MM's bday today

[ladydesigner]

I do know he doesn't want to tell me certain things because he doesn't want to upset me, but that's not lying.

 

My WH didn't want to tell me the full extent of his A because he did not want to upset me. I think it is more of a protecting their own azz kind of mechanism.

[fanine]

No, I haven't talked to him since. He sent me a brief e-mail last night and today, at this very moment, he's on a plane (work travelling). But I'm not gonna mention it. It's useless. I'm sure I won't put up with this for much longer. Right now I just need to find some peace within myself. No more useless fights, repeating the things I've already said 1000 times. It's not in my power to change him, to make him change his life...I've done all I could and a little bit more.

 

I'm feeling a little depressed right now also because of some of the things I read here. Yep, truth hurts. I mean, not everything is true - some people talk with love, others just seem to be bashing in the "can't you see the obvious" kind of way. Don't get me wrong though, I like reading all opinions....I just need to find peace. And realise that maybe, just maybe, I'll never have all the answers.

 

Fact is when we've involved with a MM everything seems to be magnified. The highs higher than high, the lows lower than low. It makes us extra sensitive because I don't think in such a situation anyone can feel fully relaxed and at ease. So the smallest slight is magnified. If they don't return our calls it is because of us, we feel they have gone! If they sound off hand is it because we think we've done something wrong. It is an endless a state of paranoia. In a normal relationship it wouldn't feel quite so much like this. It is like walking on eggshells. The fact is it isn't a normal relationship because there is always an elephant in the room. It makes us feel insecure.

Things we wouldn't worry about in a normal relationship as much are ten times worse. This is what i have learnt from my past experience anyway.

[MissBee]

So I called him to wish him a happy birthday (we're in different towns so wont be together).

 

He had told me days ago that of course I could call, that he was going to work as usual, and that he would never not talk to me on his bday.

 

I called him, but the way he talked...he wasn't at work. He was with her. Or maybe there were other people around, I don't know. Or maybe I'm imagining things. He talked nicely and all that, but briefly, and said "thanks for remembering". Of course I'd remember. We talk everyday, we're "together". So he obviously said that because she (or someone else...) was around and wanted to make it look like it was a normal conversation. He, the one who says he loves me more than anything (but probably doesn't really know the full meaning of love, and also doesn't understand the impact of little things like these on me...).

 

I had been fearing this would happen. That I would call him on a bad time and he would treat me like some old guy friend.

 

And it hurts. He's loving when she' not around, and when she is he makes me feel the last person on earth. He may not realise it, but....I think I'd realise that if I was him.

 

I know, that's just how things work under these circumstances...but it hurts.

 

A similar thing happened to me...it was a wake up call for me that the situation was not normal and no matter how some people claim it is no different, umm...yea ok ...if it's no different, it's not an affair and something else entirely. But certainly a secret relationship where your significant other has another significant other who doesn't know about you is by no means normal...

 

I was really hurt about it when something similar happened.I called, she actually answered, which was very surprising as they didn't live together. I called his land line at 11pm or so as I did it all the time but this time she was there as she had come to visit him unexpectedly (she worked out of town and had a place there). He spoke to me like I was his client and it was very very awkward for me and jarring that clearly you're living in compartments...as when she's not around it's all lovey-dovey and I'm your "gf" but when she's around, you speak to me like I am a client of yours and it's very abrupt smh. This isn't normal and no one should have to experience that. It also really clarified things, i.e. as the OW, you know you are the other because you are the one who knows about the primary partner and who is downplayed in their presence while they are afforded the luxury (not really but you get it) of not knowing a thing about you and living their lives and your existence is hidden from their view and your feelings are the ones which are hurt or trampled on to appease this other person....

 

Overtime these very obvious things became clear to me and I got more and more fed up with it.

[2sunny]

Most people on a plane on a holiday weekend are going on a vacation.

 

My gut says he's passing it off as work - but he's probably going away for the holiday long weekend.

[C00kie]

Most people on a plane on a holiday weekend are going on a vacation.

 

My gut says he's passing it off as work - but he's probably going away for the holiday long weekend.

 

I know for sure it's work. What holiday are you talking about anyway? I live in Europe. No holiday long weekend where I live.

[ladydesigner]

I'm feeling a little depressed right now also because of some of the things I read here. Yep, truth hurts. I mean, not everything is true - some people talk with love, others just seem to be bashing in the "can't you see the obvious" kind of way. Don't get me wrong though, I like reading all opinions....I just need to find peace. And realise that maybe, just maybe, I'll never have all the answers.

 

 

(((C00kie))) I am so sorry you feel this way. The truth hurts for all of us. I am depressed too today and I am a BS. No one deserves to hurt like this.

 

Do you talk to anyone about this situation? Therapist? friend?

 

Get a good support system and if you believe in it, therapy. It helps in so many ways. Also focus on yourself and what YOU need.

[2sunny]

I'm sorry - I misunderstood.

