2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Love and commitment is sharing between two people. Enough to lift each other up in times of need. And enjoying the full experience of good times and bad - knowing that a partner helps to get THROUGH even tough times to the OTHER side. Disappearing when things are tough isn't healthy. Staying IN the R and expressing what is on your mind is healthy. Some folks create the illusion of tons of drama to push others away - he could be one of those? Based on what you've typed - he may be the isolating type - the woe is me type - the I have to handle to problems of the world type... If he is - you don't want that type anyway. Many times - men start out strong and fade away in their efforts - but the ones that disappear with no explanation or tons of drama - that's big red flag time from my perspective. 1
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 MASCARA: I think it is hard to generalize alot of these things. First off, my ex husband and I were smitten with each other right away, and were married 24 years. I don't think because someone comes on strong that in itself is a red flag.. I hate all this SH*T
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 2Sunny: We were dating, not in an exclusive relationship. I agree that once you are in a R it is like that. Not sure any of this helps. I am not sure there ARE any rules. I have always believed in being honest with my feelings and wonder if that isnt what I should do here too? I have NO idea....everything seems blurred to me right now so I just am going to sit on my hands. VERY Frustrated...
2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I'm not sure it's worth the effort to tell him how you feel. He's not considering that now... Either way - any man that handles the worlds problems by crawling under a rock and ignoring any positive energy isn't worth trying to make it work. His "coping skills" are inadequate - if he's telling you his truth. And that wouldn't be something attractive in any man. 2
superchick Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Not sure any of this helps. I am not sure there ARE any rules. I have always believed in being honest with my feelings and wonder if that isnt what I should do here too? But you already told him how you feel. Doing it over again is not going to help you. He's not a man who is available but there are lots of others who are and are willing to give love, time and attention. If you get stuck on this guy, you will never open yourself up to other, most likely better, possibilities.
2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Most men have things on their mind. Problems. As well as wants and desires from the woman in their life But if my man acted that way toward me - that would be the ONLY opportunity he had to do that crap! Because I would never go back! He's trained you that once in a while he acts out - and YOU'VE STAYED - so you've sent him a strong message that you ARE willing to put up with his crappy behavior. Until now - and I'm proud of you that you have a boundary that states perfectly clear "I'm not allowing you to treat me this way". Going back to him now would only be making it all ok = rewarding bad behavior! I hope you stand firm because this is not the way any man should treat a woman. And your brothers are idiots for saying his behavior is forgivable - it's not ok!!!
RonaldS Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I think some of the women in this thread are blowing this a little out of proportion. You guys are acting like they had been dating for months and had come to an agreement on what they both wanted, became exclusive, etc. You're all bashing his behavior, saying men who deal with things in a healthy and mature fashion don't need to retreat to solve problems, and so on. Look, if I start dating somebody, and all of a sudden a bunch of other stuff starts falling apart, I'm not going to pull my new dating partner into it. If I tell them I need some space, my expectation will be that they will understand and give me space. When things fall apart or get too out of control, a new, well...it's not even a relationship at that point...a new thing with a new girl is going to be the last thing on my mind. So, I sometimes take some time, take a couple days, maybe go camping or whatever, sit on a stump, stare at the dirt and figure things out. That's actually a very healthy way to solve a problem. You remove yourself physically from an environment that is stressful and distracting, you put things that are ok being put on hold for a couple days on hold, and you clear your head and make decisions in a calm and rational state. You come back, you're regrouped, and you get done what needs to be done. And you don't drag a bunch of strangers into your sh*t-show. To be clear, I'm talking about extreme situations. Not every time you have a little problem. Most women will never understand how men deal with things. They want instant answers and results (like the OP in this thread). My ex was like that. There would be some money issue and we would have to do something like get a check deposited or transfer funds or whatever. It would be 11 at night, and maybe I would be banging on my guitar. She would come in and be in a tizzy asking what we were going to do about the situation and just generally freaking out. And I was always like 'Probably nothing right this minute. It's 11 at night. The bank is closed. We can't do anything about it until tomorrow. When the bank opens tomorrow, I will take care of it', but because I wasn't jumping into action right that second, she would get even more upset. Relax. OP, relax. Don't fall in love in 10 minutes, don't push a man you barely know if he tells you he needs a minute. Don't ask for answers that aren't there yet. Just relax.
Author KRuss Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) RonaldS I think I lean more towards your direction at times, and then at times I don't. In a sense I think I lean your way more because we hadn't dated that long. I know talking to my oldest son who is 30, he somewhat agrees with you too because of the shortness of the relationship. Plus, he says it is somewhat normal when you are first in a relationship and a man to not want to appear weak. AND, my son is horribly protective in that sense as I have gone through a lot of heartache in my past marriage from my ex. I have to take it at face value right now, even though I dont like him not contacting me. I think I will wait to see what happens, but I have learned a lot in this. I may even send a text as you originally suggested, thinking on it before i do anything. Letting my emotions calm a bit here....I think better then. Edited August 31, 2013 by KRuss
happykat Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 Guess that is my lesson here. Even if they say what they will do, dont question it, but keep check on their actions only. Bingo! The most important lesson -- actions speak louder than words... Things would be much simpler is if we could just adhere to that simple rule..
