Newbie needing some relationship / s..

[ddit83]

Hi all,

 

Let me first start by saying this is a great site and I am surprised that I haven't discovered it sooner! After spending a lot of time reading peoples threads in the search for advice I finally have decided to post one of my own. I won't spend too long with introductions but lets just say I am not new to relationships and the newbie comment above was related to the forum!

 

Anyways, I am a 30 year old male currently in a relationship and I consider myself to be a nice guy, hence me coming here for advice rather than just thinking of myself and doing the necessary.

 

My relationship started around 18 months ago to my partner who is currently 33. She is a great girl, very caring and thoughtful and would do anything for me however despite all of that I have a problem. Previous to her I was not in a relationship for around 2 years, I lived in my own house and whilst I am not one for partying and class myself as an introvert I absolutely loved the single life. I got to do what I wanted when I wanted, I answered to nobody and I spent time with family and my friend how I saw fit. I did have a s*x life, it was fairly open with a girl I knew from work and we both had the same intentions.. we both didn't want a relationship because we were completely different people however we both had our desires for one another so it just came down to that which may seem awful to some people but we both were very happy with it and the s*x was absolutely fantastic, she would come round when it was suitable for us both and I am sure you know the rest... Anyways, it was safe to say I was happy, there were times when I was lonely and wanted a partner because I thought having one would make everything complete but I wasn't depending on it nor was I in a desperate search.

 

Then came my current GF, I met her one day at the gym and things went from there. As soon as I realised things were progressing and before we actually became a couple I had ended it with the previous girl and told her I didn't want to be unfair to either and that was the end of it however I was seriously upset as I was giving up a perfect situation I was more than happy with and enjoyed for this new girl. Unlike a lot of guys I guess you could say I thought with my brain and followed what I considered to be right for someone I would have a future with.

 

Although the new girl was great in compatibility from almost every angle and I found her very pretty there was no real spark for desire even from day one like I had with the previous girl. I put it down to me just stopping what I enjoyed and assumed over time it would improve which to a small degree it did but it was never right at all and she did pick up on it. I would just tell her that I didn't have a strong s*x drive just to avoid hurting her feelings and would bury my head in the sand hoping things would get better. This new girl had her own place as well and we used to stay together almost every night, alternating between homes and going out for days out, meals etc and the positives kept the areas we were lacking in away for a while.

 

After 12 months of living between houses we decided to rent her property out to her friend whilst she came to stay with me. 6 months on and I am feeling extremely unhappy and I know she isn't as happy as she used to be as well. I enjoyed having my own place, I kept it spotlessly clean and I was a very organised and independent guy that did all my chores and kept everything up to date. She on the other hand, albeit clean is a little messy which I must admit does cause arguments from time to time but I suppose this is the bedding in period so we have just bickered and gone with it. Other than that though the relationship seems to have become stale, we have a routine and each day just seems more boring than the next. A few days a week we go to the gym (usually together) when we aren't in work, one of the days her family comes round for tea and the other is the day I used to like to relax in front of the TV which I now do with her. On the weekends we tend to go out some place nice for the day which is usually an ok experience but I must admit I would rather be doing something else on my own and then Sunday I spend time with family and my friend. Of the week, Sunday is the day I look forward to most.

 

My girlfriend is still great with me, she makes a big effort on everything but I just can't get away from feeling this unhappiness. I feel like I am trapped and despite my best efforts to talk to her about it have no alone time to myself which I used to love. Due to these issues the little s*x we were having as completely vanished and my thoughts of going back to the single life where I was happy just keep filling my head. The girl I used to see where things were fun (although I have no future with) are still available to me and I know that but I dont know what to do for the best. This current girlfriend has great qualities and I am worried that if I leave her i will be making a mistake but at the same time don't ever see things improving due to the way my mind currently is. Even if I got my space my head would be elsewhere and due to the lack of attraction it really makes things harder because I don't think I could ever improve on it since I have given it 18 months already. Her lease on her house is due up in a month so I feel like I am running out of time to do something about it, in one way I would like her to go back home and the thought of the freedom excites me but on the other I cant help worrying I will be letting somebody go who I care for very much. I feel I am being unfair to her, she talks about a future with marriage, kids and even selling up both of our houses to get one together but all of that scares me and I think she knows that. I just say to her right now I am not ready but then I question myself think to myself, will I ever be?

