The Dinner

[Speakingofwhich]

Last night I saw her photo online, finally. She was not nearly as attractive as I had thought she would be. Though her features were similar to what I had imagined. She had a lovely hairstyle and wore little to no make up. All in all, she was quite average in appearance if even that.

 

However, it was jolting to see her photo, as I had imagined it would be.

 

For some reason, though I knew he was married, I couldn't imagine him with any other woman than myself. Now I can. Her person hood is a reality in my mind now. And that's a problem for me. So much so that:

 

I woke up thinking of her photo first thing this morning. In the same way tragedy strikes one day and for days (maybe weeks/months depending) it's the first thing you think of when you awake.

 

I felt sick. For many reasons.

 

So I knelt to pray. And here is what happened when I began to pray about him/the situation:

 

I "saw" (not literally, it unfolded vividly in my mind only!) a table spread.....

 

Imagine it with me......you are very hungry and you come upon this table with the most beautifully presented and delicious food you can imagine!

 

The aroma of the food gently wafts toward you.

 

You see a few crumbs on the table that have fallen as the dishes were placed there and you take them to your mouth. Uuuuummm! They are as good as they look and your appetite is whetted for more!

 

You are ready to sit down and partake of this feast!

 

As you are seated and ready to eat, though, you notice something unusual!

 

Around the entire display there is a transparent glass encasing. So, that access to the meal isn't possible!

 

You can only eat a few crumbs and fantasize about what it would be like to enjoy the entire meal.

 

I realized then that, that is what my relationship with MM is like.

 

The glass casing is MM's marriage. Only he can remove it, so that we can enjoy the meal.

 

If he removes it now then we can both eat. But, he can't/won't remove it right now, only in his own timing does he plan to do that.

 

So that, the meal (our relationship) is going to spoil in the meantime, just as food that sits out, that is meant to be eaten, rots.

 

I am already experiencing the symptoms of our relationship being spoiled as it is not properly being cared for. And he has made comments to the effect that he knows he isn't able to care for me the way he would like to due to the circumstances of his life.

 

I also realized that MM and his BW are serving a meal that is spoiled in their own home. They are all getting toxic food because MM and BW don't have a healthy relationship and have unresolved issues (huge) in their M.

 

Because their kids are emotionally malnourished, they are not functioning well.

 

MM and BW need to resolve their relationship one way or the other so that they and their kids can be nourished emotionally. Everyone in the family is ill right now.

 

And I realized that I had to get out of the way so that they can do that as I don't believe they can do it with me in the picture.

 

So,when MM called me today, I told him of my epiphany, we discussed it and how it applied to our situation and he agreed with me that we should go NC. (We had gone LC for several days but then resumed contact, talking for hours a day basically off and on all day long and at night. We are LD)

 

We had an incredible loving conversation in which together we ended our A. He was wonderful through it all. I love him more than ever for his kindness and concern for me as I told him what I'd experienced and what affect it had had on me. He is an amazing man, though a human who makes mistakes like all of us. I know him well and know that he will respect NC as will I.

 

I also know that he will work to resolve his M as he is now in IC. It may not be possible to put it back together. But, it may. Time will tell.

 

I am sad. But, I am at peace. My love for MM is strong and we went NC as a team, for both of us, and for his W and children. One thing I have learned is that what is best for one will be the best for everyone involved.

 

So, if he has R in his M it will be best for them and best for me, too. Or, if his M cannot be R, and he leaves it, that will be the best thing for BS and children at this point in time.

 

I will update if there are any new developments or if I begin to all apart! . I am posting this as I had come to this board for support after I had re-entered this relationship a few months ago.

 

It has been helpful for me to follow the journey others of you are taking in your relationships with MMs/MWs and if it will help anyone to read of my journey then I want to share it.

 

Thank you so much for all of your posts in other OW/OM threads.

 

Please feel free to post comments in this thread. It may read as if it's all packaged and sealed and taken care of, but your comments and support will be so appreciated.

 

I live alone and though I have many friends, none of them know of MM. So the posters on this board are my companions on this journey, which has not ended for me until my emotions are completely resolved.

[bentleychic]

Best wishes on your new journey. You sound very sure, calm and composed.

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks, Bentley! Your response means a lot! You're right, I am calm and composed. But, everything is too quiet now! I miss the conversation a lot, already! But, I don't miss the guilt. And the feeling of knowing I need to do something about the sitch. You know, end it. And I don't miss the dreaded feeling of knowing I may get hurt very badly. I was always wondering and trying to figure out, "Which way is this going to go?" Some days it seemed one way, some days another. Do you know what I mean about that?

[bentleychic]

Yes, I understand completely. I'm still in my A with my MM.

[Speakingofwhich]

Bentley, I am wishing you the best, too, and will be following your journey as you post!

[LilGirlandOW]

Goodluck with NC SpeakingofWhich, I remember the first time I saw her (my BS) picture like it happened 2 minutes ago, my heart broke instantly.

 

Love the analogy! Good for you for taking these steps!

