Why do women (and men) say "someone who knows what he wants"

[robaday]

Ive thought about this a bit recently as Im re-entering the dating game following an ltr ending.

 

Ill be completely honest, I dont go into things looking for marriage, or anything in particular, I go on a date with someone if i like them and will keep seeing them if theres a connection.........if there isnt I wont - Im confused though, a lot of people expect you to know what you want when you dont know who the other person is fully.........

 

I understand some people want to settle down - thats their choice, and only want to date people who want the same. But Im confused how you can know you want to settle down if you havent met the right person yet?

 

It was a running battle with my ex who used to complain all her friends were settled and she wasnt married yet (wed dated 3 years till late twenties), and id wonder does she want to because shes dating me, or does she want to because all her friends are?

 

Can anyone else understand where Im coming from? my friends keep telling me i need to settle, but truth is i wont until i find someone im really compatible with

[MrCastle]

One of the problems a lot of people run into is trying to force relationships instead of letting things blossom organically.

 

They try to put people into boxes, instead of accepting the relationship for what it is.

 

Instead of saying "Oh, cool. This is fun. We're just hooking up, no strings attached. Alright I could do this for now," they'll give the person an ultimatum. "Either we become exclusive or I'm leaving you."

 

People take relationships too seriously. Try too hard to find one.

 

You shouldn't be looking for one. It happens when it happens. In the meantime, live your life.

[todreaminblue]

i think "know what he wants" could mean.....having purpose........not just fly by night on a wing thats my definition.....soemtimes if a woman says it in as far as dating goes...i fellthink sub consciously she wants him to want her so knowing that he does no stuff arounds but wantign to actually be with her...no wishy washy ahhhh not sure babe...you are cool and all but ya know how it is... ill get back to ya next millenium......btu a defined yes its you i want to date and get to know.....woudl think she doesnt want a multiple dater either.....she needs a guy with purpose and knowledge of what he wants........deb

[CherryT]

Some people aren't looking to date aimlessly. They rather be single than be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

 

I can only speak for myself but I spent 5 years single before I met my SO. I dated but never was "in a relationship". This is because the men I was dating didn't know what they wanted. In my case, the men I dated didn't know if they wanted marriage (ever) and were unsure whether they wanted kids. As I explained to them when I wanted to stop dating them... it is OK for them to not know what they want as it is OK for me to know what it is that I want. I'm not willing to stay in a relationship with someone for years, only to be denied something that I truly want. I am not in the game of convincing or manipulating someone into marrying me or having a family with me so if you're not sure, I'll walk away now because I don't want to waste my time.

 

I've seen many friends in separate relationships who have eventually broken down because they just weren't on the same page. I've had friends wait 5 years, 8 years, 11 years just to have the same answer "I'm not sure". To me, if you don't know you should let someone find someone else who is on the same page as them. Just as they should let you find someone who doesn't consider marriage or kids a deal breaker.

[robaday]

had an experience few weeks back where a mate took a girl out three times - they got along first time, the second date he had doubts but saw her again just to confirm, then broke it off.

 

She said he had screwed her around and wasted her time and used her. To me he did the decent thing - didnt drag it out, didnt waste her time and once he knew she wasnt a fit left.......its funny how two people can have such different opinions!

[CherryT]

One of the problems a lot of people run into is trying to force relationships instead of letting things blossom organically.

 

They try to put people into boxes, instead of accepting the relationship for what it is.

 

Instead of saying "Oh, cool. This is fun. We're just hooking up, no strings attached. Alright I could do this for now," they'll give the person an ultimatum. "Either we become exclusive or I'm leaving you."

 

People take relationships too seriously. Try too hard to find one.

 

You shouldn't be looking for one. It happens when it happens. In the meantime, live your life.

 

 

I agree with Mr. Castle that things should fall organically and that people shouldn't be forced into a relationship. If you feel forced into confining to someone else's standards and wants, it's not the right fit for you. My SO and I met randomly on vacation... he brought up marriage and kids first. It was an instant click... from our personalities, interests, core values and our future wants. I didn't need to convince him of what I wanted or push him to a deadline. It's easy because we both want the same things.

[todreaminblue]

cherry t.....perfect thoughts

 

 

 

Some people aren't looking to date aimlessly. They rather be single than be in a relationship that isn't going anywhere.

 

 

on repeat

 

 

 

To me, if you don't know you should let someone find someone else who is on the same page as them. Just as they should let you find someone who doesn't consider marriage or kids a deal breaker

.

 

exactly...why waste time dating soemone who is not where you are....its a waste of effort, as well as time on both sides...life is too short......

