Feeling betrayed, back stabbed and hurt

[SarahOne]

I'm not even sure where to start here, I feel like there is so much to convey and the situation is complicated.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We knew each other as teenagers and then reconnected when I was 26 and he was 30. He has 1 child who is almost 17 that he had a few years before I met him, he was a young teen parent. I also know his child's mother very well, they split up before I met them but did their best to communicate and co parent throughout the years. We all hung out together as friends in those later teenage years.

 

Fast forward 10 years and we all live in different states, but still keep in touch. For the sake of telling story we will call my boyfriend Josh and her Ash.

Ash wanted me to move to her state after she got a huge work related opportunity to form a company. She called me to help her out and I made the jump, all the way across country to come work with this person and start a different life. Ash is married now with a couple more kids. Around the same time, Josh was laid off and decided to move back to the state his daughter is in. Ash offered josh a position in the company as well. It was me, Ash, her husband and Josh. Things were settling into a groove, Josh and I were together and all was good. Over time, we started hearing from outside sources (close family and friends to Ash and Husband) that she was a liar, self serving, greedy, and just has bad business practices. Family members of theirs expressed great fears of us getting involved with them due to how they had been screwed over by them. This was all AFTER I already moved across the country so I was already in the situation, unbeknownst to me any of these issues existed.

 

At first, we didn't see or experience that, and we argued in their defense for so long. But, not long after, we started to experience the same things we had been hearing about. Lies, not getting paid when promised, the amount promised, duties changed, Ash was very self serving, manipulating, she lied constantly about anything and everything. They (Ash and her husband) got caught up in the lucrative business we were in, did a lot of bad things, and lost sight of what really mattered. We broke off, went on our own and swore we would never work with her and husband again. During that time we had a breakdown in friendship in addition to business. Seeing the lying, manipulating, and selfishness in business obviously made us all separate personally too. For the most part anyway.

 

So after we separated business wise and Josh and I went on our own. that was about 2 years ago. Then, Josh started to go over to Ash and Hubby's when we would fight or argue. Him and Ashs hubby were friends and I had no problem with that. Well then I found out that he was running to Ash and telling her our relationship problems, crying to her, and just bitching about me to her. I'm all about releasing your thoughts and feelings with your friends, but a woman? AND your ex? It didnt sit well with me. Lets remember how much he would talk behind their backs to me (specifically her because she was the main source of most of the lies, bad business ethics and behaviors), but then running over there when you're upset with me? For some reason I let it go. I trusted him and didn't want to be silly. I felt like I could trust him, but not 100% and I was right.

 

I found out that the last time we went over there, which was about 8 months ago during an argument. He went over there and started telling Ash specifically about all the things that him and I have previously vented to each other, about working with her, her work ethic, her manipulations, etc. He basically threw me under the bus. Not only did he run to her and start telling all his relationship problems (he likes to be a victim), but he actually had the audacity betray my trust and tell her things that him and I discussed in private to each other. AND, OF COURSE he failed to mention that HE was right there beside me participating just as much if not more.

 

I feel like this was a truly pathetic move. I feel like this really shows his character and is it even possible to go back from this? My respect for him has almost completely diminished.

 

A little about Josh. He is extremely attractive and seemingly confident. Until you get into a relationship with him. He then becomes needy, clingy, whiny, and sex obsessed because he thinks sex and physical affection are what equal love. I can be there to support him in every way, listen to all problems, support his decisions, support his wants and desires, pay for things, cook dinner nightly, be kind to his friends and family, plan (and pay for) almost 100% of all trips, etc etc....but the moment I don't have sex with him after 2-3 days or longer, he thinks I don't 'love' him. It's quite exhausting. It used to be really really bad but I will say it has gotten better, though still exhausting. He used to have to sit near me all the time, need me to acknowledge him often while in big groups or he would cause a scene, etc. He still does these things just not as extreme. I have been VERY open in my communication with him and telling him everything I'm saying here. Otherwise the changes he has made wouldn't have happened.

 

He's a good guy in some ways, but other things about him are draining and I definitely feel like he is NOT loyal or trustworthy. He has only partially taken responsibility for running and betraying me to Ash, he's playing word semantics but has basically admitted it. He's just trying to make it seem like its not as big of a deal as it really is. Which is IS a HUGE deal! What kind of MAN does that? That is the ultimate betrayal. He's done it before in some type of capacity by running over there to tell her about our relationship problems, but totally went beyond that by betraying my trust and telling things we have talked about in confidence. He is supposed to be MY partner in life who I can trust with anything. He is supposed to be my safe person, as I have been his and would NEVER do what he did in a thousand years.

 

I feel like be wants to be liked and accepted so badly, or have people on his side, that I can't trust him as far as I can throw an elephant. I can't tell him anything again or vent to him because I see him as a little rat who wants to be liked by anyone and will do anything to get it.

 

Am I overreacting? He's trying to make me think that I'm crazy and yes he was wrong but he wouldn't do it again. I just can't believe him. I'm 30 and don't want to waste anymore of my time. I deserve loyalty just as I give it and have NEVER been anything but loyal to him, probably too loyal now knowing what I know.

