I am the One losing My Mind

[Trying2MakeIt]

My situation is typical. Dated this woman for 2 .5 years. I worked between Chicago and NY, where she lived. Yes long LD, and I should have known better. Yet because we are both over 40, now 43, thought we could handle things. She works and lives in NY and has a kid who has aspergers at 20. Well we started off great, Im was there very often due to my job. She was always glad to see me . Every day on the day We spoke on where we wanted to eventually settle. We mentioned North Carolina because of her ailing mother with cancer. My job at the time had an office in Charlotte so it would worked out great for me. We even found a home in burbs to put down a deposit.

 

Well to mention during these 2 years my girlfriend started to have financial woes due to what she mentioned was her Moms hospital bills. We both visited her down in North Carolina, and agreed to allow her to stay due thats where her specialists were. TO get my girlfriend back on track, I did the yes then unthinkable.. paid for her rent, expenses, even her son tutoring until she got caught up with the bills. I figured why not since we were going to soon be married and get the home in Carolina. That total to 20K in over 2 years . Well the dam broke when I lost my job do to cut backs...I couldnt keep doing what I was yet I tried. I was amazed how my girlfriend was falling behind yet I would send 100 dollars here and there to make sure food was at least on the table and that we continued tutoring for her son. She indicated that she still had my back and we would get through it togehter. Yea right....Well over 6 months. I helped out where I could, but had to keep my head over water. She was very depressed, and I admit my ex suffered from self-esteem issues due to her weight. THese issues were growing every week. Yet I would tell her everyday how beautiful she was, and how I would stand by her not matter what. She shrugged it off. Yet we talked every single day, and she swore on her undying commitment. I agreed to move to NY where I found a job. We would still work it out.

 

Over these months I was laid off she was get moody ok angry. This was a trait of hers yet I would see it more often. However she didnt treat others the same way. She was just as kind. I started asking okay you are ignoring the red flag? Yet I ignored the signs as she would apologize. Hey i truly loved this lady.

 

Her friends are single and divorced and they go out , alot. She started going out more. Then I announced one morning I took the job in NY , she said well thats on you. I was shocked. like what??? She didnt answer. Well later that evening she sent me a note on Facebook, yet a 42 year old woman, that she is dumping me and best wishes. I did the begging and why thing, and she became so nasty. I knowing what I know ask okay, you found someone else or emotionally invested...she indicated she didnt and she was offended. It was the distance. Well I said I am in NY now, she said well too late, it already did its damage.

 

Forum , I know I should know better. Yet why am I so devastated. I am in non contact now yet this killing me. As she acts if she could care less. Still claiming her innocence on finding someone else. This has been going on 2 months. She even wanted to see me one weekend and broke NC. When I said I couldn't because of work, she claimed I was liar and never wanted to see me again, cut off complete contact.

 

Is this woman a narcissist? Liar, or not waste my time? And despite all that is happened why am I so hurt by this ....

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like she liked the fantasy of you saving her from all of her issues, but when it came to a true commitment she backed off. She definitely used you for emotional and financial support, then when life and you became real (her issues + you moving to be near her) she cowered up and backed off.

 

She's selfish at the very least. It may hurt right now, but you really dodged a bullet here. Life with her would have been very unpleasant.

[Trying2MakeIt]

Thanks Great advice ...I know deep down inside she used me. Just seemed so surreal. Its like she used distance as an excuse, then when distance was not an excuse. She took tail and run, no not ran cut off. I was soooo emotionally involved in the woman and her family (son, mom) its just difficult to see how she could just cut me off. Thats why I was so sure, as it still maybe that she had or has someone else less of a threat to her. Someone where she can control the situation. Thinking more this woman was a narcissist. Then maybe not. Its just so devastating. The relationship breakup is hard enough , yet I can get through that. Its the part where it seems it went from her so deep involved, our plans, to now its like I never existed at at all

[Trying2MakeIt]