 

I am not sure on the right way to go with this so I was desperately searching for opinions on you fine folk to see if you had ever been through anything similar or if just for an insider looking in what you would suggest? I don't have a lot of friends outside of work, only the one guy and all he ever says is "just see how it goes" but I have been doing that for a few months and I feel like I am just again burying my head back in the sand. I hope this post is not to long and I hope people will spend the time to help, your feedback would be more than appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[Philosoraptor]

Sadly without that spark it's hard to make a romantic relationship last. Sometimes compatibility just makes good friends, not a good relationship. It doesn't sound like you're happy with your sex life nor with her living with you.

 

Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life unhappy with this woman? If not, why continue to do so now?

[ddit83]

Thanks Philosoraptor. I do see your point however I haven't always been this unhappy, the relationship may have caused more friction whilst we are living together. A lot of which I admit is probabably down to myself, I guess I am just worried I am throwing away something i have with such a great relationship and if there was anyway to create this spark then I would be happy to try?

 

If I prefer being single and living alone then maybe I will be for the rest of my life, in some ways i would r happy but in others it scares me to death. Although I am an Independant guy and would and have even been away on holiday alone and enjoyed it I am worried I will never find somebody I would be comfortable sharing my space with?

 

In regards to the s*x life is there anybody who has experienced the same as is there anything you could recommend to help or am I right in listening to the post above?

 

Thanks all for your help.

[Philosoraptor]

Have you talked to her about the living situation and sex life? This is an issue only the two of you can solve. It may not be a plesant conversation, but if you work as a team you can build a more fulfilling romantic life. Living together is always a source of conflict, and one the two of you need to set some ground rules about and build a baseline together that both of you can be happy with.

 

Communication is important here, and is so in every situation. If you can talk about it and figure out a path to improve things, you may be able to make this relationship more fulfilling. If you talk about it and can't compromise or communicating causes more issues, you'll know that this is more a compatibility problem. Hiding from the issues and burying your head in the sand doesn't fix things. Avoidance only allows issues to grow, it takes action from the two people in the relationship to correct the issues and allow the relationship to flourish.

[ddit83]

Thanks again, in regards to talking how you suggest I progress? Communication is only good if we are being honest and how do I tell her that I don't find her attractive in that way without hurting her?

 

More so, a lot of this is down to me and not her. I have discussed the possibility of our relationship taking a step back where she moved home and we go from there as I didn't feel I was ready to settle down and live together fully knowing that if she did I would have my space and I am sure things would improve even of only slightly with the s*x life but she refused saying she wouldn't do that and it would be a waste of time. I can see her concerns but I feel for me that would sort the problem, to continue with her here involves compromise and scarifice which we are both willing to do but look where it has got us so far.

 

Thanks for your help philosoraptor.. I'm not sure if anybody else has any views?

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks again, in regards to talking how you suggest I progress? Communication is only good if we are being honest and how do I tell her that I don't find her attractive in that way without hurting her?

You can't say that without hurting her. I wouldn't say that at all actually. Explain to her that you would like to get a bigger spark in the bedroom.

 

Are you not attracted to her at all physically? Or is it something she does or doesn't do that turns you off?

 

More so, a lot of this is down to me and not her. I have discussed the possibility of our relationship taking a step back where she moved home and we go from there as I didn't feel I was ready to settle down and live together fully knowing that if she did I would have my space and I am sure things would improve even of only slightly with the s*x life but she refused saying she wouldn't do that and it would be a waste of time. I can see her concerns but I feel for me that would sort the problem, to continue with her here involves compromise and scarifice which we are both willing to do but look where it has got us so far.

 

Thanks for your help philosoraptor.. I'm not sure if anybody else has any views?

