Dating.../Stressed man

[KRuss]

ExpatinItaly: Why is this your view? Gut instinct, signs, your past experiences, why this thought and advice?

[BluEyeL]

Drseuss, he initially replied to her questions, but she didn't accept it and pull back, pushed for more, made him feel guilty and not accepted. Im not taking his side in general, because he doesn't seem to have the resources to nurture a relationship right now, so it's better to move on. But when a man is pulling away, the worst a woman can do is to start dragging him back. The only way is to either let him be, or move on, without showing your hurt and insecurity. Complain to therapists and girlfriends. When or if he springs back let him onow how his behavior hurt you, but not before because you'll push him away more. When I'm insecure, I just blow up girlfriends' inbox, never his, and the waiting paid off several times.

[BluEyeL]

No, not acceptable. Should have just quietly written him off.

[RonaldS]

So, clearly you think it's ok for him to ghost out on her after being up her butt for six weeks straight?

 

To completely ignore her plea to at least talk things out like adults?

 

You're right. Please.....

 

Mmmmmm....you might want to go back and reread the original post. Lots of examples of him telling her that he wasn't going to be available ahead of time. He tells her he's going to be in the mountains Thurs-Sun. Then she states in sort of blaming fashion that she doesn't hear from him Thurs-Sun.

 

Really? Didn't hear from him? I wonder if that's because he was in the mountains like he told you he was going to be. Mountains are not know for strong cell signals. Her response is to start questioning things and talking about mixed signals, expectations, etc.

 

That's just one example.

 

I'm not saying he hasn't lost interest. Maybe he has, or maybe he's perceiving this as being more trouble than it's worth. Or maybe he just is overwhelmed. As somebody who has been there, if there's a woman I like but the other parts of life take over and need to be dealt with, and I tell the woman that and then she still gets all tweaky, then I too would probably back away from her.

 

Your post is just the default knee-jerk girly 'men are a-holes' reaction that women tend to repeatedly shoot themselves in the foot with.

[KRuss]

DrSeussgirl:

 

He didnt cancel a date. We saw each other Sunday and late that night after a fabulous date, we said maybe we could get together Tues. He called Mon night and said he had a tax appt on Tues he didnt remember. We did have a meaningful talk that night, 2 hours, He texted me Tues afternoon, then Wed called to say work deals all fell through, and frustrated. He said a guy from work was going to mountains but his wife and son couldnt join til Sat morning. So he was going with to get away. He said he would call while gone to make a plan for weekend as he would be back Sat Morning. He didnt. The rest is explained in initial message.

 

He did respond to me once by phone to explain, and again in a response to a text. He didnt respond to my last emotional text. While I dont like he was shutting me out, it is a new relationship 6 weeks, and I should have listened instead of getting emotional. I should have just sent a message saying something light to keep in touch or left him be, not the emotional text.

 

My last message was this:

 

"On our second date you told me a lot of nice things. I told you those scared me as it seemed storybook and I would wake up and it wouldnt be real. This is why...

 

I feel like I jumped out of a plane with no parachute. At the highs firmly on cloud 9 (Sun..our last date). Hit bottom last Wed (oops no parachute).

 

I understand your main focus needing to be other places now. I am very mindful of others, understanding, and empathetic. I am hurt as I feel shut out, not just moved to a different level of importance. I need someone who can let me in a some level at the highs and lows.

 

I feel like I have been left with nothing to hold onto so i have to move forward with my life. I am sad.

 

I am sorry you are struggling, and genuinely wish the best of outcomes for you."

 

It was pretty emotional, and either way...if he was telling truth or not, it was probably too much. If he isnt interested, who cares. If he is, but he is just shutting down from major stress, this added more

 

Even though it is exactly how i felt....

 

I think I was disappointed as he swept me off my feet more than anyone ever has...then to no contact in days. Hard to deal with for me. I think I acted on past triggers....fear that someone wasnt telling me the truth and I didnt want him to disappear as I saw so much potential and he really did seem like "my guy". Heavy sigh....heart hurting...

