Sick of the games to land a relationship!

[HappyLove]

I'm so sick of the games we have to play to get a fun and loving relationship. Don't text after the date first, don't say you miss them, wait a few days to call, never call. The list goes on and on. And it seems these games are valid because sure enough you tell them your thinking about them, they run. You make yourself too available they lose interest. These are just a few examples of what I'm sure many of us are going through. Can we not have all these worries and rules? I majority OLD and on there the wind could change direction and everything falls apart. I often look at people in happy committed relationships and wonder if they played these games or were they really great at playing the game. It gets frustrating when all you want is a companion you get along with and you treat them right they treat you right. Dating is ridiculous at times nowadays. Is it possible to land a mate without the nonsense?

[SJC2008]

It seems like the instarelationship is the way to go.

[HappyLove]

So games build a relationship?

[Ninjainpajamas]

There is some general dating etiquette, it's just the wise way to go because chances are you're not going to know the agenda or intent of the person...essentially you don't even know this person whom you just started dating, they could be any kind of person out there on the planet and there are plenty of guys out there not looking for anything serious...so just because they run away when you tell them how much you like them, it's not that you did anything particular wrong they just didn't feel the same way or see as the kind of relationship material they are looking for.

 

If you meet someone you are on the same page with, then yes it typically absolutely much easier and different than people you will just date in general who are just looking for a short-term thing.

 

If you meet someone who is truly interested, meaning putting forward the effort and is consistent obviously that is going to be much easier to interpret and much more transparent...there is a lot less thinking that has to go into that in terms of determining interest. But even so, you always have to communicate and determine where that person is and what that may be looking for, as well as how they are feeling about you instead of just how you feel.

 

It all sounds very complicated but I think some people get it much easier than others, and I think overall demeanor and the way you treat yourself and your expectations can have a lot to do it as well as the type of men you are dating. A lot of women date unavailable men and then wonder why they don't want to commit, or they can't even tell the difference unfortunately and one post definitely isn't going to explain all of that.

 

Chances are, you got your own problems/issues that perpetuate your troubles in the dating world.

[NateC]

Just because people say "you should do this and this and not this" doesn't mean you have to follow it. Meet people how you want to and just go with the flow. Forcing yourself to do (or not do) something because of the so-called norm won't be as effective as people would like you to believe.

[365daysgone]

I completely agree. I said in another post "all these rules on say this to a girl, don't say that, do this, dont do that". It's ridiculous. If I have a good time with someone, I will text them the next day saying "I had fun last night, lets do it again sometime". If they don't respond then **** them. That's not someone I'd date anyways - someone that does not respond. I wish people could just be honest. If you ask a girl out, why is their impulse to say "I'm busy"? We live in a society where our impulse tells us to lie? Really?

[soccerrprp]

I'm so sick of the games we have to play to get a fun and loving relationship. Don't text after the date first, don't say you miss them, wait a few days to call, never call. The list goes on and on. And it seems these games are valid because sure enough you tell them your thinking about them, they run. You make yourself too available they lose interest. These are just a few examples of what I'm sure many of us are going through. Can we not have all these worries and rules? I majority OLD and on there the wind could change direction and everything falls apart. I often look at people in happy committed relationships and wonder if they played these games or were they really great at playing the game. It gets frustrating when all you want is a companion you get along with and you treat them right they treat you right. Dating is ridiculous at times nowadays. Is it possible to land a mate without the nonsense?

 

Don't play the game. I avoid playing the game at all cost. Much of it has never made any sense to me and the games played were certainly contrary to who I am.

 

Dating and developing relationships is difficult enough w/o all of these rules for what seems every aspect of interaction when dating. It's all confusing, suspect and unnecessary.

[PogoStick]

Women made the game, guys just play it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You can't play the game if you don't understand the rules anyway...I just can't just sprint onto a soccer field and start throwing the ball around with my hands and tackling people, that wouldn't make me a very successful soccer player and nobody would understand what I'm doing.

 

Until you learn the rules of the game, that's when you can start being successful because you have a greater understanding of how it all comes together.

 

Of course if you don't you can just throw your hands in the air and say "this game is stupid", especially if you don't get it or aren't successful at it.

 

With that being said, you don't have to play by the rules of the game...but you should understand how they work when other people are playing them.

 

Plus no invisible man or alien came down and created these "rules", there just a loose line of norms and etiquette based on society itself, that's right...other human beings on planet earth just like you.

[HappyLove]

The thing that gets me is older generations didn't do these stupid games and stayed married for 50+ years. If Tom took Beth out back in the day who cared when & how many times he called or if he asked for the next date too soon. They didn't turn their feelings off at the drop of a hat like people do today. Talk to some old couples and they make it seem courting was easy peasy. Dating today has become way too complicated and there are more single people than ever!

