TheMink Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Well I'm finally glad to say that I'm making the transition from the Breaks and Breaking up sub-forum, to here. I've been heartbroken for months now but I'm finally coming out of it and beginning to date again. (17 year old male) I started chatting to a girl a few weeks ago, and things have been going really well. We seem to gel together really well, and we've been talking on the phone a lot, and from what I can tell she definitely seems interested. I was beginning to think that she was everything that I was looking for coming out of my previous relationship however it seems it was too good to be true. Firstly she has been clinically diagnosed by a doctor with BPD (borderline personality disorder), and from what I can tell from being on these forums long enough is not a good thing. I haven't really done much research on the disorder so I was wondering if anyone could give me an idea of how it might affect a potential relationship? Secondly her breakup with her last boyfriend wasn't the cleanest. I was quite surprised to hear that she was pregnant with his son, however had a miscarriage. However, I'm a very cautious person in regards to that, so I definitely plan on using protection as it seems that was lacking. And thirdly, which seems to be the worst of the lot is that she cheated on her boyfriend one month into the relationship, and I've heard the saying 'old habits die hard'. So obviously I am quite apprehensive about becoming involved with this girl, rightly so I believe. I'm prepared to try and work through those kind of issues, although I know that I'm not going to be able to 'dive into' the relationship head first considering I need to be weary of these things. I'm not sure what to do? I really really like this girl, and I want things to work out between us but I'm not sure if it's possible.
clia Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You are right to be apprehensive, and I think you should run, not walk, away from this girl. You are 17 years old. You can do better than this girl. Why would you willingly enter into a relationship with someone with BPD and a history of cheating and pregnancy already? (I'm assuming she's around your age.) Why would you even want to "work through these issues" with a girl you've only talked to for a few weeks, who you have absolutely zero history with? Why not go find a 17 year old girl who doesn't have all these issues? I'm quite sure they exist.
Keenly Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I see you have managed to find my ex girlfriend. 1
Philosoraptor Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You already see the issues and know that they are going to be big hurdles. You also see her past behavior and know that there are a lot of red flags. What makes you think your time would be well spent getting into a relationship with her? What positives outside of chatting as friends does she seem to offer? I'm not saying she's not worth your time or the risk... but you're young. There are plenty of girls your age that don't have these issues and many are too young to have any real baggage... why not keep looking around a bit?
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Bad news dude. You need to break out of the norm of girls you seem to be attracted to . Apparently, you seem to be attracted to girls with a hellva lot of baggage. A Spanish philosopher once said, " If we don't learn from our past, then history is doomed to repeat itself."
Author TheMink Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I feel as though I'm not attracted to girls who have a lot of baggage, because in both situations so far I've discovered the baggage later on, it's more like my personality seems to attract girls with baggage. I already know that if I do become involved with her I am going to be very cautious so I don't get hurt. I don't feel like I'm looking for anything too serious at the moment anyway, just some affection and a close friend. I feel as if I can deal without getting too involved with her, which might be harder to do than I think, but I am confident. I also feel as if I might regret not giving it a go
forgetmenot75 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I'd run as fast as I could. You are flirting with disaster here
Downtown Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I don't feel like I'm looking for anything too serious at the moment anyway, just some affection and a close friend.Mink, until your GF has had at least several years of therapy treatments, she is incapable of being "a close friend." I say this because BPDers are so emotionally unstable that they are unable to trust themselves and, until they learn how to do that, they are unable to trust anyone else. This serious deficit undermines all LTRs because trust is the foundation on which all friendships (and marriages) must be built. Moreover, her inability to trust YOU means you can never really trust HER -- because she can turn on you at any time. Importantly, this lack of trust will not be apparent when you are in the courtship period, which can last as long as six months after you've started dating. During that period, a BPDer's infatuation over you will convince her that you are the perfect guy, her savior who cannot harm her. In this way, the infatuation will hold her two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay, allowing her to trust you and tolerate intimacy throughout the courtship period. Sadly, as soon as her infatuation evaporates, those fears will return and start distorting her perceptions of your intentions and motivations. If you would like to read a description of what typically happens when those fears return, I suggest you read my posts in Rebel's thread, starting at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/275289-crazy-i-think-but-i-love-her-anyway#post3398735. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Mink.
chados Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 i know a person with borderline, i guess you could say we dated a Little back in the Days. i didnt know this at that Point. and i didnt see any signs. but later i did. she got a boyfriend but was still hitting on me. this only happened when she was drunk though. didnt do anything of course:p she did the same with my friend. this doesnt mean it got anything to do with borderline. but i know for a fact that the chances are higher for people thats been diagnosed. now im not a doctor but this is what i got from her and Another girl that i dont know but my friends do. emotinally unstable. by hearing about her past etc from my friend. in need of attention. she would like most people go for the guy she likes the most. but in the end it doesnt matter that much as long as she gets attention. they often have a hard time dealing with their feelings. they can get paranoid. maybe because they're afraid you'll leave them. even though you show no signs. they often have a history of hurting themselves. from wikipedia: show impulsiv signs in at least two different things that could cause problems. for example, alcohol, medicin, sex, eatingproblems, spending a lot of Money. and i can confirm that one girl got the sex and alcoholproblems. i guess it takes time for them to become as comfortable with it as possible. if their not it can be really hard to understand them. would i trust someone with borderline? i dont know. but i can tell you this. even if it has to do with them being sick or not. Always be careful if they show signs of being a cheater or anything else that could ruin a relationship.
salparadise Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 I feel as though I'm not attracted to girls who have a lot of baggage, because in both situations so far I've discovered the baggage later on, it's more like my personality seems to attract girls with baggage. I already know that if I do become involved with her I am going to be very cautious so I don't get hurt. I don't feel like I'm looking for anything too serious at the moment anyway, just some affection and a close friend. I feel as if I can deal without getting too involved with her, which might be harder to do than I think, but I am confident. I also feel as if I might regret not giving it a go Hmmm, you don't quite seem to get what people are saying. Getting involved with a BPD is not the same as dating someone who happens to have a birthmark on her ass. We are talking about serious mental/emotional issues that WILL affect your mental health if you get involved. Downtown is being kind (and overly optimistic) with what he says about her needing years of therapy. The truth is that while therapy could result in some improvement, the BPD ain't goin' away. Re: your final sentence above––not unless you're a masochist. Why would you knowingly make such a choice when there are nice, healthy women running around all over the place? 1
theonlyjuan Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 You could maybe get involved with her but not too involved? See how it goes but don't become too emotionally invested in her, if all is well after a while then go for it. Or you could just walk away and save yourself some potential hurt, but who is to say it won't happen with another girl? Take a risk or not
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