How do I feel? Dating vs. being a relationship

[treadlightly]

Hi everyone! This is my first post. I've seen some of the discussions on these boards and was amazed by the insight and back-and-forth conversation taking place. Definitely feels like a community here.

 

Both in mid-20's. Since our friends introduced us to each other earlier this year, (not as a romantic introduction, just as friends), we've been seeing each other relatively long-distance (across the state). Since then, we've just clicked. I really can't say it any better; the connection was just natural. We've gone on several vacations with each other. We we see each other (two weekends a month, sometimes more), we surprise each other with random, but immensely thoughtful gifts. We have a lot in common, both past experiences and current interests. We go out to drink, dance, and pig out. Hugs turned into hand-holding turned into kisses turned into intimacy. It was a natural pace, and it just felt right.

 

What's more, our friends only have good things to say about us, even to the point of her friends pulling me aside and wishing me to "please make this work." Every time I see her friends, I never feel like a tag-along or merely playing the role of "boyfriend;" they seem to enjoy my company as do I theirs. She even tells me that her friends tell her "he's our favorite." She also appreciates the effort I make to get to know her friends and just get to know them when we're going out. You could even argue that some nights out, I give more attention to her friends than to her. Not a bad thing, because her ex('s) have generally filled the role of that tag-along boyfriend when the group goes out.

 

Earlier last month, we had a discussion about being exclusive. I mentioned that the labels "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" have no meaning in and of itself, but it doesn't mean that there's no commitment. I let her know that I see us as something special, and I want it to last. Not for the next months, not for the next year, but just for us to progress more and take it from there.

 

A few weeks later, she brought up that whole situation of "exclusivity," and to the desire to "go back to square one." She mentioned that she still likes me, and still very much wants to date me, but "isn't ready for anything serious right now." Reasons include just getting out of a serious relationship (late last year or so), and that she wants us to know each other better. I told her that I agreed, that I don't want to drag anything through the mud, because this is something special. She said "I know, and that's why I'm being careful with it." She feels at this stage, she doesn't want me to be that guy she complains and dumps all her problems onto; she wants me as that guy she has fun with and shares warm moments with.

 

It confuses me as to what dating versus being a relationship means. Maybe such a black and white word, "exclusive," wasn't the best way to put it -- but there's no denying that we were together. She knows that I'm not seeing other people, and I know for sure she's not seeing others either. The things that we do and feel together are things that couples do and feel. And she's definitely not the type that needs attention from a guy; she can hold her own when she's alone. I have no compelling reason to believe that she finds infidelity agreeable.

 

I'm not sure why, but I since then I've almost felt guilty for being with her. For calling her. For taking up her time. Last weekend when we took a trip with her group of friends, I felt like a burden, that is was a task to talk to me. I understand that she hasn't seen these friends in a while, so I gave her her space from the beginning and mostly hung out with her friends. But I also couldn't help feeling that I was actively being ignored.

 

It just hasn't felt healthy lately, though when we had our talks about this last week, I felt assured that things were going to be okay. There's no doubt that she opens up to me more and more comfortably about her personal life, and that she values my insight. She tells me that everything she tells those close to her, she wants to be able to share with me too -- she just wants me to WANT to know more. Again, going back to the whole "I want us to know each other better" situation.

 

So in the end, what's your take on this, LS? I understand that she might not be ready for a "serious relationship," per se, but there's no denying the togetherness over the last couple months. Getting closer to her through the months, I just feel that there's something deeper than just "dating," whatever that means. And I know those warm feelings are reciprocated (though not necessarily equal as of late).

 

BTW, I read homebrew's topic about GIGS. It definitely sounds like part of the situation. Good stuff!

[clia]

Earlier last month, we had a discussion about being exclusive. I mentioned that the labels "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" have no meaning in and of itself, but it doesn't mean that there's no commitment.