[Speakingofwhich]

Thanks so much, LilGirl, for your support! Why did your heart break when you saw the photo? What did it feel like?

 

It is so weird to imagine that he, the man I know and love so well, lives with this strange woman! Really messed with my mind!

[LilGirlandOW]

It felt like I was looking at the woman my man was cheating on me with?!?!

 

I instantly started imagining crazy things, like what them having sex would look like.

 

Since I first saw her in a photo, I have seen her face to face around 5 times or so, the shock and heart break is still there... My MM seems to easily separate or combine "the woman he's in love with (OW)" and "the mother of his kids, he says roommate, she's at least his lifemate (BS)". He easily goes to and frow both compartments, as well will encourage her and I to interact.

 

The common theme.... I imagine them having sex when I see her or her photo.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Since it was YOUR dream, maybe it means the relationship is toxic to you. The food spoils for you since you cant access it. The trauma in the kid's lives exists because there are emotionally caustic relationships going on that poison the family. Because SOMEONE chooses betrayal over reality. Exactly what roles do you believe the kids play in your fairy tale, and what are your hopes and dreams for them.

[Speakingofwhich]

It felt like I was looking at the woman my man was cheating on me with?!?!

 

I instantly started imagining crazy things, like what them having sex would look like.

 

Since I first saw her in a photo, I have seen her face to face around 5 times or so, the shock and heart break is still there... My MM seems to easily separate or combine "the woman he's in love with (OW)" and "the mother of his kids, he says roommate, she's at least his lifemate (BS)". He easily goes to and frow both compartments, as well will encourage her and I to interact.

 

The common theme.... I imagine them having sex when I see her or her photo.

 

So sorry you have experienced this (the heartbreak of seeing her and having to interact with her), LilGirl.

 

He wants you to interact with her? Ooooh, my! I guess you don't want to, for sure, huh?

 

The compartmentalization theme is familiar to me, in that my exMM told me during our break up conversation that he had felt he could compartmentalize and yet he is learning that all the compartments in his life end up touching one another.

 

Don't most men compartmentalize aspects of their lives more than women do?

 

Maybe you have posted the answer to this on another thread and I haven't read it so forgive me if that is so, but my question to you is, "Do you see this having a resolution for you?"

[Hazyhead]

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard but when you're really up against it, try to put your head above your emotions. This board is great for advice and support but is there a possibility you could confide in one of your friends too? Most likely they will surprise you with how supportive and non-judgmental they are. The more people in your corner, the better, especially if you want NC and moving on to work.

[Speakingofwhich]

Since it was YOUR dream, maybe it means the relationship is toxic to you. The food spoils for you since you cant access it. The trauma in the kid's lives exists because there are emotionally caustic relationships going on that poison the family. Because SOMEONE chooses betrayal over reality. Exactly what roles do you believe the kids play in your fairy tale, and what are your hopes and dreams for them.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful post, IfWishes! And what a great question about hopes and dreams for the kids!

 

Yes, definitely it was toxic for me and, I believe, for everyone connected to it. (The analogy wasn't a dream or fairy tale, more of a developing visualization as I was awake).

 

Right, the food spoils for me and exMM when we can't access it. The spread in their home was spoiled before I came along, the parents and their kids "ate" from it and their personal lives (parents and kids alike) were in chaos long before I was in the picture.

 

What role do the kids play in the scenario and what are my hopes and dreams for them? I'm assuming you're referring to his kids, not mine?

 

Well, my take on it is that the kids in this analogy receive their food from their parents so they are passive in a sense in this particular scenario. They really need some good solid nutrition! They need to watch their parents model effective and responsible methods of problem solving so that they are able to learn how to solve their own problems.

 

The A we engaged in was merely a method MM used to cope with the dysfunctions that existed in his own psyche and marriage before he met me, not the reason for the dysfunctions that exist in him and his family. However, I believe it did contribute to the chaos in his own life and the resultant growing chaos in their family.

 

Hopes and dreams for the "children?" They were already adults when I came into the picture. I hope and pray that they are able to one day at least be gainfully employed, addiction free and independent of their parents.

[Speakingofwhich]

Best of luck to you. I know it's hard but when you're really up against it, try to put your head above your emotions. This board is great for advice and support but is there a possibility you could confide in one of your friends too? Most likely they will surprise you with how supportive and non-judgmental they are. The more people in your corner, the better, especially if you want NC and moving on to work.

 

Thanks, Hazyhead! Putting head before emotions is absolutely the right thing to do, thanks for the reminder! I don't know that I can/will confide in one of my friends, though it would be great to be able to do so!

 

This board and the support I'm getting here is helpful.

[2sure]

To me , more than anything else your spiritual vision says directly that you are on the outside looking in.

[Sooverhim]

That's such a vivid analogy Speakingofwhich, and one which all of us who've had an A understand only too well. You and your XMM have done the right thing for the right reasons and you made your ending sound beautiful.

 

It's time for you to move on now, focus on yourself, your healing, and on getting over your XMM.

