Dating.../Stressed man

[KRuss]

I am 50, been dating a man 51 I met online. We are an hour apart. He was married 25 yrs, wife wanted divorce, and he has been single 3 yrs. I was married 24 yrs, husband wanted divorce, divorced 2.5 yrs.

 

From the moment I met him he sent me dozen roses day after first date, called incessantly or texted, sent song links, has told me he took his profile off day after met me as he really likes me, had a great time dating about once a week. I went to a wedding in Cabo for my son. He texted me, talked to me and supported me while there, etc. I saw him two weeks ago Sun eve for a concert, and had a great time. We have dated 6 weeks.

 

When we saw each other two weeks ago we planned to see each other that Tues. Then Monday eve he called and said he forgot about an important tax appt and couldnt. We talked two hours about life, feelings, etc. I told him he was very open for being hurt, almost without fear. He said, well let me tell you about you, you are so calm and easy to be around and that allows me to be myself. So it is really because of you. We shared hurts from past divorces etc.

 

Then, he had credit card stolen and accts opened and dealt with that on Tues with appt on taxes. Then, on Wed he called me and said a bunch of deals fell apart, and a guy from work offered to let him go to mountains with him for two days, and he would be gone Thurs, Fri, back Sat morning. The friend's wife and son were flying in on Sat. and he would be back. I didnt hear ANYTHING Thurs, Fri, Sat. so Sun I sent a message saying I felt like i was getting mixed messages as he called all the time and now nothing. He called, said he was really stressed about work, and thought his 17 yo daughter may be developing an eating disorder. He explained he wears his feelings on his sleeve, and that he retreats to solve problems. He said he was sorry, but that it wasnt me I was wonderful. So, I told him if he needed space it was fine, that he just needs to communicate with me so I know.

 

So, that was Sun, nothing for three days. Thurs. I texted him I thought of him all week and missed the magic he brought to his life. He texted me saying, " Ohhh, give me a little time to find my smile. I have had a couple things knock me sideways. I am working on perspective, humility, and gratitude. I have had a major, major financial set back and as the responsible father of my girls I have to rally a bit and man up.Ill get there and I promise i will get back to you.

 

Nothing after that for three days. I finally texted him that I felt like he shut me out and that I havent been left with anything to hold onto, so I have to move on with my life. I apologized for his struggling and wished him the best of outcomes. A few hours later I realized I didnt want to push him away, but I was just hurt. I left a message saying I sent the text based on emotions without checking with my logic. I told him I would like to talk if he had time.

 

I havent heard back.....it has been two days.

 

What do I do, I havent met anyone I am so crazy about since my divorce. We connected magically from day one...passion, chemistry, similar lifestyles, interests, etc.

 

VERY sad and need some insight as to thoughts on this. Thanks

[KRuss]

Wow I am new to this site. 89 views and no responses?

[Treasa]

He lost interest, sweetie. Either that, or he can't handle his **** and be in a relationship at the same time. At the very least, he's rude for not even replying to you.

 

He's done the fade away. I suggest you stop contacting him completely and move on.

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like either the honeymoon ended early and his interest waned; or he was truly interested and having issues, and your outburst scared him away.

 

Either way things look kind of bleak here. Just be patient and keep meeting other people, he may ding you again when his life settles down. This time take it a bit slower though as it made him quite uncomfortable.

[KRuss]

I really think the last message I sent was my only "mistake" as in being too emotional. BUT, in all fairness, this man set expectations. He sent flowers, got me little presents, took his profile down after first date and said he didnt want to date or meet anyone else, that i checked all his boxes, etc. He called, told me I was spectacular, opened up to me, supported me emotionally while I was out of country at son's wedding, told me in a very long 2 hr conversation that he was able to be himself around me because i was so calm and accepting, we had incredible chemistry/passion when we were together.

 

I mean, that isn't just saying...lets be really casual. So, when someone's level of contact drops substantially wouldnt one question where their expectations should be?

 

If you want casual take the lead!

[Philosoraptor]

Which is why the honeymoon feelings could have ended. He jumped in head first and when life caught up with him he seemed to get stressed and put you on the backburner.

 

I'm not saying he didn't like you, or doesn't like you, just that he obviously moved very quickly and it seems to have caught up with him. Yes, he did set expectations with his actions, but once that honeymoon wears off you can truly see what you can expect from any long term relationship.

[Mascara]

The hottest love has the coldest end.

 

Honestly, you've learned a lesson I had to as well. The men that shower you with gifts, attention, compliments right away... they all fall by the wayside once the initial rush has died. Those things should develop and build slowly.

 

He's giving you the brush off, but doesn't want to say it. Think to your own experiences.... the guys you weren't really interested in, you probably gave them an excuse that sounded kinder than "I've decided it's not working".

 

Nothing keeps you so busy that you avoid a person you're crazy about.

[KRuss]

Honestly, when I am not interested i tell them why. I think everyone deserves clousure to move on. It is not a method shared by many unfortunately. At this age, I dont think it is acceptable to act immature. Face things and move on.

