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Posted

That's the message that I want to get through people struggling with dating. I see so many: "I wish I was thinner, taller, whiter etc etc".

 

What if I am to tell you that *you* just as *you are* are enough. And you can be loved, just as you are. And you really, truly need to internalize this message.

 

I see so many people living from "outside in" which is a wrong way to go about it. It means that your whole being is at mercy of others which you have little control of. You need to live from the "inside out". Which basically means:

 

1. Know yourself

2. Accept yourself

3. Love yourself

3. BE yourself

 

Sure, you may attract more people if you pretend that you are someone else. But they will be the wrong types of people. In the end, you will not only waste time, but you will be further away from self-acceptance than ever. You will only gain temporary advantage that will result in longer term unhappiness.

 

If you can internalize what I am saying here, you will see outside circumstances opening up to you like never before. And then, all the pieces of your puzzle will fall into place.

  • Like 15
Posted
That's the message that I want to get through people struggling with dating. I see so many: "I wish I was thinner, taller, whiter etc etc".

 

What if I am to tell you that *you* just as *you are* are enough. And you can be loved, just as you are. And you really, truly need to internalize this message.

 

I see so many people living from "outside in" which is a wrong way to go about it. It means that your whole being is at mercy of others which you have little control of. You need to live from the "inside out". Which basically means:

 

1. Know yourself

2. Accept yourself

3. Love yourself

3. BE yourself

 

Sure, you may attract more people if you pretend that you are someone else. But they will be the wrong types of people. In the end, you will not only waste time, but you will be further away from self-acceptance than ever. You will only gain temporary advantage that will result in longer term unhappiness.

 

If you can internalize what I am saying here, you will see outside circumstances opening up to you like never before. And then, all the pieces of your puzzle will fall into place.

 

Well said my friend! Another way of saying this is to ask yourself why are you attracting the people you are?

Posted
Be yourself is feel good advice that doesn't work.

 

Only if you don't like the person you are.

 

I'm myself, and I used to hate it, and sometimes I wouldn't be myself, and I'd hate that too.

 

Now I've struck upon the beauty of being myself and completely freaking loving it.

  • Like 2
Posted

A girl I dated for 3-4 weeks a couple of years ago want to do everything I did, wanted to be everything I was, loved everything I loved, said I completed her on the 3rd date, said I love you week two, literally just needed to be with me whenvewr she could. She, in my opinion, had no identity and lost herself in me.

 

Note I said we dated for only 3-4 weeks....

Posted

:love:

Love this advice.

 

 

 

 

It is 100% true too.

Posted
Be yourself is feel good advice that doesn't work.

You can't be yourself if you don't know yourself.

 

Knowing yourself regarding what you're capable of, your strengths and weaknesses, how to manage both of them etc. There's so much of yourself to discover, once you do, it will be so much easier to be yourself and be attractive at the same time.

  • Like 6
Posted
If you can internalize what I am saying here, you will see outside circumstances opening up to you like never before. And then, all the pieces of your puzzle will fall into place.

Bollocks. This is some fairytale dreamweaving.

 

Being yourself isn't always good enough nor should it be.

 

There are no participation trophies in life.

  • Like 3
Posted
If he's the nerdy couch potato who plays video games with few friends, being himself will get him far with the ladies. NOT. He needs a reality check.

 

So he should pretend this is not who he is, get a gal to fall for him, then show her who he really is?

Posted

I think some people are taking op's opening post a little too literally.

 

Basically, it's just...don't be fake.

 

But if you're a lazy bum who just sits on the couch all day...that's an ENTIRELY different problem and has more repercussions than just not being able to find a date.

  • Like 3
Posted
So he should pretend this is not who he is, get a gal to fall for him, then show her who he really is?

 

If he's pretending to be someone else to get a girl to fall for him isn't that who he really is too?

Posted

Stop telling me what to do!!!!

  • Like 3
Posted
Well said my friend! Another way of saying this is to ask yourself why are you attracting the people you are?

 

I ask myself this a lot......its an ongoing ask....i dont have a clear cut reason one day maybe

 

 

My family attracts a wide range of people, we all take people in who others wont......

 

sometimes we attract risky people not because we act like them or set out to attract them or try to emulate them but because we are the exact opposite of them ill give you an example....

 

my son used to mow lawns....and he mowed this families lawn, got paid for what he did and thought no more about it a couple of weeks later he was walking down the road close to where this family lived, walking with a friend..... the guy and his father were out of it and started yelling something he waved and kept walking....they started following and they werent happy...father had this massive knife in his hand..now they were close to this friends place, but my son said no, we have to go now my place and they bolted to my place, they had run pretty far scared crapless.......ran through the door...and said mum they are going to get us they are coming now, do something mum....he has a machete...they they hid in his room......they were seventeen.......so.....i had all my kids there no dad in the picture......

