abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I didn't like this last guy I dated on the first date, but he pestered me for a second date and kept in contact online/phone so I gave him a second chance. He was ALL over me at first and I didn't really put forth the effort. Eventually I fell in love with him. I started doing nice things. Like I'd bring his favorite chocolate when I visited. Or I'd buy ingredients for a delicious meal. I'd drive to his house more than mine because his schedule was more complex. I'd make myself available to him. I'd make coffee for him because I always woke up before him. I'd cutup fruit in the morning for myself and cut extra for him. Just tiny little things like that. I never let him pay for meals (unless I'd pay the next meal) because he was in grad school. Now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't have been so nice. Should I let the guy still try to wine and dine me? I am a pretty independent person and don't like favors being done for me and now I'm wondering if my giving nature is the reason every relationship I've had has failed.
Lansing Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I would appreciate these type of things being done for me IF I liked the girl.. There could be a situation where it comes across as "mothering" though so just be careful how much you do it. 6
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I would appreciate these type of things being done for me IF I liked the girl.. There could be a situation where it comes across as "mothering" though so just be careful how much you do it. I never told him what to do or badgered him like a mom or wiped spit off his face. I did know a girl who told her boyfriend what to do A LOT like a mom did and this was never me. But for instance... when I was out of water at a restaurant where you have to refill your own cup, I would see his was empty and get him more if I needed more instead of just filling mine or waiting for him to get both of ours. Those are the kind of favors I'm talking about. Should I have been more weak and helpless?
MrCastle Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 What you do sounds sweet. I always appreciate the little things. I wish to have a nice girl 6
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Well, in his breakup email to me he said I was beautiful, intelligent, his best friend, sexy, and generous but he didn't see a future with me.
MrCastle Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Well, in his breakup email to me he said I was beautiful, intelligent, his best friend, sexy, and generous but he didn't see a future with me. Sorry to hear that But it wasn't the fact that you were a giving person that pushed him away. When someone isn't feeling it, they aren't feeling it. 7
skydiveaddict Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Should I let the guy still try to wine and dine me? yes........ 4
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Sorry to hear that But it wasn't the fact that you were a giving person that pushed him away. When someone isn't feeling it, they aren't feeling it. Well he seemed to feel it the first two months and then just as I'm falling for him he shuts down. Oh well. Such is life I suppose.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I like it when women are giving personally. But I think you might have to draw the line between being giving (being willing to pay for meals and such) and being overly available (stopping by a guy's place frequently), at least at first. Giving is awesome, but you don't want to overwhelm in the early stages. 8
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 He's 30 and his longest relationship was only 5 months. The rest were all under 2. I was his second longest at 3.
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 I like it when women are giving personally. But I think you might have to draw the line between being giving (being willing to pay for meals and such) and being overly available (stopping by a guy's place frequently), at least at first. Giving is awesome, but you don't want to overwhelm in the early stages. We lived 40 minutes away, so I wouldn't see him that often. Mainly just on weekends or the occasional weekday. And he was the one who EVERY.SINGLE.TIME would say, "When can I see you next?" I never initiated that either.
kiss_andmakeup Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 He's 30 and his longest relationship was only 5 months. The rest were all under 2. I was his second longest at 3. Uh, yeah...it's not you. Not to worry. Just keep being who you are...you'll find a guy who appreciates a nice, giving girl like yourself. 3
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Uh, yeah...it's not you. Not to worry. Just keep being who you are...you'll find a guy who appreciates a nice, giving girl like yourself. Thank you This makes me feel better. I'm beating myself up over here feeling ugly, doormat-y, etc.
MrCastle Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Well he seemed to feel it the first two months and then just as I'm falling for him he shuts down. Oh well. Such is life I suppose. Maybe he is scared of commitment and things got a little too real for him Happens. 2
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Maybe he is scared of commitment and things got a little too real for him Happens. I think you could have something here. Because I initiated the "where is this going" chat and since then things sorta went downhill. Oh well. I guess I should be realived that I am capable of loving someone. I did find out on the day we broke up that he is on antidepressants, some anxiety or ocd pill, and adderall.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 We lived 40 minutes away, so I wouldn't see him that often. Mainly just on weekends or the occasional weekday. And he was the one who EVERY.SINGLE.TIME would say, "When can I see you next?" I never initiated that either. Then it just wasn't a good match for whatever reason. His loss. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 I think you could have something here. Because I initiated the "where is this going" chat and since then things sorta went downhill. Oh well. I guess I should be realived that I am capable of loving someone. I did find out on the day we broke up that he is on antidepressants, some anxiety or ocd pill, and adderall. Oh no, you actually did that? Oh boy, that's what did it. It wasn't your generosity -- he might have felt pressured and decided to flee. That's why I was imploring you not to have that conversation. 1
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Oh no, you actually did that? Oh boy, that's what did it. It wasn't your generosity -- he might have felt pressured and decided to flee. That's why I was imploring you not to have that conversation. But I did it really mildly. At first. I really am not sure what I said because my mind was such a blur. I think I said I was starting to like him, but it was causing me to pull back and I was scared because it was my first "real" relationship since my ex and that I didn't know what was going to happen with him starting up in school again and I needed to know where his head was at before I made a commitment to him since he wouldn't be as available (aka I'm only going to date a guy long distance who I barely see IF he actually sees potential in me). He said AT FIRST that with school and the distance, it would be too hard to date and we should break up. But then in that email later on (the one I posted) he said the feelings weren't there. After he said he wanted to break up, I did sorta say, "eh. **** it." And I told him I thought he was special and the first guy I told my parents about and how happy he made me. Then he started bawling. And I bawled and walked out the door!
