Screwed it up

[Jadedbyluv]

Sigh. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to dating. I get into negative thinking and end up pushing people away.

 

I've mentioned it a few times already. I met a guy I really liked. We have a lot in common and I felt a great connection. Some back story, I have quite a bit of insecurities from being in an abusive relationship. I'm afraid to open up. When I get close, sometimes I subconsciously push people away. It's really tough to get back into dating but I know someone will be patient with me and understand.

 

Back to the new guy, he called me one night last week after a night of drinking. He expressed he wanted to give us a shot and see where things went. He said he thought we would be a great couple. He even asked me to go on a trip with him. He said a lot of stuff to me. I thought it was super great he was able to open up but I also felt like this is too good to be true. He doesn't mean any of this. The negative thinking kicking in.

 

I reached out to him on Sunday to ask about his weekend. He said he felt like death from partying too much. He mentioned hanging out during his drunken phone call so I was going to see if he wanted to get together. He had to hang up before i could ask bc he wasn't feeling well. Texted him saying hope you fell better. A little while later, I texted him again asking if he meant everything he said during the phone call and if he still wanted to hang out monday to let me know. It was his idea originally to get together. He didnt respond that night so I coughed it up to him being sick.

 

Monday rolls around no word about hanging out. I tried calling him but his mailbox was full so I shot him a text saying I was still looking forward to hanging out. He texted saying he left his phone at home. I asked if he was feeling any better and he said he just woke up from a nap. Nothing about hanging out so I told him to have a good night.

 

No texts or anything from him yesterday so I text him this morning. I told him to have a good day. He responded telling me the same. I asked him if he still wanted to try and get together, he said probably not because the rash of messages the other night, he has packed it in. And he was going with his gut on this.

 

I tend to try and resolve everything. So i responded back and i told him I was sorry to overwhelm him but I like him and thought he was a great guy. I told him opening up to me freaked me out, and I wasn't sure how to react.

 

Basically, I've screwed it up again. My insecurities got the best of me and I did exactly what I thought I would do. I told a friend of mine when I first started dating him that I met a great guy but I was going to screw it up. Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I was kinda taking his lead with the whole hanging out thing bc that's what he expressed. Now I look crazy and desperate. I'm so confused why he expressed all that stuff just to change his mind. Is this a complete lost cause?

[Philosoraptor]

If you feel like your own issues are getting in your way, you need to take the time to heal and correct them before you can maintain a healthy relationship. Until you fix the cause you will continue to follow the same pattern.

[Jadedbyluv]

That's what I was in the process of doing. I've been seeing a therapist and I told her I need to work on myself before I can be in a healthy relationship. Then this guy just came out of the blue. I was just going to go out with him to gain more dating experience but I ended up really liking him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sigh. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to dating. I get into negative thinking and end up pushing people away.

 

I've mentioned it a few times already. I met a guy I really liked. We have a lot in common and I felt a great connection. Some back story, I have quite a bit of insecurities from being in an abusive relationship. I'm afraid to open up. When I get close, sometimes I subconsciously push people away. It's really tough to get back into dating but I know someone will be patient with me and understand.

 

Back to the new guy, he called me one night last week after a night of drinking. He expressed he wanted to give us a shot and see where things went. He said he thought we would be a great couple. He even asked me to go on a trip with him. He said a lot of stuff to me. I thought it was super great he was able to open up but I also felt like this is too good to be true. He doesn't mean any of this. The negative thinking kicking in.

 

I reached out to him on Sunday to ask about his weekend. He said he felt like death from partying too much. He mentioned hanging out during his drunken phone call so I was going to see if he wanted to get together. He had to hang up before i could ask bc he wasn't feeling well. Texted him saying hope you fell better. A little while later, I texted him again asking if he meant everything he said during the phone call and if he still wanted to hang out monday to let me know. It was his idea originally to get together. He didnt respond that night so I coughed it up to him being sick.

 

Monday rolls around no word about hanging out. I tried calling him but his mailbox was full so I shot him a text saying I was still looking forward to hanging out. He texted saying he left his phone at home. I asked if he was feeling any better and he said he just woke up from a nap. Nothing about hanging out so I told him to have a good night.

 

No texts or anything from him yesterday so I text him this morning. I told him to have a good day. He responded telling me the same. I asked him if he still wanted to try and get together, he said probably not because the rash of messages the other night, he has packed it in. And he was going with his gut on this.

 

I tend to try and resolve everything. So i responded back and i told him I was sorry to overwhelm him but I like him and thought he was a great guy. I told him opening up to me freaked me out, and I wasn't sure how to react.

 

Basically, I've screwed it up again. My insecurities got the best of me and I did exactly what I thought I would do. I told a friend of mine when I first started dating him that I met a great guy but I was going to screw it up. Self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I was kinda taking his lead with the whole hanging out thing bc that's what he expressed. Now I look crazy and desperate. I'm so confused why he expressed all that stuff just to change his mind. Is this a complete lost cause?

 

Don't be so quick to blame yourself in this case. HE told YOU he wanted to see you again, and then left you hanging by not responding at all. If he wasn't up for hanging out on Monday, he could have at least had the courtesy to respond and let you know that. He didn't. He chose instead to brush you off and then tell you he wasn't interested? What a coward. I really don't think it was just the "rash of messages"...that sounds like a flimsy way to tell you he's just not into it anymore. Don't let make you believe it's all your fault; he could have manned up a lot more here.

