meyerlemon Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 In short: I [35/f] live with BF [30]. Been having doubts for 8 months. Think he might be controlling (but not abusive). He's my only support and ally. Break up and take job overseas? Hi. I'm looking for some insight and emotional support. I've been with my boyfriend (he's 30) for a little over 1 year. I'm 35. We live together. I've been unemployed for a while following an injury and subsequent discharge from the military. Boyfriend's been supporting me without complaint and in the beginning we both were looking towards eventually marrying. However, a few months after I moved in with him, I began having serious doubts. We both rebounded from bad marriages and I started feeling that I didn't give myself enough time to be on my own. I felt we were moving too fast and I was quickly smothered with all the marriage talk. I became very depressed (but feeling better now). Like, not getting out of bed/not talking depressed. Anyway, that's not really my point. I'll try to get to it! So I've been feeling ambivalent for about 8 months now. When it started, I chalked it up to me not working, so I started volunteering and plugged away at job applications/networking, etc. I don't want to give away my location, but I am in an area of the US that has a notorious low employment rate (and very high cost of living) and I have determined my only option of finding decent work would be to move. I have no problem with moving, but my boyfriend cannot due to his job (he's military). So in my option of staying with him, I have tried to focus on my artwork and volunteering. But it's not enough for me. I'm not the kind of woman who is content staying at home. I need to be able to support myself, a lesson I learned the hard way in my ex-marriage. Being unemployed leaves me feeling unchallenged and like a kid. For a while we talked about the option of me leaving for work, but long distance is not something he wants (which is fine). This narrowed things down a bit. Aside from all that, I've noticed some traits about him and us together that I do not like. The main one is he does not listen to me. I don't know if it's denial or he hears what he wants to hear. This is a trait that will cause a lot of frustration in a life together. Other things I think are significant: He repeats himself 3 or 4 times and rehashes convos/arguments almost every day. Can't let things go.He's a bit codependent/needy/smothering/anxious...he snooped through my email, Facebook, and journal (no infidelity going on in the slightest)There is some level of immaturity in the choices he makes- bad, impulse decisions like buying a car he can't afford and then has to take backHe gets emotionally manipulative during disagreements which shuts everything downIf I get angry or frustrated (in general...like the computer freezes yet again), he treats me like a child instead of validating my feelingsI'm not saying this in a conceited way AT ALL, but he is less intelligent. This comes through as a lack of understanding (emotional or topical) about what I am talking about. It feels like he just doesn't "get me" or what I am on about. So I made that list, then I made one for the reasons I would want to stay with him specifically. I left out all the general relationship stuff like companionship, etc. And what I came up with was- he's a good person, he supports my art (researching contests, galleries). Overall, I like the activities we do together and our laid back lifestyle. And, most significantly, he is the ONLY support I have. The last one caught me. I think that's the hook. I feel like I DO want to leave and go start my career (I have a few job offers overseas!) but in doing so I would be leaving the only person I really have in my life. (There are many reasons for this...briefly, I moved cross country for my ex, abusive relationship, I isolated while in crisis mode, and it's really hard to find new friends as an unemployed adult without kids! My old friends and I don't talk much.) When I'm doubting my decision to break up and move to another country, I will have no one to lean on. And yes, I know, this is NOT a reason to stay with someone. I've talked to him about all this stuff. He doesn't feel the way I do and doesn't understand why I can't "just be happy" with the relationship. He says I nitpick the relationship. He does not see or minimizes the red/yellow flags I listed. So this is why I'm turning to people on the internet to try to get some validation. I guess my question is...do you think me leaving would be a solid decision? (I know it's my life and my choice, but just curious what others think.) How do I find the support I will need if I leave? (I have the logistics covered- sell car and belongings, get a US based mail service that will forward things to me overseas, find home for cats, etc.) Any insight, hunches, or experience is gladly welcomed. I come from an abusive background and sometimes I feel crippled with relationship stuff like this! Thank you.
pteromom Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 The main one is he does not listen to me. I don't know if it's denial or he hears what he wants to hear. This is a trait that will cause a lot of frustration in a life together. You are right. Being heard and validated and accepted is a VERY big deal. He repeats himself 3 or 4 times and rehashes convos/arguments almost every day. Can't let things go. He's a bit codependent/needy/smothering/anxious...he snooped through my email, Facebook, and journal (no infidelity going on in the slightest) There is some level of immaturity in the choices he makes- bad, impulse decisions like buying a car he can't afford and then has to take back He gets emotionally manipulative during disagreements which shuts everything down If I get angry or frustrated (in general...like the computer freezes yet again), he treats me like a child instead of validating my feelings I'm not saying this in a conceited way AT ALL, but he is less intelligent. This comes through as a lack of understanding (emotional or topical) about what I am talking about. It feels like he just doesn't "get me" or what I am on about. Some of this sounds like immaturity, but some of it just sounds like you guys aren't compatible. Not being able to resolve disagreements is a HUGE problem and would make a future life together very difficult. I guess my question is...do you think me leaving would be a solid decision? (I know it's my life and my choice, but just curious what others think.) Based on what you have shared, I would say it is a solid decision. Sometimes people just don't fit well together, and no amount of love changes that. It would be very sad to live a whole life with someone who doesn't truly get you or understand you. How do I find the support I will need if I leave? What kind of support do you need? Perhaps you can try a long-distance relationship first and see how you feel when you are away from him. Unless he would just break it off if you leave.
