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Posted

5 days. That's all I've made it. I was feeling better. Now I feel awful and I miss him like crazy.

 

He was controlling. Didn't trust me, no matter how much of myself I gave up. He promised and gave me the perfect relationship. Then he slowly pulled away, usually as a means to control. Usually after I expressed any desire to involve myself in activities where men might be present in any capacity. Any time I tried to communicate, I was punished with subtle, insidious insults and devaluation. Then he discarded me and walked away. Broke up with me and said the meanest things, just out of the blue. It wasn't like we had a fight. It wasn't like he just "realized he didn't love me," or anything. No, called me a liar, said he never trusted me, insulted my character. With nothing to back it up.

 

But I still feel like it's all my fault. I'm still crying over him. I've never had chemistry with anyone like I did with him. And I can't stop thinking about how amazing it was when it was good. We were short distance, seeing each other every weekend. We planned moving. Family. Life. I've had the most fun with him I've ever had. I want him to reach out to me. To miss me.

 

He broke up with me several years ago. After a year and a half, I let him back into my life. He came back before. I keep hoping he will again. Even though I know I could never trust him with my heart.

 

People ask me out. I'm not ready to date. Obviously. I feel hopeless because nobody sparks my interest the way he did.

 

Cognitively, I know I need to stay strong, stay NC, keep doing activities.

 

I. Just. Feel. So. Sad.

 

Thank you, dear LS, for your support.

Posted

Take a step back from everything and read what you wrote. You were in a controlling relationship and were not the big cause of issues here. He was a manipulative person and you will be better off in the long run without this person steering your life.

 

Stay strong and continue to take care of yourself, it gets easier in time.

Posted

i know how you feel. over the last year i have put all my effort into making my relationship a perfect one. And most of the time it was phenomenal. But my ex was very confused about what she wanted most of the time. She loves me for all i did for her, but she never wanted to put in the work to make it happen. she broke up with me for the second time last friday. she contacted me last on monday. Yesterday i felt fine, but today i feel like total $***. This morning has been awful, i miss her so much. i feel like i lost my GF and my best friend and i honestly have no one to talk to about how i feel right now that she's gone.

Posted

I was right where you are yesterday. I almost broke NC so many times. I had a full blown panic attack. Well, a couple of them. It was terrifying!! But it passed. Today I feel much better. Still sad and missing him like crazy but I'm much less 'hysterical' for lack of a better word.

It does pass!!! Trust me!

Best of luck in your healing!

Posted

Just get through today. Get angry, you said you can't trust him with your heart. Make up your mind that you will never be with him again. You decide who you love. Breaking no contact will just be one more way of him controlling you don't let that happen. YOU CAN DO IT and we're all behind you.

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Posted

Thanks, everyone. When does it freaking get better?

 

This doesn't make sense. I write what I think, but there's still this huge part of me that just doesn't believe it. Makes excuses for him. Thinks it really was my fault and there just must be SOME way I can fix it.

 

I'm trying to make it through the rest of today. But it's hard.

Posted

As much as it is hard for you, I can relate to what your ex is going through. He needs serious help, otherwise he will never be able to be with ANYONE, nevermind you. I am a jealous person, but not controlling, I am jealous and have trust issues due to my past. Most of it comes from childhood and to add, my ex cheated on me countless times. Perhaps his controlling, jealousy behaviour stems from something deep and dark in his past. By the sounds of things from your story, I think he does love you but he ended it simply because you were a person he loved so much that he was afraid to stay with you in case you did something he feared the most. I think he was a coward to pull the plug, but I do believe he loves you. He needs professional help, because if he doesn't get it.. well, he will treat everyone the way he has treated you when in a relationship. However, you are not to blame, and you most certainly shouldn't have did everything to make feel more comfortable, you should have set ground rules and told him he needs to trust you, he can speak to you about his insecurities as long as he isn't aggressive, insulting, or controlling. He should've spoken to you calmly about it when he ever felt jealous. I think that if he ever gets help and you guys are still in love, it could possibly work. But until then, focus on yourself and move on. Do not worry about him or what he is doing, he will end up a lonely man.

 

Also, don't compare anyone to your ex, your ex is your ex and everyone on this planet is different from him. There will be people who are very non-interesting and not your type at all, and then there is people who you definitely will find interesting, attractive and someone you can actually be with. They are just hard to find. Let them come to you, but for now, do your thing and enjoy a single life.

 

Feel free to message me.

 

Good luck!

  • Author
Posted

Thank you, Apparition. It's nice to get the perspective. I don't know what to think. The way he discarded me after I invested really seemed needlessly cruel and painful.

 

I failed and messaged him. He is still terrible at communicating anything. Misses me. Is pleasant enough. But isn't really initiating much of the conversation. Wish he missed me enough to do something about it.

 

I've done nothing but go out and meet girlfriends. I don't know why he wouldn't trust me.

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