Divasu Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Ive thought about this a bit recently as Im re-entering the dating game following an ltr ending. If someone says to you, "they are looking for someone who knows what they want", the above is the only response you need to disclose at this juncture.
jcrew11 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 It just means a "man who is wants to be monogamous/married to that particular woman" and isn't going to fool around having extra girlfriends trying to find other girls to satisfy his random impulses.
boaaaar Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 People who don't know what they want are rather upredictable, and pairing up with unpredictable people is often hazardous in terms of time-efficiency if you want to work towards a goal. 1
tbf Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Something I've learned through experience. If a guy's ambiguous about you, he's not all that into you since men who are, want to lock you down.
Zapbasket Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Something I've learned through experience. If a guy's ambiguous about you, he's not all that into you since men who are, want to lock you down. I agree with you 100%, logically. But is it always that cut and dry? I've heard the line that, "I DO want a future with you; I really love you; I see you as my wife, but __________, _____________, __________." These are excuses that because you love the person, and know their struggles, etc., you believe them. Excuses like, "I tried to start a business and it failed, and now I'm trying to get my bearings so I don't feel I can get engaged right now. But it's YOU I want." Or, "I have to finish [a huge project] before I can think about the future. But I do know I want you in my future." You are with them, and so you see that they really do have [a huge project]. They really are struggling after the failure of their business. So because you love them, you give the benefit of the doubt. Is it ever possible that someone who says these things is being sincere?
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Something I've learned through experience. If a guy's ambiguous about you, he's not all that into you since men who are, want to lock you down. A man wanting to lock a woman down doesn't imply monogamy on his part. Some guys want to lock a woman down solely to remove the likelihood of her finding someone else while.... HE FIGURES OUT WHAT HE WANTS :sick::sick: 1
Author robaday Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 robaday, ever notice how there's an audition element to the play it by ear perspective? Not everyone wants or needs to prove themselves lovable to you. Of course there is - but cant the same be said for "a man who knows what he wants" i.e. "a man who wants exactly what i want"?
tbf Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I agree with you 100%, logically. But is it always that cut and dry? I've heard the line that, "I DO want a future with you; I really love you; I see you as my wife, but __________, _____________, __________." These are excuses that because you love the person, and know their struggles, etc., you believe them. Excuses like, "I tried to start a business and it failed, and now I'm trying to get my bearings so I don't feel I can get engaged right now. But it's YOU I want." Or, "I have to finish [a huge project] before I can think about the future. But I do know I want you in my future." You are with them, and so you see that they really do have [a huge project]. They really are struggling after the failure of their business. So because you love them, you give the benefit of the doubt. Is it ever possible that someone who says these things is being sincere?Look to the now, not the fixit project or potential. A man wanting to lock a woman down doesn't imply monogamy on his part. Some guys want to lock a woman down solely to remove the likelihood of her finding someone else while.... HE FIGURES OUT WHAT HE WANTS :sick::sick:Oh sure, you have the gigs guys and the cake eaters. But they are less of these guys than men who say what they mean. There are no guarantees in life except for death, taxes, the need to sleep, eat and go the bathroom. If you're looking for guarantees, then relationships aren't for you since people change over time too. You and I both got hurt by infidelists. I moved on and found a wonderful man. Isn't it time to let go some of your distrust in mankind? The only person it's hurting is you, if you carry this distrust in your heart forever, leaving no room for honest love. robaday, ever notice how there's an audition element to the play it by ear perspective? Not everyone wants or needs to prove themselves lovable to you. Of course there is - but cant the same be said for "a man who knows what he wants" i.e. "a man who wants exactly what i want"?Conceptually, it's about shared wants. The two want the same goals and that's each other. No ambiguity. 1
Author robaday Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 this had had heaps of interesting responses:) thank you everyone!!! big thing for me is....if somethings working it will lead to marriage settling down, if it isnt it wont....whereas a lot of people see marriage as the end goal and are willing to cut off the potential of the end goal if its unsure.....its two really different ways of looking at it!! I want a big house and until i find that mortage lender willing to lend me the money i wont live anywhere........or i wouldnt mind a big house but for now im happy living in this studio
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Oh sure, you have the gigs guys and the cake eaters. But they are less of these guys than men who say what they mean. There are no guarantees in life except for death, taxes, the need to sleep, eat and go the bathroom. If you're looking for guarantees, then relationships aren't for you since people change over time too. You and I both got hurt by infidelists. I moved on and found a wonderful man. Isn't it time to let go some of your distrust in mankind? The only person it's hurting is you, if you carry this distrust in your heart forever, leaving no room for honest love. Oh, no.... I'm not thinking about my ex-H at all... I'm thinking about the people who resemble the OP... the ones who don't know what they want.. and are often (not always) very damn happy to try and string people along until they figure it out. Like they are entitled to love and connection and investment without any effort whatsoever on their part. La-ti-da...
hudson701 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 A man wanting to lock a woman down doesn't imply monogamy on his part. Some guys want to lock a woman down solely to remove the likelihood of her finding someone else while.... HE FIGURES OUT WHAT HE WANTS :sick::sick: Been seriously burnt by men haven't you? Let it go, love. Your tirade against men is getting tiresome. It shows in pretty much everything you post, you're so very, very bitter.
