Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You're right. This also makes me feel better. I felt so damn down about myself for this not working, but that makes the pain a little less, uh, painful. I SUPPOSE I can try to let guys take care of me in the beginning and then I'll even things out. Do what you want to do. Don't be someone you aren't. Being a man isn't about picking up all the checks and bending backwards for a woman, just like being a woman isn't about cooking and cleaning and being subservient to a man. Just be you -- that will be good enough for the right person. But I disagree with the poster who thinks it's the man's job to dote all over the woman. That's just foolish. A man should be who he is, whether it be a doter or a guy who prefers an equal give or take, and a woman should be who she is. 1
running4timing99 Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 its a matter in balance. He doesnt need cash to show he loves you. Spending time together such as a walk, giving you massage, helping you clean...if he's not showing consideration back (only you will know) he might be using you. 1
soccerrprp Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I would appreciate these type of things being done for me IF I liked the girl.. There could be a situation where it comes across as "mothering" though so just be careful how much you do it. No, I think most guys would appreciate that type of behavior! I know I do. But, some guys would probably find it "smothering" as well as "mothering." Sometimes you just can't win... Don't change. You're the type of gf that MOST guys would like to have.
salparadise Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah, but if I avoided that talk would he actually have stayed with me for the right reasons? Or did I just speed up the end before I got hurt further?? I think you should not generalize too much about men, dating and relationships based on this single data point. My guess is that it simply wasn't meant to be with this guy and trying to pin that on a single behavior or characteristic of yours is over analyzing. The simple fact that his longest relationship at age thirty was only five months, and that most last only two is a more realistic consideration. The "where is this going" conversation will break relationships when two people aren't at the same place, or if one is a certifiable commitment phobe. There is a natural tension in relationships that is maintained by neither person being certain who is chasing whom, who holds the power, just how invested the other person is. Releasing that tension by giving away your position as the more invested party at the wrong time can change the dynamic in an instant. Unfortunately, some aspects of the dance have an element of competitiveness underlying the sugary coating. Maybe broaching that topic was a factor, but it may also have saved you a lot of time and heartache down the road. Don't blame it on being a giving person, and don't start making the giving a tit-for-tat thing either. Just chalk it up to the myriad of unknowns and try not to take it personally.
Maleficent Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 He's 30 and his longest relationship was only 5 months. The rest were all under 2. I was his second longest at 3. That pretty much sums it up. I think if a 30 year old man has had many short 'dates' (cause I don't consider 5 months a relationship...) and never had at least one longer, meaningful relationship, I'd be worried. You know when there is a problem, and one person is at the center of every situations involving the problem, that person is usually the cause of the problem. whether he was dumping all of them after 2-3 months or whether he was getting dumped after 2-3 months - it's not normal.
BluEyeL Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I'm curious how did he explain the fact that he never had a relationship?
BluEyeL Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 As for the OP, I think that you shouldn't beat yourself up on what you did or didn't do. The guy was most likely not LTR material, with all his multiple issues. For that reason, it is better that you brought up "the talk" prematurely. Otherwise you would have probably gone on for 2 or 3 more months with him, eventually brought up the talk and he could have still bailed, just later. I strongly suspect that this is what happened with the 5 month relationship. These being said, take this as a learning experience for the future. You said that you didn't like him initially but he pursued hard. The fact that you didn't like him made you seem confident and like you didn't care. Because you didn't. He was attracted to that. Later on you started to care and you started to show it. You basically changed from the person he was attracted to, which lowered his attraction. In the future, force yourself not to give too much and not to create an imbalance in the relationship. I have the exact same problem and I actively try to control it. Once you are married, you can give him massages, rub his feet, serve his beer, if that's what you feel like. Until then, strive for balance, don't give too much that it's not been earned fully. Also, do not bring "where is this going" before 6 months. You observe him, see who he is, how much HE gives, and make your decision like YOU are the selector. If he is not giving you what you need, you make the decision not to stay. So again, you didn't do anything wrong to have this one end. The guy wasn't a good match for you (or anyone at this point I think). Hope you have a short recovery time and it's only a matter of time until you find someone else! 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 He lived abroad for 2-3 in grad school and his 5 month ended when he moved. I know his others he has always ended. One girl he said wanted to get serious after a few weeks. In response to waiting to do nice things until I "lock" someone down... That's hard. I am a giving person naturally and to hide this seems like I'm being fake.
