Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Pteromom: Everyone always goes to the other woman. I get it, I lived that, but maybe that isn't the case. Geez... Anyhow, if you read the original message, yes i sent that text...didnt think of it as break up as we weren't in a exclusive relationship. But, I also stated that i called an left a message saying I sent it off emotions and I was sorry, that I would like to talk by phone to clear my thoughts up.
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 RonaldS: I would tell you that I was married 24 yrs, so out of dating practice. Did date one guy 1.5 years, but not a lot of people since divorce. So, I am learning and it is different on many levels than dating when younger. As well, I have never experienced anything like this guy coming on so hard and strong, and secondarily he had all the things i was looking for in a person it seemed, and I got caught up....my fault for that, but also his for being the lead in. He lead this entire time, I never asked to see him, seldom messaged him first other than to say hi, or hope you are having a great day, on occasion. I always answered him, and he always did me until the very last message which I take blame for. In all honesty though it is hard to go from full board to nothing without having hurt feelings. There isnt really anything else to the story here. Things were great, had fun, great meaningful conversations happening, him and I both engaged full board until very recently when all this happened with "stress" of work, etc.
RonaldS Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 RonaldS: I would tell you that I was married 24 yrs, so out of dating practice. Did date one guy 1.5 years, but not a lot of people since divorce. So, I am learning and it is different on many levels than dating when younger. As well, I have never experienced anything like this guy coming on so hard and strong, and secondarily he had all the things i was looking for in a person it seemed, and I got caught up....my fault for that, but also his for being the lead in. He lead this entire time, I never asked to see him, seldom messaged him first other than to say hi, or hope you are having a great day, on occasion. I always answered him, and he always did me until the very last message which I take blame for. In all honesty though it is hard to go from full board to nothing without having hurt feelings. There isnt really anything else to the story here. Things were great, had fun, great meaningful conversations happening, him and I both engaged full board until very recently when all this happened with "stress" of work, etc. OK. Well, now you know. IN the beginning, you need to be cool (and by cool, I mean Fonzi cool and detached cool), you need to be cautious, you need to be patient and you need to be a little skeptical. In a lot of ways, this is like owning stocks. You don't want to run right out and unload all of your stocks the second their price either goes up or down a few cents. Wait and see. Chart performance, then make your move. Things ALWAYS seem great in the beginning. How do they seem in week 2? Week 6? Week 12? Is it consistent? Is it getting better, or worse? 2
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 RonaldS: Ok, i get it. I trade stock options so you are talking my lingo. Thanks, appreciate it. I think I was very much on board and told him how I was feeling, as he was doing that with me. Guess you cannot be sincere in the beginning. I will remember the stock analogy forever....how I think, and will be now moving forward. It really does SUCK as I feel like I just "bought in" and the stock dropped overnight by 30% and not sure how to recoup my losses. First guy I have really been crazy head over heels about...miss him and the time we had. Wish I could change it.
RonaldS Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 RonaldS: Ok, i get it. I trade stock options so you are talking my lingo. Thanks, appreciate it. I think I was very much on board and told him how I was feeling, as he was doing that with me. Guess you cannot be sincere in the beginning. I will remember the stock analogy forever....how I think, and will be now moving forward. It really does SUCK as I feel like I just "bought in" and the stock dropped overnight by 30% and not sure how to recoup my losses. First guy I have really been crazy head over heels about...miss him and the time we had. Wish I could change it. As in trading, sometimes you don't recoup your losses. You just lose. And then you trade smarter the next time. And the value of his stock didn't drop...you may have simply over-valued it. Then, when trading opened, you found out what it was truly worth. And you can totally be sincere in the beginning. Just don't go crazy with it and, more importantly, don't open yourself up too quickly. Ease into the tub. 3
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 RonaldS: So, I just never contact him again, I get no closure, no explanation, nothing? I just have to stay confused as to why it happened when everything seemed magical? I know you weren't here in it, but I was. NOTHING was wrong, we were very excited when we left one another, then had meaningful conversation of 2 hours he initiated, then more texts he initiated all but one, messages, gifts of songs from Itunes from concert we went to day after date, then call from him saying leaving for a couple days to see if he could get his work mojo back....fall off face of earth. I would like to know SOMETHING, ANYTHING...
BluEyeL Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I know is hard, extremely hard, imposibly hard, but you must not contact! He will reach out. Could take week or even months. But only if you do not contact. I've made that mistake, I know how impossibly hard it is. A good way to forget is date others.Heck, have an ONS, with a younger hottie, do something that will make you feel good, go to therapy, but don't make any more contact. You seem like a smart woman, with a good head on your shoulders. You'll find someone else if not this one. It's going to be others, it's a matter of time. I was hung up on a guy for two months this Spring, now I am at that point...what did I ever see in him? Hugs and good luck! 1
FitChick Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Whatever you do, don't lend him any money. There is an outside chance he romances women, leaves them hanging, knowing they will be desperate to see him again so when he tells his sob story of waiting for that wire transfer from his big deal... I hope I am wrong. Regardless, no contact.