RedRobin Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) Been seriously burnt by men haven't you? Let it go, love. Your tirade against men is getting tiresome. It shows in pretty much everything you post, you're so very, very bitter. Sorry.. as long as there are lazy 'men' who think that the world revolves around them and their needs, there will be people like me who call them out on it. But to put this back on topic... I don't really know what the OP wants... Neither does he... but he seems to think he's entitled to have female companionship while he figures it out... and also has no clue why this would bother anyone. We/I are trying to let him understand why it bothers some people. If he just wants to freeload, then he's gonna do that. Nothing is stopping him. If he wants to genuinely understand, then he'll take action accordingly to make sure the women he is with don't misunderstand. Edited: There is absolutely nothing 'bitter' about expecting people to state their goals or lack of up front... It is a very fair expectation that those who don't want or can't commit to anyone should avoid weasel words or other flowery descriptions of their preferred lifestyle choice... rather than rely on the people they come across to play detective or drag it out of them. Edited August 29, 2013 by RedRobin
Author robaday Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 but he seems to think he's entitled to have female companionship while he figures it out... and also has no clue why this would bother anyone. We/I are trying to let him understand why it bothers some people. I dont feel entitled to anything - if a girl doesnt want to date me she wont and its not really a case of figuring it out - I cant know or decide my greatest wish in life is to get married or have kids....until im in love and actually want that.....how can i know otherwise? how can anyone know they want to get married unless they have found someone they truly love? thats my point.....im confused at how someone can want something....without the key ingredient - the partner
RedRobin Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) I dont feel entitled to anything - if a girl doesnt want to date me she wont and its not really a case of figuring it out - I cant know or decide my greatest wish in life is to get married or have kids....until im in love and actually want that.....how can i know otherwise? how can anyone know they want to get married unless they have found someone they truly love? thats my point.....im confused at how someone can want something....without the key ingredient - the partner I knew I wanted to go to grad school long before I picked the actual school I wanted to go to. I knew I was ready for that commitment before I sent my first application to the schools of my choice. Same thing with dating... I don't knowingly date men who are commitment averse or have a go-with-the-flow mentality. People who value commitment look for others who also value commitment. If you don't value commitment, or don't need it, simply find women who feel the same way as you. it's not that tough. My guess is the women who say they want a man who knows what he wants... isn't you. No offense. Best if you not waste their time or yours... to answer your original question. If you want to know the reason WHY they make that statement, I hope my answers have shed some light on that... Edited August 30, 2013 by RedRobin
salparadise Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 As much as I dislike such trite, cliché phrases, I certainly understand why people are loathe to aimlessly date someone who doesn't seem to know what their relationship goals are, or where they are in the process. If your intention is to find a good person to marry or create a comfortable, committed domestic living situation, then you are inherently incompatible with someone who has no intention of doing that. It's a given that you have to date someone awhile before you'll know if you're a match or if love will blossom, so it's not a question of "are you ready to commit to ME right now." It's a question of are you willing to commit, generally speaking, when the right person comes into your life. It's a perfectly reasonable question for a man or woman, but it's buzz-kill to insist bringing it up too soon. So some people think they can pre-screen by including this phrase in a dating profile or otherwise slipping it into a monologue, as if doing so obligates the other person to proceed on this premise, and usually to agree to marriage after a certain length of time. Then if it doesn't work out they get to occupy the moral high ground and become a victim. This is BS of course. I tend to pass on anybody that make tons of assumptions or uses trite, cliché phrases of any type and it has proven to be a pretty good policy. 2
thatone Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 And all of these goals primarily stem from the fact that women just can't help comparing themselves to other women. Have a husband? Flaunt him to your un married 'friends'. Don't have one? Drive men away by declaring your intent to be married, pregnant, and housewived by such and such a time. It's engrained into the psyche of huge quantities of women, from childhood..."do all of these (often contradictory) things, if you don't do what they tell you people won't like you, and will make you feel guilty for not doing what they told you to do". All of which explains the booming 'self' help industry, the otherwise perplexing continued success of multi level marketing scams, the baffling sales numbers of Chevy Tahoes, etc etc etc etc. There are entire industries aimed at preying on the insecurity of women and the intended targets just can't help themselves, they respond to challenges of themselves with knee jerk guilt for failing to live up to someone's expectation, even if the someone is a fake persona on a magazine cover or a total stranger. And the industries in question have told these fragile egoes that they are to be married housewives shopping for the products in question on a daily basis, and you, as a man, are supposed to play along with the charade or you're not making her happy and that's your fault. So yes, as someone else mentioned, you can rearrange these little phrases women say into more accurate form, most of the time. "Knows what he wants" means he should want what I want. "Tired of drama" means I am the biggest drama queen I know. "No more bad boys" means I am a sucker for neck tattoos on parolees. And don't take it personally, fellas. It's not like your most recent date sat around for weeks prior to your first meet thinking of ways to make your life miserable. She just copied and pasted it from somewhere else, she doesn't know what she wants any more than you do. She's just more susceptible to letting other people tell her what to want. All of the above being why having these pre decided 'goals' in relationships is, in my opinion, a silly notion. Because women are no more honest in relationships than men are, in fact often less so. Everyone puts their best foot forward and you don't see an accurate picture of the person you're with for the first few months anyway. So as a man, the proper way to handle such cliched challenges is to pretend to be interested and in agreement, then simply disregard, because whatever it is she told you probably isn't even what she wants, nevermind what you want.
tbf Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Oh, no.... I'm not thinking about my ex-H at all... I'm thinking about the people who resemble the OP... the ones who don't know what they want.. and are often (not always) very damn happy to try and string people along until they figure it out. Like they are entitled to love and connection and investment without any effort whatsoever on their part. La-ti-da...While I don't think that all relationships need to last forever after, where some can be fun for right now, if people aren't honest about what they're looking for upfront and as you say, stringing people along with ambiguity, it's a form of lying by omission.
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