Author meyerlemon Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks so much for your response. Resolving disagreements and being heard are big deals. As it is now, when we disagree (or, rather, when I say something he doesn't want to believe, like I'm not ready for marriage), he will go so far as to follow me from room to room to continue the argument/convo when I've asked for a break from it. He's relentless. It's really bad when I'm in the car or someplace where I can't get away. I feel panicked and flooded. I end up losing my composure and getting really angry. Yes, we've talked about this but it keeps happening. Yesterday he asked what I was doing on my computer. I told him- nothing, just messing around. He would not let it go and kept asking specifically what was I typing, etc. I told him I just wanted some privacy and please be quiet, I was trying to read. Then he made some excuse to sit behind me at another table in the room. I ended up taking the computer with me to the bedroom, and he said I was being secretive and sort of laughed like I was being ridiculous. (Was I???) Stuff like this makes me feel crazy, like I'm being the unreasonable one. This is sort of controlling behavior on his part, right? What kind of support do you need? Perhaps you can try a long-distance relationship first and see how you feel when you are away from him. Unless he would just break it off if you leave. Emotional support. Just some friends to talk to, especially when I'm lonely. I hope I can find that where I am thinking of going, but friendships take time. Plus, I'd be working with a bunch of new college grads (I'd be at least a decade older) so I'm not sure how that will go. I honestly think a clean break, if any, is the best. It would be all too tempting to fly back home (with nothing changed between us) when the going got tough, as it will. At first he said he would break up if I left, then softened that stance. I didn't feel any clarity or resolution when he gave me his blessing to go, which to me was a clue I just want to end it.
Treasa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Well, let's face it: You two aren't compatible on some pretty big things like communicationYour gut seems to be telling you to leaveThe main reason you're with him is because you don't have anyone elseYou've already figured out the logistics of moving overseas - people normally don't do that unless their minds are preeeetty much made up I say it's a solid decision, too. You'll be able to make some new friends. Don't stay with someone if you've spent 3/5th of your relationship in doubt. And during the first year, no less. It's not going to get better from here.
darkmoon Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) this following you around the house, the sitting behind you, it is weird-ish to have no hobbies, he is devoted to you an abused ex-child (me, for one) will need a much more reliable plodder type partner than others, a devoted partner like him who follows you round like a doggy, man's best friend always there (being dumped kills me) but if he makes you cringe, let go, let him find what he wants in somebody else Edited August 28, 2013 by darkmoon 1
CC12 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 You've already figured out the logistics of moving overseas - people normally don't do that unless their minds are preeeetty much made up This stood out to me, too. You've formed a pretty solid exit plan, and I think the fact that you went that far in your planning is significant. I'm wondering if you did this because you were trying to find a reason you wouldn't be able to move away, like you were looking for something to tell you, "No, you can't go. It's not feasible." But...car? Check. Belongings? Check. Mail? Check. Cats? Check. Etc. So I made that list, then I made one for the reasons I would want to stay with him specifically. I left out all the general relationship stuff like companionship, etc. And what I came up with was- he's a good person, he supports my art (researching contests, galleries). Overall, I like the activities we do together and our laid back lifestyle. And, most significantly, he is the ONLY support I have. The reasons you've given yourself for staying with him - that he's a good person, supports your hobbies, and is laid back - those are not traits unique to him. You will be able to find many, many other people who have those traits who are also not needy/controlling, emotionally manipulative, and who won't follow you around trying to get the last word in or to sneak a peek at your computer screen. (No, you were not being ridiculous when you went to another room to get away from him pestering you and trying to reading over your shoulder.) Your biggest reason for staying with him seems to be that he is the only support you have. That would be a hard thing to let go of. But! I can think of a lot of other ways you can find support. You'll be in another country, at a new job, and you'll be meeting lots of new people. You can make it a point to make friends. You can play up the angle of, "I'm new here, please show me around." You're ex-military, so maybe you can find some support groups or meetups and meet new people that way. Also, if you're an American, you'll kind of be treated as a novelty. That's been my experience overseas. They'll typically be interested in talking to you and asking you questions, and they'll be more than happy to tell you what they think is wrong with America/Americans/American politics. It's a good time, no joke. You can find support in a lot of (perhaps unexpected) places. You'll be okay.
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