I can understand both views here. I'd say start with trying to find a compromise here for living together. Figure out how you'd like things and how the two of you can accomidate each other while living together. Maybe communication, compromise, and woking as a team would help the sex life as well. Might bring you closer if you are able to make this work together and build more romance.

[TigerCub]

Thanks again, in regards to talking how you suggest I progress? Communication is only good if we are being honest and how do I tell her that I don't find her attractive in that way without hurting her?

 

More so, a lot of this is down to me and not her. I have discussed the possibility of our relationship taking a step back where she moved home and we go from there as I didn't feel I was ready to settle down and live together fully knowing that if she did I would have my space and I am sure things would improve even of only slightly with the s*x life but she refused saying she wouldn't do that and it would be a waste of time. I can see her concerns but I feel for me that would sort the problem, to continue with her here involves compromise and scarifice which we are both willing to do but look where it has got us so far.

 

Thanks for your help philosoraptor.. I'm not sure if anybody else has any views?

 

Your girl is an idiot.

You have clearly said to her that you want her to go back to her own place, that you are not ready to live together and she "refused".

UGH, it sounds like she really doesn't have much self respect.

 

The lack of sex, the fights and the general discomfort are not lost on her.

She feels all that crap too - I just wonder why she insists on staying.

 

You remind me of my exbf.

It's almost the exact same story.

I moved in with him (against my better judgement) after ~2 years.

We didn't even make it 7 months living together.

 

Like you, he's an introvert. He lived on his own in his parent's empty house for so long and got used to it. He offered the move in thing without being ready, and after I moved in, he would pick fights with me about the stupidest ****. The sex dwindled and neither one of us was happy.

 

That, coupled with a porn addiction on his part, (which only became obvious once we lived together) really sealed the deal.

 

He too said at the end that maybe he isn't meant to be with anyone. Yet after we decided to break up, he still said that he didn't mean a lot of the things he had said earlier and pretty much didn't want us to break up.

 

I moved out at the 7 month mark. I was glad to be free of his neurotic behavior, but after a while I actually got mad - that he offered the move in bulls**t, he talked marriage, etc when he clearly wasn't ready.

 

I'm not the girl for him, I may have never been his type (like you are expressing about your girl), and yet he felt completely fine with wasting my time.

 

No one but really damaged and broken people want to settle for being with someone that's not truly into them.

 

Man up and do the right thing, break up with her while she has time to get back to her apartment.

 

Yes, it may be awkward and sad and whatever else, but in the long run it will be the kind thing.

 

My jackass ex didn't have the balls to do that, he just emotionally abused me enough until I was the one to end it. And that is cowardly.

 

Don't waste more of her time just because you are afraid you will not find someone later down the road.

 

If you're unhappy, chances are she's unhappy too but clinging for the same reasons you are. Don't give her a suggestion or an option to go back home. Break up with her, then it will be a fact, not a question.

 

Obviously I feel strongly about this issue because I was in the gf's shoes (to some degree - for me, if he had asked me to leave, I wouldn't have refused, I'd have enough pride to say 'ok, peace out'). But just because she's week and desperate doesn't mean you should take advantage of her.

 

If you're not into her, leave her.

[salparadise]

I'm not sure if anybody else has any views?

 

It sounds like you pretty well understand that you don't have what it takes with the current girlfriend to to make a life with her. She's pushing to move forward toward marriage and children while you talk of backing up and just being comfortably single but with a girlfriend. At age 33 it's no wonder she's wanting to move forward since she's family minded. It's not fair to her to waste her time if you know that you don't want a future with her.

 

I would think that at age 30 you'd at least have in mind to date seriously––to be looking for a life partner and not wasting time on people who don't have that potential. Of course it's not wrong if you don't want that for yourself, but it is wrong to keep your girlfriend on hold if that's the case.

 

Be true to yourself, and true to her. If that means letting her go then that's what you should do. And for heaven's sake, do not tell her it's because she's not attractive enough––that's just f*ckin cruel. Explain that it's because the relationship isn't what you want, that you can't see a future for the two of you, and therefore it's best that you end it so that both of you will have a chance at finding happiness with someone else. Don't go into detail even if she tries to get you to. Be kind and leave her with her pride and self-esteem intact.

