My wife had a friend...that she shouldn't have. Looking for encouragement.

[crmnsrnn]

I will try to keep this as short as possible but without holding back key information.

 

My wife and I have been married for five years (together 9) We have 22 month old twins that we struggled to have - three years of trying and IVF treatments finally brought us my two amazing children. The three years of trying and the first year of theirs lives obviously brought with it incredible stress.

 

I found out that my wife was seeing her boss ( she is a teacher he her principal) meeting is more accurate for lunch and drinks. When I first discovered she admitted to have a friendship with him that was only via texting and that she saw him once. After two weeks of probing the whole story came out - she had met with him six times and they had kissed.

 

Before people start jumping at me that I can never be sure that they had only kissed - I agree - but the past couple of weeks I wasn't very nice to her verbally , even mentally, so much so that I don't see how she couldn't be telling the truth.

 

She has admitted being wrong, I even intercepted an email she had sent him the day I found out that clearly stated her remorse words in the effect of "I am awake I can't believe what I have done" "we can no longer work together".

 

She has told me that she liked the way he made her feel. Compliments about the way she looked to the things she was doing (something admittedly I had stopped doing for some time - doesn't make it right but I need to state that. She said their conversations were about everyday things outside of that - running, places she travelled, etc. today she told me that she refused to hold his hand because it didn't feel right to her.

 

We have agreed on complete transparency. She has just applied for a leave of absence from her career. She will be staying home with the kids and reconnecting with what "matters" and fixing this.

 

Anyways I have done a poor job I'm sure of summarizing the story and perhaps I can clarify in the comments people may have.

 

The bottom line is that I do love her, still. I would prefer my kids to have one home, one Christmas, one birthday party, etc. I do believe what she has said.

 

It hurts like hell. Part of me thinks it is one of the worst things she could have done. Another part of me understands how humans can lose focus. Another small part of me thinks this could have been much much worse, and that as it stands it was a big big mistake - take out the kissing and it almost feels like they were just friends (I'm sure this wasn't the case for him). The fact that there wasn't any sex, falling in love, or lingering feelings or reaching out to him is making it much easier.

 

Looking for encouragement if at all possible. Is this the best possibility of a bad situation? Should I be more positive than not?

[jnel921]

I am sorry you are going through this. It's a good thing that your W woke up. The reality is that she has a family and I am sure while she was with her boss her actions were selfish. She wanted attention. Which I beleive most of our WS wanted at the time of their affairs. Did they think of consequence? probably not, and I am sure that had you not probed things would have gone further.

 

This is probably the one thing I found harder to get past. That this information did not come from my H but from me looking at cell bills and realizing a strange pattern of calls and texts that made me question everything. He lied to me about what that was about and thereafter got another cellphone that he kept at work. A few weeks later the OW contacted me and spilled the beans and my H reacted like your W and was remorseful. He wanted to focus on us, had nothing good to say about the OW and claimed he had the second phone as he was afraid that if she did not have access to him, she would spill the beans about their A.

 

You know, only two things can come of this. Either your marriage will get better, or your marriage will be over. Hopefully it will be the first option. There has to be two willing people to have this happen.

 

I am not sure about your W's existing R with her boss where she is discussing her interactions and desires for him. i am sure that when A are exposed the WS is forced to "wake up" and step out of the sexual fantasies that they are living.

 

If she does take a leave to focus on your M and family be sure she has no contact with her boss.

 

I can tell you that 10 months after DDay and over a year since my H affair things got better. He is focused on our M and making me fall in love with him again. I haven't said those 3 words to him as of yet. At this point when I do it will be the most emotional moment for him. Earning my love, trust and respect back is his goal. When I feel we are 100% then I will say it to him. I am still healing.

 

It will take some time, but I am sure you will get there too.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

crmnsrnn,

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

 

First, you guys are doing many things right. I suggest a few more.