 

Was this the first time you had actually discussed being "boyfriend/girlfriend" and/or being exclusive? Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like you rejected the "boyfriend/girlfriend" label? I disagree that it has no meaning, by the way. It is an outward expression of your relationship. To a lot of women it has a lot of meaning.

 

I let her know that I see us as something special, and I want it to last. Not for the next months, not for the next year, but just for us to progress more and take it from there.

 

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but this sounds kind of wishy washy and noncommittal to me. Like you acknowledge that you two have something good, but you don't want to put any labels or boundaries on it. You just want to see where it goes.

 

Bear with me...

 

A few weeks later, she brought up that whole situation of "exclusivity," and to the desire to "go back to square one." She mentioned that she still likes me, and still very much wants to date me, but "isn't ready for anything serious right now." Reasons include just getting out of a serious relationship (late last year or so), and that she wants us to know each other better. I told her that I agreed, that I don't want to drag anything through the mud, because this is something special. She said "I know, and that's why I'm being careful with it."

 

This seems like a huge pull back on her part, and I wonder if it has anything to do with your reaction to the "boyfriend/girlfriend" label and/or exclusivity? Maybe she felt rejected and it made her rethink how she felt about you?

 

She feels at this stage, she doesn't want me to be that guy she complains and dumps all her problems onto; she wants me as that guy she has fun with and shares warm moments with.

 

While in theory it may sound nice that she doesn't want to share her problems with you, I don't think it's a good sign. Part of getting closer to someone is being part of the ups and the downs. What she wants sounds like FWB -- a good time and that's it.

 

It confuses me as to what dating versus being a relationship means.

 

To me, dating means that you are not exclusive or committed. Being in a relationship means that you are those things. If she isn't ready for anything serious, it seems to me that you are free to date others. Don't treat it like a relationship if she won't acknowledge it as a relationship.

 

So in the end, what's your take on this, LS? I understand that she might not be ready for a "serious relationship," per se, but there's no denying the togetherness over the last couple months.

 

Based on your more recent interactions, it sounds like she has lost interest in you. Has anything else happened? I am not a big believer when people say things like "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now...just hang in there and we'll see what happens." That's typically a cop out excuse. To me, that means you are not the one for her. When "the one" comes into her life, she will drop everything like a hot potato to be with him. If she was in love with you or felt strongly for you, do you think she would risk losing you? I don't.

[FitChick]

I agree that you blew it with the "It's only just a label" talk, much like people who say marriage is no different than living together. Wrong on both counts. She wanted exclusivity and when you didn't offer it, she decided to stop wasting her time. If you think the relationship is worth saving, better confess to being an arse and beg forgiveness and tell her you only want to be with her. Find a way to close the gap soon.

[treadlightly]

Thanks for your honest feedback. In terms of interest level and all, I've been feeling that there are ups and downs. I feel that lately, she really doesn't know what she wants out of herself, out of me, or out of us. I know that she still thinks about me. She still texts me random snippets of her day and what she's up to. A couple days ago, she invited me to go on a trip with her family during Christmastime.

 

I know the whole "exclusivity" talk threw her off. Maybe the realization that things were getting serious might've startled her. But she knows that I'm committed, that I'm not just here to be FWB's; we both openly agree and understand that intimacy doesn't come without emotion.

 

I'll be seeing her this weekend. In many cases, I just want to have fun and enjoy our time together. But unless we make some progress or get on the same page through discussion, I can't continue in this state of uncertainty. It's an imbalanced interaction that we've been having. At this point, I'd like to believe that I'm ready to tell her that I'm ready to go our separate ways. If nothing else, my self respect tells me that it's best to leave now than drag it out. I'm not a selfish person by any means, but the situation over the last month has been unfair to me.

[treadlightly]

Sorry! That section about "exclusivity" might've been misunderstood!

 

The reality is this: I, not her, mentioned that I'd like for us to be exclusive. She happily agreed. A couple weeks later, she came back with the whole "square one" talk.

Edited August 28, 2013 by treadlightly