[Ninjainpajamas]

The reality is that many women have a timetable of when they want to settle down and do x, x, and x.

 

Being the man, you are a product of that idealistic fantasy they have in their minds...you're the blank face to fill that role, they're waiting for you to come around and fulfill that.

 

Knowing what you want is meaning that you are also looking for someone to settle down with and looking for the "right girl" therefore once you have found it in them of course...you should initiate progress/lockdown within the relationship.

 

There's an hour glass that tips over when you start dating a woman, it's not just for "fun", they have an agenda and want things to progress...they may lie, put on a facade or pretend their fine with things they are not or mold to your lifestyle or desires in order to achieve that...ultimately with the expectation of that there's going to be a ring on the finger at the end of the day and finally for themselves, things are going to fall into place to where they want them to be...where they want to be in their lives and in the relationship.

 

Men are often just aloof and not paying attention, thinking you're just going to do whatever feels good in the moment. You don't have a grand plan, at least not for today or tomorrow. As long as you come around in the end and end up "on the same page" she'll be happy/content, so that they can start the chapter they've been waiting for.

 

Keep in mind women have different ways of going about this, it's not always going to be transparent and they may have their own commitment issues themselves...even if idealistic/fantasy wise they're ultimately desiring of a particular outcome...that at least fuels the motivation to continue on, there has to be an "end goal" for most.

Edited August 28, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[Divasu]

"Why do women (and men) say "someone who knows what he wants"

 

I wouldn't perceive that statement to imply that you should know right away whether or not someone you just met and/or are newly dating is going to develop into a relationship.

 

I think it means they want someone who knows what they WANT from dating in general.

[tbf]

Take the phrase literally. That the guy already knows what he wants and has found it in the woman. It's usually followed by "isn't afraid to get what he wants".

 

In other words, a guy who's ambivalent about his feelings towards the woman, isn't terribly invested or interested in her if he's playing it by ear. Many people don't want to be Mr. or Miss Okay for Right Now.

[todreaminblue]

I think after "knows what he wants" is usually an implied "that is exactly the same as what I want, or else he's a selfish jerk" these days. I mean what about the men who know they want to keep people tied up in the basement and make stew out of them? or want to drink a gallon of vodka a day? those types certainly "know what they want" too.

 

yes they do so if they were to say what they really wanted...i am sure th elien fo women willing to take them on would diminish.......because no woman really knows she wants to be made into goulash..i would say it would be a fetish more than a want.....stroganoff maybe...would have to have mushrooms though preferrably portabellas...deb

[Ninjainpajamas]

I don't think it's as simple as all that. My theory is, there is NO reason to date someone long term if you have no intention of marrying them...

 

This is a common misconception by many woman....a man can and will spend lengths of time with a woman he has no ultimate desire to settle down with...men are often thinking in the now, not the long-term.

 

That's why the criteria is so wide with the women they engage with, it doesn't necessarily mean a man dates a woman because he saw long-term potential with...after all, he didn't marry her, that's the real commitment.

 

When it comes to a woman that a man would date or marry, it can be as different as the sun and the moon...but it doesn't mean he wouldn't chill on the moon before heading towards the sun eventually.

 

You can also argue that women don't always try very hard to ask the questions and get the answer they don't want to hear or even believe what is happening right in front of their face...especially when they think they can change a man in the end anyway or he'll just wake up and realize how amazing she is and how he'll "never find another woman like her".

 

Young men are often just naive, even older men...of how women actual think and feel, and women don't do a very good of expressing that and communicating themselves either...it's like you have to stumble across the topic like it's a land mine and then it blows up in the guys face...and she blames him instead of herself for not thinking or feeling the way she does like it was his sole obligation to be communicative...if he lied he lied, but otherwise how can you affirm he was lying or just naive/incompetent...men do a lot of things unwittingly and on purpose as well...but so do women because they often think they wield the power to change or influence a man...she's not just being this open and transparent book necessarily, she doesn't want to pressure the guy or "scare him away"....I mean c'mon, either be real and straight-up or you're just playing games as well.

 

Open your mouths, it's what you got one for....both men and women, you don't like being strung along or mislead then communicate, leave no doubt of who you are and what you want/looking for instead of chastise the other person for not taking the initiative because you're just "waiting" or "hoping" for the best.

[robaday]

Ill be brutally honest - I dont know what I want.....Im open to a relationship, Im open to having children but I am also blissfully happy single - the prior three issues to me are not pressing issues - theyd be nice if they happened but Im not really prioritizing them, making my life around them or actively trying to fulfil them......so if someone says they want a man who wants marriage - would i be a jerk for dating her because its not a big deal to me?

