MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) 2nd thread in this community. Well, I ended an almost 5 year relationship last week. Its now 8 days since I've spoken to her, and she to me through any communication. Main reason for me ending the relationship was it just didn't feel like she was 'the one' anymore (it did feel that way, but something changed and I'm not sure what). I had been thinking of it for a few months, wondering what I'm going to do about it when during a call, she asked me why I was so distant recently. That was the firestarter, she'd noticed! I couldn't hide the fact that my feelings had changed anymore, we had a lengthy phone converstation right then and there about us. I obviously didn't want to potentially end the relationship over the phone, so agreed I would see her the next day. The idea was to talk about this problem, get it in the open. I respect this girl 100%, I seriously didn't go there with the intention of ending it that night, but that is what happened. Once we got talking, I knew I had to end the relationship, I couldn't take another year or more of her life down a path I considered wrong at that point. I had already continued it for perhaps up to 6 months longer than it should. We hardly argued when we were together and this breakup was no exception, she did have a little bit of anger during it which is entirely understandable (I expected more). She proposed we go on a break, I declined. I didn't feel it was fair to her to have false hope that we would get back together after the 'break'. How do we decide how long that would be? 1 week, 2 weeks, a month? what then? I'd feel presurised to have an answer and she'd be expecting things to resume. I believe breaks are not fair to either party. She did beg for a short while, but she knows me too well, she even said "I know I can't change your mind". She was right, she couldn't. I believe I was doing what was right and fair and most of all moral. To stop stringing somebody along! This leads me to now, 8 days forward. I broke up the relationship with her and I'm still crying my eyes out. I haven't called or text her since as its not fair to her. This is where I stand, I love her still (I think she still loves me, at least she's shown me the most love from any partner I've ever had, how she feels after I hurt her the worst way a partner could, rejection, I do not know). My mind has not changed, at least not yet, in regards to the relationship, I still believe what I did had to be done. However, I am full of regret. Still ponder where things went wrong. Still play stupid 'I'm sorry' 'mistake' songs purposely to make me upset. We didn't talk about how we would react in the coming weeks/months however it would take for us both to get over the situation. I want to reach out to her, I don't want to appear as a cold calculating person to her, who ends a 5 year relationship then just drops off the radar without saying another word to her. That appears that I don't even love or care for her anymore, but I do. I'm emotional just writing this. Do I text her to let her know that I haven't called her on purpose, so she can recover? or what? I dont know, I'm lost. I'd love to be friends for a while again, but I also know that doesn't work. Please see that I just want to do whats right by her! I don't want her to hate me. Forgive me Edited August 28, 2013 by MontyCarlo
Philosoraptor Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 No, let her be. Honestly, any contact can lead to false hope. If you want to do what's best for her, let her heal and don't send any communication. 5
BB84 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 No, let her be. Honestly, any contact can lead to false hope. If you want to do what's best for her, let her heal and don't send any communication. I would have to agree with this, My ex sent me an email just a few days after we agreed to have no contact trying to check I was OK and it only made things worse. I am sure she is aware you are thinking of her, but she will not be able to move on if you keep giving her hope by contacting her. Every single message or email you send she is going to read 100 times and it WILL give her hope even if you didn't intend it to.
robsa Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If you care about her do not contact her at all! You might make her feel better for a whole of 5 minutes but then it will just be worse....
JDPT Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If you want to do what's right you would leave her alone to lick her wounds. Viewing this situation objectively I can see that both of you are in excruciating pain and as you stated there is no need to give her false hope because she will drop the world at the slightest attempt from you. Heal and let her heal, there is no need to prolong this suffering, there is nothing you can do at this point to ease her pain. Don't feel bad about the relationship. My ex dumped me unexpectedly after a 4 year relationship roughly 3.5 months ago and completely disappeared on me. Never heard from her ever again after our very last conversation which turned into a nasty conversation. I strongly believe now that this was for the best and if she would have contacted me to tell me either she missed me loved me or fawk you! Would have made things worse for us. Pick yourself up and move forward, take this as a learning experience and know that you will make it out of this a new and improved you. 1
Author MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I just hope she doesn't hate me, there is one problem. We both work together, not in constant contact, but over the week we'll bump into each other. So I wont disappear of the face of the earth. I just don't want her to think that I just stopped caring. As I said in the split talk, I was honest as I could be, she knew at that time that I still loved her, and the reason was I didn't see it going long term and that I'd just take more of her life away. We haven't agreed NC. Would you rather the person who dumped you just disappeared making you think that after 5 years that you just stopped caring? Or that you'd agree to cease contact. That's whats bugging me
Soat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I just hope she doesn't hate me, there is one problem. We both work together, not in constant contact, but over the week we'll bump into each other. So I wont disappear of the face of the earth. I just don't want her to think that I just stopped caring. As I said in the split talk, I was honest as I could be, she knew at that time that I still loved her, and the reason was I didn't see it going long term and that I'd just take more of her life away. We haven't agreed NC. Would you rather the person who dumped you just disappeared making you think that after 5 years that you just stopped caring? Or that you'd agree to cease contact. That's whats bugging me With all due respect, you know how she is doing. You're looking for breadcrumb fix. If you say it's over and ended it, then it's over. Both of you need to be wiped from one another's life as much as possible. 2
JDPT Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I think what helped me at the beginning was to not be so concern or attempt to protect her as I used to, basic human instinct. I understand that she is a grown, mature woman and will find a way to cope with this as well. I am the dumpee. I didn't torture myself thinking, "how could she, why would she, four years of our lives all thrown away..." I simply respected her decision although it hurt like hell, I managed to respect and honor her decision. Again, you will only make things worse for the both of you by attempting to "comfort" her and making sure she is ok, that's the last thing she needs at this point, it will be so detrimental for her if you move forward with your decision. And NC is never a mutual agreement neither do you need to announce it to the world to make it official, it's something that you independently decide, internalize and execute. As harsh as this may sound, don't waste her time any further.