 

so i told my daughter to lock the door behind me....and they were there ....screaming at me to move and let them in......i refused and told them they werent getting in and they threatened me still refused....anyway it got pretty hairy....i didnt back down.........and in the end i was able to calm them down.....reason with them and convince them my son had done nothing wrong

 

 

and they admired me and what i said i todl them to come back tomorrow straight we woudl talk.....adn the guy did.......he also apologized profusely, told his fiancee you have to meet this lady

 

four weeks later i became full time child care for them and a confidante to his fiancee .....i knew he was violent with major issues in substance abuse....but his fiancee was led to me and three beautiful haunted children they were led too....they loved my house..they loved me..an d we had soem real fun together...the baby girl was a delight to mind..this story is ongoing....things happens for a reason, people come in your life for a reason...even the ones that want to rip your head off...you have to look behind that person...and see who is standing behind them there normally is someone there to help .....everything has reason even if you dont like it...meeting bad people always has a purpose...even if it is just to teach you something new....or to grow...because one day you are going to need to see what to do with someone who is about to rip yoru head off and you will hav eskills and a bit of confidence to deal with it....thats what i beleive.....i dont ask for violent peopel wiht problems to come to me, i am not a bad person, definitely nto a perfect one, i have no sign on my door saying dick heads welcome.....so all i can think is.......there's a reason they come knocking...and i eventually find out why...deb

Posted

"be yourself" is perfectly valid and legitimate advice for people who are reasonably fit, healthy, attractive, well dressed, well mannered and with good interpersonal skills and somewhat functional outgoing personalities.

 

For people who are missing one or more of those traits, "be yourself" doesn't carry much merit and time and energy spent on correcting the problem is infinitely more effective than 'being themselves.'

 

If someone is 100 lbs overweight, being themself isn't going to help much. Losing 100lbs will.

 

If someone is so painfully shy that they can't talk to the opposite sex, being themself doesn't get them out and on the market.

 

When pretty, social, outgoing people with good interpersonal skills and outgoing personalities tell less attractive, socially awkward people to "just be yourself" it often comes across as more of slap in the face than any real advice.

 

If being themselves worked in the first place then they wouldn't be home frustrated on a Sat night:(

  • Like 2
Posted
"be yourself" is perfectly valid and legitimate advice for people who are reasonably fit, healthy, attractive, well dressed, well mannered and with good interpersonal skills and somewhat functional outgoing personalities.

 

For people who are missing one or more of those traits, "be yourself" doesn't carry much merit and time and energy spent on correcting the problem is infinitely more effective than 'being themselves.'

 

If someone is 100 lbs overweight, being themself isn't going to help much. Losing 100lbs will.

 

If someone is so painfully shy that they can't talk to the opposite sex, being themself doesn't get them out and on the market.

 

When pretty, social, outgoing people with good interpersonal skills and outgoing personalities tell less attractive, socially awkward people to "just be yourself" it often comes across as more of slap in the face than any real advice.

 

If being themselves worked in the first place then they wouldn't be home frustrated on a Sat night:(

 

Yeah, but this goes back to what I said earlier.

 

If you're 100lbs overweight, you ain't gonna be able to "fake" skinny. And you will have problems outside of relationships...mainly you're fat as **** and you're going to die of heart disease.

 

This is more about being true to yourself...if you're a guy that likes to be a gentleman and open doors for women, don't try to act like a callous jerk who slams doors in women's faces because you think the "bad guy" gets the girl.

 

If you're riddled with anxiety and can't even speak two words to a woman without wanting to puke, seek help...you're outside the "normal" spectrum. But if you're just a regular, shy guy, who isn't comfortable speaking to strangers (like a LOT of people) then don't try to be that extrovert who hits on girls who pull up beside you at a red light.

Posted
"be yourself" is perfectly valid and legitimate advice for people who are reasonably fit, healthy, attractive, well dressed, well mannered and with good interpersonal skills and somewhat functional outgoing personalities. :(

 

I don't disagree with you for the most part. People can improve themselves. I am a big fan of self-improvement and I always say I am a work in progress, changing, always learning and craving knowledge. I can be average at my work, or I can teach myself new skills to rise.

 

Why can't someone get fit, get healthy, dress better, work on their manners, improve their interpersonal skills if the want to?