Just to add , after she dumped through a social media network. We went NC for 6 weeks as mentioned. Then she asked to see me since I was now in NYC. Because I was busy that weekend with work, and yes a little hesitant as well, she indicated that because I didnt , she would cut me out her life forever. Very manipulative. Who knows maybe something else fell through and I was going to be back up. Or maybe I was always back up. I know its not my problem anymore, I should just move on. Back to NC. Yet this crazy, how a person can not only go from so hot to cold, yet so nasty and ungrateful and just disrespectful in some of things she said. Im like is this the same person from the past 2 1/2 years???? Why didnt I see this? Things I would never imagine her, despite it all would say. Just having a hard time grasping, particularly now since I moved to NYC to work and live in such close by to her now. uggh

[Philosoraptor]

She is selfish, simple as that. Playing the victim and your (likely everyone else in her life as well) emotions in order to get her way and also making you feel bad for holding her to her word or feeling like anything you did mattered.

 

I had one like this myself. Manipulative and selfish, and always flipping the script to make it seem like I was the one being selfish. I eventually wised up and got her out of my life.

[JDPT]

Your story resonates with mine. I dated a woman for roughly 4 years and essentially walked her through some of the hardest moments in her life. I had a well paying job, simultaneously going to school, had my own place, fancy car and would take her out anywhere she wanted to go. I was there for her as emotional support, financial support amongst a million other things. Fast forwarding to roughly 3.5 months ago, I unfortunately lost my job and finding a new position has been rather challenging. And this is when she conveniently decided to dump me.

 

I believe I was no longer of use to her as she hinted me that, that was the reason why she was letting me go yet didn't have the guts to say it straight forward to me. She turned 40 last month, and I just like you was dumped through email. When she finally had the decency to contact me after countless efforts made on my behalf for us to have a conversation and put an end to this, she went off at me and stated to simply leave her alone. This was a side of her I have never witnessed or experienced. I had the opportunity to disclose to her how juvenile I thought it was of her to dump me through email.

 

What I realized after many hours of analyzing what occurred in retrospect, was that I was simply a vehicle for her to accomplish her goals and objectives. She works and has a well paying job in addition to launching her own business which appears to be panning out. I guess she no longer has time for me or deal with our relationship as I have not heard from her at all since she decided to dump me and neither do I care to know how she is doing and quiet honestly I hope I never had to see her ever again.

 

Focus on moving forward. I understand you went above and beyond for this woman, paying her bills and helping her through difficult times in her life and understand that she was simply unappreciative as she could not show you the same support while you were going through moments of despair. She clearly did not reciprocate you. Her selfish demeanor has hurt you enough. You need to feel good about yourself as you were a stand up guy and stuck through it although things weren't so great. And that's what couples do, they help each other out regardless of what financial situation they are in. They don't just call it quits because you aren't solvent, that's not love or perhaps it never was. Chin up and know that you always did the right thing but sadly she could not appreciate you.

Edited August 29, 2013 by JDPT

[Trying2MakeIt]

@Philosoraptor and JDPT....Exactly right thanks very sound words. To think about it, its not so much she dumped me, it was the way it was done and her cowardliness about it. Her mean and outright disrespectful things she said out of nowhere. I know to demonize me but come on. Wow she took it the extreme. For example, there is a common community site I use to frequent that she moderates. Over 3500 members. She indirectly puts our business out there to lambast me. I am saying is she 22 or 42? Who does that??? I left that site, went back to NC, now she is playing the victim. Admit she is a attractive lady, and plays the why me role very well , so she is getting sympathy from everyone. Of course those guys who hope to move in are being more than accommodable. She is loving it. Very cold. Think we use to spend nights talking about people like that and how she would never do such a thing because she believed in "karma". Yes she would go there with the purity stance. Well Not my issue anymore. Yet so devastating how she would do that, even using me with her terminally ill mother and son with special needs . It like one minute Im there, and the next totally written out the show like I never existed (Tv analogy). Okay you wanted me gone, yet why you had to be so disrespectful about it, particularly with someone who has been there so much for you?? ...Great mystery I guess never solved. Grieving...but hey what can I do.