[MidwestUSA]

He started out as a major clinger (which would have put me off, but that's me), then did the fade. Probably had clue how to proceed properly, either to maintain something without the drama or to let you go politely. Either way, chalk it up to experience, it's nothing you did or didn't do. And don't think twice about the text you sent him, but send no more. In fact, should he contact you, do not jump on it. Let him wonder for a while (three days to be exact, LOL!)

[Mascara]

Honestly, when I am not interested i tell them why. I think everyone deserves clousure to move on. It is not a method shared by many unfortunately. At this age, I dont think it is acceptable to act immature. Face things and move on.

 

I agree with you. My point is that we all act cooler and less interested when we ARE less interested. You've picked up on him being distant when he's no longer bothered about you. Just like guys you've dated in the past may have sensed some distance from you before you made a final decision. He could well outright tell you he's no longer interested, but he's waiting to see if he's sure. If that's the case, 3 days of no contact won't seem like much to him because you're not on his mind.

 

If he wants space, give him the whole galaxy.

[KRuss]

Thanks for the input. Honestly, I didnt take him to be a flake. I think this surprises me more than anything.

 

Why is it when actions change it isnt ok to ask? We arent supposed to assume things....

 

Guess that is my lesson here. Even if they say what they will do, dont question it, but keep check on their actions only.

[RonaldS]

Like this guy, when I have a lot of big things hit me at once, I retreat. Part of it is to think clearly and resolve the problem(s), and part of it is that I don't like to drag new people into my crap. If I explain that I'm going through some stuff, and they still sweat me on it, I probably am going to lose interest in maintaining that relationship.

 

You guys are 50, not 15. Life is already in place and often difficult and exhausting to deal with. On top of that, because he did something previously, you have established that you expect him to maintain that. There's a time and a place. Give the guy a break. If anything, send him a message or call him and let him know you understand he's going through a rough patch and that if he needs anything, you would be there to help. That would probably mean the world to him.

[KRuss]

RonaldS:

 

Thank you for your reply, which is nice to hear from a man.

 

At this point, given the situation, I feel as though I shouldn't reach out. I mean, I didn't really "sweat him on it" until the last message I sent. I realized that what I was feeling was because of past disappointments, and dishonesty in others, and i couldnt hang that on him. I left the message to him stating that it was based on emotions, unchecked by my logic. I asked to talk to him and didnt get a message back...that was this past Sat.

 

Do you really think, given that he didnt respond back, that i should infiltrate his "space" to check in?

 

Lastly, when he said he retreated my vision of that was that he wouldn't have time to see me, talk or text as much, but I didnt have expectations of complete silence. You see, "expectations" really need to be communicated. I am seeing that is a real place of confluence with these new relationships...well, all relationships.

 

Hard to be empathetic and giving to others, whilst still being true to ourselves and our own feelings/needs.

 

Again, thank you!

[forgetmenot75]

He's not interested. Stop calling or texting and move on.

[charlietheginger]

The guy is realizing your relationship material, he is

Probably having second thoughts about getting into

A relationship. His last one failed , he has kids and job

To focus on. I bet he had his heart broke really bad he is

Probably scared to do it again. He might say he is ready

He might be looking but backs out with cold feet each time.

[RonaldS]

RonaldS:

 

Thank you for your reply, which is nice to hear from a man.

 

At this point, given the situation, I feel as though I shouldn't reach out. I mean, I didn't really "sweat him on it" until the last message I sent. I realized that what I was feeling was because of past disappointments, and dishonesty in others, and i couldnt hang that on him. I left the message to him stating that it was based on emotions, unchecked by my logic. I asked to talk to him and didnt get a message back...that was this past Sat.

 

Do you really think, given that he didnt respond back, that i should infiltrate his "space" to check in?

 

Lastly, when he said he retreated my vision of that was that he wouldn't have time to see me, talk or text as much, but I didnt have expectations of complete silence. You see, "expectations" really need to be communicated. I am seeing that is a real place of confluence with these new relationships...well, all relationships.

 

Hard to be empathetic and giving to others, whilst still being true to ourselves and our own feelings/needs.

 

Again, thank you!

 

It's a tough call. You may not have sweat him, but at that time, with everything else going on, he may have felt like you did.

 

He may be interested but overwhelmed. He may not be interested. Either way, the move is to back away. Give it some time and just send a 'hey, hope things are working out for you. If you need anything, let me know' message. No inference, no expectations. Just caring and supportive without any overbearing undertones. Then, give it some time, live your life and see what he does. If there is a real and strong foundation, that will be revealed with time. If there isn't, same thing. Go on living your life and then see what happens.

 

Regarding your last statement, I'm doing to somewhat disagree. I think in order to culture a good relationship, especially post-divorce, those things almost need to be balanced. If you can't find a way to empathize with another without compromising what you want, there's probably not much relationship potential. Either in the beginning or later. They're not mutually exclusive, but they can be dealt with separately.