 

In the end though, at your core, you are who you are. Your values, your character, your morals, how you think and make decisions...all of this is taught early on in life. You should not change this for anyone. It will never work if you do.

  • Like 3
Posted

"Just be yourself" is bad advice. It implies that you were not being yourself to begin with which is not true for most people. If you cannot find the source of your failures internally you must look on the outside. Sometimes you have to change yourself to succeed.

  • Like 1
Posted

I find this kind of simplistic advice like "be yourself" is just vacuous nonsense which means nothing and doesn't really help anyone.

 

This can be turned around by simply asking "try not to be yourself?" Go ahead, try and not be yourself and see if you can do it, you can't because it's impossible. Why would you try be yourself when you already are yourself. It's nonsense.

  • Like 1
Posted

i think you can twist the phrase "just be yourself"

 

 

when people normally said they are complimenting someone....and yet here in this thread it was sent with a positive vibe......comments have twisted the phrase into a negative

 

 

when soemoen tells me deb dont worry just be yourself....they are saying i am good enough flaws and all........ it is a validating and expressive comment to make to someone..yet it can be twisted like most things to mean something entirely different......

 

 

when someone tells me to be myself the intentions are to lift me...because i am an awesome messed up person...i have a multitude of flaws........but......

 

my good qualities shine on....i think when you are just being yourself.....you accept the flaws...shyness, anxiety, insecurities and you spin the positives so people see the beauty in you as well as th eflaws....allowing others to see you to be yourself is all in vulnerability, they see your hands shake they hear the shyness in your voice, and then they notice your smile......and suddenly the flaws dont seem all that important....be yourself.....embrace you......all of you...not just to get a date find a man or keep a chick....but because you are wonderfully made there is no other like you.......and you are needed, wanted and important exactly the way you are.....deb

Posted
You don't think it's better to hate oneself intensely initially, resolve to be other than the snivelling, mewling turd-worm one is, and then through immense effort over time, emerge triumphant from the crucible of perpetual self-challenge and reflection, laughing like Zarathustra?

 

Yes, I do think it is better.

 

Otherwise, we would have no over-achievers in the world.

Posted
I find this kind of simplistic advice like "be yourself" is just vacuous nonsense which means nothing and doesn't really help anyone.

 

This can be turned around by simply asking "try not to be yourself?" Go ahead, try and not be yourself and see if you can do it, you can't because it's impossible. Why would you try be yourself when you already are yourself. It's nonsense.

 

Well, you can't keep that up forever and before you know it, you are yourself again.

 

But wait! What if you try to be the other person right in front of you? Like, you go all out and mimic them in every way. Dress like them, talk like them, repeat every word they say as they are saying it. Follow them around and everything. Will there come a point where they forget who they are and think they are you and you are them? The mind wobbles.

 

OP, I can agree to "be yourself" as long as you don't use it as an excuse to be less than your potential. Then you'll need to be someone else. Someone better than yourself.

Posted
I think some people are taking op's opening post a little too literally.

 

Basically, it's just...don't be fake.

 

But if you're a lazy bum who just sits on the couch all day...that's an ENTIRELY different problem and has more repercussions than just not being able to find a date.

 

Right. She's saying, "Don't put on an act, don't be something you're not."

 

But there's nothing in the OP that says just continuing being the same you, never seek to improve yourself.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

There's so much twisting and misinterpretation of the original message, it's quite silly... let's see if I can sum it up.

 

 

 

 

 

BE GENUINE.

 

 

That's all.

 

 

Forget the "fat/skinny, social problem, nerd" babble whatever the HECK because yes, there are things that people can work on to better themselves while still being a GENUINE person. Being totally honest with yourself and others, and genuine about who you are as a person.

Edited by Phoe
x
  • Like 4
Posted
Well, you can't keep that up forever and before you know it, you are yourself again.

 

But wait! What if you try to be the other person right in front of you? Like, you go all out and mimic them in every way. Dress like them, talk like them, repeat every word they say as they are saying it. Follow them around and everything. Will there come a point where they forget who they are and think they are you and you are them? The mind wobbles.

 

 

LOL but again we go further into the spinning vortex because you're still being yourself by pretending to be someone else; you're being your pretending to be someone else self i.e. yourself.

 

Frankly I think we're all just actors pretending we are/not ourselves and pretending we know who we really are.

  • Like 2
Posted
LOL but again we go further into the spinning vortex because you're still being yourself by pretending to be someone else; you're being your pretending to be someone else self i.e. yourself.

 

Frankly I think we're all just actors pretending we are/not ourselves and pretending we know who we really are.

 

 

clever turn of phrase there....smilin..complex......deb

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