we've grown together. My mother had a mastectomy, too, when I was 13. My father loved her through it, too. I picked a man like my dad. 4
StanMusial Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You can be attracted to someone and feel love and passion without being all RAWR over someone. I honestly think that a lot of marriages end in divorce simply because people are living longer and/or getting bored faster and thinking that "the one" is still out there, and that THAT person won't ever get boring or stop being sexilicious. I don't care what anyone says, but a long, happy life together isn't like the constant sex Edward and Bella have in Breaking Dawn 2 in which nothing interferes because their daughter just magically grows up in a few months, and they don't have to stress over a screaming baby, finances, real-life ****, etc. Anyone who pretends that life is all this passionate bliss for years and years is lying or delusional. Or doesn't live real life. ....Um, I also did not implicitly say that I've seen Breaking Dawn 2. I just... Uh... *flashbang* Or that show Friends when that girl had her baby and then it is never spoken of again nor shown on the show. LOL. 1
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Sigh. Only a couple of you seem to be understanding the article or my question. Yes, you must have this in your R for it to survive long-term. But at the very beginning? Must it be there HOT HOT HOT from the very beginning? And are you ABLE to develop stronger and stronger attraction for someone? Or is it hot and just stays hot. ... I understand your question. I'm answering from the point of view of very long running marriages I've witnessed and men I know who have been in them... since I know you are looking for a good man. No. I don't trust strong attraction from the beginning... AND... even if I did have strong physical attraction to them, I don't act on it while I get to know them. I ditch men who try to get me to act on it before I get to know them. The most stable, caring relationships... and ultimately, the most passionate... I've been in were not with men I felt an immediate attraction to. I'm not married to them because other incompatibilities arose.... however, I can say these experiences were life-enriching not damaging. I'm still friends and/or work with two of them. Unlike the close calls with the early RAWR types.... no thanks. 2
Treasa Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Unlike the close calls with the early RAWR types.... no thanks. The more RAWR I've felt early on is usually linked to the amount of ass-kickage I want to lay out some time later for the same man. There are two exes in particular who better not ever come anywhere near me again, and I nearly ripped their clothes to shreds when we were together. 2
Revolver Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Hmm... Interesting. I've read similar things about dating coaches/advice columns now telling women just because you don't want to rip his clothes off on the first date or he makes a mistake don't drop him instantly 1
Treasa Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'm going to put this as plainly as I know how: I friendzoned the most amazing man in the world for 10 years, someone whom EVERYONE loves, because I was an idiot and was looking for the wrong things, and I'm damn lucky he waited for me, because I didn't deserve it. 4
Mrlonelyone Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Sigh. Only a couple of you seem to be understanding the article or my question. Yes, you must have this in your R for it to survive long-term. But at the very beginning? Must it be there HOT HOT HOT from the very beginning? And are you ABLE to develop stronger and stronger attraction for someone? Or is it hot and just stays hot. YES AND NO. NO: In my experience there will be times when I get to know someone and only realize after a time that I like them in a hot passionate way. I just have to see them in a certain light. Yes: Even when I do get to know someone slowly and over time once I get the hots for them it is HOT HOT HOT. Then of course there are the times one is thunderstruck and its hot from the start.
Woggle Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I would rather people be honest with themselves instead of hurting good people. If you don't have that instant attraction say next instead of leading a good person on. I could tell my wife had that instant attraction for me when we first met and if not I would have never gone any further with her. It grew into much more but that foundation of attraction was there from the start and is still there. There are just more floors built on top of it. I would never ever want to be with a woman who had to grow to love me because I was good for her. It is the worst possible position for a man to be in if you ask me.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 If you don't have that instant attraction say next instead of leading a good person on. What level of "instant attraction"? Did you read the article? It suggests that intense attraction at the start isn't healthy, and that mid-range attraction that grows deeper is better. What are your thoughts on that? I would never ever want to be with a woman who had to grow to love me because I was good for her. Do you prefer love at first sight?
Woggle Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 What level of "instant attraction"? Did you read the article? It suggests that intense attraction at the start isn't healthy, and that mid-range attraction that grows deeper is better. What are your thoughts on that? Do you prefer love at first sight? Healthy or not it is what determines if a man gets his heart broken or not. If there is not at least above mid range attraction at first most will always always deep down feel like they settled. Maybe not love but at least a high level of lust. Anything less and it is usually doomed. Being with a woman who wonders if she is settling for me is my personal idea of hell. It's slow torture for a man.
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 If there is not at least above mid range attraction at first most will always always deep down feel like they settled. .... there are a number of women here who are in healthy relationships where 'above mid-range attraction' wasn't there immediately, yet feel they haven't settled at all... Just the opposite. They feel very blessed.... How do you explain that?? 2
Woggle Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 .... there are a number of women here who are in healthy relationships where 'above mid-range attraction' wasn't there immediately, yet feel they haven't settled at all... Just the opposite. They feel very blessed.... How do you explain that?? It was there and they probably didn't know it. Also some people mistake drama and uncertainty for passion which are not the same thing. If a woman has to push herself to feel something for a man just because he is good for her I don't envy that man one bit.
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