ornim141 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Hi, Obviously on here because I need advise with my current r/ship. Will keep it as brief as possible. Start seeing a girl about 7 mths ago, she was just out of an 18mth relationship so said she didn't want to rush into anything which was fine with me. Eventually though we became a proper couple, going to weddings, family functions, going away together, sharing popcorn etc!! Anyway her sisters & friends had warned me that she was a "commitment-phobe" but she was absolutely mad about me and their in-joke was that we would get married because of what she told them about me. I asked her about her commitment issues and she told me there was 2 reasons, 1 was that she was unsure as to what to do with her life, go travelling, work etc. and secondly she was sexually attacked so found it hard to trust men. She had only told 1 other person (female) about the attack before so the level of trust with me is obviously quite high. We spoke about this for a while and to be honest thinking back that was the moment I realised I was in love with her. Since then things have been great, although with her job being so stressful she can seem distant at times. I keep getting the overwhelming urge to tell her how exactly I feel. She doesn't tell me directly what she feels about me because of said issues but she keeps saying "my friends & family think we'll get married", I ask why and her reply is "because I tell them all about you" and it must be positive if they're saying that. The only time she lets her guard down a bit is after we've had a drink. I don't know whether to tell her and risk scaring her by my level of commitment to our relationship or wait a while to try find out exactly what she thinks of me, at least then that might minimise the risk of her retreating a bit. I can't exactly ask her friends or family what she thinks because they would most likely tell her I asked. Although they keep asking do I love her. All I say is that if I am in Love I'll tell her first not you because I know they'd spill the beans. So my question is do I risk telling her and not hearing it back or just try have a conversation with her and see where she is at emotionally? Thanks for any help
Keenly Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Instead of telling her. Why not show her over the course of six months . Start off slow. Surprise her with flowers when you aren't even scheduled to hang out. Build up to something big like a weekend away together. And all the thongs in between those two.
Author ornim141 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 That is good advice but the problem is I do things like that already and have been doing so for a while, I'll buy her flowers or little gifts out of nowhere or for no reason in particular. And pictures of what I buy her always get posted on social media site because she likes them so much. I think it's plainly obvious how I feel but ultimately until you actually say it, there's no way of knowing what she feels I guess.
todreaminblue Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) Difficult....take it slow your gf told you at the beginning she wanted to take it slow..... one thing i do know about some women who have gone through sexual abuse is they tend to avoid confrontation like the plague and are most likely to retreat if confronted....or they fight.......fight or flight due to anxiety levels triggered by confronting thoughts or actions from another in my opinion maybe it would be a good idea, to see how she feels...dont come on strong and see where she is at with no pressure.......after food is good..not during not before.........have a relaxed conversation see where she is at dont put on any pressure....and from what you have posted the woman likes you....you just need to take it slow......that's my opinion anyway.to talk about you with her family....you are that special guy she cares about .........best wishes....deb Edited August 28, 2013 by todreaminblue
clia Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I think at seven months into the relationship (I'm assuming you are bf/gf) you are completely entitled to have a conversation with her to see where she is at emotionally. It is also in no way at all too soon to tell her how you feel and that you love her. I think most people hit that point in a relationship within 3-6 months. Just don't turn it into some big, long, drawn out conversation. Keep it short and succinct and see how she reacts. I've dated commitment-phobes, and they all, without exception, turned out to be a complete waste of my time. If you are afraid of scaring her off, that could well be the best outcome for you, so you aren't wasting another seven months on someone who can never commit to you fully.
Author ornim141 Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) in my opinion maybe it would be a good idea, to see how she feels...dont come on strong and see where she is at with no pressure.......after food is good..not during not before.........have a relaxed conversation see where she is at dont put on any pressure....and from what you have posted the woman likes you....you just need to take it slow......that's my opinion anyway.to talk about you with her family....you are that special guy she cares about .........best wishes....deb I think speaking to her is probably a route I should go down, maybe not tell her all my feelings but to get an idea about hers. But the way she talks about me to her family gives me some idea. Even her father who disliked every one of her previous bf's and his current son-in-law, appears to have a lot of time for me and thinks I'm the right person for her. I think at seven months into the relationship (I'm assuming you are bf/gf) you are completely entitled to have a conversation with her to see where she is at emotionally. It is also in no way at all too soon to tell her how you feel and that you love her. I think most people hit that point in a relationship within 3-6 months. Just don't turn it into some big, long, drawn out conversation. Keep it short and succinct and see how she reacts. I've dated commitment-phobes, and they all, without exception, turned out to be a complete waste of my time. If you are afraid of scaring her off, that could well be the best outcome for you, so you aren't wasting another seven months on someone who can never commit to you fully. As I said above I think a conversation is the way to go. I do want to be cautious because I know she is opening up to me more than any other previous bf, she trusts me more, she talks to me more, she has less insecurities around me, her family & friends think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her so I think she is (slowly) becoming more committed to "us". I just don't want to undo all the work I've done by blurting out I Love you and her closing up shop again. I don't think shes scared of commitment as marriage is often mentioned, even in a jokey sense, but it takes her longer to get to certain points due to her trust issues. Edited August 28, 2013 by ornim141
Recommended Posts