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I'll also add that 3 months is NOT too soon to be having "the talk". My dude made me his girlfriend within the first month and it's been great. This guy asked me to be exclusive within two weeks. And the first time we had sex, called me "his and only his" in dirty talk which was odd.
BluEyeL Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Dr seuss, it's great your guy gave you the title so quick, but HE initiated. If the guy doesn't, he's not ready. You make a timetable in your head for how long you are willing to wait and then yes , can have the talk, fully knowing that this could be the end. My timetable for example is 4-5 months for the girlfriend title. If Abby's is 3 months, that's what it is and it wasn't in sync with the guy. Bottom line HE needs to ask you to be his girlfriend. You just decide how long are you willing to date without the official title. Also Abby, I get it with the giving and not being fake. But do you want to be 100 percent genuine, or you want to be happy? Control yourself, your giving, your emotions if you want to be successful in dating. Being completely open is overrated and most importantly, it doesn't work if it pushes the relationship into an imbalance. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Dr seuss, it's great your guy gave you the title so quick, but HE initiated. If the guy doesn't, he's not ready. You make a timetable in your head for how long you are willing to wait and then yes , can have the talk, fully knowing that this could be the end. My timetable for example is 4-5 months for the girlfriend title. If Abby's is 3 months, that's what it is and it wasn't in sync with the guy. Bottom line HE needs to ask you to be his girlfriend. You just decide how long are you willing to date without the official title. Also Abby, I get it with the giving and not being fake. But do you want to be 100 percent genuine, or you want to be happy? Control yourself, your giving, your emotions if you want to be successful in dating. Being completely open is overrated and most importantly, it doesn't work if it pushes the relationship into an imbalance. I think you misread. HE asked ME to be his girlfriend at 2 weeks. This is before we even had sex!! Because of this, I thought he had strong feelings. My talk at three months was not because I needed to know if I was his gf (already was). It was to make sure we were on the same page with our relationship. Because if we werent, I wanted to get out. He was starting up with grad school and I had to make sure I was with a guy who valued me it else its not fair to me to date a guy I rarely see. If a future WAs there I would be accepting of his schedule.
crederer Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Your generosity would be greatly appreciated in my camp. I find the nurturing type to be quite attractive, as long as it isn't overboard. It can be almost insulting in a way when the person does every little thing for you, as if you're an incapable person or something. I don't think these are the issues you're having. You might be coming on a little too firm with the committment questions for some guys. I don't get too scared off by these questions because this is the whole idea of dating, and I appreciate open conversations early on in the relationship. But a lot of guys get freaked out by it. How soon into the relationship do you usually ask the "Where is this going" question?
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Your generosity would be greatly appreciated in my camp. I find the nurturing type to be quite attractive, as long as it isn't overboard. It can be almost insulting in a way when the person does every little thing for you, as if you're an incapable person or something. I don't think these are the issues you're having. You might be coming on a little too firm with the committment questions for some guys. I don't get too scared off by these questions because this is the whole idea of dating, and I appreciate open conversations early on in the relationship. But a lot of guys get freaked out by it. How soon into the relationship do you usually ask the "Where is this going" question? With my 7 year relationship I never brought it up because we had been friends for so long that once we began dating, we each knew this was it. Of course we ended up breaking up. I have otherwise never brought this up because I'm too picky about who I date so I don't usually go out.
