Developing attraction for people who are good for you...

[Star Gazer]

Just read this article, and it kinda resonated with me: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201205/how-develop-sexual-and-romantic-attraction-people-who-are-good-you

 

I am definitely one of the people who seeks "high level attraction" right out the gate... And if it's not there, I bail.

 

This time, I'm trying the middle-range. So far, it feels good. I'm liking him more and more as I get to know him better. But I'm not yet feeling the super strong RAWR! that I have felt with guys in the past (that all took off like rockets and came down just as fast and furiously). I guess you could say it's a slow burn, like an oven, not a fire torch.

 

I'm curious what you all think about the article, in particular, whether you can grow mid-range attraction into something much deeper. Personal experiences would be great.

[Philosoraptor]

While looks are important, it's not always important to have someone that melts your panties every time you look at them. As you've seen, it takes more to sustain a healthy and happy relationship.

 

When I was dating I looked for anyone I thought was cute and got to know them more if they seemed interesting after our initial conversation. It worked, as I got to know a lot of really great women. It just turns out my fiancee ended up being a stunner, but more importantly she had all of the mental and emotionial qualities I was looking for.

 

Patience is important, as setting your scopes to "bail" quickly can leave you missing out on someone who could be great for you. If nothing else, you'll enjoy the date more by just letting things happen naturally and opening yourself to lively conversation.

[BluEyeL]

Absolutely! For me, that's the only way to go in fact. Physical attraction, if there is some to start with, grows from love and love grows from knowing someone and matching well at several levels.

[Star Gazer]

While looks are important, it's not always important to have someone that melts your panties every time you look at them. As you've seen, it takes more to sustain a healthy and happy relationship.

 

When speaking of physical attraction, there's waaaaaaay more than just looks. I think that's what you're missing about the article.

[Star Gazer]

Absolutely! For me, that's the only way to go in fact. Physical attraction, if there is some to start with, grows from love and love grows from knowing someone and matching well at several levels.

 

Say you meet a guy. What level of physical attraction has to be there for you to continue seeing him, to allow that attraction to grow? Like on a scale of 1-10, 1 being a almost nothing, to 10 being "I have to have you NOW!"

 

?

[soccerrprp]

While looks are important, it's not always important to have someone that melts your panties every time you look at them. As you've seen, it takes more to sustain a healthy and happy relationship.

 

When I was dating I looked for anyone I thought was cute and got to know them more if they seemed interesting after our initial conversation. It worked, as I got to know a lot of really great women. It just turns out my fiancee ended up being a stunner, but more importantly she had all of the mental and emotionial qualities I was looking for.

 

Patience is important, as setting your scopes to "bail" quickly can leave you missing out on someone who could be great for you. If nothing else, you'll enjoy the date more by just letting things happen naturally and opening yourself to lively conversation.

 

Philosoraptor,

 

Like what you have to say, BUT your fiancée didn't JUST turn out to be a stunner, right? I mean, you were first attracted to her looks, right?

 

Would you have given her the light of day if she were, say, less attractive?

 

I must admit, I have my preferences in the looks department. If they do not fit within my looks range, I won't even bother to talk to them. At least, I won't take the initiative.

[Janesays]

I'm not a very visual person, so I've never really looked at anyone and thought "RAWR!" Generally, I become attracted to people after talking to them and getting to know them after awhile. I've also noticed that my attraction can increase/decrease based on the level attraction THEY have for ME.

 

Like, with my current fiance, after our first date I thought, "Oh, he's a cute enough guy...but I don't think he likes me like that." After a few more dates and him becoming more obvious about his desire for me, I got more into the mode where "I HAVE TO RIP HIS CLOTHES OFF!"

[xxoo]

I'm not very visual, either. Thinking over the men for whom I've maintained the strongest attraction, over time, they were not the same guys that made me starry eyed the first moment I saw them. That includes my husband--my attraction for him grew quickly as I got to know him, but it was not a sudden jolt when I first met him.

[Philosoraptor]

When speaking of physical attraction, there's waaaaaaay more than just looks. I think that's what you're missing about the article.