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Well in many realms i consider myself "smart". I am not a whiz at dating, obviously! Sounds like I have to learn some "rules" and I thought I was just supposed to be "me" and be genuine. Unfortunately,I meet guys OLD and many dont intrigue me at all, they are shallow, or not interesting, I am not attracted, or they arent adventurous, or fun. I am very positive, active physically, and very emotionally aware, upbeat, fun, and for 50 I have most guessing me much younger than my age. I don't worry that there will not be others. Honestly, I get a lot of emails but meet a small percentage. I have met a lot of really nice men, and all of the men always want a second date. I am the one who declines usually, and I dont like that part of it either. I dont like disappointing people. Problem is, I am the one who doesnt connect usually on some level. With this last person I did totally, and that is very rare for me. I am looking for my Mr Right, not Mr Right now, although I want him now..... When this fell apart I decided that although I didnt feel it, I had to go back to the OLD, and accept that I didn't have anything solid to hang my hat on at this point. In three days I had 56 emails, and i have only emailed one back and met him today for lunch. I am very picky and have a good idea of what I want. This last guy made me realize that the strength, yet emotional vulnerability can be found in a "manly man". You cannot fake the things we talked about. So, I am even more sure now that I may wait awhile to find the right man for me...sigh. Disappointing for sure... Today's date, very nice warm man. A bit older 55, oldest I have even met. He is fit, kind, gentlemanly, thoughtful, etc. but he is not very refined in his lifestyle. That isn't all there is, but I like art, museums, and also the other side of concerts, and simple too. I just don't think he fits what I am looking for, a little too cautious even about eating in a foreign country, worried he may get something....when in Rome..... Thanks for the message. Also, why are you so SURE I will hear from him again? I know is hard, extremely hard, imposibly hard, but you must not contact! He will reach out. Could take week or even months. But only if you do not contact. I've made that mistake, I know how impossibly hard it is. A good way to forget is date others.Heck, have an ONS, with a younger hottie, do something that will make you feel good, go to therapy, but don't make any more contact. You seem like a smart woman, with a good head on your shoulders. You'll find someone else if not this one. It's going to be others, it's a matter of time. I was hung up on a guy for two months this Spring, now I am at that point...what did I ever see in him? Hugs and good luck!
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 OMG, NO this is not the issue here at all. Never dealt with any of that, I think I am a bit more perceptive in my world than that, thank goodness!!! Whatever you do, don't lend him any money. There is an outside chance he romances women, leaves them hanging, knowing they will be desperate to see him again so when he tells his sob story of waiting for that wire transfer from his big deal... I hope I am wrong. Regardless, no contact.
Lokie Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Sheesh, woman, give me your secret to getting 53 emails in 3 days in OLD! That certainly has not been my experience. It would have made cutting ties with my 6 week dude a lot easier!
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Lokie... Honestly, if your goal is to fuel your ego I guess it would help. I pretty much over the last few years have figured out what I wanted, what I need, and am at a place that i KNOW I cannot settle for less. So, the emails are very affirming to the ego, but it doesn't seem to really matter to me. If it isn't from someone that really intrigues me I pass. Really, in so many ways I am happier than ever because of where I have come from and where I am with myself. Unfortunately, for me, a relationship is part of what I want to be completely content. Life seems less rewarding when you don't have someone to share it with....the way I feel. I realize some don't feel this way. Sigh....miss this man. On top of all the other drama the man I dated for 1.5 years wanted to get back and date me. I told him two weeks ago I had met someone to see where it goes. As well, I dont think as much as I wanted him then that he is for me after my growing, learning. Sad, he just found out I was having issues from a mutual friend and wants to meet me a week from Saturday to discuss Us. Life. Future. Man, when it rains it pours in life. Stressed....
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 T3h L337 d00d: Seems like a simple question. From all that I have ascertained my ex really never completely opened up, and wasn't able to share emotionally. When we separated after 23 years, his doing, I found out he had an affair in middle or our marriage. He apologized, and went to counseling while separated. He starting bringing up things that happened the first six months of our marriage. According to two different counselors, one i picked and one he picked, they said he stuffed his emotions, was narcissistic, and was projecting his unhappiness on me, and had a long way to go in life. I couldn't battle 23 years of history or fix it. He wasn't really there to try either. After a year of separation he moved back in and told me he wanted to renew our vows, and fix things. I told him I would try but not sure how things would go, he would have to regain my trust. Again, a ploy but he wasn't in it...dressed and on the bench but didnt come to PLAY. He moved out after I prompted him to go back to counseling. He was depressed, and really withdrawn. After he moved out, I found out the year he was gone he was seeing someone else. SO, they live together now in another state. He left 3.5 years ago, divorced 2.5. Why do you ask?