 

1. Get the book "NOT JUST FRIENDS" you can download it to your ereader today. Have your wife read it.

 

2. Get the books "five love languages" (same)

 

3. Find a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. Make an appointment and go.

 

4. Is your wife's AP married? If yes, then you need to consider telling his BS so she can also take action to repair or end their marriage.

 

5. You have every right to be angry and upset, please do not "rug sweep" as this will not resolve the issues.

 

What your wife had was at minimum an emotional affair, she has admitted to the kissing. When I say minimum, I do not mean (less than) because EA are equally as devastating as PA to many.

 

I also want to caution you that odds say she is not telling you the whole truth. She is holding back to spare you and her the consequence of knowing she slept with him. The great majority of cheaters minimize and tell just enough to admit (when cornered) but not the whole truth.

 

I tell you this for one reason. She needs to be tested for STDs. And so do you if you have had sex with her.

 

Marriages with infidelity do survive and thrive. There are many examples on this forum alone, the key to success seems to be that they actively deal with it.

 

Good luck.

[todreaminblue]

I think it is th ebest possibility from a bad situation, i dont know your wife but it sounds like from what you have stated that she is really going to try.....as long as she is open with you and continues to be open and honest with you .....i really do think you guys have more than a good chance to get through this together....i am sorry it happened.....i hope that you can grow stronger from this.......that is also possible.....you are a very forgiving husband and she is lucky to be with you...i wish you , your family and your wife.....happy years ahead........and i hope the strength to heal and be closer.......best wishes to you.....good luck...deb

[crmnsrnn]

Thanks for the words and hope. I am already able to tell her that I love her, not out of fear, but out of truth.

 

Do you care to share how long the A lasted?

 

Thanks again.

[crmnsrnn]

I am sorry you are going through this. It's a good thing that your W woke up. The reality is that she has a family and I am sure while she was with her boss her actions were selfish. She wanted attention. Which I beleive most of our WS wanted at the time of their affairs. Did they think of consequence? probably not, and I am sure that had you not probed things would have gone further.

 

This is probably the one thing I found harder to get past. That this information did not come from my H but from me looking at cell bills and realizing a strange pattern of calls and texts that made me question everything. He lied to me about what that was about and thereafter got another cellphone that he kept at work. A few weeks later the OW contacted me and spilled the beans and my H reacted like your W and was remorseful. He wanted to focus on us, had nothing good to say about the OW and claimed he had the second phone as he was afraid that if she did not have access to him, she would spill the beans about their A.

 

You know, only two things can come of this. Either your marriage will get better, or your marriage will be over. Hopefully it will be the first option. There has to be two willing people to have this happen.

 

I am not sure about your W's existing R with her boss where she is discussing her interactions and desires for him. i am sure that when A are exposed the WS is forced to "wake up" and step out of the sexual fantasies that they are living.

 

If she does take a leave to focus on your M and family be sure she has no contact with her boss.

 

I can tell you that 10 months after DDay and over a year since my H affair things got better. He is focused on our M and making me fall in love with him again. I haven't said those 3 words to him as of yet. At this point when I do it will be the most emotional moment for him. Earning my love, trust and respect back is his goal. When I feel we are 100% then I will say it to him. I am still healing.

 

It will take some time, but I am sure you will get there too.

 

Thanks for the words and hope. I am already able to tell her that I love her, not out of fear, but out of truth.

 

Do you care to share how long the A lasted?

 

Thanks again.

[TobyBoy]

crmnsrnn,

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

 

First, you guys are doing many things right. I suggest a few more.

 

1. Get the book "NOT JUST FRIENDS" you can download it to your ereader today. Have your wife read it.

 

2. Get the books "five love languages" (same)

 

3. Find a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. Make an appointment and go.

 

4. Is your wife's AP married? If yes, then you need to consider telling his BS so she can also take action to repair or end their marriage.

 

5. You have every right to be angry and upset, please do not "rug sweep" as this will not resolve the issues.

 

What your wife had was at minimum an emotional affair, she has admitted to the kissing. When I say minimum, I do not mean (less than) because EA are equally as devastating as PA to many.

