mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Hey guys, So recently I just got out of a relationship, it wasn't that long (4-5 months?) but it was pretty special and the ending was really messy. I'm having trouble with my life career-wise and I recently failed to land a job I had worked so hard for, and during all that turmoil, I showed a pretty bad side of me. One night we were out at a bar, we were both drinking a bit and on the way back I kind of just exploded about all my problems, nearly ran the car out of the highway etc. She was pretty dissapointed... Anyways, a week went by and I tried to apologize but she wasn't having it. I left her alone for a bit and one night I called and it seemed like she wanted to break up but I asked for one more chance... a few days later I called and hinted at breaking up (I was so confused and hurt) and she said you've been acting so weird I'm not comfortable anymore I want to start from the beginning (I guess break up) Now she's back with her ex-bf (a quickfire rebound). I feel like I can still get her back.. I haven't called her for 2 weeks now.. and on her instagram she posts pictures of her ex-bf, I kinda get the feeling she's doing it just to piss me off.. So my question is should I call her anytime soon? Or should I leave it and wait for her to contact me? Will she forget about me and get more comfy w her ex if I don't call? I don't know... I guess one phone call here and there wouldn't hurt... but what do you guys think? Thanks..
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 First of all, you need to go No Contact. And you aren't in No Contact if you are checking her Instagram, or any social media. Block/delete her from all of that stuff immediately. Second of all, no you should not because it would be a disaster. Two weeks isn't a long time at all and emotions are still going to be high on both sides. Also, she's in a relationship with someone else and any intrusion by yourself is going to make you look like a douchebag in her mind. You need to stay away from her for the forseeable future -- I'm talking months. You need to get whatever crap that caused you to go nuts under control before even considering getting back in touch with her. Contact with her now, or anytime soon, would be like throwing a match into a gas tank. As far as getting her back, that's completely up to her. There's nothing you can do to get her back -- the only thing you can do is further drive her away. And if you are dumb enough to follow up on the "one phone call here and there wouldn't hurt", that's exactly what you'll do. It's time for you to break off all communication/correspondence and get yourself reset. Then you can revisit this question in months if you choose to do so. 2
Author mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 First of all, you need to go No Contact. And you aren't in No Contact if you are checking her Instagram, or any social media. Block/delete her from all of that stuff immediately. Second of all, no you should not because it would be a disaster. Two weeks isn't a long time at all and emotions are still going to be high on both sides..................... That's what I thought........... but I still love her you know? So couldn't really think straight.. thanks for that
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 That's what I thought........... but I still love her you know? So couldn't really think straight.. thanks for that I'm sure you do. But unless she wants it, it doesn't matter how much you love her unfortunately.
btyoung21 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'm sure you do. But unless she wants it, it doesn't matter how much you love her unfortunately. True. There's only so much you can do at this point. The only harmless gesture would probably be to write her a sincere apology letter (if you feel so) and leave her alone indefinitely (NC). Trying to court her and going 100% effort to show your love will most likely just backfire. Like Simon said; throwing lit matches to a gas tank. I know there are many questions in your mind like; you just said you loved me and promised the world and now you're with someone else? Or why did we even break-up? These feeling is natural. No-contact will make you realize all the mistakes (both parties) made and you'll have some clarity. I'm only on a few days NC and I've realized a lot of mistakes I made. I don't think I'll realize these things If we kept bugging each other. NC works wonders for yourself. If and when you're ready, then try to reach out. But don't rush it.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 True. There's only so much you can do at this point. The only harmless gesture would probably be to write her a sincere apology letter (if you feel so) and leave her alone indefinitely (NC). Trying to court her and going 100% effort to show your love will most likely just backfire. Like Simon said; throwing lit matches to a gas tank. I know there are many questions in your mind like; you just said you loved me and promised the world and now you're with someone else? Or why did we even break-up? These feeling is natural. No-contact will make you realize all the mistakes (both parties) made and you'll have some clarity. I'm only on a few days NC and I've realized a lot of mistakes I made. I don't think I'll realize these things If we kept bugging each other. NC works wonders for yourself. If and when you're ready, then try to reach out. But don't rush it. I totally disagree with a letter. Letters are bad news.