Babolat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 (edited) I did find out on the day we broke up that he is on antidepressants, some anxiety or ocd pill, and adderall. Adderal AND anti-depressents/anti-anxiety? Really? Is a dr prescribing these at the same time? I once asked my dr about Adderal as I thought I had an attention issue. At the time I was on a very lose dose anti anxiety med and he said no way, not at the same time. Edited August 28, 2013 by Babolat
Emilia Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I've found that men will eventually take you for granted when you continually do nice things for them. It happens. I've lived it a few times. Secondly, this guy sounds like an emotional trainwreck. His longest relationship was only 5 months and he's medicated? I can hear the Lost in Space robot now, "retreat...retreat!" Agree fully. Also in my experience men tend to respect women who have teeth and who get a little tough on them from time to time. They don't tend to like the overtly nice ones, rightly or wrongly they perceive you as a pushover. It's worth cracking the whip occasionally IME. 4
tbf Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 If he's ADHD, he'll require greater amounts of environmentally stimulated dopamine since his brain doesn't generate sufficient. This might help explain his pattern of short relationships and depression. Translation: Not a good bet for investment since he's a grass is greener personality type. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I feel like at our age that talk was not too soon at 3 months. Maybe I'm dumb. If he can ask me to be exclusive at 2 weeks without me running for the hills, I should at least know what direction he wants to go at 3 months. I'm tempted to email him and say I saw warning signs with him all along and should have dumped him first.
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Part of me wonders if he wants to date around in grad school. The students are early 20's and he's 30 like me. Maybe he thinks he can find a young one. T
BluEyeL Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 You shouldn't email. It just sounds bitter and like you care. Indifference is best. 3
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 In school at 30, adderall, depressed, breaks up by email, doesn't give any specific reasons for breaking up other than the lame "you're all these great things, but don't see a future," well, he's not a dastardly villain, but he sure isn't a prize either IMO. Suggest your initial impression before dating was correct. Seems more a -him- problem than anything you did too much of or not enough of. Good luck moving on to better options. We initially broke up in person when I tried to being up what's going to happen when he starts school. At that time he said it wouldn't work because he'd be too busy. He cried a lot more than me that day. Then I wrote an email saying that excuse was hard to hear because us prefer trying to date during grad school and failing than not trying at all. He wrote me back and said what I mentioned earlier.
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Ah, thanks for clarifying. Now I don't like that he is crying so much though, when added to his emotional issues. Is it possible there is a wounded bird type caretaking/fixing issue at play here? If so, is it possible your giving nature attracts these or attracts you to them? Didn't read whole thread, so someone may have already mentioned that. In any event, you didn't do anything wrong here, and lots of guys would be very appreciative of and impressed by your giving nature. Use it as a screen, there are lots of people out there who mistake kindness for weakness, and those people tend to seek drama unduly and make bad bets IME. Not saying that about this guy, could be he's that type or not, but just generally. Thanks for saying it's not my fault. Makes me feel better. About the wounded bird thing...I am usually attracted to outgoing, successful men. I met this guy online and he seemed to fit that bill to a T. But the first meeting I thought "eh" but gave him a second chance anyway. Wasn't til later I found out about all his drugs but at that point didn't care because I wanted to accept him anyway.
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 This DOES make me not want to trust guys again though!
AverageCat Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Most of all a relationship needs balance. So you should not "wine and dine" more than he does you. But you should not expect him to either. Relationships are about give and take. If both people understand this and work to give, then they're gonna take regardless. Talk to your man about this. Tell him you love doing nice things for him, but you would love him to do the same. True - Giving A LOT puts you in a more vulnerable state, since you're the one putting more effort, but when is love better shown, then when we are weak. If your man does try to "use" this vulnerable state of yours to get "higher" then who cares, better to lose them then find them in that case. But if he instead appreciates what you do and tries to do the same ore more, you'll know you have a keeper. Cheers, 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Maybe not trusting anyone, guy or other, before they truly earn it is the way to go. Also the pills, have been where you are several times, and sometimes it seems all but a few people are emotionally altered and medicated today. It's tempting to attribute it to gender traits, and those certainly do exist, but it's often that a pill bottle is a silent third party in lots of dating and relationship issues here. Do those kind of pills make a person indifferent to companionship? This guy sits alone at his apartment all day (when not at class) and maybe sees a classmate once or twice a week at most.
Omei Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I am like you when I really like someone I act the the guy pretty much, next relationship im in im gonna try not to do it tho because it feels like a let down when they dont do it in return and take it all for granted, do it if you love him just dont keep at it if he isnt returning the kindness also because after time you might feel like you're the only one putting in the effort. But its sweet and it makes you feel good doing it doesnt it!
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