 

I also want to caution you that odds say she is not telling you the whole truth. She is holding back to spare you and her the consequence of knowing she slept with him. The great majority of cheaters minimize and tell just enough to admit (when cornered) but not the whole truth.

 

I tell you this for one reason. She needs to be tested for STDs. And so do you if you have had sex with her.

 

Marriages with infidelity do survive and thrive. There are many examples on this forum alone, the key to success seems to be that they actively deal with it.

 

Good luck.

Read this again....and again!

Now....your WW claims holding hands with the OM "did not feel right", but had no problems kissing him? Doesn't add up!

[crmnsrnn]

Read this again....and again!

Now....your WW claims holding hands with the OM "did not feel right", but had no problems kissing him? Doesn't add up!

 

I agree. But sadly it seems like it is true. Part of me wishes this whole situation was a bit more straight forward. She loved him, had sex with him, blah blah blah. It would make it easier in some ways.

 

But I honestly believe what she is saying. Why tell me about kissing and then hold back on hand holding? Seems stupid really. It only came up because I said to her that I was picturing her holding hands with him across the table - at which point she jumped in to say that she never held hands with him.

 

Thanks for the help.

[TobyBoy]

If she had more physical contact than she's admitting, would that be a dealbreaker for you? I'm asking because chances are there was more.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree. But sadly it seems like it is true. Part of me wishes this whole situation was a bit more straight forward. She loved him, had sex with him, blah blah blah. It would make it easier in some ways.

 

But I honestly believe what she is saying. Why tell me about kissing and then hold back on hand holding? Seems stupid really. It only came up because I said to her that I was picturing her holding hands with him across the table - at which point she jumped in to say that she never held hands with him.

 

Thanks for the help.

 

Just keep trying, but don't be blindsided that it was more than she said.

 

Read the books.

 

This is totally recoverable if you BOTH work hard. (Mostly her tho)

[crmnsrnn]

If she had more physical contact than she's admitting, would that be a dealbreaker for you? I'm asking because chances are there was more.

 

I would imagine yes.

 

Why do you feel that there had to be more?

[TobyBoy]

I would imagine yes.

 

Why do you feel that there had to be more?

 

Because cheaters usually follow a script.

 

1. Lying.

2. Minimizing.

3. Justifying.

4. Re- writing marital history.

 

Bottom line.....selfishness!!!

[oldshirt]

crmnsrnn,

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

 

First, you guys are doing many things right. I suggest a few more.

 

1. Get the book "NOT JUST FRIENDS" you can download it to your ereader today. Have your wife read it.

 

2. Get the books "five love languages" (same)

 

3. Find a marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. Make an appointment and go.

 

4. Is your wife's AP married? If yes, then you need to consider telling his BS so she can also take action to repair or end their marriage.

 

5. You have every right to be angry and upset, please do not "rug sweep" as this will not resolve the issues.

 

What your wife had was at minimum an emotional affair, she has admitted to the kissing. When I say minimum, I do not mean (less than) because EA are equally as devastating as PA to many.

 

I also want to caution you that odds say she is not telling you the whole truth. She is holding back to spare you and her the consequence of knowing she slept with him. The great majority of cheaters minimize and tell just enough to admit (when cornered) but not the whole truth.

 

I tell you this for one reason. She needs to be tested for STDs. And so do you if you have had sex with her.

 

Marriages with infidelity do survive and thrive. There are many examples on this forum alone, the key to success seems to be that they actively deal with it.

 

Good luck.

 

I also agree with this ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

Be prepared to do some more investigating and be prepared that you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. There is a very real chance you are being trickle trothed.

 

Don't rush to judgement either way and while I do not recommend kicking her out and filing for divorce at this time, neither do I recommend thanking your lucky stars that this was a near miss and don't rush into welcoming her back with open arms and swearing your undying love for her.

 

She did betray you and you may only know the tip of the iceberg at the moment. This isn't over and you are NOT out of the woods yet.