 

I hope you can feel better - be good to yourself!

[C00kie]

(((C00kie))) I am so sorry you feel this way. The truth hurts for all of us. I am depressed too today and I am a BS. No one deserves to hurt like this.

 

Do you talk to anyone about this situation? Therapist? friend?

 

Get a good support system and if you believe in it, therapy. It helps in so many ways. Also focus on yourself and what YOU need.

 

I talk about this very often in a very open way with my mother. Probably the best person, because mums know best (well, mine does ), and probably the worst, because she suffers so much knowing I'm suffering. I also talk about this to a very close girl friend and one guy friend.

 

The therapist is an option. But before I met MM, I saw a therapist (psychologist) for two years to deal with self-esteem issues. I've suffered from anorexia, bulimia, destructive behaviours and borderline personality disorder. Wow, what a plate, right? I got much better, but I am what I am and I am really being and doing the best I can be and do. I kind of feel ashamed to go back to that therapist - he did such a great job, and I got so much better than I was, that I would feel ashamed to go back, as if I had failed (I know, it's stupid to think like this). I know everything must be related - the self esteem issues, the need to be loved, but still. And I wouldn't want any other therapist. This one knows me, my story, all my background. But I kind of feel ashamed to go back and say "well, you remember how I walked out of here a few years ago so much stronger and happy? Well, just look what I made of my life now". You get the idea...

[jlola]

I talk about this very often in a very open way with my mother. Probably the best person, because mums know best (well, mine does ), and probably the worst, because she suffers so much knowing I'm suffering. I also talk about this to a very close girl friend and one guy friend.

 

The therapist is an option. But before I met MM, I saw a therapist (psychologist) for two years to deal with self-esteem issues. I've suffered from anorexia, bulimia, destructive behaviours and borderline personality disorder. Wow, what a plate, right? I got much better, but I am what I am and I am really being and doing the best I can be and do. I kind of feel ashamed to go back to that therapist - he did such a great job, and I got so much better than I was, that I would feel ashamed to go back, as if I had failed (I know, it's stupid to think like this). And I wouldn't want any other therapist. This one knows me, my story, all my background. But I kind of feel ashamed to go back and say "well, you remember how I walked out of here a few years ago so much stronger and happy? Well, just look what I made of my life now". You get the idea...

 

 

What do your mother and your friends think about your situation? Very wise to tell them. I believe it is best to tell people who love us what is going on. They want the best for us.

[jlola]

My WH didn't want to tell me the full extent of his A because he did not want to upset me. I think it is more of a protecting their own azz kind of mechanism.

 

I have been in relationships that were toxic and the excuse "not telling me everything" was out of love and protection always angered me. I have the right to know what is going on. I have the right to judge for myself is I needed to be protected from the truth.

 

But facts are, the truth is kept from you to control the situation. To keep the other person confused.

 

CPrncess, you need to somehow speak with the wife. Fill in the pieces of the puzzle for yourself and BS. MM is the puppet master here.

[bentleychic]

No, I haven't talked to him since. He sent me a brief e-mail last night and today, at this very moment, he's on a plane (work travelling). But I'm not gonna mention it. It's useless. I'm sure I won't put up with this for much longer. Right now I just need to find some peace within myself. No more useless fights, repeating the things I've already said 1000 times. It's not in my power to change him, to make him change his life...I've done all I could and a little bit more.

 

I'm feeling a little depressed right now also because of some of the things I read here. Yep, truth hurts. I mean, not everything is true - some people talk with love, others just seem to be bashing in the "can't you see the obvious" kind of way. Don't get me wrong though, I like reading all opinions....I just need to find peace. And realise that maybe, just maybe, I'll never have all the answers.

 

(((C00kie))) It's hard to hear the truth, for sure and some people aren't so good at the way that they phrase things for sure.

 

I feel stupid even being here b/c I KNOW the score, I see the obvious, I know what I need to and should do...but here I sit, still stuck in this A b/c that's what I am choosing. For the next year, anyway. (I know people will see this and say oh yeah! That's what all OW say and then they keep staying! I'm stubborn, though. LOL If things haven't changed, you can be sure I'm walking. )

 

It's been a rough week with us and I was asking myself the other day why I'm still here and it truly all boils down to the fact that I love him more than I've ever loved anyone except for my children and if "wasting" another year of my life to see if things work out with a person that I feel a love that strongly for...then I waste it. (Or maybe I'm one of the minority and it's not wasted and actually works out. Time will tell.) I know many will chalk it up to affair fog, fake love, yadda, yadda. I'm under no fog. I know the deal, I am very much in touch with reality (and ouch sometimes, btw!). When I commit to something I say I'm going to do, I see it through. May be bad in this case, but I told him I'd give my all for a year if he does as well and that's what I plan to do UNLESS (and he knows the unless stipulations very well, including continuing for certain things to happen towards the D).

