Babolat Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I saw my now boyfriend, immediately was drawn to him. It wasn't physical, as I already had a super hot boyfriend.. So you met your current bf, felt an immediate draw to him of some kind, while in a relationship with a hot boyfriend?
ThaWholigan Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 So you met your current bf, felt an immediate draw to him of some kind, while in a relationship with a hot boyfriend? I think she meant that she had already been with a hot boyfriend previously.
ThaWholigan Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 For me, physical attraction often results from chemistry plus one more intangible "piece" that switches on sexual attraction. I've had such burning crushes on professors that were not physically attractive, outside of brilliance, charm, and maybe warm eyes. I think physical attraction is very important, but not for everyone basically.
Babolat Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I saw my now boyfriend, immediately was drawn to him. From the get go, I felt, and still do feel, a draw to my ex gf. She tells me the same all the time. I do not know what this "draw" means (sex, friendship, LTR, marriage, etc) at all as I have never felt it with anyone before. I think we could go years and not see each other, see each other, and that draw would just be there.
StanMusial Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'm not that picky so I've always been attracted to my exes and current gf. It takes time to figure out if someone is "good for me" though. The "dealbreaker(s)" tend to expose themselves in dribs and drabs. Although from time to time they exploded right in front of me like a mortar shell landing on my arse. I guess what I'm trying to say is that developing attraction is not an issue compared to dealing with the consequences of an initial attraction LOL. I think the "developing attraction" thing probably applies more to women than the horny young bucks or salty ol dawgs like me. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Star, I think you should try the "slow burn". That's what I want to do too. We are both intensely attracted to men that are bad for us. Our brains are playing tricks on us if you will, and the only way to break that pattern is to do something different. 5
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 From the get go, I felt, and still do feel, a draw to my ex gf. She tells me the same all the time. I do not know what this "draw" means (sex, friendship, LTR, marriage, etc) at all as I have never felt it with anyone before. I think we could go years and not see each other, see each other, and that draw would just be there. It was the same way for my wife and I. We both had HUGE crushes on each other back in high school and we just bumped into each other at random occurrences in the halls...never even exchanged names. But 4 years later, after I had long since graduated and had a serious gf and she got married and separated...when we bumped into each again...the chemistry was still there. We had sex together that same night. We also exchanged names. We didn't end up together, due to specific reasons, and she actually ended up sort of hating me...and we stopped contacting each other. But, 3 years after that (7 years having passed since our first meeting in high school), we bumped into each other again...had sex that same night...and here we are...14 years later. Still madly attracted to each other...and still feeling that same spark we did back then. Chemistry is both unexplainable and undeniable.
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Star, I think you should try the "slow burn". That's what I want to do too. We are both intensely attracted to men that are bad for us. Our brains are playing tricks on us if you will, and the only way to break that pattern is to do something different. I wouldn't go that far. It's not that you have to do anything "different". All you can do is be honest with yourself and know what you want and then have the confidence to go get it. The rest is the hard part...finding someone you really want...and then having them want you as well. I think a lot of people get discouraged because they haven't found the "one" yet. But when you consider just how difficult it is to find someone, even when you're perfectly capable and wanting, it's easier to keep things in perspective. Just don't overthink things...relax...be open with your feelings and don't be afraid to be a bit vulnerable. And don't let the "failures" discourage you. If it was that easy to find your soulmate, everyone would be in perfectly happy relationships with the "one". It's not easy...it takes work on yourself and an awareness that a lot of people frankly just do not have. Then it takes luck in order to find Mr (or Ms) Right. The venture can be long and arduous, but the payoff is limitless. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Star, I think you should try the "slow burn". That's what I want to do too. We are both intensely attracted to men that are bad for us. Our brains are playing tricks on us if you will, and the only way to break that pattern is to do something different. I thought of you when I first found the article, ES. (Myself too, obviously... But I knew you'd "get" what I'm grappling with here.) I am trying something different this time. When we first met, I found him cute. Second date, pretty handsome. Third date, a little sexy. And now, even more so. I think this is because as I get to know him, I just...feel good. I'm very comfortable with him, I'm totally myself, we have fun together and he's doing the traditional "gentlemanly chase/courting" that I've always wanted. Anyone else looking at this situation would think, "Perfect!" But I've yet to feel RAWR! towards him like the other guys I've chosen to date, which makes me worry a bit, but I'm wondering whether that actually might a *good* thing at this stage... Especially after reading some other folks' posts.
Author Star Gazer Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I wouldn't go that far. It's not that you have to do anything "different". All you can do is be honest with yourself and know what you want and then have the confidence to go get it. The rest is the hard part...finding someone you really want...and then having them want you as well. Did you read the article? It doesn't seem like you did. The issue is: Can you develop attraction for someone who is good for you, in the way described in the article?
Babolat Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 But I've yet to feel RAWR! towards him like the other guys I've chosen to date, which makes me worry a bit, but I'm wondering whether that actually might a *good* thing at this stage... Especially after reading some other folks' posts. Not to get too personal, but... Have you had sex yet? The article mentioned that, waiting 6-7 dates, then maybe you will get your RAWR! I dunno..I am all about changing my approach to find a better mate (like that word ES!), but like KungFu said, it's got to be there for me from the get go.