[clia]

IMO, it is a lost cause. You have to be really careful early on in a relationship not act too needy and to blow up someone's phone. You already know you screwed up, so I don't mean to pour salt in the wound, but you have to learn how to be patient. You have to learn to sit back, put your phone down, and wait for him to contact you. It sounds like you are already working on this problem, so good for you.

 

I was kinda taking his lead with the whole hanging out thing bc that's what he expressed.

 

You weren't "taking his lead", and here's why:

 

I reached out to him on Sunday to ask about his weekend. He said he felt like death from partying too much. He mentioned hanging out during his drunken phone call so I was going to see if he wanted to get together. He had to hang up before i could ask bc he wasn't feeling well.

 

I think the initial reaching out was probably fine. But after he hung up, that is where the conversation should have stopped until he contacted you again.

 

Unfortunately, it didn't.

 

Texted him saying hope you fell better.

 

Did he respond to this? I'm guessing no. This text might have even been okay, standing alone.

 

A little while later, I texted him again asking if he meant everything he said during the phone call and if he still wanted to hang out monday to let me know. It was his idea originally to get together. He didnt respond that night so I coughed it up to him being sick.

 

Now you've gone and brought up a bunch of serious stuff he said when he was drunk. A lot of things sound like a great idea when you are drunk. Here you should've waited for him to bring up hanging out on Monday. He hasn't mentioned it since he was plastered.

 

Monday rolls around no word about hanging out.

 

This, coupled with his lack of response to your text means he didn't want to hang out on Monday.

 

I tried calling him but his mailbox was full so I shot him a text saying I was still looking forward to hanging out.

 

I'm cringing even reading this. This isn't following his lead -- this is pursuit.

 

He texted saying he left his phone at home. I asked if he was feeling any better and he said he just woke up from a nap. Nothing about hanging out so I told him to have a good night.

 

By this point, you really should've taken the hint.

 

No texts or anything from him yesterday so I text him this morning. I told him to have a good day. He responded telling me the same.

 

You are really chasing him now.

 

I asked him if he still wanted to try and get together, he said probably not because the rash of messages the other night, he has packed it in. And he was going with his gut on this.

 

This is how quickly the tide can turn in the early days of the relationship. You are much better off allowing the guy to take the lead. You should sit back and respond warmly and timely to his messages and calls. Also, if a guy hasn't responded to your text, do not text him again. A flurry of texts are a big red flag for most people.

[Jadedbyluv]

Wasn't dating so much easier when texting and technology wasn't involved? I get I should have been patient. It's tough when I let the self defeating thoughts get in the way. Instead of waiting for him to respond, my mind went straight to negative. And I ended up overwhelming him and looking crazy.

[Treasa]

I don't text.

 

If someone likes me, he/she can call me or email me, but I don't start dating via texting. For one thing, it makes things too casual. And it gives the expectation that the other person will or should always be able to answer.

 

Go out, have fun, do things, and don't wait around. Make plans so that sometimes you have to tell a guy that no, you're already busy, and not have it be a game.

 

Value your own time if you want anyone else to value yours.

 

Also, as clia said, don't chase. I was also cringing reading that.

[TintedChrome]

/me finally disengages cloaking device.

 

He calls you after getting roaring drunk. He can't hold a conversation with you because he's too hungover. He can't respond to your texts because he's still too hungover. He doesn't follow through on his suggestion to get together with you.

 

He's a gigantic loser and you're better off without him. Consider him a bullet dodged. There's far better men out there for you to chase and be chased by.

[Jadedbyluv]

During the drunken call, He initially asked to hang out Saturday. That he would break his plans to spend time with me. I told him not to do that. He said to come over on Sunday so that's why I called Sunday. I knew Sunday was up in the air because of my schedule hence him saying definitely Monday.

 

Why am I wrong for only trying to make plans that he originally suggested? He probably didn't end up remembering out convo which is fine even though he said he would. He could have just said hey I don't feel well enough to hang out let's reschedule. I probably would have been more at ease and not overreact to his lack of response.

[Jadedbyluv]

Don't know about his being a "gigantic loser," but he doesn't seem interested and was some rude in keeping you hanging on plans. He used your messages as a blameshift for his brushoff and that's rude too, but people do the same thing millions of times a day. As long as there weren't some huge amount of messages you left, you did nothing wrong, and should be glad not to be with someone who gets so hung over that it messes with their life to that extent. Good luck finding better options.

 

At this point, I realize he's not interested any more. But why bothering just a few days to go to tell me how much you liked me. I don't get it.

[Treasa]

After you reached out to him on Sunday to ask about the weekend, and he said he wasn't feeling well, you should have said, "Ok, call me if you want to do something and I'll see if I'm available. Hope you feel better!"

 

And then stopped contacting him and leave it on him.

[clia]

Why am I wrong for only trying to make plans that he originally suggested?

 

Because he wasn't responding to your efforts to do so. What you were doing became "wrong" when you kept pushing it despite his lack of response to get together. Also, he was probably feeling crappy and hungover, and as a result your stream of texts may have annoyed him more than they normally might have. You just have to learn when to stop.

 

But why bothering just a few days to go to tell me how much you liked me. I don't get it.

 

Because he changed his mind after you started chasing him. It happens.

[Jadedbyluv]

So many shoulda, woulda, couldas. It does suck.

[forgetmenot75]

He was drunk when he called you. You shouldn't take him seriously.