August 2012, a year earlier.

[Petunia20]

I was in a similar situation where my ex wouldnt let me go but wouldnt commit to me either. We stayed that way for about 3 months before it took a toll on both of us. He eventually had enough of me, I guess, and moved out of state back to his home state. That was almost 3 months ago. I have been NC for almost 2 months. They will never let us go. We have to be the ones to walk away. I wondery why they cant let us go but wont commit?

 

My family tells me to move on already but I cant seem to do it either. They act as if I want to feel this way. i talk to friends and they tell me to just let it go. As if it were that easy! At times I feel like he's the only one who gets me...but he doesnt want me anymore. So no one to talk to. Feel how you feel and dont expect more than you can do. But NC is the best way and if you still are talking to him you're going to keep hurting. They wont ever lets us go . They want their cake and eat it too. It hurts not to have him but I would rather keep my dignity than let him string me along.

[Simon Phoenix]

I wondery why they cant let us go but wont commit?

 

This is an easy answer -- because they can take what they want from you whenever they want it. There's no need for them to set you free because they have you on their terms.

[unexpectedlyhere]

Every time you break NC sets you back, but it doesn't set you back as far as the very beginning. You're still going forward.

 

If you want to go forward faster, try really scolding yourself for every time you think of him. If you read through my topic somewhere in the second week from my breakup I talked about picturing an "Access Denied" sign. I actually only used it for a day, but it worked.

 

I swear to you, it is within reach. When you're in the depths of unhappiness it is harder to believe the people that tell you you'll be fine, or that you can do this, but they are RIGHT.

 

You've got everything to live for and this pain is real and tingling but one day it will be OVER and it will just be part of you but no longer stinging.

[Petunia20]

This is an easy answer -- because they can take what they want from you whenever they want it. There's no need for them to set you free because they have you on their terms.

Easy answer for you maybe...but this enlightened me lol Very true. It goes both ways I guess. Well in my situtation it did. I did it to him so he did it right back. Never ending cycle. Glad Im out of that situation

[RonaldS]

We are all in the same boat. Our ex's have cheated, lied, betrayed, deceived us.

Ummmm.....really? OK.

 

Committing to someone is a choice. Not something that can or can't be done by some people. That's rubbish!!!

True...sorta, in a way. But take it from me, there are things that can happen in life, individual experiences and histories, which essentially make it so a person can't make that choice. Fear of commitment is real.

 

How real? Well, I'll never do it again.

[mtnbiker3000]

Ummmm.....really? OK.

 

You saying yours didn't?? Lucky you. Or maybe you're just unaware or don't want to know??

 

True...sorta, in a way. But take it from me, there are things that can happen in life, individual experiences and histories, which essentially make it so a person can't make that choice. Fear of commitment is real.

 

How real? Well, I'll never do it again.

 

But wait, I thought your ex didn't do any of the things I listed?? Where does your fear come from, then?

 

I choose not to let any future possibilities be dictated by what has happened in the past. Bummer for you if you do...

[RonaldS]

You saying yours didn't?? Lucky you. Or maybe you're just unaware or don't want to know??

 

There are millions of relationships that just end. Just because somebody gets dumped doesn't mean that they're an innocent victim who got trucked by the scandalous, marauding, evil, deceiving, lying, cheating ex.

 

Sometimes, a person just can't do it anymore and they have to let go. Sometimes, a person doesn't contribute in a relationship and it becomes impossible to continue on with them. Sometimes....well, let's face it.....all the time, relationships have a shelf-life, and sometimes two people don't agree on how long that shelf-life is.

 

To be honest, at this point between my ex and I, I don't really know who left who.

 

 

 

But wait, I thought your ex didn't do any of the things I listed?? Where does your fear come from, then?

 

Mainly from relationship elements with both my mother and father. My relationships with both were terrible. Mother was abusive (physically, verbally, emotionally) and not at all involved in my life. My father just wasn't there....ever. He moved across the country when I was a year old and I didn't even know him until I was 14, and even then, it was sparse. And, on top of that, there were some other things that I'm not getting into.