 

And I guess thats why this is so interesting....because I regularly encounter people who say "you should get married", "your leading her on" (after saying I wasnt that keen on getting married), "you dont know what you want" (as if thats a bad thing), "you shouldnt be dating for a year if you dont want to get married" (why not?)

[Ninjainpajamas]

Yes, but how can you date someone for 3, 5 or even 10 years when you know you want don't to marry them or claim you don't really want an LTR? What the hell? You're already IN a long term relationship. A relationship that spans many years is certainly not "the now".

 

Because initially they may have never even planned it that way. They found a nice girl, started dating her...ended up in a relationship, 3 years flew by but don't worry, no rush, you're still young...then 5 years, well things are starting to get a bit serious now and fires really under your butt now, and 10 years wow, if she's stuck around by then you got to ask yourself how much of that is her own responsibility, does it say somewhere in the woman's life book to marriage that men commit after X amount of years? and it's a huge red flag for a man due to his own indecisiveness and willingness to be in a relationship he doesn't want to progress.

 

But look at how it started....there were no expectations from that man, he just met a nice girl, started dating her, entered a relationship without ever even thinking about down the road...in fact, had that guy been single and decided he was going to look for someone to settle down with, he would have headed towards the sun instead of the moon, he might not have dating that same woman in the first place because his mentality and emotional availability may be entirely different...does that make sense? that is how men "fall" into a relationship and then realize there are these expectations and requirements to fulfill that they may not agree or feel within themselves but feel obligated to due by either, family the GF, or society in general due to age and what is "mature"...when the reality is, not everyone wants the same thing, but it's not like everyone goes out on a limb to express that and get on the same page either...from both sides.

 

Ill be brutally honest - I dont know what I want.....Im open to a relationship, Im open to having children but I am also blissfully happy single - the prior three issues to me are not pressing issues - theyd be nice if they happened but Im not really prioritizing them, making my life around them or actively trying to fulfil them......so if someone says they want a man who wants marriage - would i be a jerk for dating her because its not a big deal to me?

 

And I guess thats why this is so interesting....because I regularly encounter people who say "you should get married", "your leading her on" (after saying I wasnt that keen on getting married), "you dont know what you want" (as if thats a bad thing), "you shouldnt be dating for a year if you dont want to get married" (why not?)

 

Open to a relationship is different than desiring a relationship, open to having children is different than having them...once is decisive the other is undecided.

 

If you are content being single, then live your life and experience it the way you feel is accommodating to you...but honest and open about that and you might even have to cut someone off who decided they were ok with that at first but then decided they wanted more due to their feelings.

 

Don't force yourself to do something you don't want to do, otherwise you're just going to be unhappy and think the grass-is-greener on the other side, that's the mistake many men make and then they find themselves being unhappy because they're married, got two kids and going to work 9-5 paying the bills, dealing with the kids and everything they need and feel stuck in a situation they weren't ready for...they were hoping that things would just magically change once they were in it, but it often does not, and for some it does it work in some ways, they make at least some peace with their lives and find a new found love and happiness in their children.

 

The thing is, be honest about how you feel and what you want...don't find a nice girl, start dating her, get into a relationship then keep the shet to yourself and not be honest with yourself because you want to keep riding the wave and getting what you want even though you know how she feels, what she wants and is hoping for.

 

There are also some things that just work certain ways, and if you're not clear about being committed most women will feel misled if you're having serous relationship type behavior and feel like things are progressing down the road because they feel like you'd have no reason to back out or not want something that is going so well...they're not just going to say "oh ok, we're all happy right now the way things are and it's cool if nothing changes"...you might hear that but If I were you I don't know how much I'd actually believe it, that's just not the way the cookie usually crumbles.

 

You've got realize that your actions are going to interpreted in ways you cannot control, so you've got to express yourself and also use your sense in not going down a road with a woman you know wants that commitment. It takes a lot of self-control I think for men not to take advantage of women, and often I do believe the majority of the time they fail...that's just life, you can't make the right decisions all of the time although it's not excuse, that's just the reality...men and women are going to settle or make decisions based on their own needs regardless of knowing what they're doing is not exactly transparent or honest...you've got decide for yourself what's crossing the line and what is not, you've got to decide what you can live with...how you can live with yourself because there's no going back or pity parties just because you changed your mind or want to take something back...what's done will be done so be accountable and responsible for your decisions.

 

Ultimately you will bear the responsibilities and ultimate consequences of your decisions...whether you agree with it or not, so it's best to be aware and think about the implications of all your decisions.