CBKBM Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Wow MontyCarlo... I don't have any advice to give, I just want to say that I am the girl on the other side of your situation. Same scenario (I think), except I was the dumpee. It helps a very small iota to think that if you're thinking about your ex in a positive way, then maybe mine is thinking about me the same way. One of my biggest fears is that he would demonize and/or pity me, if only as a coping mechanism, and I can't handle the thought of him reducing me and our relationship like that. FWIW, if your ex is anything like me, she is devastated, hurt, scared, a little angry, and so very confused. But she doesn't hate you. 1
Author MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks CBKBM, that does help a little. Soat I understand what your saying, I don't think its true about my breadcrumb fix, but everyone is entitled to their pov. However, on saying that I also believe your correct reading between your lines. I don't think we'll ever be erased from each other, not permanently anyway and not a long time. Somehow, someway we will adapt to be civil to each other, I hope anyway. Until then NC as best as I can.
youngnlove89 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 As much as she wants you to contact her, it's best you don't. She doesn't hate you, she hates the situation. Sometimes she might feel regret such as, "why did I waste so much time with someone who walked away" kind-of-regret. Instead of just falling off the face of earth, let her know that you think it's best to go NC so you both can heal and move on. Let her know it's not because you hate her or anything, but just because you want what is best for her. She might reach out, she might say mean things, or nice things. She is hurt and confused, it's natural. Don't ignore her. Be gentle. Let her know that it isn't good to keep communication and keep the wound open. Let her know what is best and then stick by your word. You spent a lot of time together, this won't be a quick fix. It will take time. Time is the only thing that heals.
Author MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Youngnlove89, thanks for that, I'm going to take your experience on this board and follow your advice (which is what I was thinking of doing as well). Hope I've made it clear that I don't want to lead her on, or prolong the pain of this for either of us. I just want to do what I believe is right and I hope IS right.
crederer Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Well I'm the dumpee and my ex contacted me a few times after like 7 weeks of no contact. I felt validated and empowered that she was having a hard time with the break up because I was starting to think she never cared and just used me for whatever. I wanted her to hurt too, not out of anger but just to know that she did actually care about me at some point in time. She never suggested anything about getting back together, and thanks to some good advice on here, I realized she was not planning to get back and it didn't create any false hope for me. Maybe she was just doing it because she felt guilty for breaking up with me for basically no real reason as I treated her as well as a girl could be treated. Some people on here stated that as the reason. But regardless, if she was just doing it to make herself feel better, or to make me feel better, at the end of the day I felt better about myself. That I actually mattered to her at one point in time, because I was seriously starting to question that and it drove me insane. I am, however, a guy so maybe there's a different psychological component to it.
Author MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks crederer, that's a bit of comfort knowing what its like on the other side of a split like this. In some ways this is harder, I wish we had been fighting a lot. We didn't. I feel awful as she believed there was nothing wrong and they we were destined to be together happily ever after. I believed that as well, something changed within me. I've never sobbed so much then that night, I'll remember that forever regardless of what the future holds. Not sent a message to her yet, figuring out how best to write it. 1
CBKBM Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I don't know what message I could receive that wouldn't put me in an emotional tailspin right now. I know that I would read way too much into even the most innocuous text. 1
2sunny Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If you contact her - it will hurt her even more. If she's not right for you - leave her alone so she can heal. 4
karpeezy Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Thanks crederer, that's a bit of comfort knowing what its like on the other side of a split like this. In some ways this is harder, I wish we had been fighting a lot. We didn't. I feel awful as she believed there was nothing wrong and they we were destined to be together happily ever after. I believed that as well, something changed within me. I've never sobbed so much then that night, I'll remember that forever regardless of what the future holds. Not sent a message to her yet, figuring out how best to write it. Wow, I am pretty much the same boat as CBKBM, and am the dumpee in almost the same situation (just a lot shorter period of time). No fighting, everything was great, I thought we were going towards the right direction ... then all of the sudden, we're not anymore. He said almost everything that you did. I guess what I'm saying is, I've been wondering how my ex has reacted .. and you give me a bit of insight to how he must be feeling. We have not spoken in 5 days (since the BU). Are you generally a very emotional person?