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 But I did it really mildly. At first. I really am not sure what I said because my mind was such a blur. I think I said I was starting to like him, but it was causing me to pull back and I was scared because it was my first "real" relationship since my ex and that I didn't know what was going to happen with him starting up in school again and I needed to know where his head was at before I made a commitment to him since he wouldn't be as available (aka I'm only going to date a guy long distance who I barely see IF he actually sees potential in me). He said AT FIRST that with school and the distance, it would be too hard to date and we should break up. But then in that email later on (the one I posted) he said the feelings weren't there. After he said he wanted to break up, I did sorta say, "eh. **** it." And I told him I thought he was special and the first guy I told my parents about and how happy he made me. Then he started bawling. And I bawled and walked out the door! But yeah. While I didn't specifically say, "I want to marry you and have your babies." it was probably pretty obvious after we broke up that that's where my head was at. I really regret saying it because while I do want those things eventually, it's not like I knew for sure it would be with him. Perhaps that scared him off and if I would have been casual about everything, he would have slowly developed feelings for me? Who knows. Guess it's too late now.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Who knows. But yeah, it wasn't your generosity that did it. So keep up with that if you want. But you might want to let your next relationship develop more naturally instead of forcing any sort of "State of the Union" conversation. Probably too late for this one, but lesson learned for the future. 2
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Who knows. But yeah, it wasn't your generosity that did it. So keep up with that if you want. But you might want to let your next relationship develop more naturally instead of forcing any sort of "State of the Union" conversation. Probably too late for this one, but lesson learned for the future. Yeah, but if I avoided that talk would he actually have stayed with me for the right reasons? Or did I just speed up the end before I got hurt further??
cowboysmavs Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah, but if I avoided that talk would he actually have stayed with me for the right reasons? Or did I just speed up the end before I got hurt further?? Honestly judging by what you said earlier about the anti-depressants, etc. and the fact he had no LT relationships, I think it is great it is over that quick. Saves you months of worrying about the eventual demise. Now on to the part of generosity. In my opinion a man should be taking care of you in the beginning. Paying for meals and filling up your cup of water. That should just be a given. Step one to being a man. Then as things move along he will begin to let you pay or whatever. In my opinion. All that being said I think it's great you're so generous. Just make someone put forth more effort to earn the full extent of it. 4
Author abby_tx Posted August 28, 2013 Author Posted August 28, 2013 Honestly judging by what you said earlier about the anti-depressants, etc. and the fact he had no LT relationships, I think it is great it is over that quick. Saves you months of worrying about the eventual demise. Now on to the part of generosity. In my opinion a man should be taking care of you in the beginning. Paying for meals and filling up your cup of water. That should just be a given. Step one to being a man. Then as things move along he will begin to let you pay or whatever. In my opinion. All that being said I think it's great you're so generous. Just make someone put forth more effort to earn the full extent of it. You're right. This also makes me feel better. I felt so damn down about myself for this not working, but that makes the pain a little less, uh, painful. I SUPPOSE I can try to let guys take care of me in the beginning and then I'll even things out.
ascendotum Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 He's 30 and his longest relationship was only 5 months. The rest were all under 2. I was his second longest at 3. I think that says more about him as it does you as his gf. You sound really sweet and thoughtful. It does not matter greatly if the giving is a little one sided as long as your partner really shows their appreciation. If otherwise back off and let him show some thoughtfulness in return and if not then review the relationship. Don't change your ways because of this, just make sure its reciprocated in similar gestures of love. As Mc posted if someone is just not feeling the passion being a really nice gf/bf ain't going to make it last.
Simon Phoenix Posted August 28, 2013 Posted August 28, 2013 Yeah, but if I avoided that talk would he actually have stayed with me for the right reasons? Or did I just speed up the end before I got hurt further?? Who knows. He might have settled into the relationship and given what you wanted without feeling forced to. He might never have given you what you wanted. Either way, forcing a talk like that at the 3-month stage is way too early. That's something for six months at earliest. But yeah, you probably scared the hell out of him. 1
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