[KRuss]

RonaldS:

 

So, one wrong text can send a man packing? Wow....I hope not because we really connected prior to the stressors hitting his life.

 

My point in the last statement is that I was being so empathetic about his situation, but for days it really hurt that he didnt reach out. I felt like I had to ask him about it that Sunday. He replied with a call and I felt better. But, when I sent the last text, which was wrong of me to get so emotional, then I felt bad afterwards because I felt I wasn't fair to him. But, I was hurting and should have handled it better. I think when we have been hurt so much in the past, we have buttons that push our emotions. I think I need to work at this in myself.

 

I am crazy about this man. Can my one poor text send him away for good? Heavy sigh....I REALLY do like him tons.

[Lokie]

Dude is struggling with some unexpected upheavals in his life. You are still getting to know him - and now you are learning how he deals with crises. It sounds like he retreats and this is different than how you would handle it. I suggest you try to just "gather information" at thus point - meaning try to observe objectively and ask yourself, "is this behavior what I want in my next long term partner?"

 

I know it's hard when our hearts and emotions are involved. My best to you!

[KRuss]

RonaldS:

 

I have thought on it, and really it is my own fears that caused me to send that last text. I think I was afraid he was blowing me off and I pushed him away before he could do it. I knew Thurs. night I shouldnt text back, just let him have space. But, Sat my emotions got ahold of me before my logic could check them I sent the message.

 

I know this part was my insecurities, my fault. Hard to accept as I was crazy about him on so many levels.

 

Charlietheginger: Thanks. We were both hurt from out LT marriages.

 

Lokie: Thanks. Appreciate the advice/warm thoughts.

[superchick]

He gone.

 

But in all seriousness, it happens that men tend to go at full speed at the beginning. Our job, as women, is to put the brakes on whenever they start going 100 miles an hour. They tend to burn out really quickly if we allow them to go at that speed. In addition, he has mentioned a lot of stressful situations in his life right now which possibly added to him pulling away... all I have to say about it is that it is crap and I wouldn't tolerate it. Sure, I would feel empathetic towards him but only if he made effort to keep in touch with you. To me it seems that he overly emphasizes his issues so you don't get too upset with him. Come on, after all life happens to most of us and we deal with it as it comes without disappearing on those we want to be around.

He probably will be back but I wouldn't be getting too excited about it. If he's already pulling this stunt on you, while after six weeks he's still supposed to be on his best behavior, then imagine how he's going to behave once he gets comfortable around you.

[BluEyeL]

It's a tough call. You may not have sweat him, but at that time, with everything else going on, he may have felt like you did.

 

He may be interested but overwhelmed. He may not be interested. Either way, the move is to back away. Give it some time and just send a 'hey, hope things are working out for you. If you need anything, let me know' message. No inference, no expectations. Just caring and supportive without any overbearing undertones. Then, give it some time, live your life and see what he does. If there is a real and strong foundation, that will be revealed with time. If there isn't, same thing. Go on living your life and then see what happens.

 

Regarding your last statement, I'm doing to somewhat disagree. I think in order to culture a good relationship, especially post-divorce, those things almost need to be balanced. If you can't find a way to empathize with another without compromising what you want, there's probably not much relationship potential. Either in the beginning or later. They're not mutually exclusive, but they can be dealt with separately.

This is absolutely correct. The only way now is to give him space and don't contact him again. If he wants you, he'll be back. In the meantime, date others.

[RonaldS]

Please don't you dare internalize this.

 

And don't send him any more of these "I'm sorry for what you're going through, let me know if you need blah blah blah..."

 

Come on. Ignoring you is flat out rude, cruel and uncalled for - and you're worried about HIS feelings and problems? Psh. Look, life throws us all curve balls honey... he's using his crap excuses to distance himself from you because he's too chicken sh*t to break up with you like a real man. And it's left you feeling ignored, neglected, confused and hurt.

 

There is no excuse to poof on you for days on end. Unacceptable. He's being a huge jacka$$ and it's good that you see this now instead of months down the road.

 

I know it doesn't make it any easier. I had this exact same thing happen to me. Hot out the gate, thought I had met this terrific man, he really swept me off my feet - and he was gone 2 months later saying he needed time to himself. I tried to be all understanding as my heart was breaking. It was torture because he never officially broke up with me.

 

Men who are really in love don't act this way. They make you a priority. Don't listen to his words - pay attention to his actions. What are they telling you?

 

Please....

[KRuss]

Ok now I like where this is going. I was just sitting here thinking, how can there be so many views? Maybe this is why I am confused....because there are so many ways to look at this situation.

 

It is interesting to see why people think about this the way they do. Fire away everyone as I want to see what is behind the thoughts on this. Very interesting.

[ExpatInItaly]

My totally blunt view is that he lost interest and is using all of these dire issues as a way to get out of it. He is a coward for not being upfront with you.

 

Chalk this one up to experience and move on. He's already doing so, or he would've at least acknowledged your text. Not even bothering to reply says it all.

[semicharmedlife]

when someone shows you who they are....believe them