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Did you read the article? It doesn't seem like you did. The issue is: Can you develop attraction for someone who is good for you, in the way described in the article? I read it and I agree with some of it, but not all. I do agree that those who go for the "higher numbers" will find it harder to find lasting love. But, for me the bottomline is that you are going to want what you are going to want. Some people ARE more picky than others. It's just a fact of life. I'm a beer snob. You couldn't pay me to drink any domestic macrobrewed crap like Bud or Coors. Others don't care and happily chug away at the crap. They could live happily ever after on case after case of Bud whereas I would want to puke after my 2nd can. Same goes with human attraction. Some people are more attracted to a wide variety of attributes...others have more defined tastes. I just think you can't really put too much thought or analysis into human attraction. I mean, I'm sure it's fun to hypothesize and try to figure out what works and what doesn't, but the human psyche is SO varied and fickle and unexplainable at times...how can you possibly try to define it within the context of "1 to 10"? 1
man_in_the_box Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I think it's an individual thing. Some of us can "develop" attraction and some can't. I can identify with that - nothing I can change about attraction (or lack thereof), at all.
BradJacobs Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I tried to date a woman who would be good for me ... tried that slow burn thing y'all keep mentioning ... tried to overlook obvious physical deficiencies (healthy as opposed to fit, short hair as opposed to long). She was funny, we usually had a good time but the sexual attraction wasn't there for me. Talk about an awkward break up ... I'm breaking up with you because you're not hot enough even though I tried to like you, I just can't and don't see a future together. Thanks for the so-so sex and best of luck. 1
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 here's a weird thought... I don't trust men who need this non-stop passion all the time or who get all googly eyed over a woman's looks.... even if it is mine. There will always be a woman who is better looking than me. There will always be a woman who does this or that in bed better than me. If that is what drives him, he'll never be faithful. He'll never be there when the **** hits the fan. He's not worthy of a life-time commitment. 2
Mrlonelyone Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 The burning passion one has for another only decreases with time. Passion is neither love nor hate. Passion makes love or hate more intense. If you don't feel an intense pull towards someone at first, it can spike up latter, however, after that it's all down hill. Now it is possible to know someone in a superficial way but not really notice them. You know what I mean? Like that coworker you don't really pay any mind until you both try to pick up the same paper sheet.
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) here's a weird thought... I don't trust men who need this non-stop passion all the time or who get all googly eyed over a woman's looks.... even if it is mine. There will always be a woman who is better looking than me. There will always be a woman who does this or that in bed better than me. If that is what drives him, he'll never be faithful. He'll never be there when the **** hits the fan. He's not worthy of a life-time commitment. I take it you've been burned in the past...so you're obviously wary and cautious...but you're letting FEAR control your emotions and thoughts. Fear has no place in relationships. None. Edited August 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) I take it you've been burned in the past...so you're obviously wary and cautious...but you're letting FEAR control your emotions and thoughts. Fear has no place in relationships. None. No, I just value different things. I value men who are not phased or impressed by looks... I value men who can see beneath the façade and the exterior. In more ways than one. the ones who are drawn to the shiny, glittery things are like little children to me. Edited August 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Divasu Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 This time, I'm trying the middle-range. So far, it feels good. I'm liking him more and more as I get to know him better. But I'm not yet feeling the super strong RAWR! that I have felt with guys in the past (that all took off like rockets and came down just as fast and furiously). I guess you could say it's a slow burn, like an oven, not a fire torch. Ahhh, the love arrow that hits you when you were not expecting it and all of a sudden knocks you off your feet... Watch out for those. 2
xxoo Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I don't think that burning passion is necessarily about looks. I do need my man to have passion for me. I don't need him to think I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. I just need him to clearly want to be with me, regardless of whoever else is in the room. And I don't believe that passion needs to burn out. It's a renewable resource. After we had our kids, I discovered a new source of passion for him watching him interact with them. 4
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 No, I just value different things. I value men who are not phased or impressed by looks... I value men who can see beneath the façade and the exterior. In more ways than one. the ones who are drawn to the shiny, glittery things are like little children to me. A man who is not phased or impressed by looks...is asexual. 1
StanMusial Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I don't think that burning passion is necessarily about looks. That burning sensation sometimes follows a passionate tryst.
FitChick Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 People want instant gratification. You need the luxury of time to get to know someone. As I get to know a man, I become either more or less attracted based on our interactions and what my goal is in the relationship. Not to say I don't find some men instantly attractive but I can detach and appreciate their male pulchritude without doing anything. I know who will be bad for me, based on past experience, and I avoid that type. Sometimes it's difficult but I've suffered enough in my life to not have history repeat itself. Know thyself first. 4
KungFuJoe Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Some also cheat because they like variety. Or, they introduce another person into the sexual relationship so it's not considered "cheating". I agree with you on everything else. Yeah...I stated that wrong. I was just trying to say that people cheat for all sorts of different reasons that trying to control faithfulness by saying you want someone who isn't into looks is just silly.
clia Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Not to get too personal, but... Have you had sex yet? The article mentioned that, waiting 6-7 dates, then maybe you will get your RAWR! This is how it went for me. I don't recall feeling particularly RAWR about my current boyfriend during our first two dates. He was my type and I was attracted to him and thought he was cute and all that and we had a great time together, but I wasn't dying to tear his clothes off or anything. But then on our third date, I got really, really nervous and realized how much I liked him, and that's when all the butterflies really started for me, and that passion really kicked in and the steamier sessions started. It steadily built up, and then we had sex on date 6 or 7 (can't remember) and have gone from there. So, Babolat might have a point...
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