No, I read the article and understand there are many aspects to attraction. While I may have specified looks, the comment made specified that giving time to feel things out is important. There are people who you may consider highly attractive that are shy on the first date, or more casual and want to get to know you before letting out some of their more attractive traits. Just because they come off as not "highly attractive" and appealing, doesn't mean that it's not underlying as you get to know them.

 

While a spark is necessary, a raging fire is a double edged sword. While it can exibit a lot of attraction and chemistry, it does not always lead to compatibility. Don't get me wrong, a raging fire is great for a short period, but often it eclipses many of the important aspects of compatibility. By taking your time with these "mid-range" attractive types you can find that the spark develops into that raging fire, and sustains, as it is built on a foundation compatibility. Suddenly that "cute" compatible person becomes a sexy beast who fulfills all of your desires.

[BluEyeL]

Say you meet a guy. What level of physical attraction has to be there for you to continue seeing him, to allow that attraction to grow? Like on a scale of 1-10, 1 being a almost nothing, to 10 being "I have to have you NOW!"

 

?

 

I don't like "scales", I'm not sure if I'm good at interpreting them. In general, I think a 5-6 should suffice.

[Philosoraptor]

Philosoraptor,

 

Like what you have to say, BUT your fiancée didn't JUST turn out to be a stunner, right? I mean, you were first attracted to her looks, right?

 

Would you have given her the light of day if she were, say, less attractive?

I got to know many women who I found attractive. So yes, as long as I still found her attractive I would have taken the time to get to know her. I'd still have made the same decisions I've made, were she not a stunner, as the decision to marry her was made based on compatibility.

 

Had I not found her attractive at all, I would not likely have got to know her and would have likely just passed her at the lake. Luckily for me she not only dropped my jaw but was an amazing person underneath.

[BluEyeL]

And a hardly ever have to have someone "now" I think I only had a reaction of sorts (not to "have him" but a wow reaction) when I first saw Bradley Cooper in "He's Just Not That Into You". That was before he was famous.

[HappyLove]

If I get along with someone and he's a nice guy treating me well but maybe I'm still a little iffy because he's not "hot", I'll give it 3 dates. I've learned in MY experience you're not getting a true picture of him or how you mesh until at least 3 dates. I've been surprised by how much my feelings could change by then....good & bad.

[Star Gazer]

Curious to hear from those in happy LTRs/marriages, how their attraction started off and grew.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm in two minds actually, regarding this kind of thing.

 

I think for a lot of people it is beneficial to understand their triggers - the things they are attracted to sexually. For some it's physical (i.e. not just surface looks but physiological - how they walk, express themselves etc) and for others it's mental or emotional.

 

My feeling is that there are cases when resisting your natural mode of attraction may be detrimental - although it doesn't hurt to try. I echo Philsoraptor's theory that a spark is necessary but it doesn't have to be a roaring blaze of fire all the time - possibly only for the people who primarily operate on that level IMO .

 

Spark is that little bit of friction, excitement and tension that is necessary to cause those feelings to grow.

[Babolat]

Just read this article, and it kinda resonated with me: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201205/how-develop-sexual-and-romantic-attraction-people-who-are-good-you

 

I am definitely one of the people who seeks "high level attraction" right out the gate... And if it's not there, I bail.

 

This time, I'm trying the middle-range. So far, it feels good. I'm liking him more and more as I get to know him better. But I'm not yet feeling the super strong RAWR! that I have felt with guys in the past (that all took off like rockets and came down just as fast and furiously). I guess you could say it's a slow burn, like an oven, not a fire torch.

 

I'm curious what you all think about the article, in particular, whether you can grow mid-range attraction into something much deeper. Personal experiences would be great.

 

First, I LOVE Psychology Today!

 

I read the article and I do find it interesting.

 

I have read this part before:

 

"And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone who we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can convince him or her to finally love and accept us."

 

It's interesting to that when I walk into a group of people, at a party, a club, a bar, a social event, I too will find myself attracted to one person, or nobody.

 

I am attracted to all kinds of types so I am not sure I agree with being attracted to a certain physical type. If you were to line up the last 4 woman I dated they all look totally different.

 

Emotionally though, they probably do all share things in common.

 

So for me, it's about breaking the pattern of being attracted, emotionally, subconsciously, to the same type.