Author mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 True. There's only so much you can do at this point. The only harmless gesture would probably be to write her a sincere apology letter (if you feel so) and leave her alone indefinitely (NC)..... Yeah thanks sometimes you just feel like.. will she think I'm giving up? or will she forget about me? But I think you're right.. she's quite childish sometimes she's much younger than me.. so I don't really know what the correct strategy is.. I already said sorry.. And if I said sorry again.. she will be pissed off and reminded don't you think? oh Love is a toxic toxic thing..
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Yeah thanks sometimes you just feel like.. will she think I'm giving up? or will she forget about me? But I think you're right.. she's quite childish sometimes she's much younger than me.. so I don't really know what the correct strategy is.. I already said sorry.. And if I said sorry again.. she will be pissed off and reminded don't you think? oh Love is a toxic toxic thing.. She gave up when she broke up with you. You have nothing to prove to her. The correct strategy is to work on yourself. There is no magic button or foolproof plan to get your ex back. You gotta do you. No more talking to her.
Author mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 She gave up when she broke up with you. You have nothing to prove to her. The correct strategy is to work on yourself. There is no magic button or foolproof plan to get your ex back. You gotta do you. No more talking to her. harsh. but maybe you're right.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 harsh. but maybe you're right. When someone breaks up with you, they have given you up. It's not harsh, it's the truth. The sooner you accept that you are broken up, the better and quicker you can move forward.
Author mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 It's sad you know. When it could've been something cool and fun and greater.. and nothing was really wrong.. and you just totally messed it all up..
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 It's sad you know. When it could've been something cool and fun and greater.. and nothing was really wrong.. and you just totally messed it all up.. Yeah, it sucks. That's why most of us found this place. But it's really out of your hands at this point.
Author mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 When someone breaks up with you, they have given you up. It's not harsh, it's the truth. The sooner you accept that you are broken up, the better and quicker you can move forward. take it easy, breaking ups not an easy thing to do and there could be a chance I'm not letting go of that.. I have a few job opportunities lined up and I know once I get better things going I can feel better and maybe she'll come back and forgive me and understand.. that definitely is not being ruled out.. but I understand that leaving it be for now is the best thing to do..
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) take it easy, breaking ups not an easy thing to do and there could be a chance I'm not letting go of that.. I have a few job opportunities lined up and I know once I get better things going I can feel better and maybe she'll come back and forgive me and understand.. that definitely is not being ruled out.. but I understand that leaving it be for now is the best thing to do.. You need to let go though. Maybe she will change her mind, but you can't count on that. It will only hold you back if you do. I'm not trying to be a di*k, but I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butt either. It doesn't do you a lick of good. But yeah, you really have to get off the "maybe she didn't mean it" mentality. Like you said, breakups are tough, so if she was willing to go through with it, she most definitely meant it. It sucks, but truth is what you need -- not fairytales. Edited August 29, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
Author mixeypixey Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 You need to let go though. Maybe she will change her mind, but you can't count on that. It will only hold you back if you do. I'm not trying to be a di*k, but I'm not going to blow sunshine up your butt either. It doesn't do you a lick of good. But yeah, you really have to get off the "maybe she didn't mean it" mentality. Like you said, breakups are tough, so if she was willing to go through with it, she most definitely meant it. It sucks, but truth is what you need -- not fairytales. I was going through a really rough time.. and didn't realize I just let myself get sucked into it, and blowing it up on her.. Things will get better soon and I learnt a lot from the break-up.. She's the only person that has made me feel this way in like 5 years?!? I feel optimistic that if I contact her like 1 month later and we took it slow it could work it out again.. anyways you never know what'll happen..
