TFG Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Hello. OK. A friend recently died young and this has really made me think about what I want in life. I was dumped along time ago because the relationship was not working. I at the time of the break up also had thought about leaving him. The reason being that I really did not feel I could give him what he wanted or any man for that matter. I was just not in a good place with both my psychological and physical health and it was also the first serious relationship I had where matters of loving each other were said and meant to one another. Unfortunately I did not bow out gracefully. I begged, I pleaded and promised that I would get my **** together. I am not sure I was lying to him. More trying to convince myself that I could achieve that without a lot of time. He did not fall for it and I did not get another chance. With a lot of time I have changed as a person. I have become the person I would want to date. I.e. healthy, positive, well groomed and generally takes care of themselves and has respect and love for themselves. Because having that is essential to being able to provide it to your partner. I have not spoken to my ex for along time. The last contact we had was a message I sent asking for us to speak again. We did not end on bad terms at all. The reality was I would not accept the reality of the situation. Break ups are painful and raw and the best thing was to not communicate with each other until those feelings died down. He had accepted this reality and at most would be polite or indulge me very little in attempts to contact him. I eventually realized that I am not providing what I am promising him. I am promising to change and yet at the same time being really rather pathetic and asking for him back. I thought about if someone in my life kept begging me or telling me they loved me so much. It is weird but it makes you less inclined to want them back. However my feelings have not changed in years towards him. I knew they would not. He is an amazing handsome, smart, educated and sensitive man that I do truly love. But I fear he still if he remembers me at all has an image of me as I was not as I am now. Appearance I think helps. Fortunately in my quest to have a happier and healthier life I have become I would say more attractive and "fitter". How do I reach out to him after all this time? Most things should be left in the past but unfortunately time has not changed my feelings for him. They have just grown. What is the best way of communicating with him in short "I know I was a bad person. I made these mistakes. I am different now and I still love you"?! He is not dating anybody right now. (That is the only piece of information I have sought out about him ). For the reasons being if he was involved I would not get back in contact. It would not be fair on me, him or his new partner and I would stand less of a chance. Do I get on with my life right now? Yes Do I stop myself from dating other people or meeting other people? No But is it him I truly want to be with as a loving long term partner and where my heart belongs? Yes Your advice? To I send a congenial message of "hello"? It seems a little too abstract and is not providing him with any information on why I am getting back in touch and what I want. Which I feel is unfair or is not really giving him anything to respond too. On the other hand sending a message telling him I still have feelings etc after all this time is just not going to translate well. It may just make me seem weird. I have never felt this way about another person before. Yes I have been in love before but when it ended it ended. I didn't truly feel in my heart that I could spend the rest of my life with this person. With him I always have felt that I could and do want to be with him forever. I am really in a difficult position here. I just do not know what is the best way to re-establish contact and for us to talk and see if there is a possibility of a second shot for us. I want to play my cards right and therefore am asking your advice on the best way to go about this! Otherwise I am going to live the rest of my life with the feeling "what if things had gone differently with that man". I do not want to be in the situation where I am with another man and yet in my heart of hearts know the man I really want I am not with. 1
lylat333 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) Hmm... hopefully someone who really knows their stuff gives their input, I don't know the clear answer to this one. First and foremost, I think this is worth pursuit on your part. Otherwise I think you will always look back on this with a lingering "what if?" I also think it's something you will have to be somewhat proactive about, there is no reason for you to sit around and wait and expect him to pursue you considering the state of affairs. Is it easy for you to contact him and see him? Do you have some mutual friends? Ideally I think it would be good if you were both together for some kind of event or get-together. Interacting on a purely platonic basis will give you a chance to show him, not simply tell him that you are a different person. If that goes well enough, you can further pursue it. Maybe spend time again at least 1-2 more times before bringing up anything concerning a romantic relationship. I think after having some positive, platonic interaction it would be an appropriate time to sincerely communicate to him some of your feelings about the past. It's OK and nice to hear genuine remorse from the other person. Don't tell him you want him back yet, just say that you always thought he was a great person, those are the feelings that didn't change and you've remained regretful for mistakes you made. Allow him to react to that... if he stays positive you may have a chance to rekindle things. You may feel uncomfortable pursuing him due to society's standards... it would be great to hear him open up. It may take a little prodding. If everything were to go well, I would straight up ask him, "have you ever thought about giving us a try again?" That should be a big enough clue to let him know where you stand and put the ball in his court. Don't throw yourself at him, be confident in this new and improved person you are. Again, I am no expert, but that's my opinion. Proceed with caution, stay cool, and let things happen. He may or may not feel the same way about you, there's no way to know. If you're a better person now it's not your fault if he doesn't see that. It's his prerogative to not want to give it another chance if that's where his heart lies. But things may go well, you never know. Wishing you the best. Edited August 29, 2013 by lylat333 1
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