 

I wish you well x

[Speakingofwhich]

To me , more than anything else your spiritual vision says directly that you are on the outside looking in.

 

Thanks, 2sure! Your post means a lot to me. I've read your story that you've posted here. You seem to have been through a lot and really grown through the process! Yaaaaay for you, too!

[Speakingofwhich]

That's such a vivid analogy Speakingofwhich, and one which all of us who've had an A understand only too well. You and your XMM have done the right thing for the right reasons and you made your ending sound beautiful.

 

It's time for you to move on now, focus on yourself, your healing, and on getting over your XMM.

 

I wish you well x

 

Thanks for your support, Sooverhim! Your name says it all! I love it! I appreciate you including my XMM in your post. I really respect him for the way he responded and supported me when I shared my epiphany with him. I know he really wants to do the right thing and is learning, just as I am, how to do it! "Live and learn," we're pretty much all in the same boat, aren't we!

[glowing]

You are both absolutely handling this the best way possible. What's done is done, but from here on out you can do it the 'right' way.

 

I could have written your story, word for word.

 

For me, I started out strong, but as time first started to pass it became harder and harder. I missed him, and I loved him, but I knew that he was right...he needed to leave on his own, not to be with me. I loved him enough to not get in the way, no matter how hard it was on me.

 

Some tips: I kept a journal of sorts in a gmail account I made just for that purpose. I wrote to him once a day, sometimes twice, and saved all of them. It helped to get it out, and to cry and wallow, knowing it was a safe place and he wouldn't see it.

 

I geared myself up for never seeing him again. I truly believed that he would stay with her in order to start to move forward. I grieved over this loss, but could NOT allow myself to hope that it would work out in my favor.

 

And, not to get your hopes up, but it did work out in OUR favor.

 

If it's meant to be, it will happen.

 

Hugs. Stay strong. You CAN do this.

[Speakingofwhich]

Glowing, I cried when I read your post. Not because you ended up with your man, but because you have been exactly where I am and you understand exactly what I'm going through. It means so much to me that you took the time to encourage me and share your experience with me.

 

I think I started crying when I read where you wrote that you grieved the relationship and didn't count on him coming back to you because that's what I'm doing, too. I am closing this chapter of my life and moving on. Though I do pray for him and for her, too, and the kids. I am posting in "pages," an app on my mac, not daily but as I need to.

 

I know that my posts seem calm and peaceful. And I do feel calm and peaceful. But, the love in my heart for exMM is a mighty ocean that still engulfs me! I believe that God can deal with that, though, in His way and in His time!

 

Thank you a million times over for your post that touched me so deeply!

[glowing]

If you ever need to talk or a virtual cheerleader, DM me anytime

 

Take it one day at a time.

[Speakingofwhich]

What's DM? Did you mean PM? If so, I don't know how to do that or if I'm eligible.

[Speakingofwhich]

Also, want to post how very much each person who is encouraging me is helping!

 

During my A I began to feel really badly about myself and what I was doing. There were times when I would be with friends or in a social gathering and the thought would occur to me, "If they knew....." so that I began to probably develop a feeling of isolation because of my choice and resultant sitch.

 

It is so healing to have the troops surround me here and offer me encouragement. I know that my posts, being spiritual, may not resonate with everybody here. And yet, our mutual experience binds us together and you are reaching out to me with kindness. Thank you so much! Your words are valuable to me!

 

I truly treasure each post I receive!

[2sure]

Also, want to post how very much each person who is encouraging me is helping!

 

During my A I began to feel really badly about myself and what I was doing. There were times when I would be with friends or in a social gathering and the thought would occur to me, "If they knew....." so that I began to probably develop a feeling of isolation because of my choice and resultant sitch.

 

It is so healing to have the troops surround me here and offer me encouragement. I know that my posts, being spiritual, may not resonate with everybody here. And yet, our mutual experience binds us together and you are reaching out to me with kindness. Thank you so much! Your words are valuable to me!

 

I truly treasure each post I receive!

 

That has to be worst part of most affairs....not being able to share your relationship , even in conversation, with people you love and respect. I never really thought about it much, but can understand the isolation you described...and I can't help but wonder if that same isolation...if kept up long enough, doesn't become a reason for an OW to feel the need to stay in an affair.

 

 

That's a sad thought.

[Speakingofwhich]

That has to be worst part of most affairs....not being able to share your relationship , even in conversation, with people you love and respect. I never really thought about it much, but can understand the isolation you described...and I can't help but wonder if that same isolation...if kept up long enough, doesn't become a reason for an OW to feel the need to stay in an affair.

 

 

That's a sad thought.

 

I agree that not being able to share the relationship is one of the worst parts of an A. Guess the isolation does fuel neediness that could keep OW in A.

 

Am spending a lot of time on LS processing emotions so am getting a little isolated from that! Ate five popsicles (3 coconut, 2 banana and 1 strawberry, oops 6!) while reading tonight! If they're organic does that mean they're calorie free?

[2sure]

Yes of course it does! Outshine Brand right?