 

My relationship w/ my ex pretty was pretty much the final nail in the coffin.

 

 

I choose not to let any future possibilities be dictated by what has happened in the past. Bummer for you if you do...

Fun to be young.

 

Its actually not a bummer for me. Its a decision I've made based on my relationship potential, what I want out of life and what makes me happy. My future possibilities are not limited by anything, and I reserve the right to modify my position in the event that it needs to be modified. But I probably won't. I'm happy with the way things are. It isn't everybody's goal to be in a committed relationship, you know?

[mtnbiker3000]

Ok. Fair enough...

[RonaldS]

Ok. Fair enough...

 

Not sure where the comes from, but whatever. I've been single for 3 years and couldn't be happier with that.

 

The main point I was trying to make is that you really can't assume that everybody here is some poor helpless victim wronged by some evil person. Nobody has an obligation to be in a relationship, so just because somebody dumps you, doesn't mean that they were wrong or bad. Just because you got dumped, doesn't mean that you have no fault or blame.

 

We're not all here because we were wronged by bad people. We're all here because our relationships ended.

[youngnlove89]

He called

 

and...

 

I ignored.

 

If I were to say I wanted this relationship back and I wanted it to work...what would you advise? I mean put your heart into my situation, feel my feelings (most of everyone wants their ex back)...could it ever really work? Could he ever commit?

 

If walking away wasn't an option...what would you say?

[youngnlove89]

So I wrote him back and said, "I saw you called, is everything okay"

 

He said, "Everything is great! I love my new house"

 

I said, "Have you thought about my letter"

 

(I told him I want space till he can decide what he wants with this relationship, commitment or nothing)

 

He said, "Nope"

 

And now I'm back to ignoring. I will not reply until he gives me an answer.

 

The letter I sent him:

 

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the ways people disappoint us. I’m not compiling some kind of ******* master list; I’m just considering it. Lately you just feel—or are—out of touch. Certain elements of life are strangely out of place. It’s like a puzzle you’ve completed a hundred times – but now you’re blindfolded and all the pieces are flipped over. It’s a lot harder to accomplish anything, to figure things out when you can’t see.

Logical, right? Call me Captain Obvious! Or don’t. There’s only one captain, and his name is Jack. Oh, captain – my captain. *ahem* Moving on…

No one likes feeling as if they’re unimportant. As if they’re easy to be pushed to the side. No one likes being made to feel small. Sometimes, on rare occasions, we allow people to trample all over us. The reasons are varied. We love someone. We are used to taking the blame. We make excuses. We think it’s a fluke. But it’s not. And we don’t put a foot down. We just accept it; I just accept it, because – hey, I know you don’t mean to do it.

But you don’t mean not to, either.

That’s the thing: if it’s a one-off instance, fine. Twice, okay. But if it’s habitual? Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Go straight to relationship JAIL.

I realize that I’m making a number of wretched generalizations. I realize that there are reasons people do things – reasons that often have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them. But the truth is that no one likes feeling like second place, or like a consolation prize. Or like something that someone will get to when they get to it. On a whim. Whenever they feel like it. Because, yeah, that says, hey, my time is more important than yours. That says, I don’t care enough. Not that they don’t care. But that they don’t care enough.

To me, it seems that there are two kinds of people: those who don’t care enough and those who care too much. There’s really no middle ground, emotionally speaking. There are tricky people, sure – the ones who don’t SEEM to care too much, but it’s all just a cover for the gaping maw of feelings that is their heart. There are people who talk a good talk, but then it’s just useless, wind-bound words.

I suppose this begs the question of which is worse: caring too much or not giving a damn? For me, I’d rather feel a ****-ton of pain, cry, scream, rage, and wail – than not. I’d rather care too much than have a cold heart. Or not try. I’d rather fling myself into a figurative volcano. I’d rather a mad, beautiful moron – than a person made of bricks. I’d rather give chances than be unable to trust.