Edited August 29, 2013 by KRuss

[clia]

From the moment I met him he sent me dozen roses day after first date, called incessantly or texted, sent song links, has told me he took his profile off day after met me as he really likes me, had a great time dating about once a week. I went to a wedding in Cabo for my son. He texted me, talked to me and supported me while there, etc. I saw him two weeks ago Sun eve for a concert, and had a great time. We have dated 6 weeks.

 

When we saw each other two weeks ago we planned to see each other that Tues.

 

Am I correct that you haven't seen him for the last two of the six weeks you were dating? How many actual dates did you have? 4? (You said above you were seeing him about once a week?)

 

This sounds to me like the classic John Gray blowtorcher guy. He comes on super strong (the dozen roses after the first date, constant texting, fast intimacy, etc.) then flames out really fast and poofs.

 

The only thing you did wrong here is fell for it. (Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, so no judgment here!) With these kinds of men, the best thing to do is take it all with a big grain of salt and hold them at arm's length until enough time has passed that you know they actually mean what they say and aren't completely full of it. When their actions are backing up their words. Typically they fall off the face of the Earth pretty quickly, like within a month, as you saw. Almost without exception they don't officially break up; they just do the fade away and you are left wondering what the heck happened because you thought you had a great connection and everything seemed wonderful.

 

You have to protect your heart from these kinds of men. Do not take what they say at face value. When someone is saying everything you want to hear and you barely know them...be wary.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but hang in there. You'll be fine. And no more contact with him. He's poofed.

[RonaldS]

I would be VERY WORRIED if I didn't hear from my dude after 3-4 days, esp if he didn't call when he got back into town like he said he would.

This is what I don't get. He told her he was going to be in the mountains. Why would she expect to hear from him? If your dude told you he was going up into the mountains for a few days, would you expect to hear from him? Especially after only dating for a month?

 

He's in the mountains!

 

Then he gets back and doesn't contact her the split second he's in town. So what? If it were me, and a woman skipped like 10 levels of intervention and went straight to 'Me me me me' without even giving me a chance to take my shoes off and lay down on the couch for a second, I would be like 'Mmmm-k, take care'.

 

Again...we know a fraction of the details. I'm just offering another perspective. The OP herself said its difficult to be empathic to other people and still have your own needs and expectations met. Well, better work on it if you ever want to have a relationship work.

[KRuss]

RonaldS:

 

I expected to hear from him as he told me Wed, I will call you from the road to make a plan for the weekend. I didnt care he didnt call when he was gone as i figured he needed the space away after job frustration. He got back Sat morning, and didnt call all day. Sun is when I sent a message. I don't think that was unfair.

 

Also I dont mind you throwing me under the bus, as I may deserve part of it. BUT, he did tell me he would do something and not follow through.

 

I was being empathetic to him, but also was hurting from the huge change in actions. You also have to remember, our last date was incredible. AND, our last date we were very passionate, and he said, "I cannot imagine the passion when we finally make love, as it is off the charts just with our clothes on next to one another.". I told him I was ready to have sex, and he said, "we will never just have sex, we will make love". That was our last night together as we parted in the car with intense making out after the concert.

 

I am far from perfect, and after being married 24 yrs. not sure how all this dating stuff works. I do know I have triggers but I genuinely was myself, and meant all I said.

[KRuss]

I didnt sleep with him...we were intimate but not to that level. We had decided our last date that we were ready for that. THANK GOD it didn't happen, I would feel much worse right now.

[BluEyeL]

I kind of agree with both sides here. Ronald makes perfect sense. Men don't think exactly like us. He didn't contact when he returned, but she didn't give him too many chances too and she contacted first. He replied to her the first and second time they were in contact, told her he has some problems, then she kind of flew off the handle. men are afraid you'll take away their freedom, he felt that besides his problems she is becoming yet another problem.

 

The other side I agree with is that men who come on too strong shouldn't be fully trusted. Or reformulating, not that THEY shouldn't be trusted, but their words and exaggerated actions shouldn't be taken as standard behavior in the relationship. That's not reality.

 

So this guy could be either way, either just dealing with stress and shutting down because of her reaction, or just lost interest the week before and did the fade on purpose. We don't have enough data to know which one it is.