 

I can tell that you want the marriage to work and want to stay together despite what she has told you thus far but I really think you need to do some soul-searching and determine what exactly it is you need to not only stay married and in the same house, but what it is you need for it to be a functional, happy and healthy marriage.

 

You need to determine that and then you need to draw a line in the sand and state those needs clearly and then make them happen. What do you need? Do you need to do some more investigating and find out the whole truth ie go through phone records, emails, credit cards, bank statements, interview friends and coworkers etc.

 

Do you need her to dump the BF in front of you and for you to give him the , "stay-away-from-my-wife-or-else" showdown?

 

Do you need her to enter into counseling etc with you?

 

It's OK and even advantageous to have her waiting in limbo while you soul-search and determine your course of action and determine what needs to be done. It's perfectly ok if you need to have her stay at a friends or family's house while you contemplate. You need to make it perfectly clear that this is not a 'get-out-of-jail-free' time and that if she sees him or anyone else during that time, that it will be an instant deal-breaker and an instant filing for divorce.

 

But it is ok to make her feel the sting of separation and let her have a chance to really experience what a post-divorce life will be like. It's ok to let her feel the insecurity of not knowing which direction you are going to take with this.

 

Yes if you want to remain married, you will need to step up to the plate and address your end of the bargain but She is the one that stepped out and fouled. She needs to feel some repercussions from her actions and not be rewarded for being inappropriate. In otherwords, she needs to feel some pain and insecurity and true remorse and not be rewarded for bad behavior by your love and affection and acceptance.

 

If the marriage is to work, she needs to earn those things back.

[oldshirt]

 

Yes if you want to remain married, you will need to step up to the plate and address your end of the bargain but She is the one that stepped out and fouled. She needs to feel some repercussions from her actions and not be rewarded for being inappropriate. In otherwords, she needs to feel some pain and insecurity and true remorse and not be rewarded for bad behavior by your love and affection and acceptance.

 

If the marriage is to work, she needs to earn those things back.

 

I rambled on with too much fluff and I was afraid this point would get lost in the clutter.

 

Bottom line is she fouled and committed the infraction and she needs to be held accountable for that and needs to experience the repercussions and consequences of that.

 

It's all too easy to just be thankful it wasn't worse and to welcome her back into the house with open arms and love and kisses and acceptance. Those things need to come eventually but she has to EARN them and she has to rebuild your trust and acceptance.

 

You can't reward her bad behavior. She has to feel the sting and has to see for herself what she has risked losing in order for her to have actual remorse and actually work to rebuild the love and trust.

 

It's ok to work on this and to rebuild, but don't roll out the red carpet until you know EXACTLY what did take place and where her mind and her heart and her vagina is at. And don't roll out the red carpet until you have decided exactly what you want to do and where you want to go and you have a step-by-step game plan in place.

 

And until you do, do not welcome her back in with open arms.

 

This is pretty analogous to sending a naughty child into the naughty-chair and having them just sit there until you decide what you are going to do about their bad behavior. It's ok to let their mind conjure up all sorts of 'what ifs?' until you have a solid game plan in place.

[PegNosePete]

"I can't believe what I have done" and "we can no longer work together", hmm that sounds like more than just a kiss to me. She may or may not be telling you the whole truth. There are only 2 people who know the whole truth. You need to sit her down and explain to her very carefully but firmly that there will be a few rules to follow if she wants you to take her back.

 

1) She will tell you the whole truth about what happened, right now. If she omits any detail which you find out later, then it will be OVER. Lying is the worst possible thing she could do to you so she needs to get everything out in the open RIGHT NOW. Make sure she understands that this is her one and only chance to come clean. There will not be another.

 

2) She will never speak to this guy again except what is directly necessary for work. She will call him up right now with you in the room and explain this to him. If he contacts her for any other reason than what is necessary for work then she will not respond, but instead will immediately bring it to your attention.

 

3) She will have no privacy from now on. She will give you all her passwords to facebook, email, phone, whatever else she has. Trust will come back with time but right now you (understandably) have none.