I’d rather say yes, instead of no. I’d rather pick up the phone, instead of letting it ring. I’d rather ask, than not know. I’d rather do the ridiculous, insane thing – instead of doing nothing. It occurs to me, lately, that I don’t know how to do anything by halves. There is no halfway. I don’t do reserved.

But other people do. And it’s hard, I think, to judge people differently than we judge ourselves. There’s an unfortunate sadness that comes with that kind of realization. We understand things as we are. We see them as we are. That is human nature.

Nice is different than good. And sometimes, it’s not enough to not MEAN to do something. Or not mean to make someone feel bad. You have to actively pay attention to how someone else might feel. Intention matters, yes. But actions, actions are how we judge the feelings we cannot quantify.

I used to think it was my fault. That the matches were mine. That I was the black ice on a dark road, just as your headlights failed. I bowed my head and accepted it, your words turned blue, stuck on my skin like a bruise. I kept thinking that, someday, I would stop caring, stop wanting, stop loving. I’d start saying No, instead of just willingly give you my heart again to crush in your hands.

My heart is in a constant state of anxiety, and I have forgotten what sleep is. Your mouth is a sedative I can’t take, an endorphin rush I can’t duplicate. You keep me at arm’s length, trying to ignore the good in what could be, the train tracks, the endless string of moments that recall my face. Your face. The way you color my heart with kisses, even at noon. Even apart. Even when we aren’t speaking, I am thinking of you.

I used to be that girl, the revolving door on a one-way street. Then I realized there is no door. There is no street. There’s no traffic, no red lights, and no one else around for miles. My heart is a hand. Yours is a fist. In this fight, everything is bloody.

So where am I going with all this? I’m not sure. I’m never sure. I want this and then when I get it, I want to take it back. Forget I said it. AND YOU KNOW THIS. It’s a vicious cycle and a cycle we both are too familiar with. I hate it. And sometimes I hate you. I hate how you go out with your friends and I’m never invited. I hate how you create all these new memories without me in them. I hate how we can't talk about feelings because it makes you mad. I hate how I’ve known you for 2.5 years and we are at a dead end road. I hate how you are moving on just fine without me, you don't call anymore and only text when I'm going to see you that night. I hate how you tell me all the time that you think there is something else out there, do you intentionally want to hurt me? I hate how you blatantly tell me you don’t love me that way. I hate how there is an ending to our story. I hate how I am so confused by you. I hate how you cuddle and kiss me and then say you can’t be my boyfriend. I hate how I am only good for sex. How I’m not your priority, while you are mine. But most of all, I hate how you KNOW these things, yet continue to do them.

The other night I told you that you were my soul mate. People think a soul mate is some one you will spend your life with, or wish too. But a true soul mate is havoc to your being, a soul that rips you to shreds at your most vulnerable state. A person who brings your own attention to the front lines while you stand there like a wounded soldier with your heavy bleeding heart in your hand knowing that this pulse is growing weak. A true soul mate is the most important person you will ever meet. They tear down your walls and smack you awake. They come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.

Your purpose was to shake me up, drive me out of the town I needed to leave, tear apart my ego a little bit, show me my obstacles and addictions, break my heart open so new light could get in, make me so desperate and out of control that I had to transform my life. That was your job, and you did great, but now it’s over. Problem is I can’t accept that this relationship had a real short shelf life. I’m like a dog at the dump, just licking at the empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if I’m not careful, that can’s going to get stuck on my snout forever and make my life miserable. So I try to drop it.

In the end it doesn’t matter what I say or do. Or how many letters I write to you. It doesn’t matter how many times I come over, or how many ways of showing you how much you mean to me, or expressing my feelings, because in the end…you are the way you are. And that’s that. There is nothing I can do and I feel helpless. But you have so effortlessly paved this path for me, pushing me away...

I know you hate when I say this, but I love you, and I want you to take as much time as you need. But while you’re deciding what to do, you can’t have me all to yourself.

