Can't get rid of the feeling that it's something I done that led to the break-up

[kat1012]

My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I accepted the fact we are not meant to be together and there's no future for us early on after break-up. But somehow I still can't get rid of the feeling that it's something that I talk to him about one month before the break up that led to him dumping me.

 

That time, I was getting fed up of him playing with his phone when we hang out together, since we saw each other 2-3 times a week and I traveled an hour to go to his neighborhood each time. It's been going on for a while. On his birthday he spent 1.5 hour playing with his phone and completely ignored me. I put in a lot of effort in it, he did say thanks for the birthday, but I just didn't feel like he mean it.

So that weekend, the more I thought about how he started not caring about me as much as before, the more upset I got. My friends said I should talk to him. I did, he knew i was upset, but then when i went to his place, he acted really cold and so I couldn't control it and told him I need to grab something and went out to calm myself a bit. When I got back, he's still a bit cold and his mum called. I started crying a bit. After he got off the phone with his mum and I controlled myself. I talked to him about his phone playing problem, and he got annoyed, saying how how he told me there's nothing to talk about, how I ruined his weekend by coming over and then left the house and then cried. And he could do whatever he wants and I should not date. I did not talk back since I wasn't looking for a fight. I just wanted to express how I feel. We were back to normal the next day, and the following two weeks, he was very keen on asking me out and texting me. But not as much on the third week, he still said yes when I asked him out. And then he was getting distant and cold. and then he broke up with me.

 

He said that it was because he doesnt see this going anywhere even though we are comfortable with each other. and I am getting obsessed with this relationship (I am not the kind who requested meeting everyday or bombed his phone or get jealous). I know there's no point of looking back. But still, I can't help but think it's because of what happened that night, or the way I handled a relationship talk (after all, it's my first one ever) that led him to start thinking. We never really fought, and it seemed like he enjoyed my company all along.

 

Is it normal to feel like that after being dumped? Even though you have accepted you guys don't work, and he doesn't love you anymore.

[keepontruckin]

Oh yes... It is very normal. There's a reason that us that have been dumped take an enormous blow to our ego and to our self esteem. It's because we realize we have flaws, and only focus on them. We look at these flaws as the reason behind why we were dumped. That's why we want to fix ourselves for our ex's so badly...

 

However, it is fact that everyone has flaws... Weaknesses... As well, we all have our strengths. I don't care whom you are, we all have our own individual strengths, and weaknesses.

 

What some people like, others hate, and vica versa. Sometimes the matching is bad, and it doesn't last for long. Sometimes the matching is good, and it lasts for a few years. Sometimes the matching is great, and it lasts forever...

[hellischrome]

Honey, here is the thing. If we cannot handle arguments - HIS problem. We should always say how we feel - well, taking common sense into consideration, that's it. If he won't make the effort of even listening to you when you express yourself, he's not the guy.

 

And about your question, yes, is very common to think that it was your fault. I am still thinking about it, after 2 months. For what is worth, just remember that now it doesn't really matter. You just need time to heal, it's not a game and you don't win or loose here. Even if it was something YOU have done, is something you have done for you and to make you feel better. If the couple is not strong for it, it pretty much speaks for itself.

[kat1012]

Oh yes... It is very normal. There's a reason that us that have been dumped take an enormous blow to our ego and to our self esteem. It's because we realize we have flaws, and only focus on them. We look at these flaws as the reason behind why we were dumped. That's why we want to fix ourselves for our ex's so badly...

 

However, it is fact that everyone has flaws... Weaknesses... As well, we all have our strengths. I don't care whom you are, we all have our own individual strengths, and weaknesses.

 

What some people like, others hate, and vica versa. Sometimes the matching is bad, and it doesn't last for long. Sometimes the matching is good, and it lasts for a few years. Sometimes the matching is great, and it lasts forever...

I have been thinking that he didn't think playing with his phone is a big deal but I did because I have been under the impression that he's not that into me as before. So even I didnt talk to him about it that time, the feeling of him not caring about me may just get stronger and stronger each time he does something that I think it's not caring. So some day, we may fight and break up anyway. It's just like we are not meant to be.

But still I can't get rid of the idea "maybe we would still be together now if I haven't said anything or be a drama queen (as he would have put it)"

[keepontruckin]

There's not much you can say or do once the other decides to check themselves out of the relationship...

 

You sound young... Plenty of opportunities will arise for you, I'm sure.

[squeezy]

It's not your fault! Bringing something up that bothered you (because it was rude... my ex used to do the same thing to me with his phone) is not cause for a breakup. Someone who respects you and wants to be with you should take no issue with making a minor adjustment like that to ensure your happiness. There is no way that could have been it. It's far more likely something going on in his head. Please don't beat yourself up for asserting yourself.

[kat1012]

It's not your fault! Bringing something up that bothered you (because it was rude... my ex used to do the same thing to me with his phone) is not cause for a breakup. Someone who respects you and wants to be with you should take no issue with making a minor adjustment like that to ensure your happiness. There is no way that could have been it. It's far more likely something going on in his head. Please don't beat yourself up for asserting yourself.

I know. But still I sometimes think maybe he didn't really play that much and that I overreacted. Maybe I read into things too much and thought he didn't care about me while he might just suck at expressing his feelings. Maybe I expected too much from him.

 

Or maybe it's just he started thinking about the future in general, not that I have done anything which triggered him to do it. I wish I could think like that lol