TaintedLuv Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 So as predicted, my mm broke contact yet again but this time there were no threats. Supposedly, a D is now on the table. I don't know what to think anymore. He's weighed out his options and he knows the consequences. Regardless of whether his W discovers our A after the fact, his family will basically disown him as no one in his family has ever divorced and it will be frowned upon. He says he can't give me a timeline but it can't be right now as his W will be delivering any week now. I feel like disappearing. I've lost all emotion from my body after these long discussions. I told him he needs to either move on with her or set a timeline. After laying all the cards out, he comes back with "what if I set a date and don't end up leaving?" Then why is this even being discussed? I'm getting very irritated at this point. I don't know if he's just trying to do anything for me not to walk away at this point but one way or another, I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life.
whatatangledweb Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 It seems as though he is telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear so you stay. He won't give a timeline and nothing has changed. I'm sorry but I don't believe him. 2
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 It seems as though he is telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear so you stay. He won't give a timeline and nothing has changed. I'm sorry but I don't believe him. I don't think he's being insincere but I feel like he's definitely apprehensive about the timing. I told him no way I'm waiting another five years and he said obviously not but I'm just ready to give up and be totally alone.
Owl Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Here's the thing. Until he's at least seperated and actually has a filed divorce going through the works...nothing has actually changed. Tell him that you'll be glad to interact with him once he's achieved that goal...but not until then. 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 You KNOW he is a narcissistic, emotionally abusive man. Why do you want that anyway?? (meaning, even if he were to leave his wife) I just dont get it. I really dont. It would not be a happy life. I know it makes no sense. I don't know what I want anymore. After all this time I just want to runaway.
ladydesigner Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Next excuse will be that he needs to stay with wife as she just had a baby. Usually this is a bonding experience between the parents. I say start that next chapter in your life, why wait for someone unavailable?
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I don't get it. How exactly is divorce on the table? Has he even discussed it with his wife? No. She doesn't know yet.
Owl Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 How exactly is divorce on the table? Has he even discussed it with his wife? No. She doesn't know yet. So basically, he's just blowing out hot air at you. No way in hell he is gonna divorce with a new child due any day now. C'mon. Gawd. Exactly. He's just talking to keep you on the hook. He's not making any changes. Tell him that you'll be interested in seeing the changes once he's made them...but until then, NC needs to remain in place. Call you back once he's moved out/seperated/divorce is filed and in process.
2sunny Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Until the D is FINAL = he is unavailable. When it's final - he's still a cheater... 2
Feb Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 So as predicted, my mm broke contact yet again but this time there were no threats. Supposedly, a D is now on the table. I don't know what to think anymore. He's weighed out his options and he knows the consequences. Regardless of whether his W discovers our A after the fact, his family will basically disown him as no one in his family has ever divorced and it will be frowned upon. He says he can't give me a timeline but it can't be right now as his W will be delivering any week now. I feel like disappearing. I've lost all emotion from my body after these long discussions. I told him he needs to either move on with her or set a timeline. After laying all the cards out, he comes back with "what if I set a date and don't end up leaving?" Then why is this even being discussed? I'm getting very irritated at this point. I don't know if he's just trying to do anything for me not to walk away at this point but one way or another, I'm ready to start a new chapter in my life. Aside from what the other poster's have said (and they are all correct), this man cares about his image to his family and thinks he will be disowned just by getting divorced. How do you think his family will react when they learn he's walked out on a new baby? Let's face it, he's not going to leave with a new baby in the mix. You are mistaken if you think he'll leave "when the baby gets older". In some ways it's even harder to walk out on a 3 year old, 5 year old, etc. when they have bonded and the child is aware they have a father. By the time the baby is a couple years old, then the BS will probably get pregnant again, making leaving even more difficult. It's not going to happen -- time to move on. 1
georgia girl Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Tainted Luv, I know its the last thing you want to hear, but this guy just fed you lines - even if he believed those lines yourself. Divorce can't be on the table if they haven't discussed it. She doesn't know about you. His family will disown him and they are about to have a new baby. He may genuinely desire the relationship with you, but I genuinely fear that it will never be the relationship you want or expect. I think it's time to choose you. Run away emotionally from this gig. Do everything you can to make it impossible for him to find you - change phone numbers, email, move and even quit your job if that's necessary. But start over. It's time. You are so beaten down right now and so frustrated that it's palpable in every line you write. Take care. This is going to be tough and miserable, but I fear it would be 1000X more miserable to stay. Hugs, GG 4
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Thanks for all of Ur responses. I'm sure I sound pathetic right now. I asked him to clarify his intentions and I ended up getting upset. I ended the conversation abruptly and I don't want to hear anymore out of him right now. I need to focus on my life. He says he'd only get a D to be with me so if I'm not an option then no need to leave so I can't say maybe later in life that we'd have a chance. I guess we never did. *Sigh*
Red Wolverine Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Thanks for all of Ur responses. I'm sure I sound pathetic right now. I asked him to clarify his intentions and I ended up getting upset. I ended the conversation abruptly and I don't want to hear anymore out of him right now. I need to focus on my life. He says he'd only get a D to be with me so if I'm not an option then no need to leave so I can't say maybe later in life that we'd have a chance. I guess we never did. *Sigh* He's telling you whatever you need to hear to continue the affair. Now, it's a divorce is on the table but you can't have a timeline. If you pushed, you might get a timeline but you wouldn't trust it anyway so that's a false sense of security. Then it will be the baby, postpartum depression, etc. Any excuse to make him seem responsible and you selfish. By the way, the line about not leaving if you won't have him is proof positive that he wants a soft landing and an excuse to make this your responsibility. His wife is about to have a baby. Sadly, she doesn't realize she's already married to one. 2
jlola Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 He says he'd only get a D to be with me so if I'm not an option then no need to leave so I can't say maybe later in life that we'd have a chance. I guess we never did. *Sigh* So it's ok to divorce his wife after she just had a baby, leave her with a baby and a broken heart,humiliated,lower her self esteem, and uncertain future. As long as he knows you will be there for him. That he can do to her. But HE wants a soft spot to land so he does not have to face consequences alone. What a great guy!! Again proving "it's all about me"!! He is willing to destroy someone and flaunt a new woman in her face. But he is unwilling to be questioned and disrespected by his family. Yes, he should not suffer consequences for his actions. Only his BS.