I’m going to smile and mean it, I’m going to go out on the weekends and be happy. I’m going to flirt. I’m going to travel and go back to school. I’m going to be happy even if you aren’t around. And if given the opportunity, I’ll go on a date. And he might kiss me good night. He might ask me to see him again. Or he might just be another jerk. I might even fall smitten for him. He might ask me to be his girlfriend; I might say no, I might say yes. I’m going to hang out with friends and meet new people. I’m going to take a trip to California and visit the beach. I’m going to get a puppy. I’m going to continue getting Starbucks every day and I might go blonde again.

I can and will do all of this without you, but just remember this is what you wanted. Every time you think you miss me or long for me, I want you to remember that it was you who said you wanted me to move on. This was your choice. You let this happen. So you can’t be sad. You let me walk away. Over time, your absence will teach me what it’s like to be without you and I will learn to be okay again.

One day, I will fall out of love with us. The “idea” of us. You.

Because you let me.

This is why I hate you.

[RonaldS]

He called

 

and...

 

I ignored.

 

If I were to say I wanted this relationship back and I wanted it to work...what would you advise? I mean put your heart into my situation, feel my feelings (most of everyone wants their ex back)...could it ever really work? Could he ever commit?

 

If walking away wasn't an option...what would you say?

 

I can't remember, but I think you made an appearance in my thread 'When it's over, end it'. Maybe go back and read that again. It's bleak and cynical and short on hope, but it's also reality.

 

Fairy tale endings play well in movies and books. Unfortunately, there's not much of a real world application. Walking away is the best thing you can do.

[youngnlove89]

I can't remember, but I think you made an appearance in my thread 'When it's over, end it'. Maybe go back and read that again. It's bleak and cynical and short on hope, but it's also reality.

 

Fairy tale endings play well in movies and books. Unfortunately, there's not much of a real world application. Walking away is the best thing you can do.

 

All I said was, "Brilliant"

 

I just am stuck and I guess nobody knows how it is because everybody says they would walk away. But why can't I?

[letmoc]

When you are truly ready and not a moment before.

[RonaldS]

All I said was, "Brilliant"

 

I just am stuck and I guess nobody knows how it is because everybody says they would walk away. But why can't I?

 

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

The reason that I ask is because when we're younger, our idealism and hope tends to supersede our logic. If you were to really sit down and attack this analytically rather than emotionally, and ask yourself the tough questions (and hopefully answer them honestly), such as 'What is the best thing that will realistically come out of this?', 'How happy was I with this person?', 'What is the best life I can live?', etc, then you will probably begin to realize that this relationship is not and probably never was good for you.

 

A lot of times we get caught up wanting what we can't have. Or trying to fix something that's broken. Or 'winning'. In reality, none of that stuff has anything to do with the actual relationship between two people. When you realize that, when you realize it's a thing or an ideal or a resolution that you desire more than it is the individual himself, it's very liberating. Then you can walk away.

[Apparition]

I'm sorry :-(

 

My ex was a commitment phobe, well, still is. He loved me, but not enough to make a commitment. It's a burn that never heals. How could he walk away from me if he loved me so much? I have so many questions I'll never know the answers too.

 

I just can't forget him even though I'm trying so hard. Your muscles have a certain memory about them, that's why we can tie our shoes or play the piano without looking, but then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other. The warmth of his chest, the pace of his heartbeat, the way his fingers would curl in sequence when I used to play with his palm...

 

Moving on to another person is like moving to another country when you don't know the language, it's a scary thing.

 

 

That was absolutely beautiful, and what you added at the end when replying to that person, "Moving on to another person is like moving to another country when you don't know the language, it's a scary thing". You hit it on the head. Love is scary, I read somewhere once that we might meant to fall in love with someone, but that doesn't mean we are meant to be together, and I believe that, because if my current girlfriend were to leave me, I would know without a shadow of a doubt I will always love her and I could never love another the way I love her. She is my soul mate , and I didn't believe in "Love" or "soul mates" until I met her. I felt your pain as I read your words, my chest also tightened up as I began picturing myself in your position. I am so sorry but know that you are not alone, there are people out there going through this , too. We all go through it at some point in life, but sometimes a few of us hurt more than others and sometimes we never forget, we always love that person and always will miss them. As time goes on, these emotions become less painful, they don't completely go away and of course they will scar you for life, so you shall always carry it as a reminder until you die. It's sad.