 

If she does not agree to these rules, or agrees and subsequently breaks them, then you have to end it. Make sure she knows you are fully prepared to do so.

[dichotomy]

Unless she showed you all her emails, texts, online accounts, phone records - everything....I am affraid you don't know the whole truth. 99.99% of cheaters lie or minimize what happened - its human nature. You should investgate/spy or ask her for her passwords right now. Of course i suspect those have been deleted at this point on both sides.

 

I bet this boss could loose his job if this was made public. He is the supervisor, and this relationship was inappropriate and likely against school policies. Especially if he used school phone or email system as part of this realtionship. I would frankly have asked HIM to take a leave, or else.

[aliveagain]

It might help to have her write out a timeline of events. It is best to get every nasty detail out in the open so it doesn't become new information when your well on your way to reconciliation. Hearing new information will take you back to day one with all the hurt associated with it(trickle truth). This gives you both the opportunity to review the information and to understand how she got herself into this situation. Is the O/M married or in a relationship? If so inform his spouse, she needs to know who she is really married to and give her the chance to decide the future of her marriage for herself.

 

Most will tell you that the disclosure you are getting may only be the top of the iceberg, cheaters are liars so expect the worst but hope for the best. Hopefully that is not the case in your situation, it does look like she is remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile with you. Tell her what you require to continue with the marriage, write out your boundaries as well as your consequences for breaking them(you need to be willing to enforce the consequence). You both need to commit to doing the work. She need's independent counseling, she needs to get to the root of why she thought bringing another man into your marriage would help fix the issues that exist in it. In addition you will both need marriage counseling but with a professional who specializes in infidelity. Make her do the work.

[Bryanp]

If the OM is married then you need to expose this to his wife or girlfriend.

 

He was her principal. This is a lawsuit.

 

Insist that you and your wife get tested for STD's.

 

Her comment to the OM sort of implies that they had sex and she was feeling guilty about it.

[bubbaganoosh]

Do you have any doubt's? Silly question, I know but if you feel that in the least little bit that there might be more to what happened, then might I suggest that you sit her down and tell her that you want to set up a polygraph test and you will give the person whose is giving the test the questions. If she is really being honest with you and she has nothing to hide, she will agree to it. If she refuses, then you know there has to be more that she's not telling you.

 

If your willing to give it another shot after she cheated, then she should be more than willing to go the extra mile and show proof that she's being honest with you. I can't see how there can be any kind of an R if you have doubts. It will plague you for years with questions unanswered. Do it ASAP and then you'll know for sure.

Edited August 28, 2013 by bubbaganoosh

[Coolit]

The quitting her job is a good sign. Many unremorseful Waywards want life to go on as it was. They don't want to get a new job.

 

As to the hand holding I can only give you my experience as a fww. I held hand with xMM once. And it felt weird as he ll. i have no idea why. We only held hands for a brief period and then I pulled away. This was after, kissing, sex, cuddling amd lap sitting. All I can think was it was not a lust fueled action like the rest. I actually forgot about it until reading your post.

[JulyOne]

No marriages are ever right. All marriages are wrong. You just need to turn the wrongs into rights and not make the wrong even more wrong.

 

You had trouble having children. That was one wrong, and both of you made it right by trying other methods and not giving up.

 

Now this. It seems like your wife is trying, so you need to step up too and make her feel loved and not say mean things to her despite how hurt you were. Maybe take her out on a date once a week. Plan a special surprise for her. It doesn't have to be sex and cuddling. All married couples get sick of each other's body eventually. Just try and find other things to do as a couple.

[RavenWolf]

I will try to keep this as short as possible but without holding back key information.

 

My wife and I have been married for five years (together 9) We have 22 month old twins that we struggled to have - three years of trying and IVF treatments finally brought us my two amazing children. The three years of trying and the first year of theirs lives obviously brought with it incredible stress.