 

I have been out with a woman 6-7 times now over the past 4+ months. We both agreed "as friends" so there has been no romance. She has an incedible body, attractive face, wonderful personality and seems grounded and emotionally healthy. She has been asking me relationship type questions recently, and I have wondered "could I date her" as I am not super attracted to her (other than her body) and emotionally. Emotionally I am attracted to her. Though I have not taken the next step.

 

So, to answer your question, I dunno!

[xxoo]

Curious to hear from those in happy LTRs/marriages, how their attraction started off and grew.

 

We met organically. I remember meeting him, but not having any distinct impression about his appearance, other than noticing a bad wardrobe choice (which I've been teasing about to this day ). He was one of dozens of people I met that eventful day.

 

After a few more interactions, I noticed him. He had his eye on me first, but he got my attention! The tension built for a while, due to circumstances, but when he finally made his move, it was fireworks

[Babolat]

Curious to hear from those in happy LTRs/marriages, how their attraction started off and grew.

 

When I first met my ex-wife I thought she was attractive, no spark though. I met her having lunch with a mutal friend.

 

We hung out as a group for a couple of months, still no spark. I was actually interested in one of her friends.

 

I remember one night out at a club, dancing, and she just gave me this look, hard to describe, and BAM, there was a spark. We had not dated prior, but after that I changed me tune with her and started persuing her more. It developed very slowly, like over months, and my attraction for her grew and grew.

 

Now, fast forward 10+ years later and that attraction turned to ugliness as the marriage fell apart. Strange how that works.

 

I met my last gf on match.com. We chated for 2 weeks, her photos were stunning, gorgeous. I remember when I met her I thought she was very attractive, but there was no BAM!. The conversation went very well...we ended up talking for 3+ hours. The BAM hit immediately on the 2nd date when I saw her...I melted.

[Treasa]

I've never had super strong RAWR for Keith, and yet I will never be in a romantic relationship with another man ever again, no matter how super strong those RAWR feelings are, and here's why:

 

1. Keith does housework.

2. If I'm upset, it doesn't even matter why, Keith knows. I don't even have to say anything or express or show anything. He just knows.

3. When a family member has to go to the hospital suddenly, or if I'm suddenly puking and have to go home from work, he's there (in the latter case, we carpool, which is why), even though I don't ask him to be.

4. My family adores him and considers him one of our own.

5. When my mom, grandma and me are standing in the back of my uncle's yard in 95 degree weather, yelling at each other and doing hard work, Keith is quietly working and not complaining one tiny bit. He didn't even have to be asked for help.

6. When I need to trim our budget and cut something out, he doesn't say a word. He goes along with things like that.

7. If we sign up to do a 5K and then the day ends up being rainy and super cold or I just don't feel like it, he knows and we go to IHOP instead.

8. When I suddenly want to play Rock Band, he's right there on the fake guitar.

9. If he's super tired and in a bad mood and I can't sleep, he'll stay up with me if I want him to, no complaints.

10. I can yell at him, he can yell at me, and we both know he's not going anywhere.

11. If I don't hear from him for a little while, I don't, for even a MOMENT, worry what's going on.

12. I never, ever worry about other women. I KNOW I'm all he wants. He makes SURE I know I'm all he wants.

13. He thought I was just as beautiful at 270 pounds as I am now, and often told me so.

14. I'm the most gorgeous woman in the world to him even when I'm looking my worst.

15. Even if it feels like the entire world is against me (which is rare), he never is. EVER.

 

I could probably list another 1,000 things why he's "the one" for me, despite never having had those super strong RAWR feelings for him.

 

When love is real and true, you both give 100%. It is stress-free, because the love is never questioned. You are never doubtful. You may not feel sexy excitement all the time, or even most of the time, but you get excited about doing things with that person, like going on a trip. It's not that you lose passion, but the passion isn't limited to just each other. The passion is shared for other things that you experience together.

 

All the guys I felt super strong RAWR for are the ones who left me wondering, anxious, worried, excited, unable to focus on myself, etc. I often felt those things because those guys would leave me a little off balance, craving, wanting to claim something, wanting to prove something.