2sunny Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 A guy who disappeared after a strong start - without reaching out to keep me up to speed about how he's doing - would turn me off. I can't see how it's healthy. Communication is key in any relationship and he went silent. I know you haven't dated long - but this says some things about his problem solving skills and shutting out the one he was making effort for. Now - IF he hadn't been making much effort at the start- I don't think it would be so telling. But knowing he's capable - yet shuts you out - I don't think it's nice of him.
ja123 Posted August 31, 2013 Posted August 31, 2013 (edited) what I would really like is for suggestions on where I went wrong on my side of things, and how i can improve here. help me out here. At what point was i wrong or unreasonable in my actions? Hi OP, I haven't read the entire thread, so I don't know if anyone has written something similar to what I'm about to write. But here goes ... All the signs were there. He set the bar, and the expectations. Then he went poof. Why? I don't think you did anything wrong. It's normal to want a connection with someone. You're human. Anyone would have started to develop feelings, I think. That's why it hurts so much now that he's pulled the plug. It seems so unfair that he participated in creating the desire and the expectations only to disappear in such an abrupt manner. That's his bad. So why? I think that this, ultimately, has nothing to do with you. I think that his financial problems did not just appear out of nowhere and suddenly cause him to not want to see you. I think that his financial problems (and his "problems" in general) were brewing for quite some time before you even entered the picture. And that it was for this very reason that he went on a dating site to meet someone. I believe it was for this very reason, he poured on the strong romantic attention to you. Not for you, but for himself. He was using a romantic interlude as an "escape" from his problems. He was caught up in fantasy and "desire" as a means of protection from his problems. It's too bad you got caught up in the cross-fire, through no fault of your own. OLD (online dating) is notorious for teaming with emotionally "unavailable" types. As one poster suggested, research emotional unavailability, or "Mr. Unavailable" (women can be emotionally unavailable, too, btw). A good website is baggagereclaim. By becoming better informed, you will be able to better protect yourself from developing intense feelings so soon in a relationship before getting to know the person and seeing if they have an "agenda". By taking things more slowly, you will have a better chance to see if their actions and words are in alignment, and are consistent for the long-run. Take some time to grieve your loss. But try not too grieve too long, and get back into the saddle as soon as possible. Know that you are grieving the loss of the "relationship" that you would have liked to have had, rather than this particular man, per se. You didn't really know him well enough. Wishing you all the best. Edited August 31, 2013 by ja123 2
Author KRuss Posted September 3, 2013 Author Posted September 3, 2013 Well I messaged him today just saying I hope his week was great. He didnt respond. Later in night sent a message, "Ok, I get it now, thanks. Silence speaks volumes at this point. I really got caught up with you and thought there was something there with us. Obviously there wasn't or that changed and you didn't feel like telling me." Wish I hadnt done it as it hurts all over again. I realize it is over and I will never understand. I do know this:? *I have learned if they pull away to let them and do not even think twice about it. * It will be awhile before I let my guard down so quickly. I will really need to know them awhile first. *Anyone with the character I am looking for would have at least sent me a message * I cannot expect people to be concerned with my feelings, just because i am like that with others. I am SO sad, this man displayed so much of what I wanted. I did blow it by not giving him space from the get go when he told me he was stressed I will never know if it could have been more, so sad that I was insecure. I think it is due to being hurt so badly in divorce...hard to trust. I need to figure this out. Counseling appt Wed. Crying, hurt, and angry at myself because I feel I sabotaged a good potential person. I did stop at this though. I wrote a long message I didnt send just to get it out. Heavy sigh....crying
superchick Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Well I messaged him today just saying I hope his week was great. He didnt respond. Later in night sent a message, "Ok, I get it now, thanks. Silence speaks volumes at this point. I really got caught up with you and thought there was something there with us. Obviously there wasn't or that changed and you didn't feel like telling me." Wish I hadnt done it as it hurts all over again. I realize it is over and I will never understand. I do know this:? *I have learned if they pull away to let them and do not even think twice about it. * It will be awhile before I let my guard down so quickly. I will really need to know them awhile first. *Anyone with the character I am looking for would have at least sent me a message * I cannot expect people to be concerned with my feelings, just because i am like that with others. I am SO sad, this man displayed so much of what I wanted. I did blow it by not giving him space from the get go when he told me he was stressed I will never know if it could have been more, so sad that I was insecure. I think it is due to being hurt so badly in divorce...hard to trust. I need to figure this out. Counseling appt Wed. Crying, hurt, and angry at myself because I feel I sabotaged a good potential person. I did stop at this though. I wrote a long message I didnt send just to get it out. Heavy sigh....crying It's not your fault. He doesn't sound like a man who can handle a relationship at the moment. Chances are that even if you did everything right, he would still find a reason to pull away. He does not sound like a man with the integrity therefore I don't see how this could possibly be a good relationship or how he could be a good potential candidate. 1
Mascara Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 Well I messaged him today just saying I hope his week was great. He didnt respond. Later in night sent a message, "Ok, I get it now, thanks. Silence speaks volumes at this point. I really got caught up with you and thought there was something there with us. Obviously there wasn't or that changed and you didn't feel like telling me." Oh Lordy... please, for your own sanity, don't send anything else. I know that right now you think you won't, but in a couple of days the urge might overcome you again. Don't give into it, leave him now. 2
Mascara Posted September 3, 2013 Posted September 3, 2013 There's one thing that stops me bringing out the crazy like this. Think back to your past, any guy that you dated and just weren't feeling it. Mine is from a few years ago. It has to be someone you don't want to hear from in any capacity. Now imagine that guy doing everything you've done. Contacting you to ask where things are going. Sending "ok, FINE, now I see" texts. Even lighthearted texts asking how your day is. The eye rolling and annoyance and pity that you'd feel is exactly what you're creating in the guy you DO like. So next time you're tempted, remember.... how would YOU receive a text like that from someone you have no interest in at all? And yes, I know you'd try to gently explain etc etc... but what you'd feel is just nothing. 2
Author KRuss Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Well I looked today as it had been a couple weeks. The guy I was dating updated his FB account with a new job. SO, obviously it was the truth that he was having a major setback financially, causing him to change jobs. Sigh....I felt he was being up front, and at least if nothing else I feel better knowing this.
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