Unsure how to proceed.

[FennecFox]

Hi,

 

I'll try and make this as concise as possible. Roughly two years ago my girlfriend of four years split up with me, she'd met another guy and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't bother trying to contact her. Instead I looked at the bright side and told myself I could find a nice trustworthy girl now.

 

While we were together I had a friend (nothing more than that) who I met online. She's from another country but she is without a doubt the most honest and kind-hearted girl I know. I went to her because I needed that feeling of security I think and she has done nothing but provide me with it. She came to visit me and we spent two weeks together, everything felt awesome.

 

We've been "together" or more accurately faithful to each other over a distance for a year now. I've never cheated on her and she (to the full extent of my knowledge) has never been unfaithful to me despite the huge distance between us. We talk every single night, text every day, watch movies/play games together. She's basically my best friend. She also has Crohn's Disease (a rather advanced form which means she has an ileostomy). I knew this before we got involved and I'm completely okay with it. In fact I wanted her even more because I hated the fact that other guys passed over her because of it. She deserved something special and I was determined to give it to her.

 

I've become close to another girl recently, one who lives close to me and I can see every day. I knew it was a bad idea to spend time with this girl, even as friends. She's young (5 years younger than me... I'm 24, she's 19), attractive, smart, kind and she has made it very clear that she likes me. The thing is I think that I may be developing feelings for her too, it's gotten to the point where it's her name I want to see when my phone goes, it's her I want to spend my evenings with.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm well aware that my feelings are distorted because of the distance. When the first girl came to visit everything felt perfect but since then adjusting to the pain of her absence has made me more distant. I tend to make excuses for not being online just so I can have an hour or two to myself. Sometimes I have really black moods and don't check my phone or e-mail or anything for a day or two which really worries her.

 

The problem is that it’s going to be hard for us to ever close this distance, she lacks the skills to apply for a work visa without first securing a position which is impossible because she isn’t here which means the other option would be immigration via marriage. This isn’t even on the table yet as I don’t earn enough to go down this route, yet. But even when I do I’m not sure that it would give us enough time to adjust to living together before we had to marry.

 

I feel entirely to blame for my confusion. As I said, I knew it was a bad idea to be friends with this new girl I just have very few friends to spend time with outside of work and truthfully, the high-maintenance of my relationship with the first girl makes it so I can't do anything. Up until very recently, every night was getting home from work and spending all my time with her. I wouldn’t even sleep enough... I still don’t. I live on around four hours sleep a night because of the time difference and the fact that I still need to do other things like eat and shower.

 

I just don’t know what to do. Am I being naive by believing that this long distance thing can work out in the end? I know the success rate of these kind of relationships is very low but I feel an obligation to her. I made a promise and I don’t want to break that. She has very few friends too and the thought of her being alone, without me to fall back on, makes me feel sick. But at what point does that self-sacrifice become foolish? Am I even doing right by her by playing this role? I feel horrible pangs of guilt for the times that I'm not there, the times that I make excuses and for hanging out with this other girl.

 

Should I be honest with her and tell her that I don’t think that it’s working out? Should I then seek affection from this other girl? The other girl is wonderful as I said but I don’t know her as well. Is it just the initial excitement that is causing me to feel this way? I know that I have my doubts because of the age difference. We have a ridiculous amount of common ground but there are still areas where we differ. I don’t drink, or go out very often. I also don’t socialise much (partly through choice, partly because of time) whereas she is very social, has a lot of friends and goes out a lot. Since she met me we’ve just done regular one-on-one things together which has suited me much better, movies and hanging out etc. but if that changes I’m not sure I can be what she wants in other areas. I don't even know what she wants.

[Soat]

Yep,end it with your online chat buddy. (Though there isn't anything to end here). Anyway, Ldr rarely work. And you've never even spent time with this girl, so you're mostly just coming up with fantasy about her -- displacement of your cheating ex feelings. Be her online friend, but you guys were never dating.

[FennecFox]

Thanks for the advice, Soat. We did meet each other. I mentioned that in my post.

 

I do agree that it was a way of dealing with the pain of my ex-girlfriend. I didn't feel like the break-up was my fault so I went searching for all the characteristics I felt she lacked. Reliability, trustworthiness etc.

 

The thing is this decision isn't just about what I want. I want to do the right thing. I just don't know what the right thing is.

 

Right now I see a potential future with the younger girl but that does not mean that one exists. I'm a victim of my own chemical process and because of that my judgement is impaired. Those same chemical processes do not act the same way in a LDR. It doesn't mean that the affection is any less valid, it just means your body isn't pumping out pleasure chemicals and hormones for her the way it is when you see a girl in the flesh, become accustomed to her smell and her smile.

 

While the online girl; she is all the things I needed in somebody. But it may not be possible to really make it work.

[Soat]

Yep. You know what needs to be done. I've seen your other posts, you have your head on right listen to logic not the hormones