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 I know he was married 25 years, there was no affair, etc, but his wife wanted the divorce. He tried to work on it for several years but couldn't change the outcome. They had a lot of stress in their lives, her family had a death, a parent that needed to go into care, and a divorce of a brother. The kids came to be with this man and his then wife for the summer. In the end she said it was too much to handle, and she coulndt handle it all and him. He said they were coping with things from all angles and his view was the time was about getting things handled and done. She saw him as a negative for whatever reason, he couldn't really grasp why. Felt he was blamed for all the stress, when in fact it was all outside of them initially but brought it to their lives. Since then he said she would go back to him but assured me that she had hurt him terribly. He cried for hours after signing divorce papers, and she just laughed as the ink had run out in the pen. He was very hurt. Told me he felt like I was so calm and easy to he around, and he felt comfortable being himself. Sigh...guess i blew that.
BluEyeL Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Ha, maybe the wife is in this picture? If so, not good. I said I think he'll be back because of the way you described your time together. But I can't know for sure.
Chocolat Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 (edited) Second, what I would really like is for suggestions on where I went wrong on my side of things, and how i can improve here. I really want a REAL, Honest, loving relationship. My goal. I don't think you did anything wrong, per se. But relationships can't be built in 6 weeks. I'd be leery of anyone who thought I checked all his boxes so early on; he hasn't had a chance to experience the full me (nor vice versa). So my advice would be to take it slow. True compatibility takes time to be revealed. Edited August 30, 2013 by Chocolat 1
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Chocolat: I think when you say that, as I have about him, it is because the basic tenants of a possible relationship can be seen. You have passion, chemistry, likes, similar lifestyle, values etc. Those are things you need to really spend time on, but the initial thoughts are in line with what you want.
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Snyder Dating: So your take is he just has a lot going on and this is acceptable behavior to fall off the face of the earth for week/s? It seems like the men in this thread seem to think it is quite normal, but the women think there is another woman, or any number of outside reasons. Reading what occurred what are your thoughts/advice? - This is really true, men often do that... while women like to "tend and mend", contrary to what some pop-psychologists claim, men do not bottle things up inside, they just like to work problems out in their own head. Read the book Men are From Mars Women are From Venus, the whole book is about this. Sounds like he has a lot on his plate.
Chocolat Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Chocolat: I think when you say that, as I have about him, it is because the basic tenants of a possible relationship can be seen. You have passion, chemistry, likes, similar lifestyle, values etc. Those are things you need to really spend time on, but the initial thoughts are in line with what you want. I think there can be potential early on, but it takes time to see if that potential is real. As you have experienced, some people (usually men) are adept at coming on strong initially, while seeming to be exactly what a woman is looking for, only to disappear, leaving her baffled and bewildered. My gut says this guy has issues beyond what he has stated. I don't know if there is another woman (seems likely, imo) or what, but the notion that everything is great and then suddenly, in the space of 2 days, there is a tax problem, a stolen credit card, work problems, and a daughter with an eating disorder... well, it can happen, but add to it the incredible convenience of a friend who is going away in the mountains who issues an invitation and now the guy is MIA for a few days. Call me a skeptic but it doesn't pass the smell test for this gal. 2
Mascara Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I don't think he has another woman. I think he's just decided you're not for him. That's what dating is. Now, he made a bit of a mistake in thinking that his initial excitement was falling in love, but apart from that... it was just dating. You're looking for answers and reasons where none exists. It was nothing you did. But neither can you expect closure. Look, I'm 42. A similar age to you. Here's how some of my dating history has gone, with men in their 40s and 50s. Third date, our first kiss. Next morning he texts that he woke up thinking about me, can't wait to see me again and feel my lips. Don't hear from him until 2 weeks later when he says he's not feeling it. One month of dating, he calls and texts constantly, makes me a mix tape, sends flowers to my work. He falls off the face of the earth, not heard from him again to this day (although I saw his dating profile active again) 2 months of dating. Planned every date, took me out for some fantastic nights, I cooked for him, we had a weekend away, he would talk about "if we got married". Phone call out of the blue saying he won't ever love me that way, so is ending it. ..... what you are experiencing is not unusual.
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 Mascara: I thought i liked normal, but in this case I don't. I am really considering just not dating as I don't think I am cut out for it. I think I got planted here from another era in time, and don't really like the way people behave in dating. Not sure I want to subject myself to it all. It seems as though I am pretty happy in life until I let go and start to trust someone....then I am disappointed. I can see why people get hard in life when they are dating, and why it is hard for people to let go of their defenses and just be vulnerable. Very sad... Thank you for sharing this with me. Good luck to you. 1
2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 I think his history with his wife is telling. Since his reaction to "obstacles/stress" in his life aren't handled in a healthy manner - I think you dodged a bullet. The men that are hot and cold are no fun! 1
Mascara Posted August 30, 2013 Posted August 30, 2013 Have a read of this - Why do men blow hot and cold? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1
Author KRuss Posted August 30, 2013 Author Posted August 30, 2013 2Sunny: I didnt gather that. I think she had unrealistic expectations, as he was just handling things and being involved/supportive. She is the one that viewed a long term partner as a negative, or problem. I think when you have struggles that is what you do, put yourself aside and handle them. Then, when crises is over regular life can be maintained. That is called love, commitment.
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