compulsivedancer Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I've talked to H a lot about this forum. I actually told him initially (when I signed up) because early on after DDay, he checked my e-mail a couple of times, and I didn't want him to stumble across LoveShack and wonder what if it was something he needed to be concerned about. But now, I have learned a lot since I've been here, and there has been a lot of help and support (and necessary criticism), so I have told him about it. (In many ways, you guys are a bit like group therapy.) I've always said that he is welcome to read my posts, and he has said that he would give me a little time, so that it would not be awkward for me, but he would probably read them eventually. Anyhow, he is considering joining LS. I think that could be really helpful for him, and there are a few people I would kind of like to introduce him to (BetrayedH, definitely!). What I wonder is if that would be awkward. Of course we would have to work out some rules among us on whether we are allowed to post to each others' threads, etc, so that we wouldn't be hashing things out online. What do you guys think? Is there anyone on here where both partners are LS members? How do you work it out?
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 It's happened before. Not a big deal really. I think in most cases the spouses agreed to stay off each others thread (some even vowed not to look at each others thread, even though I'm inclined not to believe that). It's important that boundaries are set in place but what most important is that their threads should be a safe place for each of them to vent and talk. And that what's said here doesn't bleed out into the home.
anne1707 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 My husband Wuggle is on Ls and he has read my threads. It was something we discussed and it was all part of trying to be more transparent with each other. And it did hurt him to see a lot of the stuff I had posted after dday. He does still post on LS but we tend to avoid posting in threads that the other has either started or is contributing to. We definitely don't "like" each others post unlike some LS couples
BetrayedH Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Forgive me as I'm going to ramble and be all over the place a little bit on this one. It does work for some couples but I've also seen marital arguments unfold right before everyone's eyes. One of them got really nasty. As well, I also saw LS as a form of therapy. But keep in mind, therapy is typically a "safe" and confidential place for you to be able to explore your thoughts and feelings. You will lose some of that if your H joins. He may also never quite experience the full benefit of the site because he may never feel comfortable sharing what he's REALLY feeling if his comments are going to be read by his fWW. What happens when you two have a big argument and both want to come here for support? That's when I saw the argument simply continue on-line and any rules about staying off of each others' threads went out the window. I guess what I'm saying is that more often, something is lost from the experience (usually most by the person that first embraced LS). For a couple well-established in their reconciliation, perhaps not much is lost but I might be hesitant for a couple fresh to the whole thing. If this is a helpful place for you, I'd hate to see you lose that. All that said, I'm a huge fan of wide-open and honest communication between reconciling spouses. I praise your early decision to share this place with your H and the more recent one. That benefit alone may outweigh all of the other considerations. No more secrets, no more lies. Everything is always on the table and the most difficult subjects and conversations are the ones we most need to have. My WW basically refused to engage in forums and was secretive about her therapy (basically because she was still lying). Nice to see you doing a 180 from that approach. I guess I don't have a hard and fast opinion - just thought I would share some things to consider. I guess the other possibility to consider is that he might just be kinda "meh" about using forums. It seems to be embraced by some and not nearly as valued by others. Thanks also for the compliment. I'm glad if what I have to say in some way helps a couple to reconcile or for an individual to heal from infidelity. This place did a lot for me so I enjoy giving back. 9
BetrayedH Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Some of the old-timers might remember a poster from my early days. His name was What_Next (and later, Tech_E). He and his WW got into it over LS and it got crazy. He said something about her slutty behavior and they were just off to the races with insults back and forth. "Well, if that's how you really feel..." They nearly decided to divorce right here in front of everyone. He had given me a lot of support and so it was very tough to watch their relationship disintegrate right before my eyes. Of course, that's an extreme example but it serves as a cautionary tale.
Bittersweetie Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Some of the old-timers might remember a poster from my early days. His name was What_Next (and later, Tech_E). He and his WW got into it over LS and it got crazy. He said something about her slutty behavior and they were just off to the races with insults back and forth. "Well, if that's how you really feel..." They nearly decided to divorce right here in front of everyone. He had given me a lot of support and so it was very tough to watch their relationship disintegrate right before my eyes. Of course, that's an extreme example but it serves as a cautionary tale. I remember them. I messaged with the WW for a while but after their blow up never heard from her again, and have always had a worry about her. I think if a couple is farther down the road of reconciliation, both being on the board may be fine. But if emotions are still new and raw then it could be more of a hindrance. Personally, my H is not on this board, and I don't even think he reads them...but he knows I post here. My H tended to spend time at Surviving Infidelity, so we both kind of had our "own" boards. Maybe that's a way to go for now? 1
Coolit Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 While I know it isn't fool proof you could always put each other on ignore. You will see each other when quoted but it will at least give some privacy.
BetrayedH Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I remember them. I messaged with the WW for a while but after their blow up never heard from her again, and have always had a worry about her. He and I used to keep up by email (one of the few people I made a personal connection with) but it's been a good year or so now. I'll drop him a line and if there's anything to report, I'll PM you. Both were pretty bitter but sticking it out last I knew.
