Logik Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If I could go back to when she left 4 years ago, I would've done things way differently. But I suppose that's why they say hindsight is 20/20. I thought I could save it. I thought I had a chance to keep my family together. What a joke. How naive? Instead of "enabling" her and "giving her her space" and not arguing with her decision, I should've sent her packing. This is what my response would be now if I had the chance again, "You want out? Fine. There's the door. The kids stay here. They don't want out of this family, you do. Go." Perhaps this is why I'm still broken. Perhaps it's the fact that I was a doormat, totally emasculated. Too "kind". Too scared to put a foot wrong incase she's gonna change her mind, tiptoeing around her. No wonder I can't move on. No wonder I can't trust anybody again. No wonder I'm still bitter about it and still hate her. I just don't know. I haven't dated anybody since. That can't be right.
revitup Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 This is bad for you and a good lesson for the new people here. If I were the wayward one and my spouse went NC and 180's on me....I would want her that much more.It wouldn't make me not like them,it would make me wonder where I went wrong. When the shoe is on the other foot and we are cheated on and hurt,we somehow think it wrong to take care of ourselves? It's due to that fog and the ambush tactics they have set up over time. I see (now) no reason for any person to sit around and hope a wayward one will behave.They are wayward for a reason. Many here have said "if they love you they don't leave you".That one statement more than anything woke me up in the beginning.It just plain makes sense. Sorry you have held on so long.Happy you can now let it go. REVITUP 1
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 It's due to that fog and the ambush tactics they have set up over time. That reminded me of a stellar post on another forum by a legend who went by Chrisner. RIP bud. NOT a slam on you, Logik, but rather for the benefit of the new guys: ASSAULT THE AMBUSH It’s interesting how many men react to their wife’s adultery with such trepidation and fear. They simple don’t understand the dire emergency and threat adultery is to their marriage. It’s always about the fear of their wife. Fear of her anger. Fear of “pushing her further away”. Fear of losing their precious adultery stained marriage and perhaps if they do nothing it will all go away and maybe they won’t even get a disease. In other critical situations most men will act quickly and decisively. A sort of intuitive understanding to “assault the ambush” mentality. Don’t hide behind a stump until they pick you off. Charge! Hey, they might get you anyway but at least you have a chance. Right? For example you are up in Alaska and suddenly are confronted by a Kodiak bear. And he’s hungry. This also qualifies as a dire emergency and threat. Fortunately you are carrying a .300 ultra magnum caliber Remington Model 700 BDL rifle with a 26 inch barrel and gloss walnut grips and your collection of trophies from NRA competitions in you den back home indicate you know how to use it. The 1,400 lb. bear wipes away his drool and charges. What-ya gonna do Bubba? Negotiate? Hide behind a stump? Not likely. But when your 125 lb. adulterous wife tells you “If you (fill in the blank with an action that stands up to her adultery), I am going to stomp my feet and put on a super pout!”, you assume your fetal position on the floor of the guest room. “You’re right honey. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to push you further away. I’ll be in the guest room if you need me for anything as soon as I'm done arranging the flowers I bought you.” I don’t know guys. This gets embarrassing sometimes. Where has all the testosterone gone? 3
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 To continue: "The house catches on fire in the night. A man scrambles to get his wife and children safely out at whatever peril. The boat capsizes in deep water. A man scrambles to get his wife and children secured to the hull until rescue. A vicious dog attacks the family at a park during their picnic. A man inserts himself between his family and the dog at whatever risk and takes it out with a salad fork. The front door is kicked in by home invaders. A man barricades his family and sets up his defensive position to the death if necessary with his Les Baer 1911 Premier II Super-Tac .45. (I gotta get one!) The man’s wife commits adultery with the intent of taking everything she can get including the kids to spend the rest of their life with her sole mate and the man meekly launders a load of her new sheer panty and lingerie collection and then slinks away into the spare bedroom. Because doing anything else is too scary. sigh" 4
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 "It is an approved maxim in war, never do what the enemy wishes you to do, for this reason alone he desires it.- Napoleon I She wishes you to be amicable and cooperate. She wishes you to be neglectful of her emotional needs. It fuels and justifies her decisions. She wishes you have angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments. It fuels and justifies her decisions. She wishes you to be needy, clingy, depressed and pathetic. It fuels and justifies her decisions. And most of all, she wishes you will keep the adultery, "Your little secret." Go with Napoleon on this one." 2
GorillaTheater Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 "Understand that your wayward wife really believes to her core right now that there will be a happy future with this POS, 14-year younger married dirt ball and that you will be "amicable" to help her achieve it. Make it clear now you will be as "amicable" as a starving lion fighting for the last remains of the wildebeest. When a wayward wife has withdrawn from her husband and enters a romantic relationship with another man (and in your WW's mind she has), her husband is now sitting outside the marital castle walls and the draw bridge is drawn. Sitting on the bank of the moat hoping and watching 'patiently' will not get you back into the castle. You have to prepare to both siege AND ASSAULT the castle. Does that sound stupid and melodramatic? It's not. You are at war and frankly losing RIGHT NOW! She does this so you will go quietly into the night and become a "friendly" co-parent and support and enable her adultery. Don't fall for this. She is just buying time with it. Let her know that if this is her plan, her "friend" is about to become the equivalent of a pissed off wounded Grizzly Bear. And she's the one who stuck it in the ass with a penknife. There is a very common theme among the many former wayward wives that this board is so blessed to have. That is, the beginning of their wake up call from this self imposed nightmare began when their betrayed husbands manned-up, stood up and in no uncertain terms proudly made it firm and clear, that there is no room for another man in his life or his kid's life. Wayward wives have NO respect for their betrayed husbands. Start getting that back today. " 1