[youngnlove89]

Just out of curiosity, how old are you?

 

The reason that I ask is because when we're younger, our idealism and hope tends to supersede our logic. If you were to really sit down and attack this analytically rather than emotionally, and ask yourself the tough questions (and hopefully answer them honestly), such as 'What is the best thing that will realistically come out of this?', 'How happy was I with this person?', 'What is the best life I can live?', etc, then you will probably begin to realize that this relationship is not and probably never was good for you.

 

A lot of times we get caught up wanting what we can't have. Or trying to fix something that's broken. Or 'winning'. In reality, none of that stuff has anything to do with the actual relationship between two people. When you realize that, when you realize it's a thing or an ideal or a resolution that you desire more than it is the individual himself, it's very liberating. Then you can walk away.

 

I'm 24 and he is 29. And you are absolutely correct.

 

'What is the best thing that will realistically come out of this?'

'How happy was I with this person?'

'What is the best life I can live?'

 

These are questions I need to wake myself up from this fantasy. It's all the idea of it. If I got what I wanted, would I be happy?

 

Thank you for these words. It really makes me think. But then that thinking turns into longing for him. all. over. again.

 

I'm just so used to this treatment.

[youngnlove89]

Thank you Apparition

 

It's all so sad. I'm young and is this the way it ends for me?

[Apparition]

Hey, I'm only 25, a year older than you. I just turned 25 on Monday in fact. I was sort of on the same boat as you two years ago, maybe a little more, I was young and thought everything had came to an end when my recent ex left me, but it didn't. Nothing has came to an end really, the world you had with him is still there, it's just different. You still have your life ahead of you, and none of what you read will ease your pain because the ache will still be there when you go to sleep, it'll still be there when you wake up tomorrow. The love you have for him might never go away, but the pain will become less and less until you are numb to it. It's almost like you get use to it. I'm not saying this because I love my ex girlfriend, I feel nothing towards her. I'm saying this because it's something my nanna told me and I fully believe in, she is in her 70's and has been alone since she was in her late 30's. She only had one man in her life and he treated her badly, she still loves him to this day and chose to never be with another. Sad story, but true. She will probably die with his name on her heart, despite the fact he is with another woman. It's just how life works. Some let go, others don't. What I'm trying to say is, don't take that route, you need to let go even if you don't want to.

 

Feel free to message me, I'll gladly lend an ear.

[RonaldS]

I'm 24 and he is 29. And you are absolutely correct.

 

'What is the best thing that will realistically come out of this?'

'How happy was I with this person?'

'What is the best life I can live?'

 

These are questions I need to wake myself up from this fantasy. It's all the idea of it. If I got what I wanted, would I be happy?

 

Thank you for these words. It really makes me think. But then that thinking turns into longing for him. all. over. again.

 

I'm just so used to this treatment.

 

Of course you want him. And you probably love him. And he probably loves you. But from the sounds of it, you're just not right for each other. And when that's the case, you have a 0% chance together.

 

Look at my ex and me. We have been apart for 3 years. But the love is still there, and still real. From both of us. It comes out in our conversations. It's obvious in how we look at each other. And so often, I just look at her and start to think, 'Why is it that we can't just fix this?'

 

Well, here's why: we aren't right for each other. At all. It amazes me that we ever made it past the first month. Once I'm not around her and have a little room to catch my breath, then I can think more clearly about the situation and remember how bad we are for each other and understand that, even though the love is there, all of the other things needed to make a relationship not just work but to thrive, they just aren't there. We don't have what it takes, but it's easy to push that to the side in order to fulfill our own fantasies.

