avacado Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I think I can distill how terrible I’ve felt into a newidea: I was once an adult, and now I’m a child. For two years, I was an adultwith a terrific girlfriend, I lived in a nice place, I had a very flexible andinteresting job, a large and vibrant friend group. I traveled a lot, went toshows, but enjoyed every day I could with my beautiful girlfriend. I was in mylate 20’s but she was my first love. I thought I was defective until I met her,and suddenly I’m flying out to meet her family and life was very, very, good. Then she broke up with me, without a great deal ofexplanation and at the worst possible time; I had started a grad program thatwas a lot more difficult than I’d planned on it being, and this new developmentcame right before exams. Suddenly, I had to move out (she owned the place) andmove back in where I used to live, in a small room in a house of 6 people. Thegirls I thought would come flocking stayed at bay, and compared with two yearsprior, most of my friends had settled down and weren’t going out and havingmuch fun anymore. And all those memories I had with my ex, all those greattimes during that amazing period of my life, are wasted. The only contact Ihave with the girl I once shared everything with is when I succumb to breakingNC and she writes back something so damn sweet and deep that it makes me feeleven worse. It’s been over seven months now and I still feel as bad as the dayit happened, and the recent knowledge that she has a new boyfriend has sent meinto anxiety attacks and sleepless nights in my small bachelor pad. I’m evensmoking cigarettes now to keep the anxiety low, but I know this will makethings worse in the long run. Worse yet, school is extremely intense and I needthe power to push through. I can’t concentrate in class because I think abouther. I can’t sleep at night because of the pain. I’m a zombie, just trying tofake it for one more year. I’m 29 now, and I feel incredibly old. Most of my peers aremarried or engaged. It feels so bad to see someone younger than me with afamily. A family is all I want. I feel like I’ll never meet anyone. I don’tfeel physically old at all, but I keep comparing myself with these youngcouples. I know these are irrational fears. I’m a good looking guy, in verygood shape, and most people seem to like me, and in less than a year I’ll havean MBA. That is, if I don’t have a meltdown, which isn’t unlikely. I fearentering a new relationship with a girl who isn’t as sweet, pretty, or interestingas my ex. I hate myself for not doing things differently when I had the chance.But the truth is that I wasn’t capable back then, I wasn’t mature enough torealize what I had. I met some people in a bar recently who were in their 60’s.I told them I thought I was old and they laughed. I guess it’s all relative.But I just feel like the great times I had with my ex were wasted and I’m setback years, regretful and struggling to catch up. How do I feel like an adultagain, and how do I not feel old? Sorry for the rant and thanks for reading, I could go on forpages but I’ll stop.
Philosoraptor Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You have to be patient and allow yourself to heal. Take your focus off of everyone else and put it on yourself and what you want for yourself. Honestly you should take your mind off of relationships as you're clearly not ready nor would you be finding one for the right reasons. Take your focus off the outside world. Especially off the ex, as it will do you no good. Start to take care of yourself, not dive into bad habbits that will only make things worse. If you're feeling this bad you may want to seek counseling as I read someone still young that is about to obtain an MBA. Something to be proud of. But you'll not find a happy relationship until you make peace and find happiness within. Take care of yourself and the world will take care of you. 1
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