 

 

In addition to all if this we have our problems. As I said he's extremely insecure and defensive. He creates drama sometimes where it's unnecessary. An example: my best friend is making a huge life decision and moving to the state I live in. I was shocked, excited and happy and called him to share the good news. The first thing he said to me was "so does this mean we are breaking up?".

WHAT? Huh? What are you talking about and where do you get that from??? Everything was fine with us, we weren't fighting, it was a normal day...? How did it turn into him or our relationship? That is what I mean about his insecurity and defensiveness. Stuff like that happens often.

 

We went to visit my family across the country for Easterast year, I had friends and family I hadn't seen in 10 years. Josh was there too (and was flying back home with me) and got mad and caused a scene that I wasn't "acknowledging" him enough.

 

On the same vacation we went to my nephews bball game, my niece (who I was visiting and never see) who is 14 wanted me to sit next to her on bleachers, which I did and josh got mad because I didn't sit next to him. This man is almost 35! He caused a scene and it was so humiliating in front of my family. He realized after the fact what he did and apologized, but when things like that keep happening it really doesn't make a huge difference.

 

When we go out, if he has too much to drink he can't be trusted. Even if I'm there! Right in front of me he will do things that are in appropriate and something I would never do! He'll say 'oh that girl wanted to have sex with me" after he gets back from getting a drink at the bar. On one recent occasion at a work function where I introduced him as my life and work partner, 2 minutes later a girl comes up and asks if he's tried the candy flavored drinks yet, which had candy in it and she's scooping out the candy looking like shes going to feed him while he's telling her she's happens to be drinking his favorite drink. People were looking at me like "ummm didn't you just introduce that as your significant other". It was embarrassing and I feel inappropriate. He thinks I'm crazy yet again and thinks he did nothing wrong or embarrassing to me or inappropriate in any way.

 

He tells me he will go sleep with other people when I don't give him the sex he wants sometimes, but then says that I know he's mad and doesn't mean what he's saying and I should know that. I have never nor would I ever threaten him like that.

 

Also, I have to be his EVERYTHING. His mood and life and happiness all depend on me. That is too much for me! I need him to be happy because HE is happy, not because I'm happy. I can't worry all the time that everything and a anything I say may be taken offensively and crash his world. It's a lot to be someone's everything and maybe I'm crazy but I don't think that's how relationships are supposed to be.

 

He CAN be a super good guy, is funny, sweet, very attractive, can be romantic, gives massages, and can be very accommodating and worshipping. I think that he is only so worshipping and accommodating because he wants to be liked, loved, and accepted but ill never really know. Part of me feels like if I step out he will replace me very quickly, and latch onto another woman and make her his goddess. I sometimes feel like it doesn't even have to me be, as long as he has woman who will love and validate him that's all he needs.

 

I've made this way longer than anticipated. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for as I think my answers are right in front of my face. Someone to talk it through with, I guess. Any input is valuable to me and so appreciated.

 

Thank you

[GuyInLimbo]

This is the divorce forum.

 

And your b/f, or whatever, is a dick.

[ChooseTruth]

Running to someone of the opposite sex to talk about relationship problems is an EXTREMELY common way for affairs to start. You definitely have cause for concern. That whole crowd (H + the other couple) sounds like bad news.

[littlejaz]

Get out now. It will only get worse and you will end up alone. No one can be someone's everything, and then he will cheat. Cut your losses and get out now.

[hayewils]

My ex did the very same thing.. She was always on the phone with her best friend in Indianapolis all the time when she came home.. then they would text constantly..

At first, it didn't bother me, in fact in never really bothered me cause I knew how close they were together. They are best friends..

As a matter of fact, her best friend in indy was the maid of honor at our wedding.

I didn't ever think anything of it till my ex left and moved out. It was then when I started analyzing, started to think about things. What exactly was so wrong in our marriage that my ex just checked out like she did?

Why didn't she ever tell me?

Why didn't she just talk to me when I asked if she was ok? If she needed to talk?

I realized she didn't need to talk to me or vent her frustrations because she was venting all her frustrations to her buddy a thousand miles away..

It was then I started to feel the betrayal.. Like I was used. everything that happened was so unfair to me. Even when I asked her if she needed to talk. It is so so wrong for the one you care about to vent and talk to others besides you. It is not only wrong but completely unfair to you.

In my view, it was the ultimate breakdown in our marriage.

yes I do have my responsibilities in this but, if she was a better person and talked to me as her husband, we more than likely would not be in the situation that we are today..

I know that her friend in Indianapolis knows the whole story that my wife had trouble with. that is not fair to me

 

a little something to consider..

[Mystery2Me]

Pick up what's left of your self-esteem....Run NOW!!! He immature and frankly you are too, stop allowing him to behave badly.

 

What you have is a co-dependant entanglment that has very predictable cycle. He offends/dis-respects you...you become upset (assume victim role) setting false boundaries...and you both make up. Then you start all over again.

 

Please stop before you really get hurt, you have been shown he's crazy and uncaring so YOU must take responsibility for yourself.