 

I found out that my wife was seeing her boss ( she is a teacher he her principal) meeting is more accurate for lunch and drinks. When I first discovered she admitted to have a friendship with him that was only via texting and that she saw him once. After two weeks of probing the whole story came out - she had met with him six times and they had kissed.

 

Before people start jumping at me that I can never be sure that they had only kissed - I agree - but the past couple of weeks I wasn't very nice to her verbally , even mentally, so much so that I don't see how she couldn't be telling the truth.

 

She has admitted being wrong, I even intercepted an email she had sent him the day I found out that clearly stated her remorse words in the effect of "I am awake I can't believe what I have done" "we can no longer work together".

 

She has told me that she liked the way he made her feel. Compliments about the way she looked to the things she was doing (something admittedly I had stopped doing for some time - doesn't make it right but I need to state that. She said their conversations were about everyday things outside of that - running, places she travelled, etc. today she told me that she refused to hold his hand because it didn't feel right to her.

 

We have agreed on complete transparency. She has just applied for a leave of absence from her career. She will be staying home with the kids and reconnecting with what "matters" and fixing this.

 

Anyways I have done a poor job I'm sure of summarizing the story and perhaps I can clarify in the comments people may have.

 

The bottom line is that I do love her, still. I would prefer my kids to have one home, one Christmas, one birthday party, etc. I do believe what she has said.

 

It hurts like hell. Part of me thinks it is one of the worst things she could have done. Another part of me understands how humans can lose focus. Another small part of me thinks this could have been much much worse, and that as it stands it was a big big mistake - take out the kissing and it almost feels like they were just friends (I'm sure this wasn't the case for him). The fact that there wasn't any sex, falling in love, or lingering feelings or reaching out to him is making it much easier.

 

Looking for encouragement if at all possible. Is this the best possibility of a bad situation? Should I be more positive than not?

 

I really recommend the book "His Needs, Her Needs Affair Proof Marriage" for both of you to read and discuss. It is a fantastic read that will bring a lot of things into conversation that can help keep this from happening again. I recommended this to several people and they found it very helpful.

 

Sadly, my own husband refused to read it a while back when I read it and tried to discuss it with him. Now that I've ended things with my marriage he suddenly is scrambling to read it. A day late, and a dollar short.

 

Her leave of absence from work sounds like a good plan. Have her commit to No Contact. Counseling for you both could be helpful but definitely work on healing yourself as well.

 

I hope that you marriage will move forward, that you will have a successful marriage that will last. Just remember to protect your heart.

[2sunny]

I would imagine yes.

 

Why do you feel that there had to be more?

 

Have heir take a polygraph. You need proof of what's real.

 

She quit - that's good - but what is her plan to earn that money moving forward?

 

How can you believe she's not going to be in contact with him while she has "free time"?

 

Why should you believe her?

 

And have you told her you hate her bad behavior? You're rewarding her bad behavior by telling her you love her!!! Stop that! She screwed around behind your back - be mad as hell!

[crmnsrnn]

Thanks for all the posts. Got bad news, mainly as a result of the responses here. They got to my wife and she spilt the beans that she did have a proper affair.

 

I am gutted.

 

Too tired to really talk anymore. My thoughts are with my kids.

 

Not jumping to any conclusions, and not ruling out trying to work things out. I would really love to work things out.

[aliveagain]

I am so sorry, you always hope that your one of the lucky one's that actually got the truth, it just doesn't happen that often. First thing in the morning talk to a lawyer, you need to know your rights, you need to protect your children and I hope for your sake a DNA test is not required. You don't know how this will turn out yet, listen to your lawyer. You both need to be tested for STD's, some don't even show up until 6 months after their last encounter(assume no protection was used). No unprotected sex until you have been properly tested, be honest with your doctor so he does the proper testing, they don't always test for Herpes.

 

The other man's wife needs to be told, she is at risk, it's the right thing to do. Your wife may not have been his first rodeo. The decision is yours allowing her to stay or kicking her to the curb, take time but protect yourself. She or he needs to immediately quit their job, they can not work together. Did she tell you how long the affair went on? Is it over, really over?