[KRuss]

There are NO ed issues, 100% sure of that.

 

I think BluEyeL has pegged it. We can all presume this or that, but WE dont know. ONLY he knows, and I have to move on, very sadly. I am really upset over this as I have never experienced anything like it. I mean, NOTHING happened with US to start this. If he really likes me he will be back. If he doesn't then I cannot do anything to change that. Just makes NO sense to me.

 

All I can do is move on however I can figure to do that. I need to not contact him at all, even though you think I should send a nice text RonaldS....not sure that is good idea here.

 

I am going to have a hard time as I have dated since my divorce and not found a connection on this level yet....

[KRuss]

His 17yo daughter wasnt with him those days, so it was a good time to get away.

 

"He said he would call while gone to make a plan for weekend as he would be back Sat Morning. He didn't."

 

The guy is suffering from a major financial meltdown, a daughter who possibly has an eating disorder, and he's going to run off to the mountains where he's completely unreachable?

 

Doubt it.

[BluEyeL]

There are NO ed issues, 100% sure of that.

 

I think BluEyeL has pegged it. We can all presume this or that, but WE dont know. ONLY he knows, and I have to move on, very sadly. I am really upset over this as I have never experienced anything like it. I mean, NOTHING happened with US to start this. If he really likes me he will be back. If he doesn't then I cannot do anything to change that. Just makes NO sense to me.

 

All I can do is move on however I can figure to do that. I need to not contact him at all, even though you think I should send a nice text RonaldS....not sure that is good idea here.

 

I am going to have a hard time as I have dated since my divorce and not found a connection on this level yet....

I'm sorryy, I know it hurts. He will be back if it was just problems and shutting down AND if you stop contacting. We can't know, but I'm inclined towards this version, especially because you didn't have sex.

[KRuss]

First, what is OP?

 

Second, what I would really like is for suggestions on where I went wrong on my side of things, and how i can improve here. I really want a REAL, Honest, loving relationship. My goal.

 

So, I have learned:

 

If they fall off face of earth, let them and go your own way. DONT contact them AT ALL.

 

Other than that, help me out here. At what point was i wrong or unreasonable in my actions?

 

Thanks

[forgetmenot75]

I think you've learned the most important thing here: to let him go.

You weren't unreasonable at all, but I do think you shouldn't reach to him if he already told you he was "busy" with other things. That should be enough for you.

 

I think this man doesn't want to commit, or doesn't want to commit with you specifically. You don't know what's on his mind right now, if he's seeing someone else, etc.

Just let him alone. I wouldn't believe all the things men say, btw.

[RonaldS]

"He said he would call while gone to make a plan for weekend as he would be back Sat Morning. He didn't."

 

The guy is suffering from a major financial meltdown, a daughter who possibly has an eating disorder, and he's going to run off to the mountains where he's completely unreachable?

 

Doubt it.

 

I've done that. Sometimes, when the sh*t hits the fan, it's helpful to step way from the situation for a few days, clear your head and make good decisions. If something can't be resolved right away, what good does it do to sit around dwelling on it. I've had it happen in relationships, business, whatever. Things get crazy, but nothing can really be done about it immediately, so you take a break and regroup.

[KRuss]

We were intimate pretty early obviously, but hadn't "gone there". I was not ready to quite yet.

 

I'm sorryy, I know it hurts. He will be back if it was just problems and shutting down AND if you stop contacting. We can't know, but I'm inclined towards this version, especially because you didn't have sex.

[Lokie]

The reasoning behind what I shared is my own experience. The feeling you are feeling right now, this confusion, this sadness, this fear that you'll never find another man you connect so well with or are as hot for, etc. is the exact reason people stay in unsatisfying relationships where their needs aren't getting met.

 

We all want to avoid this pain, sadness and fear. But for me, I am finally taking responsibility for my part in all the crappy relationships, icky treatment and inbalanced affection. I have made a vow to myself to ask for what I want and pay attention to actions, all the while keeping my heart open and loving. It's a tough gig. It's why I'm on this board.

 

Please take care of you.

[Mascara]

I hate to pry, but I have to ask... when you say you "intimate", please tell me that this doesn't mean you had oral/digit sex and he got off. Does it just mean things were leading there?