 

With Keith I feel free and completely and forever loved. There will never be another day in my life when he isn't completely in love with me. I know it more than I know almost anything, except maybe my mom and grandma's love for me, and I love knowing that.

Edited August 29, 2013 by Treasa

[KungFuJoe]

Maybe others will beg to differ, but take it from someone who has been with the same woman for 14 years.

 

Physical attraction is VERY important. Chemistry is even MORE important.

 

My "intimacy" with my wife is as strong as ever...maybe even stronger. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that we still **** like rabbits like we used to...no, of course not. Having kids and just being older in general will always slow that down. But, we're still doing it more than once a day, and most importantly, the sex is amazing. Just last night, we created another "story" for the memory banks from how amazing it was.

 

I'm not saying to discount personal compatibility...you need all that, too. But I think you need it ALL to make it really work over the long haul. And that means physical attraction.

 

Of course, this also depends on how important sex is for you. For myself...it's right at the top. Not everyone will feel the same way and you will have to judge what qualities are important to you. But, if you want a long lasting and very lustful sexual relationship, in my opinion, physical looks and chemistry are of utmost importance.

 

Of course, it's just MY opinion and I certainly would like to hear from other people in a LTR who perhaps started out with not so much physical attraction, but still have a very active and energetic sex life many years later.

[crederer]

I think that relationships that start hot and heavy, the novelty wears off fairly quickly. So when that wears off, what does it matter any more? In terms of LTR it doesn't really count for much. It's basically just a bonus to the relationship but not a primary factor.

 

I compare it to a song you like. The catchy ones that you like right away you listen to a bunch of times but then you eventually get so sick of it it makes you want to puke. Then there are the master piece songs that you know are good songs, but it doesn't completely knock your socks off right away. Then over time as you listen to it more and more you start to notice a lot of the little touches that makes the song so great, and you end up listening to it forever rather than getting sick of it within a few months.

 

I dunno if that metaphor strikes you, but I'm a musician and it makes so much sense to me.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Interesting article.

I think it makes things too complicated though.

 

 

I saw my now boyfriend, immediately was drawn to him. It wasn't physical, as I already had a super hot boyfriend. It was honestly something I can't describe, I just had this urge to get to know him though, like I knew he would be important to me. Crazy right? Doesn't matter, because he felt it too, and from the get go we had amazing chemistry and connection. Still do.

It wasn't a slow built, it was just... there.

 

 

 

One guy I dated there was a slow build, we dated for about 4 months before becoming exclusive, started out as "friends". I thought I was doing things "the right way" and was gaga over him. He dumped me though. About a month after becoming "boyfriend/girlfriend".

 

As I said, interesting, but not always true.

[veggirl]

I had major butterflies, sparks, chemistry with my bf from day one. There was no eh ill give him a try at all, it was full blown attraction.

 

That doesn't mean I jumped in head first. I took things slow. Our RELATIONSHIP was a slow build, the attraction was def NOT

[BluEyeL]

I was in a relationship with my ex husband for 20yrs. I wasn't attracted to him in the beginning. We met in college. He was strongly attracted to me though, I was a babe back then lol and I was stopping traffic. Thats history:laugh: He sat next to me in class, talked to me at breaks and followed me around for about four months before I went on a "date" with him. We were getting along very well. He had character flaws, but I never saw them, I was too young . The marriage WAS very good in the sense that he never stopped being my boyfriend. He was an excellent boyfriend, not too good husband or father. He was so affectionate that he was highly addictive. We hardly ever fought, never went to sleep upset, talked for hours until the end and after, and sex Never slowed down. well, I wouldn't be able to cope with every day sexing like kungfu, ours was twice a week during normal times, daily on vacation (which was much for me). Never changed or went down. Continued having sex for 3yrs after the divorce. So yeah, I hardly remembered that I wasn't attracted to him at first. I wasn't repulsed and that's all I need to start. Then it all grows. Men are different.

Edited August 29, 2013 by BluEyeL

[xxoo]

Physical attraction is VERY important. Chemistry is even MORE important.

 

For me, physical attraction often results from chemistry plus one more intangible "piece" that switches on sexual attraction. I've had such burning crushes on professors that were not physically attractive, outside of brilliance, charm, and maybe warm eyes.