[Eivuwan]

The thing that gets me is older generations didn't do these stupid games and stayed married for 50+ years. If Tom took Beth out back in the day who cared when & how many times he called or if he asked for the next date too soon. They didn't turn their feelings off at the drop of a hat like people do today. Talk to some old couples and they make it seem courting was easy peasy. Dating today has become way too complicated and there are more single people than ever!

 

Older generations also have more strict rules on the roles of men and women in society that makes relationship less complicated, but also less equal.

[SubliminalSessions]

The thing that gets me is older generations didn't do these stupid games and stayed married for 50+ years. If Tom took Beth out back in the day who cared when & how many times he called or if he asked for the next date too soon. They didn't turn their feelings off at the drop of a hat like people do today. Talk to some old couples and they make it seem courting was easy peasy. Dating today has become way too complicated and there are more single people than ever!

 

OK, I'm only 26...but I've read books. Namely The Rules.

 

As far as how people met back then, we don't really know how the game was played. Love songs were not created in the 90s and 2000s. But I think, maybe somewhere in the 60s things probably changed? You know...the whole freedom movement. Back in the 30s, having sex outside of marriage, gay relationships, 'boyfriend/girlfriend' did not exist. I don't even think dating existed...and some Christians believe dating is part of the problem, because 1,000s of years ago...people didn't even date. You met, got married. Period. Non of that dating 3 or 4 guys stuff. Don't know what happened if you were gay, thank God I wasn't around back then. To live and die never able to see the same sex, but always wanting to see one. But, I'm sure people got around to it...I just don't know how.

 

Anyhow...I think that explains part of that. As far games go, sometimes you have to wonder if people are doing it on purpose, or they doing it because that's all they know. I think we tend to group shyness, introvertness, dishonesty, deceit, confusion, uncertainty, fear, worry, anxiety, lack of communication skills, not being taught how to behave in romantic relationships, seeing parents go thru stuff...into 1 word called games. They aren't games, they are attributes people carry with them.

 

Going back to The Rules book that teaches about the game...although the book was very enlightening when I first began reading them, I'm finding more and more it's not the la seule guide to dating. For a good 2 or 3 years I tried and tried to abide by that book. As a gay man at that LOL. But, although all of the principles one can utilize in certain situations, it doesn't work in ALL situations. For awhile I was convinced I had to wait for a guy to come to me. Speak to me first. Don't do this, that and the 3rd after a date...but after many dates of playing the game and not playing the game, overtime I slowly stopped playing.

 

Once in awhile I'll reference back to the Rules, because like someone said...it's good to know how to play the game. But just because you know how to, don't mean you're going to win. Doesn't mean you're going to beat every team (guy) everytime. Teams have their defenses up, they have their playbook. They might even know yours. And they will flip that. You have to call time-out on the game once in awhile.

[mario_C]

They play games because deep down, they're just not interested. It's not them, it's you...but that's not necessarily bad.

They play games because you're not Christian Grey / Christina Hendricks; you're not their fantasy savior Prince(ss) Charming, THE ONE. They don't even know what "the one" is; they don't know what they want, because they don't know themselves. There are all kinds of reasons why, and they don't matter.

If you like them that much, push for a date and then another. If they fight, move on. It's not rocket science.

[HappyLove]

"As far games go, sometimes you have to wonder if people are doing it on purpose, or they doing it because that's all they know. I think we tend to group shyness, introvertness, dishonesty, deceit, confusion, uncertainty, fear, worry, anxiety, lack of communication skills, not being taught how to behave in romantic relationships, seeing parents go thru stuff...into 1 word called games. They aren't games, they are attributes people carry with them. "

 

I like what you said here. We could be playing a game against ourselves when really who your dating could be just rude or simply has a myriad of issues so really no matter what you do your going to lose. I guess we can sum that up as emotionally unavailable.

[Woop1337]

I'm so sick of the games we have to play to get a fun and loving relationship. Don't text after the date first, don't say you miss them, wait a few days to call, never call. The list goes on and on. And it seems these games are valid because sure enough you tell them your thinking about them, they run. You make yourself too available they lose interest. These are just a few examples of what I'm sure many of us are going through. Can we not have all these worries and rules? I majority OLD and on there the wind could change direction and everything falls apart. I often look at people in happy committed relationships and wonder if they played these games or were they really great at playing the game. It gets frustrating when all you want is a companion you get along with and you treat them right they treat you right. Dating is ridiculous at times nowadays. Is it possible to land a mate without the nonsense?

 

I agree with you somewhat. But hey, it is a game, we live in an imperfect world. We have to maneuver ourselves, put our best foot forward, and play it right. I've came to realize, most of the games or rules, are common sense anyway. Either that or we join a monastery. And I'll tell you right now, I'm not about that life.

[Mrlonelyone]

The game exist because no one is ever 100% into or 100% not into someone else. People are never 100% sure of what they want.

 

So most of the ambivalence and game playing just arise from not knowing what we want.

 

All the PUA systems, all the "He's Just not that into you" etc. exist to do two things.

 

Those systems teach men and women how to deal with the fact that most of their love interest will not even know if they really like you.