Edited August 29, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas

[RedRobin]

I can tell you why this is important to me...

 

Because people who accomplish things in life have goals.

 

yes, they do.

 

I don't invest in people or things who don't have goals, or a plan for their life. My time is important.

Edited August 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

I wish there were an option to kick the 'likes' of un-self-aware people off one's posts... the ones who 'like' because what I said is how they WISH they were... not how they really are.

 

... but since I'm using up valuable post space...

 

OP, I'll answer your questions... don't get involved with anyone who is only interested in getting involved with men who are actively looking for a relationship.

 

Also don't get involved with anyone who is actively looking to settle down and get married.

 

What you want isn't 'wrong'. What they want isn't 'wrong'.... what you ARE is incompatible with people who are more goal and action oriented. You go your way, they go theirs. Life is a lot simpler that way.

Edited August 29, 2013 by RedRobin

[StanMusial]

If she doesn't know what she wants, how can I know what she wants?

 

I know what I want, and I'm not going to waste time with someone who either wants something else, or worse, DOESN'T KNOW. Nobody wants to wake up one day and hear their spouse say, "I don't want to be married anymore." LOL, I seriously know a guy who did that... walked out on his old lady that very morning.

[CherryT]

Ill be brutally honest - I dont know what I want.....Im open to a relationship, Im open to having children but I am also blissfully happy single - the prior three issues to me are not pressing issues - theyd be nice if they happened but Im not really prioritizing them, making my life around them or actively trying to fulfil them......so if someone says they want a man who wants marriage - would i be a jerk for dating her because its not a big deal to me?

 

And I guess thats why this is so interesting....because I regularly encounter people who say "you should get married", "your leading her on" (after saying I wasnt that keen on getting married), "you dont know what you want" (as if thats a bad thing), "you shouldnt be dating for a year if you dont want to get married" (why not?)

 

You definitely wouldn't be a jerk if you expressed that to whomever you're dating. I think the misconception with women is that you need to know right now. Well, no... humans are changing beings and you may feel something one day and completely different the next.

 

If you were someone I was seeing early on and you expressed to me that you're not really sure what you want and that you could be happy married, but you could also be happy single, we probably wouldn't go further than that. And it's not because of YOU not being sure, it's about ME being 100% sure of what I want out of a relationship. Sure, it could be a gamble because you could have been someone who made me very happy... but ultimately if we were dating for years and you were still aloof about the subject of marriage and kids, eventually that happiness would turn into sadness because I wouldn't be fulfilled.

 

I also think it's very dependent on each persons age as well. My 'clock' isn't ticking. I'm still a handful of years away from being 30... however, I know exactly what I want out of a relationship and I'm not willing to just date and be committed to someone just because they're fun. I would prefer to be single and just wait for the right person to be in a relationship with.

[robaday]

Because people who accomplish things in life have goals.

 

yes, they do.

 

I don't invest in people or things who don't have goals, or a plan for their life. My time is important.

 

I understand this and respect it and actually agree. One thing Im trying to find out I guess is what is more important to you - being married or being with the right person?

 

To give you an example a friend had a serious relationship with someone for ten years. They never got married but loved each other a great deal. She broke up with him because he wouldnt propose. And two years on they are still both single and both suffering.....makes me wonder if the importance attached to "marriage" or "labels" ruins things sometimes.....

[CherryT]

Because people who accomplish things in life have goals.

 

yes, they do.

 

I don't invest in people or things who don't have goals, or a plan for their life. My time is important.

 

I understand this and respect it and actually agree. One thing Im trying to find out I guess is what is more important to you - being married or being with the right person?

 

To give you an example a friend had a serious relationship with someone for ten years. They never got married but loved each other a great deal. She broke up with him because he wouldnt propose. And two years on they are still both single and both suffering.....makes me wonder if the importance attached to "marriage" or "labels" ruins things sometimes.....

 

Now this is interesting. When I was in a LTR with my ex prior to my SO, marriage was a deal breaker and so was kids. I've said in the past that I care more about the commitment than the marriage (or the wedding, rings etc). My SO and I are actually eloping first and perhaps we'll have a wedding to renew our vows in a few years... the wedding and such isn't important to us. The commitment is and we want to have a family as well. It's hard to say, because my SO and I are compatible in terms of what we want: marriage and kids. I could say that I'd be happy being committed to him without getting married (but I would still want kids). But I also wonder if other personality traits would change if he didn't want marriage and make us less compatible for one another. The reason why we probably are so open and genuinely both WANT to get married is because we were both raised in really tight knit families where both of our parents have been happily married for 30 years. Both of our parents still go on dates, both of our fathers still buy our mum's flowers and tell them how they're the most wonderful women they've ever met... It's just something we've always grown up with and as children I've been very blessed to see my parents still holding hands and joking and having a great time at 60. I want that for my family.