 

Doesn't work.

[youngnlove89]

Of course you want him. And you probably love him. And he probably loves you. But from the sounds of it, you're just not right for each other. And when that's the case, you have a 0% chance together.

 

Look at my ex and me. We have been apart for 3 years. But the love is still there, and still real. From both of us. It comes out in our conversations. It's obvious in how we look at each other. And so often, I just look at her and start to think, 'Why is it that we can't just fix this?'

 

Well, here's why: we aren't right for each other. At all. It amazes me that we ever made it past the first month. Once I'm not around her and have a little room to catch my breath, then I can think more clearly about the situation and remember how bad we are for each other and understand that, even though the love is there, all of the other things needed to make a relationship not just work but to thrive, they just aren't there. We don't have what it takes, but it's easy to push that to the side in order to fulfill our own fantasies.

 

Doesn't work.

 

I don't see how we aren't right for each other. He has commitment issues. It's a serious thing and my psychologist told me so. When we are together everything is perfect. We don't fight. He just can't commit to me. He told me how he is so afraid of losing me because he cares and loves me, but his issues are causing him to get scared. And it's not about the sex. There are times where we just cuddle and hang out with no sex. He never forces me to do anything. He has issues with his mom and abandonment, he is afraid of me hurting him and leaving him. So in turn, he hurts me instead. Because it's easier for him, I guess.

 

If any of you met this guy, you would like him. He is a good, intelligent, sensitive, caring person. He is mature, funny, loyal to the people he is close to, has his head on his shoulders..He just has issues that he hasn't gotten help for yet.

[letmoc]

I will tell you that the fear to commit is real. I have one of the worst cases ever. It led me to relationships that were unhealthy for years. I have a theory that you have the same problem with fear of commitment that your ex does and playing the back and forth with each other is easier than finding a healthy relationship.

[RonaldS]

I don't see how we aren't right for each other. He has commitment issues. It's a serious thing and my psychologist told me so. When we are together everything is perfect. We don't fight. He just can't commit to me. He told me how he is so afraid of losing me because he cares and loves me, but his issues are causing him to get scared. And it's not about the sex. There are times where we just cuddle and hang out with no sex. He never forces me to do anything. He has issues with his mom and abandonment, he is afraid of me hurting him and leaving him. So in turn, he hurts me instead. Because it's easier for him, I guess.

 

If any of you met this guy, you would like him. He is a good, intelligent, sensitive, caring person. He is mature, funny, loyal to the people he is close to, has his head on his shoulders..He just has issues that he hasn't gotten help for yet.

 

I'm going to venture out and say that if he's not going to commit to you, then he's not right for you.

 

Hey, I get this guy. I'm the same way, mom issues, dad issues, abandonment issues, yada yada yada. But at some point, it's 'sh*t or get off the pot'. Despite all of those very same issues, and the fact that I had never before committed to anybody, when my ex and I started dating, I committed to her and committed to her firmly, without any fear.

 

Now, did it work out in the end? Obviously not, but there's a lot that goes in to a relationship not working. My ex and I were great together. When it fell apart, nobody saw it coming. Except me. We weren't Right for each other, and no amount of patches and band-aids and excuses and justifications could change that.

[youngnlove89]

I will tell you that the fear to commit is real. I have one of the worst cases ever. It led me to relationships that were unhealthy for years. I have a theory that you have the same problem with fear of commitment that your ex does and playing the back and forth with each other is easier than finding a healthy relationship.

 

I don't feel like I have a fear of commitment

[Simon Phoenix]

Don't cave again. Please. You know how this story goes. It never changes. He just doesn't have the desire to commit to you in that way and he probably never will. He certainly won't if you keep coming back like you always do. There's absolutely no motivation for him to ever change. Why? Because he doesn't have to because you always give in and cave. I mean, how many times do you have to go through this until you realize that it's just not viable? You always listen to your heart over your head. Problem is that your heart, and everyone's hearts, have sh*t for brains.

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different result.