ChooseTruth Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 YEah even as an outsider I tend to lose all trust in what a WS is saying if we all know the BS is reading it. WS lie and trickle truth too much to be trusted when people from real life are reading. It wasn't a secret that I was on here. I did suggest once to my WW that she could go on the WS forum on Surviving Infidelity so we could have separate forums...but she wasn't interested in that at all. At that point it was pretty much over anyway. Oh side note. The OMM's BW has been a lurker here, but I don't think she signed up. She read my thread several times. I sent her a link in the packet I gave her when I exposed the A.
tbf Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Not joined (to the best of my knowledge) but my H has my username and password.
pteromom Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 No, but there sure are a lot of spouses I'd love to talk to, to get their side of the story. 3
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) YEah even as an outsider I tend to lose all trust in what a WS is saying if we all know the BS is reading it. WS lie and trickle truth too much to be trusted when people from real life are reading. It wasn't a secret that I was on here. I did suggest once to my WW that she could go on the WS forum on Surviving Infidelity so we could have separate forums...but she wasn't interested in that at all. At that point it was pretty much over anyway. Oh side note. The OMM's BW has been a lurker here, but I don't think she signed up. She read my thread several times. I sent her a link in the packet I gave her when I exposed the A. It's kind of a weird thing. On the one hand, you're supposed to be 100% honest with your BH. But on the other hand, it is a form if therapy for me, so it'd be nice to not have to think about him reading my posts. But I had to tell him I was on this forum so that he wouldn't discover it later and be hurt, or think I'd lied to him about it. And I've learned a lot on here and gotten new perspectives that I like to share with him. Of course I know that means he'll read this stuff eventually. But I remind myself that I've told him everything, so there shouldn't be anything to worry about. However, I know the devil's in the details, so there's still a lot of room for hurt. Also, a lot of my early posts were about how to get over the AP. I'm sure he'll be excruciatingly pleased about that... :/ Edited August 28, 2013 by compulsivedancer
Steadfast Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 It's kind of a weird thing. On the one hand, you're supposed to be 100% honest with your BH. But on the other hand, it is a form if therapy for me, so it'd be nice to not have to think about him reading my posts. Being honest has nothing to do with sharing your private thoughts. Even cheaters (reformed or otherwise) are entitled to a personal monologue. I'd say be open about your hopes, fears, motivation and certainly your actions, but a person's mind must remain a place of solace. A place to mull, question, or work through issues without outside input. The words here are a manifestation of those thoughts. As such, they can be kept private too. Use good judgement. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Mine is abTOTALLY different situation... But I wouldn't care in the least if xbf joined LS and read everything I posted. I've wondered what that would be like, actually. It might even be helpful to me if he did, just to see what the people who have commented on my stuff would say to him, (assuming they didnt know who he actually was in relation to me so there wouldn't be any bias if someone knew my story and already had an opinion about me, whether they liked me or didnt like me). However, I am really grateful he isn't here. I realize this is all public- but I aso feel like this is my private space. All that said- I like that LS is a place I can go and not feel compelled in any way to not post thoughts that aren't going to benefit me in any way. If I post something here that sounds petty or whiny that if i said IRL could be used against me- who cares? It's not real life. It's an ananamous Internet forum. People can judge what i have to say all they want and it has no affect on my day to day except to give me things to think about that might help me improve and learn as a person. since we are broken up and not talking, his presence on LS still wouldn't techically affect my real life- but I would feel weird about it and probably would try to edit myself (subconsciously) when complaining about him, because as much as i dont want to be, i am a nice person. Ultimately him being here would end up biting me in the ass. So I hope he never stumbles across this website. Not because I care what he reads of mine- but because it would detract from my experience. But like I said in the beginning- mine is a totally different situation from yours, so none of what I just wrote is advice directedvtowards your situation.
Els Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 Responding solely from the viewpoint of a poster (since there's no way in hell I'll ever find bf here, given his personality ), I feel really quite awkward when posters post about trouble in their marriage when we know both of them. I think that if both of you are going to be here, then this board should be used mostly to chat, discuss general stuff, and keep in contact with old friends, not to seek relationship help. There was another recent couple who did this and kinda got into an argument on the wife's thread. Fortunately they seem to be weathering it, but still, I think many of us held back advice because we felt uncomfortable due to knowing both of them. It's like sitting down for dinner with a mutual friend and then both airing your dirty linen to him at the same time. Really awkward.
janedoe67 Posted August 29, 2013 Posted August 29, 2013 My husband knows I post here and I told him my screen name. He also has my password. I have no idea if he reads, but I doubt it. He pretty much told me he'd watch for signs of whether it seemed to be helping or hurting, but that he was done with forums.
Author compulsivedancer Posted August 31, 2013 Author Posted August 31, 2013 I don't think it's anything he's likely to do any time soon. As I've been talking with him about it, I think he wants to do what some of the old-timers here do, once we've reached a solid enough spot. I think he wants to offer some hope and support for those going through the immediate pain of an A. I think he likes the idea of giving back a little, but I think he's going to wait until we're far enough along that I'm not needing the "therapy" from all of you in the same way. 1
2sure Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 I started posting here during "reconciling" with my husband, then continued through the final DDay, several legal maneuvers, and finally Divorce. I poured my heart out here, I said truths here I never said outloud, I revealed all my cards here regarding the final divorce , and stated clearly how much contempt of him I had. He read every post while we were between courts and setting a trial date for the rest of the proceedings. He settled, favorably to me, within days after doing so. I think he thought I was dangerously nuts!
jnel921 Posted September 2, 2013 Posted September 2, 2013 BetrayedH, I totally agree with you. I have been posting, reading and sharing here on LS for 9 years. My H knows I post here and this is "My" therapy and honestly my support over the years. I sometimes read to him some of my posts and some of my responses so he can understand how I am feeling. I don't know if I would want him posting something new that we have not discussed. I think it would cause more offline problems for us as I don't want to relive what happened or need to know anything else that went on. We are in a good place and I'd like to stay there. 1
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