[imfine]

Be very careful comparing your previous arrangement with your current relationship. A fun FWB doesn't require the same commitment. Think about what you really want from life. Regardless of whether you want to be single or committed it sounds like your current girlfriend isn't for you long term.

 

I can just about guarantee if you tell your current girl that you miss the sex with your old girl therefore you've lied about having a low sex drive, the problem will take care of itself. You might want to wear a helmet, safety glasses & wrap in bubble wrap if you disclose that little nugget to her. No one likes to be strung along.

[clia]

As an introvert, I completely understand your need for your own space. That's a huge reason why I've never wanted to live with any of my boyfriends. I was afraid of the exact result that you seem to have -- not enough alone time and that smothered feeling.

 

Do you think that if you got sufficient alone time other things might be more positive for you about the relationship? Have you discussed this with her? Is your place big enough where you have your own space, like a man cave or somewhere you can go and shut the door to get alone time? I think sometimes non-introverts don't realize how draining even watching television with another person can be, and how strong the need to just be alone and have your own space is. Obviously there are many introverts out there who successfully live with other people, so I think you need to have a conversation (or twenty) with her to find the right balance for the two of you. I strongly believe you can find that balance. You just have to make clear to her that you aren't ignoring or abandoning her when you go off to do your own thing, and that you will be back refreshed and better for it.

 

Although I don't live with my boyfriend, he and I have had this conversation in the past, because he likes us to be together all the time, and I need a lot more time by myself than he does. After several (LOL...it took him awhile to get it because he's such an extrovert) conversations, he now gets it. He's learned to tell when I am dying for time alone, so he leaves me alone. He even leaves me completely alone one day of the week with no texts, calls, or anything. Part of me even thinks maybe we could live together some day, but we wouldn't be here without a lot of communication and discussion about it.

 

The thing is, if you don't feel you can ever happily live with her or have a decent sex life with her, I don't know that there is any point in continuing the relationship. If she wants marriage, kids, and all that, it is important that you express your doubts to her so she can leave the relationship if she chooses. (At 33, her time is starting to run out for having kids. Don't waste it.) But ultimately...you don't sound like you are very into her. I don't see why you would want to continue in a relationship where you are so unhappy, even if everything looks so great on paper. Seems like a bad way to live your life.

[ddit83]

I appreciate all of the responses you have left, it is helpful to get an outsiders perspective and also to hear stories you have experienced yourself.

 

Tigerclub, your post came across as extremely angered. I can see why from what you wrote but please don't assume I play mind games with my gf because I don't. I wouldn't say to her I didn't find her attractive nor would I argue with her over stupid things, the arguments are due to disagreements which I am sure we all have even in the best relationships. I am not defending your ex but maybe I see a slight comparison to myself in the way he behaved.. yes he asked you to move in and yes he sounds like he enjoyed the single life also but until you give things a shot how will you ever know? When my gf and I agreed to move in together I honestly thought it would be the eat thig we could do, sharing life and experiences together would be perfect. Up until recently and from reading forums I didn't even realise the psychology between introverts and extroverts so this was something I discovered about myself too late but yes I realise I am an introvert now. I have discussed this with her, I have shown her the websites and made her understand exacty how my mind works but still she doesn't understand and guilts me for wanting alone time from time to time.

 

I guess we aren't matched and I see this now, the problem is that lately we have gotten on very well together. That isn't to say I want to pick a fight in the hope it gives me an excuse to get rid but it does make my decision all the more harder. A lot of you say to sit down and talk and to some degree we have as I have just mentioned but some topics do result in her becoming aggressive and unreasonable so I just step back and don't continue..

 

I think I need to assess my life, the thing is I look at my mum who I lost to cancer a few years ago and in a lot of ways I see myself. She divorced when I was two and never remarried not dated after that and she was extremely happy. She enjoyed her own company, travelled alone and when we were old enough she did what made her happy and that is who I believe I am right now. That isn't to say in one years time I wouldn't want children and in all honesty the girl I am with now would make a perfect mother to them, she is everything I could ask for and this is why I can't understand how I have no s*xual spark or desire. She is a very pretty girl and I know she is but there I just something missing I can't put my finger on.

