KarmaComa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) First of all, I would like to thank you all posting here in LS. You are a real beacon of reason and good advice in times or heart torment. God Bless you all! I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of heart! You kept me company and were my guardian angel during my first weeks after my BU . I am the Dumpee. I also notice that matters of heart remain the same, regardless age group of persons involved. This is my forth post of my quite long first post, where I got some harsh but correct answers. Here’s my new situation. History. Day 23 post BU. Relationship of 9 months (Ages her 43 me 43). I was actually the doormat to ease her through a very bad divorce (controlling husband 20 years of wedding.). I was NOT the OM. She already had decided to leave her H by the time we met…. Helped her stand up on her feet again. Had an amazing 9 months together where she said A LOT about how I am her other half etc. Suddenly , after she recovered and felt strong, she breaks the news out of the blue, that she needs to be alone to experience freedom after 20 years of marriage and wants to feel desired as a woman (she’s 43) and she doesn’t want to feel again stuck in a relationship. That she needs that, as a woman who never had freedom. I Said I would honor her decision. She asked me to remain in her life cause I am the one that really give her strength and cannot afford to lose me (Royal BS) . I declined politely. And went NC. Then the Line of Breacrumbs starts: 2 days POST BU – she sends “I miss you text”. I reply –-NOW I know it was wrong.- I reply generic “ good evening thank you for the message” and go NC again. 7 days days POST BU – she sends “I am thinking of you ”. I reply –after 7 hours-NOW I know it was ALSO wrong.- I reply generic “ Your message was unexpected. Good evening. ” and go NC again. 9 days POST BU- she sends “I want to pass by your house and help me with my laptop.”. I CAVE. I tell her, ok, come in a few days. She immediately says “two days is too soon. I don’t know if I Can. I will let you know”. Then she starts a huge text monologue “why don’t you talk to me? I want you to talk to me. Please I would love to hear your news, I don’t want to lose you, I miss you, blabla. I reply I cannot be her “friend “ . She says I don’t want you as a friend – you are closer than a friend, I want to to feel that you are next to me. ” (Nothing about I want you back I am sorry for the pain I caused you) On the day that she would come to my place she sends “It’s a great pity but I cannot make it today. Can I call you to reschedule our meeting some other day to pass by your house?” I said “we’ll talk and we’ll see..” Next day I learn from a common friend (with whom I haven’t been in touch for quite long) that she has a new BF already (rebound?). I was crushed. Devastated. Yesterday night she returned from a 4-day vacation with him (we have common friends and I was informed ) I receive this text : “Hey, So when is it a good time to pass by your house and see you? I really want you to tell me your news” Is she fishing? Is this an Ego-Boost? Maybe she had a bad time with the rebound on vacation? My head is about to explode….. I do really want her back, but I know that I my only “friend” is time…. Time for her to pass the honeymoon stage with the rebound Guy…. And time for her to really realize, if she wants to reconciliate. . I have never ever since the BU initiated a text message or communication. I admit I am guilty and feel stupid for falling for the ol’ breadcrumbs in my age…. I haven’t replied to her yesterdays text. My question is should I go TOTAL NO REPLY –NC, or say just something in the lines of “I’m too busy these days, I will contact you when I can….” Which I find more polite. I would love your input…. I know that her wanting passing by my place DOESN’T mean she wants to reconcile- hell she was with the rebound/GIGS guy for vacation until yesterday!!!! Edited August 28, 2013 by KarmaComa typo
Soat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 How did you feel when found out about bf? Hurt right? Then you know the answer. Wipe her from your life 1
Nicoleiia Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Don't talk to her anymore. She's on vacation with rebound guy AND sending you breadcrumbs after she dumped you??? There's nothing left to say to her. Please stay NC for atleast 6 months. No doubt you will receive more crumbs, but ignore them and move on with your life. She's bad news. 1
barky2 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Agreed. No contact. You will be filling her emotional void. Do not contact. Stay strong...we've all been thru it. Barky 2
Author KarmaComa Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 you are all right..... I am so ashamed of myself right now..... I mean my brain screams "STOP ALL COMMUNICATION" and yet my stupid heart says "maybe you should be polite and declare that you want NC"... I have a bittersweet smile right now..... So yes...... i will do that as much as it feels like dipping my arm in a barrel of razorblades........... I will just ingore and delete her text. I will keep you posted. Thank you again all of you, for the encouragement and the help.... First battle won i guess ....but there's a war to win.....