lylat333 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) Simon I generally agree with you but you are at least a teensy bit harsh at times. mixeypixey, do not, I repeat DO NOT contact her. For your sake and hers, seriously... do. not. contact. Not now, not a month from now, not 3 months from now. Definitely, definitely not while she is with her ex and definitely not even if they were to break up. I am guilty of writing a letter to my ex a week after I stopped hearing from her, that was 3 weeks ago. Not even an acknowledgement of the letter and we saw each other for over a year and were very close. Since I've been on LS I've questioned whether or not I should have even sent that letter, but if I knew she had started seeing someone else I definitely wouldn't have sent it. The issue is that the dumpee (and I am one right now) can't wrap their mind around the idea that the dumper feels so differently. You think she's just one perfect phrase away from snapping out of it, but the truth is that when you break up with someone, you are detached emotionally, generally see the person as something that can be discarded, and any fighting, pleading, begging, etc. are frightfully counter-productive, even worse if the dumper starts seeing someone else. Your status and value in their eyes falls lower, and lower, and lower. You have to stop the bleeding. NC is usually the way to go, but it's so especially true in your case. You won't heal heal as long as you keep fighting for her, and she will never miss you. The negative feelings she has for you have to die a natural death. I have been the dumper and am able to draw on some experience from that to help keep me from contacting my ex. The concept that does it for me is I believe there is an internal timer in the dumper that must run before there is any consideration if ever for reconciliation. Every time the dumper is contacted or knows they have you on call, the timer is reset, no ifs ands or buts. I'm a sensitive guy, I broke up with my gf of 6 1/2 years a couple of years ago and even though I still cared about her deeply and didn't even have another girl lined up, every time she contacted me I felt it bought me time and assured me things were going OK because it was positive reinforcement. Edited August 29, 2013 by lylat333
Simon Phoenix Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) Oh I'm definitely harsh. But it's necessary. I was going through a really rough time.. and didn't realize I just let myself get sucked into it, and blowing it up on her.. Things will get better soon and I learnt a lot from the break-up.. She's the only person that has made me feel this way in like 5 years?!? I feel optimistic that if I contact her like 1 month later and we took it slow it could work it out again.. anyways you never know what'll happen.. She has to want it though. That's what's not registering to you. Sure, maybe you've learned some things (though the more time you take, the more those things will stick and the more you'll learn on top of it), but it's up to her to want to see you. If she doesn't, then she doesn't. And there's no magic phrasing that will make her do that. There's literally nothing you can say that will turn the switch back to "on". You have to grow and learn and move forward, so if she does get curious, you can put your best foot forward. As for you contacting her, that can only happen once you have moved forward and are cool with whatever the result might be. You aren't there -- not even close. And you won't be there in a month. There's nothing wrong with that -- that's completely normal. But you have to let the process take as long as it takes. When you feel like you can talk to her and be cool with the result, then you wait another month to make sure that takes. If you have any relapses, then you go back, reset, then wait another month after you reset. There's no shot clock or time limit. But yeah, you have to get this "you never know" and "maybe I can say the right stuff" things out of your head. This ain't Hollywood and unfortunately, this website and others like it are littered with the scattered corpses of people with that mentality. Would be a lot cooler if Hollywood was real life, but it's just entertainment. Edited August 29, 2013 by Simon Phoenix
Minneloa Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 OP, I am sorry that you are hurting. I empathize because I went through a breakup about three months ago and it took me a long time to figure out that hope & optimism, generally positive traits, we're actually working *against* me and my healing process. Hope kept me from facing the cold, hard reality that my relationship was over, done, kaput. IMHO, looking dead-on at the loss and accepting the finality is crucial. I know you don't want to move on, but honestly, what other good choice do you have? Hanging out in a limbo of hope and denial is, to me, ultimately much worse than dealing with and accepting the pain. It might feel better right now, but it is almost guaranteed to kick you in the behind later. Then you'll be dealing with the original pain plus the frustration of having postponed your grieving. And yes, none of us can predict the future; however, we can embrace the facts of today and move forward as gracefully as possible. Sending good thoughts! M.
Mariposa10 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 She's with her ex-boyfriend now? I'm sorry to tell you this, but maybe you were the rebound?? I'm usually against NC, but in this case I agree with the rest, don't contact her, not right now... Go out with your friends!!! Good luck.
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