[semicharmedlife]

First, what is OP?

 

Original Post(er)

 

Second, what I would really like is for suggestions on where I went wrong on my side of things, and how i can improve here. I really want a REAL, Honest, loving relationship. My goal.

 

You did NOTHING wrong. I probably would not have gotten all emotional with him...but Nothing you did caused him to pull away...

 

So, I have learned:

 

If they fall off face of earth, let them and go your own way. DONT contact them AT ALL.

 

NO contact

 

Other than that, help me out here.

 

Google the term "Mr. Unavailable" and educate yourself...

 

At what point was i wrong or unreasonable in my actions?

 

Thanks

 

And don't delete his number from your phone just yet...but change his name to Mr. Unavailable...It will remind you who you are dealing with...Just in case you hear from him again...

[pteromom]

Ok now I like where this is going. I was just sitting here thinking, how can there be so many views? Maybe this is why I am confused....because there are so many ways to look at this situation.

 

It is interesting to see why people think about this the way they do. Fire away everyone as I want to see what is behind the thoughts on this. Very interesting.

 

This is true.

 

So here are your options.

 

1. He isn't interested, in which case, there is nothing you can do.

 

2. He is interested, but he is so stressed, he can't take just a few seconds here or there to send a "thinking of you" text. Instead, he chooses just to leave you high and dry. In which case, is this really someone you want in your life - someone who is going to disappear every time things get tough?

 

I got a strong "another woman" vibe from this post. He left for the weekend with a male co-worker. Uh-huh, sure. And didn't think to call you during the whole trip and share anything with you.

[pteromom]

My last message was this:

 

"On our second date you told me a lot of nice things. I told you those scared me as it seemed storybook and I would wake up and it wouldnt be real. This is why...

 

I feel like I jumped out of a plane with no parachute. At the highs firmly on cloud 9 (Sun..our last date). Hit bottom last Wed (oops no parachute).

 

I understand your main focus needing to be other places now. I am very mindful of others, understanding, and empathetic. I am hurt as I feel shut out, not just moved to a different level of importance. I need someone who can let me in a some level at the highs and lows.

 

I feel like I have been left with nothing to hold onto so i have to move forward with my life. I am sad.

 

I am sorry you are struggling, and genuinely wish the best of outcomes for you."

 

Wait a minute. You sent him a break-up message! So of course he hasn't contacted you.

[RonaldS]

Do you do this without warning to your S.O.? Or do you just expect her to be understanding that you're going through a tough time and not expect to hear from you for four days, and not call when you say you will?

 

S.O.? Probably not. Some girl I've been dating for a month? Sure.

[superchick]

Oh I completely agree. My dude goes quiet sometimes and I don't go chasing after him and he always comes back - but we're not talking days here. In fact, his mom is probably going to hospice soon, and he was more quiet than usual last week, but he doesn't go days without contact, and still makes the time and effort to see me.

 

Agree. My boyfriend's dear Mom passed away a few months ago... he has quiet and sad days but he still calls everyday and we see each other regularly. Never in those two years we have been together, he disappeared nor stopped communicating just because he couldn't handle the relationship.

 

OP, I posted my opinion based on my experience.

[RonaldS]

I just think its important to remember that they have been dating for 1 month. You don't really have a relationship after one month, especially when both parties are 50 years old and divorced.

 

Again, I'm not absolving the guy nor am I saying that he is interested or wants to continue on or whatever. Is he a jerk? Maybe. MAybe not. Did she jump the gun? Maybe. Maybe not. Is there more to this story? Probably.

 

I think there is a time and a place for getting swept of your feet in romantic bliss....its called your teens.

 

After that, you sorta need to have some trepidation. If you have a lot of relationship experience, and you are 50, you kinda have to wade in very slowly. Yeah, this guy could have blowtorched. Or, maybe she came on too strong. Or both. The point is, the OP, at 50 and divorced, needs to slow her roll. OK, the guy wants to fluff you and make you feel all sweet and tingly and all of that, fine....let him. But do yourself a favor and compile some real and useful data and take some time to analyze it before you get caught up and buy in.