 

Good luck (((C00kie)))

[ladydesigner]

I talk about this very often in a very open way with my mother. Probably the best person, because mums know best (well, mine does ), and probably the worst, because she suffers so much knowing I'm suffering. I also talk about this to a very close girl friend and one guy friend.

 

The therapist is an option. But before I met MM, I saw a therapist (psychologist) for two years to deal with self-esteem issues. I've suffered from anorexia, bulimia, destructive behaviours and borderline personality disorder. Wow, what a plate, right? I got much better, but I am what I am and I am really being and doing the best I can be and do. I kind of feel ashamed to go back to that therapist - he did such a great job, and I got so much better than I was, that I would feel ashamed to go back, as if I had failed (I know, it's stupid to think like this). I know everything must be related - the self esteem issues, the need to be loved, but still. And I wouldn't want any other therapist. This one knows me, my story, all my background. But I kind of feel ashamed to go back and say "well, you remember how I walked out of here a few years ago so much stronger and happy? Well, just look what I made of my life now". You get the idea...

 

That's great you are close with your mother. There is no shame in therapy. It has helped me stand on my own two feet again since my WH's A. You are the most important person that needs to be taken care of, remember that, not the MM.

 

I thought the same that my old therapist (treated me for my sexual abuse) would be the only one to help me, but I did find another. One who really helped me look deep and it is VERY uncomfortable, but I am coming out to the other side more aware and stronger.

 

BTW I have a lot of the same issues you described some before my WH's A some I developed after.

 

I wish you all the best in this situation and do hope that you find some peace as well.

[bentleychic]

Thanks Get It Right. IF he's being truthful with me (yes, I know people will jump on that part! He's been VERY truthful with things with me that have actually hurt so I don't know why he'd start lying now when he could have easily lied about those), I think there's a good chance. I was going to private message you to tell you specifics of our story that I'm not comfortable posting in public lest s/he come upon it (mainly his W), but you can't get pm's, yet. Drat!

[C00kie]

What do your mother and your friends think about your situation? Very wise to tell them. I believe it is best to tell people who love us what is going on. They want the best for us.

 

My mother knows him because me and MM are distant (very very very distant) family and that's how we all met. We have some common background from like 60 years ago and that's all.

 

Well, I'm REALLY not saying this because she is my mother, but she is a very wise and intelligent person. You know the type of person you can't fool, the type of person who won't fall for beautiful words and smiles? That's my mum, she sees right through. What she always tells me is that I have to be happy and, if I'm not, I must find another way. She says she's positive that he loves me, and when I ask her if she thinks we'll ever be together, she says "I don't know. That's possible, however, it won't be in your timeframe. He has a lot of fears, fear of judgement, fear of the unknown, fear of not having enough money to stand aloned, and there's no way he'll leave his son before he goes to college. But he loves you, he's selfish, yes, he is, but he loves you. However, you're not happy, and if you're not happy, just talk to him and tell him you won't take it".

 

And then I tell her: but if he's selfish, how can he love me? Love is not selfish and unconsiderate. If he loves me, why does he put up a front so that she doesn't find out? Answer: "well, you know how he is. Wants to be friends with God and the Devil. He doesn't want any problems and that can keep him from solving his life. He's being selfish yes".

 

She never gave me the "you deserve better" speech, or tried to vilify him. My friends were a bit more harsh, but after meeting him they changed their tone. They say he loves me and that maybe someday he'll work it out.

 

So yes, I think I have a good mother and good friends, but I'm trying not to believe them right now. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I just wanna lay in silence, in the dark and find some peace, honestly.

[jlola]

.

 

And then I tell her: but if he's selfish, how can he love me? Love is not selfish and unconsiderate. If he loves me, why does he put up a front so that she doesn't find out? Answer: "well, you know how he is. Wants to be friends with God and the Devil. He doesn't want any problems and that can keep him from solving his life. He's being selfish yes".

 

I have been raised by a father who is a selfish narcissist. all my life I have heard from my mother and everyone in my family the exact same words. It must be some old school thinking or something. They have repeated verbatim the "well, you know how he is speech. As if we have to accept how he is.

 

I am the only one who argues just because tis is how he is,does not make it acceptable. My mother's generation has a low expectation of men and love. I say love has integrity ,love is realistic,love at times will have consequences and require sacrifice.

 

I have family members who are young. Just got married. Left our country and living with family in the U.S.A till they can get their own apartment. They are both working and planning college This means, they not only have little tie together. But they also have people around all the time. They sleep on a living room couch.

 

But it was my cousin's husband's dream to come to the U.S. and gain opportunity. So she sacrificed a comfortable life at home with her parents to struggle in the U.s. with the man she loves. She is young. Does not go out dancing,cannot afford new clothes, has to wait till they can afford to have a baby. But she is willing. I know many stories like that in my family and with many immigrants who do not even speak the language,have no money, and sometimes have to live in a dump for awhile. they struggle and face consequences and hardships together. But love motivates them to do so.