JDPT Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If you contact her - it will hurt her even more. If she's not right for you - leave her alone so she can heal. I absolutely agree. 1
Author MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) CBKBM, I can understand that, which is why I've still not text her yet. What can I say that wouldn't either hurt or be a signal of hope. I'm at a loss, I feel evil that by doing nothing I'm hurting her, but by doing something I could perhaps make it worse. Karpeezy, no I'm not. If something is bothering me I'll say it, I don't hold back on most parts of my life. When it comes to relationships I mention what is bothering me but don't give it both barrels. Thinking back, perhaps that's why we're in this situation. I didn't make my feelings 100% known, tried to forgive and forget things from the past when what I probably should have done was have that argument and get it resolved. I did mention we never argued much. EDIT- That night was probably the only time I've cried since I've been with her. Edited August 28, 2013 by MontyCarlo
melell Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Sorry this is so hard for you, I know it really does hurt both partners. In the first two weeks after my BU (8years together), he would ring me constantly, tell me he loved me, tell me he missed me, tell me there was hope for us in the future and so on. I wished he had come onto this site and realized how that can hurt someone. It wasn't until I blocked him from everything that I started to feel better. At this point I can tell you really want to help ease the pain for you both, and it sucks because it is just not possible to comfort each other right now. Years from now, if you ever get the chance you can tell her how much it hurt you, but tell her when she no longer cares at all. Right now, I really don't think there is anything you can do. There is always someday. 1
CBKBM Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 MontyCarlo, just curious, how would you feel if she contacted you?
Author MontyCarlo Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 MontyCarlo, just curious, how would you feel if she contacted you? Wow, just wow. I have absolutely no idea how to reply to that. I'm trying to think what she would say. When I last spoke to her, I told her that I was splitting up with her now, knowing that she may hate me for it rather than doing it later on knowing that she would hate me. The last text I have from her was 15 minutes later as I was driving home. It read "I love you always and could never hate you ever!" . She wont text me again, so I'm really struggling to answer you. Is this a hypothetical question? Are you intending to contact your ex? Forgive me if I'm wrong on this, but I believe the ball is in my court now to initiate contact about the relationship we had. The only thing that should be about is to start to beg her to forgive me. (I know I want/wanted to contact her to try and ease her pain, but people that replied I suppose are correct. I haven't sent her a text (although one is written in the phone saying this) "Sorry for not texting you this past week. I've so wanted to but thought it best not to. I just don't want you to feel like I've simply stopped loving you, that couldn't be further from the truth. However, I don't want to prolong any agony contact will cause so I will not send messages to you from now on." I'm not editing what I said above as that was my initial thought process, but thinking twice, she should be able to contact me to ask whatever questions she sees fit to help her with closure. Even though we spent almost 3 hours talking this through that night I'm certain after 5 years it wasn't enough. I'm sure she still has unanswered questions. If she contacted me to ask more questions, regardless of what they are, I'd do my best to honestly answer them. If we start going around in circles, just to keep contact, then I'd be forced to stop replying, but to answer questions I believe I owe her that at the least.
Author MontyCarlo Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Well, she called me about 4 days ago, to ask more questions about the break up. It had been 14 days NC for her before this point. I answered as honestly as I could, things that she did that annoyed me and I had brought up during our time together. In short it was social media, not that that was the only reason mind, but because she was so engrossed in it, we didn't talk as much as I would like. I became disconnected from her, I hope you know what I mean by that. Was just no longer in her head. She was obviously emotional about it, I tried to say that although from my view it was that that's caused this, its not necessarily her fault. I feel as though I simply cannot provide the kind of relationship that she wants or needs. I'm a very private person, I don't like my life broadcast on the net (yet here I am, but here I am anonymous). Anyway, even though things are raw still, we are still talking to each other calmly and friendly and she has said that we can at least remain friends as she doesn't want to lose me. This wasn't my call even though I would like that for the future. During work yesterday, she went out of her way to 'bump' into me at work, she knew it would be me doing a specific role and out of 4-5 people, she chose to bring me what was needed (I believe it was just to see me). We didn't say much, it was the first encounter at work and conversation was pretty limited to "how are you coping?" etc. Pretty awkward. My reason for this post is this. She is obviously not healing at all, we can't go full NC as we do work together, and I have no choice to see her if she so chooses. My question now is, even though I still love and care for her, but do not wish to be in a relationship with her, do I do something drastic like create an argument over our past so that she tries to go no contact with me. A "cruel to be kind" kind of tactic.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 No, just don't talk to her other than what you need to talk to her at work. Being cruel with her would likely devastate her more.
Salvatore85 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I know you're just trying to be nice bro, but just leave her alone. It's no longer any of your business how she's coping and you contacting her regardless of what you're saying gives her false hope. Ignore her so she can heal otherwise she's always going to believe there's a chance when you leave bread crumbs.
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