crederer Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 This all sounds like pretty typical stuff mm say to keep their piece on the side.
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I'm not in IC. I did consider it recently but haven't started since its pretty expensive and I'm saving to buy a home. He wants me to meet him to discuss what he plans on doing and what the options are. Personally I don't see a point but now he's putting it on me that by going NC without talking about the future I'm "short changing" us. Sorry I'm pretty sure he shortchanged everyone including his W. I agreed to meet him tonight if he leaves me alone going forward. :|
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 So it's ok to divorce his wife after she just had a baby, leave her with a baby and a broken heart,humiliated,lower her self esteem, and uncertain future. As long as he knows you will be there for him. That he can do to her. But HE wants a soft spot to land so he does not have to face consequences alone. What a great guy!! Again proving "it's all about me"!! He is willing to destroy someone and flaunt a new woman in her face. But he is unwilling to be questioned and disrespected by his family. Yes, he should not suffer consequences for his actions. Only his BS. This isn't about putting anything in the Ws face. He's never spoken bad of her. He didnt think this through and now has to deal with the consequences. He guilted himself into having this child and unfortunately he wasn't strong enough to make a change in his life without some major catalyst.
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 Nooooooooo. You dont have to agree to meet him. And yuo do you really think he will hold up his end of the bargain and "leave you alone" after? Hell No. Again with the manipulation....YOU are short changing "us" by not meeting. um I'm pretty sure he is short chaning "us" by staying married. I'm really disappointed you are going to meet with him. Reconsider? It would be so damn awesome if you just stood his ass up. Left him standing with his tail bewteen his legs like he deserves. Even if he does contact me, I'm done after today. This is getting ridiculous and it's emotionally draining me. I know I don't owe him anything after everything he's done but if I don't hear him out, he won't stop. At least if I let him say what he has to say he won't have another excuse to bother me.
2sunny Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Thanks for all of Ur responses. I'm sure I sound pathetic right now. I asked him to clarify his intentions and I ended up getting upset. I ended the conversation abruptly and I don't want to hear anymore out of him right now. I need to focus on my life. He says he'd only get a D to be with me so if I'm not an option then no need to leave so I can't say maybe later in life that we'd have a chance. I guess we never did. *Sigh* What a dick! He's so Whimpy that he stays because he can't be on his own. What a completely unhealthy man!!!
2sunny Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 This isn't about putting anything in the Ws face. He's never spoken bad of her. He didnt think this through and now has to deal with the consequences. He guilted himself into having this child and unfortunately he wasn't strong enough to make a change in his life without some major catalyst. And that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM! He created his mess - let HIM live with it. Find happiness on your own!!! 1
2sunny Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 I'm not in IC. I did consider it recently but haven't started since its pretty expensive and I'm saving to buy a home. He wants me to meet him to discuss what he plans on doing and what the options are. Personally I don't see a point but now he's putting it on me that by going NC without talking about the future I'm "short changing" us. Sorry I'm pretty sure he shortchanged everyone including his W. I agreed to meet him tonight if he leaves me alone going forward. :| There's not one single reason to meet with him. Say it's over and act like it is! You can point out that the ones short changed are you - and his wife! 1
Author TaintedLuv Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 I guess I'm just used to catering to his needs. Meeting him would be no different I suppose. I guess one of us should grow a backbone right?
73Fras Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Why do people keep doing the same thing but expect different outcomes? 2
happy stillmore Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Trained love, I wouldn't see him. I would say you are moving on and tell him it would be pointless to meet as you are soooooooooo done with him. He is hoping to meet you again and then be the sweetest man ever to win you over. Probably even have flowers in his hands. You will feel some control over your situation if you just say no. Be strong and true to yourself. Good for you in working towards your goal of buying a home. You can bet he will try to weasel into moving into your home IF he ever left his wife.
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