lop98 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Do not reply to that!, we've all been there... I kept getting similar crap even after my ex was already in a relationship... do not underestimate a rebound relationship, you never know how it may evolve and how serious it may become regardless of how started and keeping that in mind, just drop her from your life, go truly NC by blocking her number so you have no way of getting all these texts... they're only slowing your recovery and trust me, it is so hard to ignore them and it hurts and it will hurt for months but you will get to a point where you feel free, stronger, with self-respect and far away from that 'doormat' box she's put you in. 1
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 you are all right..... I am so ashamed of myself right now..... I mean my brain screams "STOP ALL COMMUNICATION" and yet my stupid heart says "maybe you should be polite and declare that you want NC"... I have a bittersweet smile right now..... So yes...... i will do that as much as it feels like dipping my arm in a barrel of razorblades........... I will just ingore and delete her text. I will keep you posted. Thank you again all of you, for the encouragement and the help.... First battle won i guess ....but there's a war to win..... That's the biggest problem with most. The person that we established a loving a caring relationship with; when they contact us, it feels like we need to automatically respond. It feels natural to respond immediately. So, the next time she reaches out to you. STOP!!! Take a deep breath and think! She blew you off to spend four days away with some other guy. Then, post here instead of responding to her. People will be here to walk you through this. 1
Author KarmaComa Posted August 29, 2013 Author Posted August 29, 2013 (edited) So the weirdest thing happened yesterday.... As i was at my office reading LS and feeling the heart ache hammering my body, an ex-fwb with whom i've lost contact for more than 7 years, out of the blue, sends me an email "Hi stranger! Remember me?"..... we had a thing back then,good looking girl, with a high sexual drive, but somehow i felt that it wasn't the person with whom i would want a relationship. Sex was good, but didn't want to invest emotionally so it was all clear from the beginning that we would be something like FWB. So to cut to the chase, We ended up same day yesterday (she works 3 blocks from my office, but didn't know that) having coffee, and ......eventually making out in my car after the coffee.... She is in the same situation (wants a free relationship with me, exactly the FWB type we had back then.) Told her that i am recently BU and the last thing that passes from my mind right now is entering a new relationship, but the FWB thing is something that could work... we arranged to meet tomorrow at my place.... While i felt desired and "Alpha" again cause she, out of the blue, reached me.... when i got back home, i felt empty, more broken, more weak. All i could do was unintentionally compare her with my Ex and my Ex "won" in all aspects.... eventhough i was thinking "BUT she blew you OFF, and spent 4 days on vacation with ANOTHER GUY, snap out of it and grow a pair!!!" it was hard for me to cope and these tohughts continued and made me miserable..... Today i woke up better and immediately, the FWB girl called me to say "Good morning i wanted to say hi". My initial thought was "NO. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE" but i gathered strength and kept it civilized. I have many second thoughts of seeing her sexually tomorrow.... One part of me says "go for it! She wants you, you've told her your situation and all is clear that this will be a sexual event without emotions involved," while the other part of me says "you are not ready to invest even sexually. You're still in pieces, bleeding....you need time" I know that many guys might say "Are you crazy dude? She's an old FWB, she wants the same, and doesn't ask anything in return, just GO FOR IT it will make you feel better..." but since i am an deeply sensitive person i have second thoughts..... would like your point of view in this..... Edited August 29, 2013 by KarmaComa typo
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