 

I think what's terrible is the conscious leading on that I've seen really hurt people (not just women, but men). I know a guy who decided to go back to pursue his MBA. He had already been in a relationship for 6 years up until that point. While he went back to school, him and his GF bought a place. He promised her after his schooling they would get married, because she was anxious to start building a family. They were both in their early 30's. Well, after his MBA program finished, he broke up with her and eventually told her that he had no intentions of marrying. And that he liked the way things were and if she doesn't like it to leave. She left and she felt betrayed. Because all this time, he kept talking about getting married after he completed his program and when it was convenient for him to be single, he cut her loose.

[kiss_andmakeup]

There is an invisible addendum on that statement...

 

"Someone who knows what he/she wants (and who happens to want the same thing I want)."

[Zapbasket]

...because of the oft-dichotomy between what people SAY and what people DO...and then because of that tangled up in the confusion of different love languages.

 

I just broke up with someone I've dated for 3.5 years. I'm almost 37. Within the first month of the relationship, I initiated a conversation about how we viewed what was unfolding between us. I was very clear that at this stage I was not interested in pursuing a relationship that didn't have an intention of ever-deepening commitment leading ultimately to marriage. I said that if he didn't see the possibility that there was a potential for this to become a serious, marriage-oriented relationship, then I'd rather back out now. He insisted that he did see that potential with us and that he does himself ultimately want marriage and kids, etc. So I dove in.

 

He was devoted to the relationship, but from the get-go was very, very immature in his behavior (being antagonistic seemingly for the sport of it and then getting annoyed when I was upset, having no clear goals or plans for his life). Now it's clear to me that this was my cue to walk, but as I was new in town and because I bought into his story that he'd hit a series of misfortunes and that's why he was "stuck," I stayed in the relationship.

 

Over three years later, the relationship ended because I kept asking, not even for marriage or a proposal or anything, but simply a CONVERSATION or series of conversations about the future, including discussion of marriage. He had an excuse each time: "Isn't such talk putting the cart before the horse because of the acrimony in our relationship?" "I can't talk about the future until I finish my book." "I promise I am thinking about the future and I will talk with you about it." And finally, "I'm so lost and confused in my life right now that I have nothing to give you." That ended things once and for all.

 

This is an example of someone claiming he knows what he wants in that he knows he wants marriage and he can envision marrying me, but then his actions sent mixed messages: devotion on the one hand, deliberate relationship sabotage on the other. Because I am a kind person overall (and, I'm realizing, a pushover, too), I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed we remained on the same page because he insisted we were on the same page. And it all ended up being a huge morass that ended in bitterness, with me furious with him for being such an indecisive wimp, and him feeling pressured and pushed into a corner.

 

So when you have those conversations at the beginning of a relationship, how can you gauge whether someone truly is in touch with what he or she wants, and is honest with himself or herself about it? The messages are not just in the words, but in a mix of actions, too--and in some cases, the actions speak very different things.

[RedRobin]

Because people who accomplish things in life have goals.

 

yes, they do.

 

I don't invest in people or things who don't have goals, or a plan for their life. My time is important.

 

I understand this and respect it and actually agree. One thing Im trying to find out I guess is what is more important to you - being married or being with the right person?

 

To give you an example a friend had a serious relationship with someone for ten years. They never got married but loved each other a great deal. She broke up with him because he wouldnt propose. And two years on they are still both single and both suffering.....makes me wonder if the importance attached to "marriage" or "labels" ruins things sometimes.....

 

Here's the thing... you either believe in the value of commitment or you don't.

 

I don't believe there is any ONE perfect person.

 

However, I DO I believe there is a person out there who is willing to take the walk of life with me... and that the person *I* am and present to them today... openly and honestly... is enough for them to know that they can have some reasonable assurance that I will be walking it with them too.

 

If they don't want to take that walk of life with someone... one person...then they don't value commitment and I will not enter an intimate relationship with them.

[tbf]

robaday, ever notice how there's an audition element to the play it by ear perspective? Not everyone wants or needs to prove themselves lovable to you.

[xxoo]

I understand this and respect it and actually agree. One thing Im trying to find out I guess is what is more important to you - being married or being with the right person?

 

If I am a woman who wants to be married, a man who doesn't want to marry isn't the right person.

 

Clearly, we want both.