 

This thread has given me a lot to read and a lot of views which I am glad of but from reading some responses I do feel quite bad for what I have said and want to establish that my intentions are good and I am here because I care. I do love this girl and I do feel I will be lost without her but as you said she is 33 and what happens in one year if I still feel the same, maybe we have wasted both our time? I would like to resolve it Philosoraptor but I think this is an issue with myself and I hold my hands up to it, maybe I will leave this girl and it will be the biggest mistake of my life and that is what scares me..

[TigerCub]

Hey ddit,

 

Maybe my post sounded angry, but I am not angry with you.

The scenario you described just hit too close to home.

 

Your intentions aren't bad towards your girl, just like I know that my ex didn't cause the damage he did on purpose or with any malicious intent, but the result was still painful.

 

I just believe that if someone doesn't feel that their partner is their type, or if for whatever reason they just don't feel it for them then the kind thing is to let them go so that they can be free to find someone who will.

 

I wish you luck and hope that both you and your girl can be happy.

[ddit83]

Thanks Tigerclub. I just think on a compatibility level she is 90% there, sure we bicker over a few things but nobody is perfect.

 

The problem I have is with 1. Alone time which really will never be resolved since even though it is my house I share my space and there is no get away. And 2. The lack of physical attraction, even from day one I can honestly say there was something missing and I don't understand why because she is pretty.

 

I kind of know what had to be done and some days ifeel fine about it and believe it will be a relief and ill be happy and then days like today when I feel a little vulnerable I feel like I am going to make the wrong decision and regret it forever. Why can't things be simple..

[dichotomy]

First you did well in droping FWB when you got involved with new GF. You are a standup guy. Very decent of you.

 

My perception is this - its you - and not GF. Your not ready to live together with someone, to compromise your life style and let go.

 

90% compatibility is a notable find for most people and would lead to a good marriage. I just sense your not ready and may not be for a long while. Thats fine - its okay for you. Let GF find the guy for her okay?

[ddit83]

I have taken the advice from here and from what I believed I should do and have spoken to my gf today. I tried to find the best way to explain telling her it was me who wasn't ready and that I felt like I didn't have the alone time I needed and just generally it wasn't working. I knew at times she hasn't been happy and I hated the thought of that so told her I loved her and cared and as hard as it was wanted the best for her so we have split up.

 

It's only been three hours and I feel so down it is untrue, I am going to miss her like crazy part of me is already questioning if what I have done is the right thing, I loved her to pieces an it broke my heart to see her upset today

[TigerCub]

I have taken the advice from here and from what I believed I should do and have spoken to my gf today. I tried to find the best way to explain telling her it was me who wasn't ready and that I felt like I didn't have the alone time I needed and just generally it wasn't working. I knew at times she hasn't been happy and I hated the thought of that so told her I loved her and cared and as hard as it was wanted the best for her so we have split up.

 

It's only been three hours and I feel so down it is untrue, I am going to miss her like crazy part of me is already questioning if what I have done is the right thing, I loved her to pieces an it broke my heart to see her upset today

 

Hey ddit,

 

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain right now.

I know that you care for her a lot, but I think you did the right thing.

If you can't even be attracted to her - then she's not the girl for you, no matter how much you try to make her 'fit' into what you want.

 

She may be a great girl, but just because she is, doesn't mean that she is right for you.

 

I know you have doubts about the break up now, but try to resist the urge to call her up and say that you didn't mean it and want to try again, because if you can't feel for her like a partner should, then this will just repeat and cause pain to both of you all over again.

 

Trust your gut.

 

I think (for whatever it's worth) that you did the kind thing.

 

Hang in there, it will pass.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

OP you did the right thing. It frees your XGF up to find someone who can love her fully and allows you to be alone, or to find someone more comparable to you.

 

Best of luck.