Mystery2Me Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) Hi Logik, From this woman's view::: You ABSOLUTELD DID NOTHING WRONG!!!! Just let me offer you that upfront. She and these WW-spouses are Wrong. A husband fighting for his marriage is a sexy thing, I pray to find someone would have that level of concern for his beloved. They are masters orchastrating a seemless change before our very eyes....than can ONLY truly be understood after time has passed. Do not apologize for being a real Husband, was trying to save his marriage and family. Seems to me (maybe I wrong) but you had no idea how low they will sink to create chaos, and that is really their ultimate goal. So no matter what you did if crazy-chaos was her game then that would be her outcome. Questions now that you are loosed and rid her, what is Logik's outcome? You seem still full on in the grieving process, and maybe seeking IC will help get you out of this destructive anger-depression loop. Now the tough love bit, Logik you are too good to let this sorry @#*! steal another second of your life. Too many good women (including me, lol) need a good, good, good, man....please do not let her ruin a deserving woman's chance. Finally YOU, deserve the love and support of a good woman, who adores YOU. It's not about getting over being angry at her....rather it is about getting into Logik. ~Cheers-Mystery Edited August 28, 2013 by Mystery2Me 3
Steadfast Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 ...Instead of "enabling" her and "giving her her space" and not arguing with her decision, I should've sent her packing Very few men are prepared to deal correctly when this happens friend. All too often, we learn the proper response well after the fact. Myself included. Advice: Hate the actions, not the person. hate is not healthy for you. Dating? Only when you are ready. 1
revitup Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Gorilla and then Mystery- The One / Two punch. Problem is....They said everything I was thinking...so this is all I got! REVITUP
tojaz Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 If I could go back to when she left 4 years ago, I would've done things way differently. But I suppose that's why they say hindsight is 20/20. I thought I could save it. I thought I had a chance to keep my family together. What a joke. How naive? Instead of "enabling" her and "giving her her space" and not arguing with her decision, I should've sent her packing. This is what my response would be now if I had the chance again, "You want out? Fine. There's the door. The kids stay here. They don't want out of this family, you do. Go." Perhaps this is why I'm still broken. Perhaps it's the fact that I was a doormat, totally emasculated. Too "kind". Too scared to put a foot wrong incase she's gonna change her mind, tiptoeing around her. No wonder I can't move on. No wonder I can't trust anybody again. No wonder I'm still bitter about it and still hate her. I just don't know. I haven't dated anybody since. That can't be right. Logik, eventually you have to let yourself off the hook. There is no right way or wrong way to go about these things. Had you taken the more aggressive approach that you describe here, you would most likely be posting how you wished you'd tried a softer approach. You can "what if" yourself to death if you like, but eventually you have to just understand that you did the best you knew how with a situation that was out of your control. Personally, I look back, and yes there would have been a certain amount of satisfaction in letting her know in no uncertain terms what I thought about what she was doing, the damage she was causing, and the people she was hurting besides just myself.... grinding her "kindred spirit" boyfriend into a fine powder when I had the chance would have been fun too. In the end though, I don't think I would change much aside from a few slip ups along the way. I'm pretty happy that my fingerprints aren't anywhere near that particular trigger, I'm proud that I gave it every chance and that when things got rough I was able to put our marriage first, even if she couldn't. TOJAZ
Steadfast Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 There is no right way or wrong way to go about these things. I'm almost positive you don't mean that Tojaz. Ass kissing and living in limbo is most certainly the wrong way to react to betrayal, as is rewarding bad behavior. If you really believed that, why post advice? You can "what if" yourself to death if you like, but eventually you have to just understand that you did the best you knew how with a situation that was out of your control. This I do agree with. As everyone knows, there's no going back in time.
tojaz Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I'm almost positive you don't mean that Tojaz. Ass kissing and living in limbo is most certainly the wrong way to react to betrayal, as is rewarding bad behavior. If you really believed that, why post advice? I mean every word in the context of the rest of the post. Meaning there is no cookie cutter answer to these situations. Is living in limbo the wrong way to react? Depends on your desired outcome. I will agree that it is not fair to the person forced to do it, yet there isn't a single reconciliation that doesn't go through that phase. So to stand for your marriage in an affair situation will always mean living in a state of uncertainty. The only way to guarantee an outcome is to turn your back. That's not the right answer for everyone. TOJAZ
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