 

Those systems teach men and women how to guard their hearts.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You don't need to play them with the right person.

[HappyLove]

You don't need to play them with the right person.

 

 

I think you're right as soon as I see I need to play these games I'm taking my ball and going home!

[HokeyReligions]

The thing that gets me is older generations didn't do these stupid games and stayed married for 50+ years. If Tom took Beth out back in the day who cared when & how many times he called or if he asked for the next date too soon. They didn't turn their feelings off at the drop of a hat like people do today. Talk to some old couples and they make it seem courting was easy peasy. Dating today has become way too complicated and there are more single people than ever!

 

Hate to disillusion you but these games have been around forever. The specifics change slightly with social, political and technological changes but the basic game is always the same.

 

My grandmother literally taught them to me, much to my mothers horror, when I was 14. Same with my sister and my brother!

 

She covered when to contact. How to contact. What to say and not say in different situations. The goals of the game. How to ID each goal and where to go from there.

 

My grandmother was born in 1895. She was married 3 times. She taught her kids the game. My mom was married when she was 16 which is why she was upset that my grandmother taught me the social dating etiquette (as it was called) of the time.

 

Mom taught me several things. One - be honest. Two - be polite.

Three - be prepared.

 

Be honest with yourself. If you like someone let them know. If you don't like someone let them know but be nice about it. It does you no good to hurt someone's feelings. Be prepared for rejection. You wont click with everyone and they wont click with you. Be the bigger person and accept it. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or them.

 

Those are the basic principles. We went into more details about sex and heartbreak and self esteem and current societal norms at the time.

 

That doesn't mean I didn't wait by the phone sometimes and get my feelings hurt or called someone only to be rejected. I had my share of that too. I had girlfriends give me the same advice I've seen here too and tried it.

 

I don't like the game and when I didn't play it is when I met my husband. Dont get me wrong I flirted mightily with him and he asked me out. If he hadn't asked me I would have asked him and been prepared to have my heart bruised, but after talking for a few hours and being very honest with each other, I knew he was the one. I didn't have any doubt but if he hadn't called me the next day I would have been very very hurt. And I would have felt played (as in playing a game) and very disappointed in him.

 

When he called me he said he hoped I didn't mind him calling so soon but that he really wanted to talk with me again and see me again right away. No games.

[BluEyeL]

I think lots of people do not understand the rules of the game and don't know how to play. For example here on this thread people said that the rules (for women) include saying that you are busy when a man you are interested in asks you out (even if you're not), or never initiating contact. That's absolutely not true and if someone is doing that, they just don't know how to play. The rules of the game, for women are to be summarized into don't throw the relationship into an imbalance by not respecting youself, chasing, smothering, or giving too much. It doesn't make any sense saying you're busy when you're not, and never initiate contact. Just don't be clingy and initiate more than the guys, and don't drop your life for a last minute date with him. It's more common sense, practicing some restraint and self respect than a game.

[HappyLove]

Hate to disillusion you but these games have been around forever. The specifics change slightly with social, political and technological changes but the basic game is always the same.

 

My grandmother literally taught them to me, much to my mothers horror, when I was 14. Same with my sister and my brother!

 

She covered when to contact. How to contact. What to say and not say in different situations. The goals of the game. How to ID each goal and where to go from there.

 

My grandmother was born in 1895. She was married 3 times. She taught her kids the game. My mom was married when she was 16 which is why she was upset that my grandmother taught me the social dating etiquette (as it was called) of the time.

 

Mom taught me several things. One - be honest. Two - be polite.

Three - be prepared.

 

Be honest with yourself. If you like someone let them know. If you don't like someone let them know but be nice about it. It does you no good to hurt someone's feelings. Be prepared for rejection. You wont click with everyone and they wont click with you. Be the bigger person and accept it. It doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you or them.

 

Those are the basic principles. We went into more details about sex and heartbreak and self esteem and current societal norms at the time.

 

That doesn't mean I didn't wait by the phone sometimes and get my feelings hurt or called someone only to be rejected. I had my share of that too. I had girlfriends give me the same advice I've seen here too and tried it.

 

I don't like the game and when I didn't play it is when I met my husband. Dont get me wrong I flirted mightily with him and he asked me out. If he hadn't asked me I would have asked him and been prepared to have my heart bruised, but after talking for a few hours and being very honest with each other, I knew he was the one. I didn't have any doubt but if he hadn't called me the next day I would have been very very hurt. And I would have felt played (as in playing a game) and very disappointed in him.

 

When he called me he said he hoped I didn't mind him calling so soon but that he really wanted to talk with me again and see me again right away. No games.

 

This is what I'm realizing. "The one" will not require or play games. Second guessing everything you do is exhausting. If I,GASP, call a guy or something else that shouldn't be done as far as these games are concerned, and he doesn't respond, I'll be moving right along. I think we get our feelings hurt easily in dating but you should really just chalk it up to he's not the one. At the end if the day you gotta be accepted for who you are.